Blubbering Mess...

As I am watching Weston at his next round of Swim Lessons (Intermediate 1), I am trying to hold the tears back. And it's mostly not working.

When I pledged Chi Omega in the Fall of 1998, I instantly made a connection with Janelle. She was so nice and accepting, taking me under her wing. Showing me the ropes... Helping me to quick cash my first paycheck after the bank was closed on a Friday afternoon. Heck - she even helped me buy my first bottle of alcohol to take to a Date Party (since the fraternity boys would only have cheap beer.)

Secretly I had wanted Janelle to be my Big Sister - the XO version of a Pledge Mom. But she explained to me that she wanted me to have a sister who would be around more - you see Janelle was a senior when I was a freshmen... And she wasn't from Iowa, so she would leave after my first year. So I got another Big Sister (who was fantastic) and Janelle watched out for me that first year. When I had trouble making grades (college studying is so different than high school studying) she had me come to house to study there. When April and I were initiated together, and I think we spent 4 hours in Janelle's room - she had set out snacks, and movies and notes. She was incredibly thoughtful that year.

A few years ago, we reconnected. Found each other on Facebook as so many do. She had a Blog, I had a Blog. We followed each other and have insight into each others lives. We talked about our struggles and kids. When Mom got sick, she was so supportive.

And then on July  18th, came the news that she'd had a biopsy - and everything came back clear and great, and after Mom, this was a huge relief! But by the end of July - less than 3 weeks later, News had come back that Janelle has Stage 4 Acute Adrenal Cancer. I immediately hit Google. It hits mainly people age 30-40. It hardly found in the early stages unless it manifests as a whole tumor. Janelle's never grew as a single tumor - it spread everywhere - the same way that the hormones that the Adrenal gland produces do - her lungs, her brain... It kept going. She immediately started Chemo. She had a small break and then jumped right into radiation treatments. She completed those less than 2 weeks ago. And things seemed to be going better. She was enjoying food again. She was going out with family. It was such a relief. 

Today... Today we got the news that Janelle had been moved to a care center, and would probably being going home today with Hospice Care. According to the news, the chemo and radiation did nothing to slow the tumor growth, and in fact the tumors had all grown more than 50%, filling her lungs and one is set to sever her spinal cord. How is this possible? She is 35 years old, happily married, and has a beautiful 8 yr old daughter. 

I've been crying since 5:30. Weston was convinced that I was crying from happiness at being able to take him to swim lessons. I let him run with that. In no way could I explain that my friend is dying. Because my friends shouldn't be dying. 

Our friend Brandy is getting married in October. We will be serenading her with the traditional XO song, Shades. Janelle has such as an amazing voice, and used to carry our whole house with this closing hymn. Every time I hear this song, I hear her carrying the melody. Making it a better song, and we'll never be together to sing that again.

I am heart-broken that this is happening to my friend and her family. I am so angry and sad (and probably hormonal). I hate cancer even more than I used to. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again): Cancer is a Bitch.

they listen...

Weston and I went to dinner with the Chi O Girls last night at the Cheesecake Factory in the mall.
Jayme guessed my news by my lack of caffeine and we told Melissa. April already knew because she found a picture of a test on my phone about 3 weeks ago. ;)
They were all beyond happy and so encouraging.
Dinner was ok. This pregnancy doesn't like cheese. Especially cheddar. So my dinner last night was just ok. I'm wishing that I'd gotten the Chicken Bellagio - mainly so I'd have lunch today.

Anyway, April needed to find some baby jeans for her daughter, since it's been so cold lately. So, we were in Baby Gap, and all the way at the back of the store is the clearance section and Maternity section. Weston became obsessed with the maternity mannequins. He kept rubbing their bellies and lifting up their shirts and I had to explain what they were. Then he asked where the babies were, and we told him that they were just pretend to see how the clothes looked, etc.
On our way out of the store, Weston stops at the door, turns to me and asks, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
We about died. April and I kept trying to change the subject, "Let's go to the next store! Have you seen these shoes yet?" He tried 3 more times before we had him distracted enough not to answer.


Today though - I wonder if he was calling me fat or if he really is clairvoyant. does my belly look like the mannequin's already? I don't know which is worse?!?

But all-in-all, it was a hilarious night.

our fruit continues to blossom...

This is what I got in my weekly email this morning. I'm kind of in love with these little phrases! Highlights from this week's progress report:

• By the middle of this week, Baby has 10 toes and 10 fingers (though there's still webbing between them). A small neck has appeared and a distinct profile is already emerging on Baby's tiny face. But here's the most exciting part: Your tadpole/chickpea/raspberry is no longer considered an embryo but--a bona fide fetus with moving arms and legs!

Guess I won't be able to call him or her the Great Embryolio any longer. I need a new name... or I can just go with the berry or fruit of the week!

So... I am surrounded by new babies and expectant parents. Two just announced this week. One is already 5+ months along (no idea how she kept that secret), she announced with a picture of a snowman family made by child #2 including a pregnant snowmom, and the other announced with a bath picture of child #1 on Instagram. I dying to tell people, to make it feel more real. But I know that we have to keep it in until the Ultrasound at the very least. Oh, and one of my sorority sisters announced her engagement last night. It's so exciting. The last of "our group" to take the plunge! Except her potential wedding date is the week of this baby's estimated due date. So we can't go. :(    And that about kills me. (It's in Texas... too far to travel before baby or just after.)

So... yeah. Dying to tell and can't. Always hungry but watching my carbs, etc. :) The next 10 days until this Ultrasound can't come fast enough!

Oh! I had my regular diabetic check up and blood work this week. It's great! The best A1C level in years! So, no insulin shots for the time being!!! I know they are coming, but the longer I can put it off, the better. :)

Ok, back to waiting!!! I'm working on the 2nd Favorite Songs list... it's just taking time. ;)

Legacy...

My local BFF April is having a baby - hopefully today.

April and I met for the first time when we were inducted into Chi Omega together. She had been away at Army boot camp during my first semester, so we did not know each other well - actually, we didn't like each other at all. :)  Initiation was performed in pairs, alphabetically, and April and I were paired up together. After our 15-30 minute initiation ceremony, we were sequestered into a member's room to wait and ponder our existence in silence... for 3 hours! (Such a long time because we were the beginning of the alphabet.) Three hours with someone will definitely open up a line of communication - even when restricted - not much, but some. ;)

Drake Relays All Greek Reunion 4/28/12

We became closer in the beginning of 2000 when we were chosen to be Rho Chi(s) - aka Rush Councilors for the Fall 2000 Greek Rush. It was our job to act as representatives of the entire Greek System and aid the potential initiates through the individual sorority houses as they found the house that was a perfect fit for each of them. We would essentially be cut off from our house for about 3 weeks, acting not as Chi Omegas, but as Greeks with 2 women from each house on campus. It was incredibly exciting for us. April and I weren't the typical sorority girl - we weren't stick thin, we weren't rich, and our house wasn't a part of the mold. We were so excited to be able to show the incoming Freshmen that you could be an individual while still being Greek.

But it wasn't meant to be. Our Chi Omega house, the Rho Beta chapter, closed it's doors the summer of 2000. The National board decided that we were not financially fit to stay open. It was heart breaking for all of us. My closest friends especially - we were the officers and Rho Chi(s)... I was also the Secretary (technically #2 in the hierarchy), my close friends were the President, VP, Education chair, and April was the other Rho Chi. We had plans, and it devastated us to close. We all moved away from each other, mostly in pairs (which is kind of funny) but we stayed together. In the Fall of 2000 as the other houses were getting ready for Rush, we were all in a state of depression. But my roommate Katie and I found a wonderful surprise in our horrible Religion class - April was in it with us!! And it was during this time that April and I really became good friends.

April has been one of my best friends since that stupid Religion class, thirteen years now. She was with me when I thought I was in love with someone in my early 20s. She was with me when I fell in love with Scott long distance. And she was my only Des Moines friend to visit me in Sioux City when I moved to Scott. She was one of the first people I called when we were moving back to Des Moines. Once back here, we've had monthly (or more) dinners for 8 years! I was with April through her various relationships - but when she met Glen, it was like something magical clicked. He didn't seem like her type, but his love for her, and her love for him, knew no bounds. And they both love my child. April is one of Weston's favorite people. Their wedding was beautiful and so much fun! (And so hot in June!)

Last spring, April and Glen found out that they probably wouldn't be able to conceive naturally due to some medical issues. And having been there, it was tough. But they thought that it was ok... they had some ducks to get in a row before they'd worry too much about it, and besides, they've only been married for two years. But I guess waiting wasn't in the cards. April announced her surprise pregnancy in June, and I bawled like a big baby, for about 10 minutes straight! In a restaurant full of strangers. With people looking at me. With mom's cancer return, and our TTC and just everything else... I was so happy for them and for this baby that I couldn't hold back my emotions. This baby defied the odds in its conception, and he or she is a miracle. (And if Baby Brown is a girl, then she is a Chi Omega Legacy!)

XO bib available at Chi O Creations

So, fast forward through what seemed like the fastest pregnancy and the longest last month of waiting to yesterday. At 7:30pm, April was admitted for an induction. And since she has progressed nicely thus far, we are expecting Baby Brown to arrive today! And I am so excited!!!! I can't wait to see one of my best friends hold her miracle baby in her arms! I can't wait to hold that baby myself. Hell, I can't wait to hear the name! They've been tight-lipped about everything - gender and name, so it will be a huge surprise!

I'll update as soon as I know and have pictures!

* It's a Girl!!!

Jocelyn Addison Brown

8lbs 7oz ~ 21.25” long

January 22, 2013 ~ 2:46am

 I will be visiting this afternoon! It was a difficult 33 hours for the the parents, but everyone is working towards getting healthy!!!