Since I've been gone...

My Mom died over 5 months ago, October 18, 2013 .
It was not beautiful, but it was mercifully fast. Mom didn't suffer as much as we did, and I thank everything for that. It was a little supernatural in that I heard something hit the floor upstairs near her bed right as she passed. We looked everywhere, nothing had fallen. I think it was Mom. It's all it could have been, at least in my head.
I wrote her obituary, at her request, and it's some of the best writing that I've ever done, or so I've been told. I'm glad that I could honor her that way.
I'm not over it. I will never be over it. I miss her every day, every night, whenever I look at my children. And yes, I said Children.

My boys were born Dec.12th. They were 6 weeks early from their due date and 4 weeks early from our scheduled C-section.

Everything was fine and normal on Dec. 11th. I had my regular apt with the Perinatal Center - ultrasound and non-stress test came back great. Babies had turned sideways, but we all thought that was good- they were getting ready for the final stretch. As I was leaving, my brakes went out on our car. Everything ended up fine- I wasn't hurt, and I managed to make it to a gas station on one of Des Moines' busiest roads. he car was towed, and my sister picked me up. My aunt was in town watching Weston before and after school since our daycare was closed, because they had their baby. We went to dinner that night all together, and I still felt fine. No problem.
I woke up at 5am on Thursday, December 12th, having to go to the bathroom. I got up and felt like I wet myself. 15 minutes later, I woke up and realized that people do not go to the bathroom for 15 minutes. So I called the hospital nurse and confirmed that my water had broke. So we went off to the hospital in a great rush - no packing, Weston wouldn't even wake up. We were just so lucky that my aunt wasn't supposed to leave until 9am. She took care of Weston and got him off to school, and then joined us at the hospital. I was so ridiculously calm. Scott too. There was no freaking out or anything. I still can't believe how calm and surreal it all was. The nurses actually told us that Scott and I were the cutest couple, one of their favorites. I didn't feel like we were being particularly nice to each other, but hey, we'll always take a compliment.
It took 5 hours for the hospital to get everything in order (I totally had time to pack!!!) It was smooth and so much different from Weston's emergency C-section. I actually had contractions this time. But they never got bad enough to need medication, but they were almost to that point. :)
But, it was nice to talk to the doctors and nurses, to have time to comprehend everything.
Keegan Nathaniel was born at 11:31am, 5lbs 4oz, and 19" long. He was doing well enough for me to see him up close.
Sebastian Miller was born at 11:34am (though it felt so much longer than 3 minutes in between since they had to pull him out from under my ribcage). He was 4lbs, 12 oz and 17-1/4" long. He wasn't doing as well, so I saw him through the incubator.
The babies were immediately transported to the NICU, while I was taken to surgical recovery. I had an amazing experience. Everything was calm, our babies cried when they were born, and I got to see them before they went upstairs. The doctors and nurses were amazing, very caring and I didn't feel like I was on an assembly line. I really wish Mercy would send me a survey or something. I was able to see my babies in their NICU room within 3 hours and I was able to hold Keegan by 9pm that evening.
I was in the hospital for 4 days, and it was weird being in the maternity ward without babies. It was also lonely, especially at night. I was up and walking by the next day. I only missed 2 days of being in the NICU with my boys in over 3 weeks, and it was weather related. Our winter weather has been awful since these boys were born. It's like they brought ice and snow with them - probably so they could snuggle more.
Our boys were in the NICU for about 3 weeks. It felt so much longer. The first few days were the longest, and most frightening, but looking back, we really had it easy. Our boys were rock stars. They were born at a great size (I think they would have been 8-9 pounds had they gone to their scheduled delivery date), and were in pretty good health. They needed help breathing, so they were on Room-Air Oxygen, what that means is that room air is pushed into their lungs to help them breath regularly. It's a big step down from pure Oxygen. They were also on antibiotics (to cover the bases), feeding tubes, had their blood sugars checked regularly, 4 different heart/lung monitors, and in incubation boxes (I'm sure that there is a better name, but it's a plastic box.) Within a week, they had made vast improvements. I thought for sure that we'd have them home for Christmas. Everyone said I was wrong, but I looked at it as being optimistic. The boys had to meet four requirements before their release:
1. Maintain their body temp
2. Continually gain weight
3. Eat by mouth (breast or bottle) consistently for 48 hours - since they were early and smaller, eating completely tires them out, so they occasionally had to be fed through the tube so they would have enough energy to bottle feed the next time. The more the eat, the more they grow, the more tired they get trying to get there. It's a vicious cycle.
4. No Spells - what are spells? Spells are cycles where the baby's heart rate & breathing drop very low for longer than 15 seconds before their body recovers, either on their own or with assistance. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.
So, as I said, I was optimistic for a Christmas homecoming. The boys were rocking it, Sebastian was finally overcoming his spells and was really picking up the eating. On 12/23 the boys were circumcised. Sebastian sailed through and kept moving forward. Keegan just couldn't get over the stress of the circumcision and/or the overall pain. He started having set backs - spells, not eating, maintaining, but not gaining weight. It was a long 12 days with him.
Sebastian was released from the NICU on December 31, 2013. It was the hardest thing leaving Keegan behind. But it was the right choice and place for him. If he had been released and had to be readmitted, he would have gone to the PICU (Peds) instead of the NICU - and there are so many more infections in the PICU. Weston and Sebastian got to know one another, and I really think it helped Weston to only have one baby to deal with. Once on his own, Keegan really started to flourish. We were back on the countdown to release.
Sebastian came home the afternoon of January 4, 2014. It was crazy saying good bye to the NICU and signing out for the last time. We plan on going back and taking some of the boys clothes... not all NICU babies are tiny. :)
Its been an amazing time. I was able to stay home with them for an additional 7 weeks, so I was gone from work for 10 weeks. I had help for 8 of the 10 weeks. My aunt came of from Cedar Rapids for 2-4 days 8 of the 10 weeks. She was a godsend. My sister and her fiance also come by to hold and cuddle and help out as needed, and Weston has been a big help too. Well, as big of a help as a 5 year old wants to be. The boys are smiling and cooing and starting to laugh in response to tickling. All is good so far. :) My Mom would just love these boys. They each like to be held and cuddled and then they want to be put down for time on end - she would have loved that.

and we're having... BOYS!

We took Weston with us to our appt last Friday. He was interested for a few minutes, but after finding out what they were, he was pretty much over it. :)

Both babies did a decent job of showing their parts. And by parts, I mean BOY parts. Yep, both babies are boys. So we'll have 3 boys. OMG. I really thought one would be a girl.

The most important part is that they are healthy and doing great! That's all I've ever prayed for was healthy babies. Their heartbeats are back to being synchronized at 154 bpm, and one has flipped so while they are still situated top and bottom, their heads are close together. And their placentas on together along the back wall of my uterus. So, everyone is healthy. The doctor increased my bp medications since it's creeping up a bit, but she reminded me that it's still a very low dosage, so I'm ok. I did lose 4 pounds while sick, they weren't thrilled, but they understood.

The ultrasound tech was the one from our miscarriage earlier this year. I am not a fan of hers. And she doesn't take the best pictures. We didn't even get a profile of the babies.

Anyway, we did the big gender reveal with my family this weekend and played the name game in the car again, though only boys this time.

I only spent $5 on the reveal. I wrapped a Rubbermaid container in baby wrapping paper. And I put 2 "It's a Boy!" balloons inside with a weight. Then I added a bow onto the lid. Weston opened it for my parents, and my nieces opened it for my brother. I liked letting the kids open it. Gave everyone a better view.

Everyone is happy that the babies are healthy. We all thought one baby would have been a girl. So, 2 boys came as a big surprise. My brother seemed a little disappointed. He really wants a son, and has daughters, while I keep having sons. Oh well, healthy babies are all that matters.

Here's pictures of the big reveal:

Our Surprise Package! When opened, the balloons popped out!

2 Baby Boys with bow ties!

Current names floating around our heads:

Keegan          Landon

Kellan            Griffin

Sebastian        Elliot

Archer            Asher

Harrison         Edison

Holden

Nothing set in stone yet... just tossing things around. And none of these are pairings either.

On another note,  Weston starts Kindergarten tomorrow. Where has the time gone?!?

I can't find the words...

Lego Night! Weston's first time with his new tray and Legos!
January 7, 2013

Every night for the last week or so, my 4 yr old little boy has wanted to play something he calls "Family." We kind of let it go for a bit, and he focused on something else. But then he wanted to play Family in the living room. So, I asked him what Family was?

   "You're the Mommy. Daddy's the Daddy. I'm the Big Brother. And this [Mr. Moose the Christmas Moose] is our Baby Elizabeth. And this [his bear named Teddy] is our Baby Brother. His name is Alex. We're in the car now, Mommy. Do you have your seat belt on?"

And that's how he plays "Family." Every night, he brings his Babies onto the chair in the living room. He makes sure that we hug and kiss our babies. He makes sure that we are all buckled in. And then we are off on an adventure! Sometimes, we drive to Target or Walmart where Weston will get a new toy. Or like last night, we'll be on a boat and I will have to take care of the babies while he and Daddy go fishing. And then he'll try to show his Baby Brother Alex how to catch a fish. Or after we're done fishing, Weston and the babies will watch a movie or a PBS show on his phone.

Every night I am reminded how desperate my child is for a sibling. How desperate he and I have both become. It's all that either one of us can think about. And there really aren't resources out there on how to deal with this... infertility impacting children.

Weston constantly asks me "when will we get our baby?"
"Why does everyone else get a baby and we don't?"
"How come Jackson has a baby (his friend) and Manny (Ice Age 3) has a baby, but I don't have a baby?"
"It's not fair. We need a baby!"

Last week he became briefly obsessed with baby names:
Weston: "I have an Idea! We should name our baby, Baby Ethan!"
Me/Mommy: "We can't. We have a friend named Ethan. We want everyone to have their own names."
W: "You don't like my plan."
M: "Yes, I do. But you wouldn't want [our friend] to name her new baby 'Weston' would you?"
W: "No... but what happens is someone takes our baby's name? Then he won't have a name!"
M: "We don't have a baby yet."
W: (very loudly) "But we will!!! And if someone takes his name, he won't have one!!!"
*We've hit panic mode by this time. We're in the car, and he's practically in tears over his non-existent sibling not having a name, because someone is going to steal it. I have only once choice... the baby name game.
M: "What about we pick a different name. What name do you like?"
W: "I don't know..."
M: "What about Sebastian?"
W: "I like that."
M: "What about Griffin?"
W: "I love Griffin! It's cool!"
M: "What if it's a girl? Do you like Emerson?"
W: "No. It's bad." (I love that name.)
M: "What about Eden?"
W: "I like that. Eden? What about Alexis?"
M: "Well, Alexis is your friend... hey look, we're here!"
*Saved by the front door to where we needed to be.

I took a test this morning. Because I am a Masochist. I knew what the answer would be. But because I've been sick(ish) since Friday, and just this side of nauseous every night since then, the thought had crept into my mind - maybe this time you are pregnant. Maybe you'll be sick the entire time, all pregnancies are different and it's been 4+ years. It great how your own mind can manipulate you into happiness. But it was wrong. a big fat "NEGATIVE" this morning. So much for the holiday spirit working a miracle.
When we were TTC the first time (Weston) it was just me that I had to answer to. Scott to some extent. And the family to others... but everything ultimately game back to me. Now... I feel guilty that I can't give my child the one thing he wants most in the world. Something we all want, but this is so important to him. Weston is getting older. He'll be 4-1/2 at the end of the month. That means even if we are lucky enough to conceive at the next cycle, there will be at least a 5 year age difference between our children. For that reason alone, I hope we are able to have a daughter. It's what Weston wants, and I think the gender differences will make the age difference not as noticeable to them.

Ok... I've said all I can. Now I just have to hold the sadness in until its manageable. That, and I am thinking of having Scott checked out this time. I mean... he is 43 years old. Maybe something needs updated on his end. I mean, after everything I have been through, maybe it's his turn?

Thoughts on Infertility and Siblings?

Babies, Babies, and More Babies in a TTC Haze

We are being surrounded by babies! 

My sister’s friend Dee is expecting her second child, a son named Otis to join his sister Elleanor, this October. My local bestie is expecting her first at the end of January 2013. And two more of our sorority sisters, including one of my former roommates, are expecting babies the first week of February. Additionally one of my co-workers, the son of our owner, and his wife are also expecting baby #2 at the end of January. And add to that our nephew Jeremy and his wife Charlie, are expecting their first baby around March 4^th; and we just found out that Jeremy’s sister Tasha and her husband are expecting baby #4 around March 1^st. That’s the potential for two 1^st cousin-babies on the same day. 

By my count, that’s 7 babies before the second week of March. Wow. Talk about a baby boom.

That being said, none of these babies are ours. And I have at least 2 other friends that are also TTC with little luck. I’m so happy for our friends and family. And it’s easier this time to deal with everyone around me being pregnant. But the little green-eyed monster is still poking at my heart. I am still a little bit jealous of all these pregnant women around me. I loved being pregnant – that is, when I wasn’t scared to death about something going wrong. But I can happily say that I am no where near the blind-with-jealousy-crazy-weepy-witch I was for the 3 years until Weston’s conception. Thank Goodness for everyone who loves me. I’m lucky. Anytime I start feel jealous, I take one long look at Weston. Our miracle boy can cure jealousy – either by being so adorable or by being a typical mad little guy. Either way, I’m distracted by him.

So… we’re not pregnant. What happened? What does it all mean? Well, since I know some are new to this, and my blog, I’ll try to be as blunt as possible. If you have questions, let me know. I’ll do my best to answer them.

1. I like it how I say, “we’re not pregnant.” What I really mean is, “I’m not pregnant.” Yeah, it’s a shared experience, but the ups and downs of hormones and moods and emotions are inside ME. Granted they sometimes spill over and affect my husband, but trust me, he has no clue how much worse it is to be inside my head, body, and heart. I’m the one hiding the pain, guilt, and shame from everyone around me. As well as the entire process from my new employer- it feels like “wives” have babies at this company, not employees (I am one of 2 women of child-bearing age employed here.)
2.  Cycle 2 of the fertility drug Femera was a bust.
   On Femera-cycle one (TTC Cycle #7), my progesterone level was measured at 10.5 on my Day 21 blood test. (Based on cycles – you take the fertility drugs on cycle days 3-7 to help ovulation. Ovulation generally occurs around cycle days 9-11. You can “see” if ovulation occurred based on Progesterone levels on cycle Day 21.) The nurse told me that they prefer a count over 11, but 10.5 was close enough that I probably ovulated. I obviously didn’t conceive. I had my 21 day blood draw last Thursday for Femera-cycle #2. I forgot to call and get the results on Friday. I wish I had. I could have spent the weekend drinking with Scott’s family. Anyway, with the Labor Day holiday, I couldn’t call until Tuesday morning. And by Tuesday morning, I knew that Femera-cycle 2 was a bust – I had already started my period. But I was still interested in the results. And they were discouraging – only a 7.5. The nurse said that ovulation was possible. I asked how when last month I was told they wanted me over 11. No answer. She called back and told me that the doctor wanted to double the dosage of Femera. Cycle Day 3 is today… my alarm goes off at 10am to remind me to take the 2 small pills.
3.  So… there’s a lot of planning that goes into conception. I take my temperature first thing every morning (on the theory that your temp goes up at ovulation, mine isn't clear yet.) I use the iPhone app “iPeriod” to track every single detail of my cycle. I’ve purchased from Amazon.com some medical grade Ovulation Predictor Kits and Pregnancy Tests, a brand called Wondfo, 40 ovulation tests + 10 pregnancy tests for about $14. (A great deal if you’ve made some of the commercial-grade purchases.) These are the hard-core TTC tests – there are no pretty applicators and you have to pee in a cup to test. Mine should be here by Monday.
   Also – trying to have sex on a schedule sucks. It’s not romantic. It’s work. Usually it’s fun. But when you are having sex every 36 hours, and you’re going away for the weekend… sometimes a forced “quickie” before daycare pickup becomes essential – and that was the hardest one for us. Me especially. This was the most emotionless start-up in our history. I need to work on that.
4. This is our last shot for a semi-normal conception. If this doesn’t work, we will be referred to Mid Iowa Fertility. I did not have a good experience there when we were TTC Weston. I had to make all of the decisions without being informed. I had to do all the research into the possible problems with me. I did all the tests that they wanted, but never seemed to find an answer. Finally, I had a “Come-to-Jesus” meeting with the millionaire doctor who was responsible for the future of my family. He would not help me; he kept asking what I wanted to do. I told him “that he doesn’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to have me make the choices for him. That’s why he went to school.” It was humiliating to be put into that situation. Since I had a feeling that I had Endometriosis, I made the decision to undergo a surgical Laparoscopy. And I was right. (Not that any doctor in the previous 4 years had listened to me.) During that surgery all of the endometrial adhesions were removed. And even though Mid Iowa Fertility told me that I had not ovulated the cycle immediately following the surgery (“You didn’t ovulate, and even if you had, we would be able to see the egg traveling, and it’s not there. There is nothing.”) I actually did ovulate, and conceived Weston. Miracle Baby part 1.
   So… if we do not conceive this cycle, and are sent back to Mid Iowa Fertility (our only Fertility Specialist Clinic) we will be asking for the other doctor. I hope it doesn’t come to this.

Ok… so that’s where I am today: Cycle Day 3 of Femera-Cycle 3 of TTC-cycle 9 – a lot to remember, I know.

But there are some fun parts of TTC – Names!!! Scott will not be more active than voicing a yes or no response to a name I say. He will not look at books or websites until we’ve conceived. But he’ll play a game in the car on long trips with my sister and I… we go through the alphabet and name one name for a boy and girl for each letter. And then we discuss. Anything worth keeping gets added to the list. My favorite name site right now is Nameberry. It’s all about names, and its super fun. There are others, like Baby Zone and Baby Center, but they contain everything about being a parent. Nameberry is strictly names until you enter the discussion forums. (I've found some great things in the forums, like the Wondfo tests.) Last night’s blog of the day came from a forum thread about favorite names from A-Z. It was a lot of fun to see what other people chose. How traditional some were versus how many picked unusual names, to how many liked the same name I thought were creative and unique to me. So… to end this, here’s my A-Z list:

 Girl/Boy

A: Anastasia/Asher
B: Bianca/Beckett
C: Cordelia/Christopher
D: Daphne/Donovan & Dashiell
E: Eden & Emerson/Emmett & Elliot
F: Fiona/Felix
G: Greyson/Gideon
H: Haven & Holland/Holden & Harper
I: Ivy/Iain
J: Jillian/Jackson
K: Katherine/Keegan
L: Lucie/Liam
M: Mollie & Myka/Mercer
N: Naomi/Nathaniel
O: Olivia/Oliver
P: Penelope/Parker
Q: Quinn/?
R: Romy/Rhys
S: Sutton/Sebastian
T: Tabitha/Tobias
U: n/a
V: Valentina/?
W: Waverly/Weston (of course) & William (nn Liam)
X: Xavia/Xavier
Y: n/a
Z: Zoey & Zara/Zane

The funny thing is... a lot of the girls and boys names sound alike int he same letter: Emerson & Emmett, Xavia & Xavier, Olivia & Oliver. Other than the "E"s, I like the male version better. And some names I like because they are children in my life, or names friends and family are set on... not names I'd choose for myself. Right now, I am loving Eden and Sebastian... but that could change with a little (+) on a test. ;)