You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
~ Mark Twain

December 19, 2012

Storm of the...

It's being hailed as the Storm of the Century - 2012!

We've gone something like 279 days without a measurable snow fall. Mother Nature is pissed. We're in a Blizzard Warning until Thursday afternoon. I keep hearing something like 8-11 inches. Seriously?

A Shepherd, Joseph, a Wise Man, and Mary walk into a Stable - what is Mary looking at?
The Nativity Practice at Weston's Daycare.
Weston's school program is scheduled for Thursday night at 6pm... and there is talk of moving it to Saturday at 10 am... except we're leaving for Cedar Rapids and Clinton at 9am on Saturday. Not sure what to do about my Little Joseph... he's worked so hard. It's such a fun time, this is our 5th year!

And let's be honest - I am not ready for a snow day. I'd have to take it unpaid. But I don't want to be on the road with people. And I wanted to have my brakes replaced by now. Go slow, I guess.

I hope everyone stays safe and warm - we're going to be wrapping Daddy's presents, finishing my nieces' gifts, trying to watch The Polar Express, and scouring the pantry for inspiration for a dessert for our extended family Christmas on Sunday. (something that can be made Friday, served Sunday, and survive transportation.)

Here's hoping that Santa will also have time to do some wrapping.

December 18, 2012

Sandy Hook

Last Friday, December 14, 2012 at 9:30am EST, a lone gunman, a 20-yr old very troubled young man, walked into an elementary school. He'd already killed his mother with her own gun. We have no idea at this time what his motives were when he walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, but I'm not sure that they are as important as his actions.
*
Adam Lanza walked into Sandy Hook Elementary. He broke a window to gain access. And once inside, he killed 26 innocent people: six teachers and 20 First-grade children, before turning the gun on himself. Six and seven yr old children riddled with bullets, some covered by the courageous women who had thrown themselves into harms way to protect the smallest victims.
*
It's been 5 days since this horrific event. It's still all over the news and the Internet. And Facebook has become a living, breathing memorial to the victims, and an outlet for demands for more gun control. It's almost unbearable. I cry every time I read something. My little boy knows that something is wrong. He knew Friday night. He asked me why the flags were "half down the poles?" I was at a loss as to what to tell him. I just said that something very bad happened and that a lot of people were hurt very badly. And thankfully, for once, his 4-yr old mind took over and he jumped onto another topic. Almost like he knew that it was too much for his little mind to handle. I wish no had to handle this. Of course no one wishes this had ever happened.
*
I know that as a Democrat, I am supposed to be in favor of strict gun control. I also realize that by living in Iowa, I am surrounded by gun enthusiasts. Here's the kicker - I've never really cared. I don't personally like guns. I don't want any in my house or around my child. But my friends are hunters. They have guns and have been trained to use them. One even taught my then 3-yr old how to properly hold a pistol.
(I about died. Shouldn't you ask his parent first?)
*
I agree that every LAW ABIDING CITIZEN has the right to bear arms. (Criminals should be stripped of this right, it's more important than their right to vote, in my opinion.) It's a citizen's right to be able to buy a gun if they want. I also believe that the gun owner is responsible for what happens with their guns. If they do not take care of it properly, lock it up, etc - and something happens, say a child finds it, etc. - then the owner is responsible. Negligent, whatever you want to call it. And they should face prosecution... it's the same as manslaughter. No, you didn't mean to hurt your friend in that car accident, but your driving is the reason that they died. Same thing. Gun - car... it can still be a weapon.
*
There is no reason on this earth why any average citizen (or gun enthusiast) needs an automatic weapon that can shoot 30+ rounds in seconds. You aren't hunting any animals for food or sport. It is my belief that if you want to own the weapon, fine. But if you want to shoot it, then you should only be able to buy the ammunition at a shooting range, and in small supervised quantities. And it should be illegal to have that kind of ammunition in your personal possession.
*
Now... this brings me to the shooter, Adam Lanza. He got his weapons from his Mother's collection. He in fact killed her with her own collection of weapons. There is evidence that Nancy Lanza knew of her son's mental and social instability. Yet, she had a home full of weapons. That he could gain access to. That she had taken him to ranges to shoot. This does not seem like a responsible idea on the part of the parent. Being that he killed her first, we can't judge her too harshly. But it sounds more and more like Adam Lanza needed serious psychiatric help. A mother wrote the most amazing blog about parenting a child who seems similar to the descriptions that the media has shown of Adam Lanza. "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was a heart-wrenching inspiration to read. If you haven't yet, please read it. This is what our children and their families are living with. This country has so many amazing people working in the Social Services fields, as social workers, therapists, psychiatrists, school-based counselors,... but there isn't enough money in these fields to keep the great people around, or to keep them from burning out with too many needs, and too few professional positions. These professionals are supposed to care for the mental well-being of their patients, but they are paid a pittance for the amount of schooling that they have to have in order to make a middle class salary. It really is a calling when the benefits are considered.
*
I think it is more important to reconsider the Mental Health programs in this country before we start the argument of gun control. I heard yesterday that a conference of over 100 of America's Mayors called for gun control in regards to Automatic weapons. I think that's great. And I hope that people listen and that change is made. But what really needs to happen is that we need to take care of these young adults who think that violence is their only choice, the only way that someone will hear their voices. Violence is not the answer. Hurting someone else to make yourself feel better or so that you feel heard is wrong. As a parent of a stable 4 yr old, I strive to make sure that my child feels safe and loved. I want him to know that no matter what, he is loved. And while I know hearing (and feeling) the words can't fix everything, I feel like its a good place to start. My heart breaks every time I hear about what happened at Sandy Hook. But I take comfort in knowing that those children were loved by their teachers. That all of the educators that died and the ones lucky enough to survive told their students that they were loved. That even in the most difficult moments of their young lives, all the students of Sandy Hook Elementary were cared for, and that the adults in their lives tried to protect and shield them from the horror of that day - from the teachers to the SWAT teams that had the children close their eyes as they were guided out of the school. From the tears of the President to the people of this great nation - the love and outpouring is amazing - Newtown, Connecticut, will never leave our hearts.

December 12, 2012

Red Lipstick is the answer to everything.

Today my heart hurts.

It sort of feels like an anxiety attack - tightening, heart racing and pounding, then it slows down and right when I notice that - it tightens again. And deep breathing isn't helping. Neither is lipstick.

*****
So that was as far as I got yesterday. That's as far as my heart could go.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday. It was 4 days before I missed anything significant. But I couldn't sleep thinking about the possibilities. And even though my womb feels completely empty - don't ask... it just feels... empty. I can't explain it, I took the test. And it confirmed my emptiness. A Big Fat empty spot on the test... only 1 pink line, not 2 lines. In other words, NEGATIVE.

I threw it away and went about getting ready for work. I told Scott. He didn't seem to notice or care. I'm sure that he does, but he reacts so little, that it's hard to feel anything but alone in this. And no matter how many times I tell him that, nothing really changes for long. He said that we can try again. Then again, that's what he's said every month since the Spring when we started trying. I thought that after the surgery, after seeing what I was willing to go through - the pain for weeks - I thought he would be more sympathetic, more communicative, more anything.

I told my sister on my way to work. She gives me all the emotional support that I need. :)  She was sad too. She once again volunteered to be a surrogate. We laughed at how her work would take that - "Um, I pregnant with my brother-in-law's baby. But don't worry, I'm only taking a week off of work since I won't have to take care of it." It's funny that she forgot to leave my part out of it. :)

Once I sat at my desk, I just felt heavy. And so incredibly sad. I applied lipstick for the first time right then. My heart hurt. I held in the tidal waves of emotions and tears that were threatening to fall. No one at works cares enough about me to notice my silence or glistening eyes. I was so incredibly pale in the mirror that the lipstick stuck out. I kept thinking that if we have to go through IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that we would wipe out our Fertility benefit with our insurance... this would be our very last baby. And as my sister says, you automatically want what you can't have. All I could think about was lost possibilities.

I made it through the morning somehow.

At lunch I went to Walgreen's and bought a new hair color, finished some Christmas stocking shopping. I applied another coat of lipstick, finding the perfect shade of red and headed back into work pumped up by some retail therapy.

The afternoon drug by... I started to feel a little lighter. The mantra going through my head: "I'm ok... I didn't lose anything I ever had. I could still hope."

At 4:15, I applied my final lipstick for the day. I felt better. Not great. Not happy. Just not hurting.
And yesterday, that was enough. It's true, the right shade of Red Lipstick can make almost anything enough.

***UPDATE***
Not Pregnant. The test was right. So, we're onto Cycle #2 post surgery. Here we go again!

December 1, 2012

Surgery Results...

I met with Dr. Cooper on Nov. 30th.

I am healing just fine. Everything looks good.

Results: I had a lot of adhesions and scar tissue from my last laproscopy and the C-Section from my 2008 pregnancy. So, incisions had to be changed. While inside, Dr. Cooper removed what adhesions, etc. that he needed to move. My liver looks great. (Always a good thing for diabetics!)

In regards to the Endometriosis, there wasn't as much present as there was during the first surgery five years ago. Which I thought was great. That was all removed as well. But Dr. Cooper explained something - just a small amount can destroy my fertility. Basically, there was a study done. fluid was taken from the reproductive areas of 3 women. One had Stage 3 Endometriosis, another had Stage 1, and the 3rd was normal and healthy - no Endometriosis. 3 healthy, normal eggs were placed in the different fluids and fertilization was attempted. The egg in healthy, normal fluid fertilized without concern. The Endometriosis eggs did not fertilize at all. The fluid with a low-level Stage 1 and the Stage 3 Endometriosis was toxic to the eggs. It didn't matter how bad the Endometriosis was... it was still Toxic in any level!
Dr. Cooper also described Endometriosis in another unconventional way:
Think of a small pimple just out of reach on the back of your shoulder. In the mirror it looks small and inconsequential. But when you move your arm, shoulder, or back - you can feel the inflammation and pain in a huge area all around it. Endometriosis is the same... it causes Inflammation that affects everything near it. But removing even the smallest amount, we have removed the affects.

According to Dr. Cooper, I should have 9-18 months of good fertility. :)

I've been prescribed the Femara again to guarantee ovulation. We're going to try it on our own for the next few months. (Hopefully it doesn't take that long!) If that doesn't work... we'll go back for IVF.