what if?

My brain moves very fast. I can make pictures out of a scenario in seconds... probably why I am so frightened for Weston all of the time. Because I can see what's going to happen to him seconds after he makes his decision. for example, when he runs out into a parking lot because he is once again not listening, my brains flashes pictures in front of my eyes. From him being hit by a car, to the hospital, to after, to how it affects my marriage... and so on and so forth. (I have a wicked imagination that works at lightning speed.)

I've been sick this weekend. I have a pretty nasty cold. And sometimes I sort of Zone Out. I do my best Zoning Out in the shower, and last night's shower was a huge Zone Out - so much so that I had to feel my hair to make sure I'd washed it when i was done. Here's what the voyage through my brain was like:

First I was thinking about Mom writing a letter to her stem cell donor. It's been a year now, and she can make contact by letter if she wants. And then I wondered if I could make contact, and if I did what would I say? Things like, Thank you, just don't seem like enough. Maybe a story about Weston and her being a grandma, or maybe about me calling her almost every day for the last 13+ years. And then my brain went to the phone calls with Mom and how they aren't the same. These calls are better than when she was sick, but they aren't like the "Mom calls" PreCancer. Those calls were great and could go on for over an hour. Now... Mom's done talking to you anywhere from 5-15 minutes. I feel blessed to get 15 minutes now, but then I felt guilty, and that maybe I should be glad that I have a Mom to talk to at all. and then I thought:

what if Mom hadn't beat cancer?

What would my life be like if Mom weren't here? I pictured the numbness, and the constant crying. Of trying to explain Heaven to my little boy who cried for his Mimi. Of my growing silence to everyone including Scott. And how that put stress on our relationship. (I could see it like a movie.)

I could see Nathan and his girlfriend fighting, and their girls wearing ratty clothes because Mom wasn't constantly buying her grandbabies new jammies. I saw trouble there.


What about Shannon? I know that she and Mom don't the need to talk daily like I do, but I know Mom is constantly in Shannon's head.  I saw Shannon getting engaged, her bridal shower, and walking down the aisle... and Mom wasn't there. and Shannon trying to be strong. And me trying to fill the spot where Mom was supposed to be, and failing - because I'm not Mom.

I saw Dad wandering around our old house in Clinton, lost. Then I saw him moving in with us. Not into our tiny apartment, but into a house where he'd have his own space and where I could still keep an eye on him when he was home. I saw myself cooking for him, and him reading books, but always looking so sad, like something was missing from his soul. and I of course knew what was missing, but I couldn't fix it.

I saw Linda traveling with Uncle Dave. I saw her less and less. Like we reminded her of her lost family. And it made me sad.

Now... this entire event took place in brain in under 5 minutes total. But I saw all of this. Obviously I am not going to tell this young 24-ish year old man what he saved my family from. He deserves happiness and praise for his role in saving Mom's life. If I write him a letter, it will be to thank him for the things I used to take for granted: The daily phone calls, the little trinkets and surprises she finds for us, the hugs, how happy she looks when she sees Weston, how happy he is just to see her; there are so many things to be grateful for - enough to push the darkest thoughts away. If I ever get a chance to tell this young man thank you, I'm also going to ask him why? I'm curious to know what touched his life in such a way for him to pay it forward and save my Mom's life. It must have been something miraculous.

the personal pharmacy

My personal pharmacy has increased.

I had my 3mo med check for my diabetic medicine today. Every 3 months, I visit my family doctor, Dr. Stephen Nowak (I love him), to have my eyes and body checked via exam. The the vampire, I mean phlebotomist, comes in and draws 2-3 vials of blood from the top of my hand. Then they run tests to see if I have been behaving over the last 3 months (A1C), blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.

This time though, I had another round of high-ish blood pressure (maybe they should use a proper sized cuff) and I told Terese (my nurse) about my high pulse rate (105) last Tuesday. I generally feel like honesty is the best policy with my doctors. But maybe I was wrong... they didn't like my last 3 blood pressure results, and the pulse rate wasn't good either. So, let's put Erin on more drugs. yea... Not.

I asked Dr. Baby (the Resident doctor who saw me first for his practice, I can't remember his name) if this would effect pregnancy. And suddenly he looks freaked out. So I reassured him that , No, I am not pregnant. But i want to be this year. Would blood pressure medication be a bad idea? Or am I doomed to never have more children. He was worried, so he got Dr. Nowak. Freak me out much? Sheesh.

Dr. Nowak performed the physical exam as Dr. Baby, but with more humor. Thank God. Same results, he wants me on hypertension meds. So we discussed the 5 grades of pregnancy meds:
A. Positive effects on pregnancy
B. Neither good nor bad effects on pregnancy - some bp meds, Tylenol
C. Not good, some mild effects on pregnancy, but generally safe for baby - some bp meds, antibiotics
D. Bad effects on baby - cleft pallet, heart issues, etc.
X. Destructive to reproducing cells - Chemotherapy, etc.

So, the plan is to go on a type C blood pressure medication, and be checked monthly. And then once we start "Trying to Conceive" we step back to a Type B medication. And I have to work on losing weight. though no one said a single word about my losing 5 pounds. Over the Holiday Season too, Dammit. Someone should praise that one.

So... I'm adding another medication. And all it does is stress me out and piss me off. Neither of which are good things for my high blood pressure. and you know what? When I tell Mom... first words out of her mouth will be about losing weight. Bet you $100. And I wonder what she'll say after I tell her I've lost 5 pounds? that might be worth seeing. Hmm...

Mommydom over the weekend

So last Friday's post stuck with me. The guilt did too, but not as much as the words.

I was looking forward to going out with a girlfriend Friday night and basically unloading all of my issues onto a real person. But she cancelled (her house in now the House of Ick.) So I asked my husband and son if they wanted to run some errands with me.

We went to Hobby Lobby and did some exchanges. And then we went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, one of my favorite chain restaurants, and boy, do my guys like it too. We had a nice night. Weston wasn't listening as much as I would have liked... but he's 3. Since dinner took a while we opted out of the playground at the mall, and went home, per Weston's request.

On the way home, Scott asked what was wrong... bad timing on his part since I was rereading my last blog post in my head. So I let him have it. I told him how I felt like a failure, and how I felt like a single parent, etc. (Just read the previous post if you need a reminder.) Any way, I let it all out. And he didn't really say anything in return. When we got home and into bed, his sudden comment was, "Well you got a lot off your chest tonight." Um, I guess you could say that. By the way, do you have anything else to add? (snoring) Guess not. And that was the conversation. Seriously. And then he proceeded to walk on egg shells around me. Like I was a bomb or something.

Weston did great potty training this weekend! It was awesome. And I have to thank Scott for stepping up! He helped Weston go potty, and reminded him all the time. It was nice that Daddy took care of this part. And that it went well. We aren't 100%, but at least we're working on it.

"I need my Big Boy Pants on!"

That's what woke up to at 3am. Weston yelling to put his underpants on - only to discover that he was still sound asleep. How funny that my baby is dreaming about potty training! And he's moving in the right direction!

So, I let all my thoughts into the open. I am not sure if it did any good, but I stand behind my feelings. Not that they are understood or appreciated all that much. Onto to more potty training tonight! And hopefully we'll segue into a bedtime and his own bed after that. I choose to fight one battle at a time.

Failure in Mommydom

So… I had a rough day yesterday. Ok, let’s be honest, I’ll say it’s been rough lately, most of the last couple of months and definitely since Sunday night.

I’ll admit it. I made a Mommy Mistake. When Weston was a baby, we were so grateful to have him. (Don’t worry, we still are.) And he was sick a lot that first year. Nothing serious, but he had Bronchiolitis and a variety of viruses…. When he had to sleep upright, we put him in a car seat by my side of the bed so I could listen to him breathe. Sometimes he slept with us when he was sick so we could sleep too. (The sheer exhaustion of parenting is a white lie no one talks about. I have been tired for 4 years now, ever since I got pregnant. It hasn’t gotten better.) When he was healthy, and he’d wake up in the morning, we’d bring him into our bed. And we’d cuddle and play. We wouldn’t always go back to sleep, we’d have fun. So, Weston got used to being in our bed – 1^st part of the Big Mistake.

The 2^nd part of said Mistake was not instituting a bedtime. Weston was one of those babies who was awake every 3 hours to eat. It was routine and didn’t change much as he got older. My friend’s baby who was sleeping through the night by 3 months with a bedtime of 8 pm that started at 3wks, no problems. That never happened for us. I kept asking our daycare when we should start a bedtime. She said 6-9 months depending on the baby. That was 3 years ago next week. And I tried. I decided on 8:30 pm. The first week, Weston was asleep by 8:15 every single night. In my arms. No self-soothing in the bed. The next week, he cried and cried and cried. I’d lay him down and he’d scream. After 15 minutes, we’d go in and try to help. After a days of this, I asked daycare again what to do. She said not to talk to him or pick him up – to rub his back and sit by the crib. And he would cry forever! It was horrible and heartbreaking to hear. And inevitably, we’d pick him up. And the bedtime never worked. And it was my fault. Scott works late, sometimes past 9pm. I was alone in the bedtime rituals as I am in the dinners, and pretty much most other things. So… as time goes by, we moved into a craptastic apartment on Des Moines’ NE side. Weston again had his own room. He would fall asleep in our room, and we would move him to his crib at night. About 2 or so months after moving there, we transitioned his crib into the toddler bed, because he was trying to climb out. And every night since, Weston has gotten out of his bed, and climbed into ours. And for the longest time, I would try to walk him back to his bed. And he would cry and come back. And then we’d wait for him to be asleep for about 10 minutes, and then we’d take him back to his bed. And about 6 out of 7 nights, I’d wake up in the morning to find him right next to me. At some point, we just became too tired to move him. Or he comes in, and I don’t even wake up any more. He crawls over me to the middle of the bed and I have no idea he is there until morning. I hate sleeping with a toddler. He’s more than half my height now. So there are legs everywhere! Knees planted in the middle of my back. Arms flung over me like I’m his latest favorite stuffed animal. And Scott’s a bed-hog too. So Scott has his half of the bed, and 75% of the covers, and Weston is trying to take my half of the bed. It’s no wonder that I am exhausted and not sleeping well. All I want is my own bed. And I will never have it. I am trying to figure out a way to get Weston to sleep in his own room. I am thinking of trying out his Twin bed in the room we decorated for his birthday. I wonder what he’d think if I slept in there? So, to wrap the Mistakes up… It’s my fault that Weston doesn’t have a bedtime, and it’s also probably my fault that I do not get up constantly to put him back in his own bed. So, now I need to find a way to remedy this…. Sunday I had knees in my back the whole night. Wednesday he wouldn’t go to sleep. He cried because I wouldn’t turn the tv on. And all Scott said was that he needed to be quiet because people were sleeping. Yeah, Scott was sleeping and had been for over an hour – when it was his job to get Weston to sleep that night. Weston and I made up stories to get him to stop crying, and then until he was ready to fall asleep (in my bed.) I calmed him down and got him to sleep in about 20 minutes. And I wonder why I feel all the burden and responsibility for his behavior and actions? Hmmm…

Weston is not potty trained.

I take that back, partially. He is potty trained at daycare. He’s had maybe 2 real accidents in the last 8 months, and maybe 2 other random “I peed on my clothes while peeing” accidents. It’s a boy thing, trust me. Once, about a month ago, I thought we were in for the home stretch. He woke up and went potty in my potty! Before school, no problems, we were all so very excited. He got to pick a prize (Yes, I am to bribery now) and he took a whole big package of name-brand Goldfish to daycare to share with his friends for snack time. And then he got sick over the weekend… so all training went out the window. I decided to be firm last night. I picked him up from daycare. He was in Big Boy underpants. We went to the chiropractor. He begged me for a pull-up or a diaper. I said no. I held firm. We went to the bathroom. He wouldn’t go. I tried going in front of him. He didn’t care. I held firm, we left the bathroom. 20 minutes of begging ended in crying. Horrible, gut-wrenching crying and screaming and sobbing - it was torture for me. I was sad that he was crying and embarrassed because I knew there were massage therapists trying to invoke peace and relaxation and my son was ruining it. I was angry at him for not making this an easy and simple experience. He does it so easily at school. The pure exhaustion of the week, and then dealing with the potty training… I was so mad yesterday. At the situation, at Weston for never listening, at Scott for not helping with the important stuff but having the nerve to want another baby, at the world and everyone in front of me for being there. I cried from the chiropractor’s office to the mall because of my guilt over my anger at my little boy. I almost cried trying to explain it to Shannon in the Playground at the mall. No one understands around me, and I feel like anytime I say anything, I am just being a nagging bitch. Scott won’t listen when I try to talk to him. It’s like if he doesn’t hear it, then it doesn’t exist. And I hate living in oblivion.

I have to get going… but still, I just had to explain myself. I feel guilty all the time for my frustration, anger, and the inability to change things. I feel like my world is spinning out of control, and that I am failing at everything. And I need someone to catch me. To help me. Please? I love my little family more than anything, but I feel like we need to be a better family. And I'm not sure how to do it.

House of Ick

   With the weather constantly fluctuating between 15 and 55 degrees, you can imagine the number of colds and viruses floating through Des Moines. It seems like everyone has been sick forever. My little family caught our cold December 17th. (Yes I know the exact day.) We went to the Dalton Family Christmas in DeWitt. 50+ people in one house, and someone shared something, because Scott, Weston, me and Shannon all woke up Monday morning congested and feeling generally like Poo. We all spent the week leading up to Christmas on every cold med we could think of... DayQuil, Advil Cold & Sinus, Musinex - well everyone except Weston, because he's still too little for Cold Medication. After Christmas, Shannon had a sinus infection; Scott was sneezing and light coughing all the time; I was coughing so badly it felt like I would lose organs; and Weston had a congested cough that seemed to be on it's way out. Add to that, Mom drank from my soda and wine, even though I told her I had a nasty cold and not to do it. So she got the cold which turned into Bronchitis and some other nasty infection that attacks low immune systems. So, Mom got pretty sick, but I did warn her. Many, many times.
  Fast forward to yesterday, January 15th. Scott's on the mend, Shannon too. Mom's on antibiotics, and I'm mainly coughing at night, and when I run out of breath. Weston on the other hand has gotten a lot worse. He now has a bad cough, really congested sounding, and tires very quickly. Yesterday, he coughed so badly he threw up lunch and breakfast. And then again last night, except the poor boy hadn't had anything to eat or drink since the first time. So it was so sad to watch, my little 3 yr old boy holding onto the trash can for dear life.
  I am leaving now to take him to the doctor. When I called for a recommendation on cold meds, they wanted to see him. Since it's been a month, they want to check his ears and lungs. So, I'm off to the doctor! Wish us luck!

ADDENDUM

  So we went to the doctor. Our regular pediatrician, Dr. Emily Gavin, was unavailable. So we met with the new doctor, Dr. Rhonda Dodge. I loved her! She was awesome. And it's great to have a back up doctor. Anyway, after informing Dr. Dodge that one child at daycare has pneumonia, another is on a nebulizer, and a third went home sick with a fever, it was a surprise to hear that Weston's lungs and ears are clear. that all he has is a virus. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done for him. And we were told that the cough sometimes takes 4-6 weeks to move out of his system. Hopefully we're halfway through that wait time. Dr. Dodge did tell Weston that the only medicine he needs is a lot to drink, mainly water and juice. and he seemed to understand her. So... no meds, and lots of fluids. And hopefully we'll be on the mend soon. We woke up to almost 3" of snow this morning... maybe that hard long freeze is on it's way to kill all the bugs in the air. Maybe....

Brrrrr!!!!

Had our first significant snow fall yesterday. The first since last winter, early 2010. It was 50+ degrees 2 days ago, and now it's a high of 18. Brrr is right! The worst part isn't the snow. It's the wind. 30-45 mph wind makes for a very cold walk to the car. i think I'm going to start my car now... and leave in 10 minutes.

resolutions to revelations

Happy 2012!!!

  I am hoping to be a better blogger this year. Then again, I am hoping to have more time to write and more to talk about. My graphic design business has stalled a bit. One because I am so busy with the new job and holidays, and two, because I am waiting for good high-quality pictures for the job I am currently designing.

  Right now, my little family is trying to just settle into the New Year. Post holidays, we’re trying to be home more and to get more organized, and to work more on our family. I want to be a better wife and mother. I really want to be less tired than I have been in the last year. I want to be “there” for Weston. And I am trying really hard to make the time to play. If it means waiting to eat dinner until 8pm… so be it. It’s not like Weston is eating right now any way. (And he’s not. He eats when he’s hungry. So, he’s fine.) And speaking of Weston, he is now more than ½ my height. Which is crazy! At this rate, he’ll be taller than me by the time he’s 8 or 9. I’m sure the growing will slow down, but I still think he’ll pass me by sometime around 10 or 11 years old. Right now he’s learning about Dinosaurs and Paleontologists. And our daycare is so amazing! Yesterday, Weston and his fellow Paleontologists did a field study outside (thank you 60 degree day in January!) and they “dug” up dino bones. (Cut from paper) and their most exciting find was deer poop in the field. Kids. J So, it’s Dinosaur mania in our house.

  Scott is working, and finally getting home at a decent hour, now that the liquor-fueled holidays are over. He’s hurting a bit… not sure what he plans to do about it. But I’d love for him to feel better soon. Maybe with his chiropractor finally back from a 2 week vacation, he can get his body fixed. These weekends at home are helping too.

  I started my new job at RCS Millwork last week. And on days when I am busy, it’s great. I feel so productive and useful. And then the days when the Project Managers forget that I am here, and they do everything by themselves… well those are the days that I want to fall asleep. And it’s so warm in this office, that if I am not careful, I Will Fall Asleep. Oops.

  I will close with a little insight from a toddler: This has been the best week with Weston in a while. Not that he isn’t great in general; it’s just that this week he has been especially poignant and just plain fun. Case in point: Saturday we had a movie night. He wanted to be in our bedroom and he wanted Auntie Shannon to be with him. So she went. They were watching Curious George and discussing anatomy. Where’s your brain? Weston points to his head. Where’s your heart? Weston points to his chest. And then he says,

“If someone hurts your heart, you might cry.”

Yep. Very astute for my 3 year old, though he’s usually logical. on Monday, we played puzzles, and cars, and in a tent, and wrestled with his 4’ tall stuffed Frog named Phreddie. (Phreddie won.) And when Daddy came home, Weston played with him too. Last night at Shannon’s, he kept making the best faces. And then we played with her Melissa & Doug puppet named: Cupcake (Shannon), Strawberry Shortcake (Weston), and Janice (by me, because she looks like Janice from Animal’s rock band on the Muppets.) It was high-larious! Though the funniest part was when Weston spoke in a high voice for the puppet. I need to get the video from Shannon. Yes, it’s on video.

  My point is this… life is constantly changing. Sometimes for the worse, hopefully for the better. I resolve to try and look at 2012 as a year where things are Good. Things don’t have to be great. But so long as everyone is happy and healthy for the most part, then I will love Good. And I will be satisfied.