Since I've been gone...

My Mom died over 5 months ago, October 18, 2013 .
It was not beautiful, but it was mercifully fast. Mom didn't suffer as much as we did, and I thank everything for that. It was a little supernatural in that I heard something hit the floor upstairs near her bed right as she passed. We looked everywhere, nothing had fallen. I think it was Mom. It's all it could have been, at least in my head.
I wrote her obituary, at her request, and it's some of the best writing that I've ever done, or so I've been told. I'm glad that I could honor her that way.
I'm not over it. I will never be over it. I miss her every day, every night, whenever I look at my children. And yes, I said Children.

My boys were born Dec.12th. They were 6 weeks early from their due date and 4 weeks early from our scheduled C-section.

Everything was fine and normal on Dec. 11th. I had my regular apt with the Perinatal Center - ultrasound and non-stress test came back great. Babies had turned sideways, but we all thought that was good- they were getting ready for the final stretch. As I was leaving, my brakes went out on our car. Everything ended up fine- I wasn't hurt, and I managed to make it to a gas station on one of Des Moines' busiest roads. he car was towed, and my sister picked me up. My aunt was in town watching Weston before and after school since our daycare was closed, because they had their baby. We went to dinner that night all together, and I still felt fine. No problem.
I woke up at 5am on Thursday, December 12th, having to go to the bathroom. I got up and felt like I wet myself. 15 minutes later, I woke up and realized that people do not go to the bathroom for 15 minutes. So I called the hospital nurse and confirmed that my water had broke. So we went off to the hospital in a great rush - no packing, Weston wouldn't even wake up. We were just so lucky that my aunt wasn't supposed to leave until 9am. She took care of Weston and got him off to school, and then joined us at the hospital. I was so ridiculously calm. Scott too. There was no freaking out or anything. I still can't believe how calm and surreal it all was. The nurses actually told us that Scott and I were the cutest couple, one of their favorites. I didn't feel like we were being particularly nice to each other, but hey, we'll always take a compliment.
It took 5 hours for the hospital to get everything in order (I totally had time to pack!!!) It was smooth and so much different from Weston's emergency C-section. I actually had contractions this time. But they never got bad enough to need medication, but they were almost to that point. :)
But, it was nice to talk to the doctors and nurses, to have time to comprehend everything.
Keegan Nathaniel was born at 11:31am, 5lbs 4oz, and 19" long. He was doing well enough for me to see him up close.
Sebastian Miller was born at 11:34am (though it felt so much longer than 3 minutes in between since they had to pull him out from under my ribcage). He was 4lbs, 12 oz and 17-1/4" long. He wasn't doing as well, so I saw him through the incubator.
The babies were immediately transported to the NICU, while I was taken to surgical recovery. I had an amazing experience. Everything was calm, our babies cried when they were born, and I got to see them before they went upstairs. The doctors and nurses were amazing, very caring and I didn't feel like I was on an assembly line. I really wish Mercy would send me a survey or something. I was able to see my babies in their NICU room within 3 hours and I was able to hold Keegan by 9pm that evening.
I was in the hospital for 4 days, and it was weird being in the maternity ward without babies. It was also lonely, especially at night. I was up and walking by the next day. I only missed 2 days of being in the NICU with my boys in over 3 weeks, and it was weather related. Our winter weather has been awful since these boys were born. It's like they brought ice and snow with them - probably so they could snuggle more.
Our boys were in the NICU for about 3 weeks. It felt so much longer. The first few days were the longest, and most frightening, but looking back, we really had it easy. Our boys were rock stars. They were born at a great size (I think they would have been 8-9 pounds had they gone to their scheduled delivery date), and were in pretty good health. They needed help breathing, so they were on Room-Air Oxygen, what that means is that room air is pushed into their lungs to help them breath regularly. It's a big step down from pure Oxygen. They were also on antibiotics (to cover the bases), feeding tubes, had their blood sugars checked regularly, 4 different heart/lung monitors, and in incubation boxes (I'm sure that there is a better name, but it's a plastic box.) Within a week, they had made vast improvements. I thought for sure that we'd have them home for Christmas. Everyone said I was wrong, but I looked at it as being optimistic. The boys had to meet four requirements before their release:
1. Maintain their body temp
2. Continually gain weight
3. Eat by mouth (breast or bottle) consistently for 48 hours - since they were early and smaller, eating completely tires them out, so they occasionally had to be fed through the tube so they would have enough energy to bottle feed the next time. The more the eat, the more they grow, the more tired they get trying to get there. It's a vicious cycle.
4. No Spells - what are spells? Spells are cycles where the baby's heart rate & breathing drop very low for longer than 15 seconds before their body recovers, either on their own or with assistance. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.
So, as I said, I was optimistic for a Christmas homecoming. The boys were rocking it, Sebastian was finally overcoming his spells and was really picking up the eating. On 12/23 the boys were circumcised. Sebastian sailed through and kept moving forward. Keegan just couldn't get over the stress of the circumcision and/or the overall pain. He started having set backs - spells, not eating, maintaining, but not gaining weight. It was a long 12 days with him.
Sebastian was released from the NICU on December 31, 2013. It was the hardest thing leaving Keegan behind. But it was the right choice and place for him. If he had been released and had to be readmitted, he would have gone to the PICU (Peds) instead of the NICU - and there are so many more infections in the PICU. Weston and Sebastian got to know one another, and I really think it helped Weston to only have one baby to deal with. Once on his own, Keegan really started to flourish. We were back on the countdown to release.
Sebastian came home the afternoon of January 4, 2014. It was crazy saying good bye to the NICU and signing out for the last time. We plan on going back and taking some of the boys clothes... not all NICU babies are tiny. :)
Its been an amazing time. I was able to stay home with them for an additional 7 weeks, so I was gone from work for 10 weeks. I had help for 8 of the 10 weeks. My aunt came of from Cedar Rapids for 2-4 days 8 of the 10 weeks. She was a godsend. My sister and her fiance also come by to hold and cuddle and help out as needed, and Weston has been a big help too. Well, as big of a help as a 5 year old wants to be. The boys are smiling and cooing and starting to laugh in response to tickling. All is good so far. :) My Mom would just love these boys. They each like to be held and cuddled and then they want to be put down for time on end - she would have loved that.

the coming End of a Battle

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.
Love is a battle, Love is a war; Love is growing up."

- James A. Baldwin

I have no idea who James A. Baldwin is... but I like his thoughts.

I feel ravaged from Battle... and yet, I know that so much more is going to come.

I haven't written; I didn't know how. I still have a hard time putting anything into coherent sentences.

My Mom is dying.

She was released from the hospital 10 days ago, to basically go home and succumb to the infection that she contracted in the hospital. There was nothing more that they could do, so they unplugged her from the IVs and platelets and medications, and that was that.

Since she felt great, we met her at Riverside Casino for an afternoon of her favorite hobby. And she and Dad won pretty well too - which helped in their visits to the casino since (2 or 3 more times, I've lost track.) But things...

I'm just going to post this as is... interrupted and all.
So much has happened since I started this post, and I will need time to process my next post. I know this doesn't answer any pending questions, but it is what it is.

"LoverLove does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

James A. Baldwin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jamesabal100681.html#2gH8fkthfzqXzi1L.99

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/battle.html#iFuvF7oj4dHP8Hi6.99

Blubbering Mess...

As I am watching Weston at his next round of Swim Lessons (Intermediate 1), I am trying to hold the tears back. And it's mostly not working.

When I pledged Chi Omega in the Fall of 1998, I instantly made a connection with Janelle. She was so nice and accepting, taking me under her wing. Showing me the ropes... Helping me to quick cash my first paycheck after the bank was closed on a Friday afternoon. Heck - she even helped me buy my first bottle of alcohol to take to a Date Party (since the fraternity boys would only have cheap beer.)

Secretly I had wanted Janelle to be my Big Sister - the XO version of a Pledge Mom. But she explained to me that she wanted me to have a sister who would be around more - you see Janelle was a senior when I was a freshmen... And she wasn't from Iowa, so she would leave after my first year. So I got another Big Sister (who was fantastic) and Janelle watched out for me that first year. When I had trouble making grades (college studying is so different than high school studying) she had me come to house to study there. When April and I were initiated together, and I think we spent 4 hours in Janelle's room - she had set out snacks, and movies and notes. She was incredibly thoughtful that year.

A few years ago, we reconnected. Found each other on Facebook as so many do. She had a Blog, I had a Blog. We followed each other and have insight into each others lives. We talked about our struggles and kids. When Mom got sick, she was so supportive.

And then on July  18th, came the news that she'd had a biopsy - and everything came back clear and great, and after Mom, this was a huge relief! But by the end of July - less than 3 weeks later, News had come back that Janelle has Stage 4 Acute Adrenal Cancer. I immediately hit Google. It hits mainly people age 30-40. It hardly found in the early stages unless it manifests as a whole tumor. Janelle's never grew as a single tumor - it spread everywhere - the same way that the hormones that the Adrenal gland produces do - her lungs, her brain... It kept going. She immediately started Chemo. She had a small break and then jumped right into radiation treatments. She completed those less than 2 weeks ago. And things seemed to be going better. She was enjoying food again. She was going out with family. It was such a relief. 

Today... Today we got the news that Janelle had been moved to a care center, and would probably being going home today with Hospice Care. According to the news, the chemo and radiation did nothing to slow the tumor growth, and in fact the tumors had all grown more than 50%, filling her lungs and one is set to sever her spinal cord. How is this possible? She is 35 years old, happily married, and has a beautiful 8 yr old daughter. 

I've been crying since 5:30. Weston was convinced that I was crying from happiness at being able to take him to swim lessons. I let him run with that. In no way could I explain that my friend is dying. Because my friends shouldn't be dying. 

Our friend Brandy is getting married in October. We will be serenading her with the traditional XO song, Shades. Janelle has such as an amazing voice, and used to carry our whole house with this closing hymn. Every time I hear this song, I hear her carrying the melody. Making it a better song, and we'll never be together to sing that again.

I am heart-broken that this is happening to my friend and her family. I am so angry and sad (and probably hormonal). I hate cancer even more than I used to. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again): Cancer is a Bitch.