13 weeks in frame...

13 weeks of our babies in pictures - thank goodness for cell phones!

Nicknames that have evolved
Sebastian - Bash, Basher, Munchkin, Littlest Jones
Keegan - Keegs, Keegers, Keegalicious (middle of the night, but it sticks), Pumpkin, Littler Jones
Weston - Little Jones, Buddy

BIRTHDAY!!! 12/12/13 (6 weeks early)
living in the NICU, hooked up to: IV Antibiotics, feeding tubes, "room air" oxygen push, and in incubators to regulate their temperatures. Sebastian ends up under the Bilirubin light for a few days to fight Jaundice.

WEEK 1 - Major Progress!
Antibiotics ceased, Oxygen tubes removed, no more bili lights, and we're kangaroo holding - which is skin-to-skin holding. Keegan snuggles in, while Sebastian licks me until he falls asleep.

12/19/13
Both boys only have feeding tubes, though they are breast & bottle feeding when they have the energy. They have also been moved to open air cribs!

Week 2
Noticing the world around them, working on weight gain and consistency, and wearing clothes!!! Keegan meets Weston through a glass window and slightly open door first, and then on Christmas Eve Weston and our nieces meet both babies through the glass window. My Dad and brother hold them for the first time.

12/26/13 - My Birthday!
Still working on growing and eating, maintaining body temp, and not having any "spells" - once they reach these goals, they can go home!

1/4/14
Sebastian came home 12/31/13, and Keegan joined him on 1/4/14. finally, our family under 1 roof, and no need to leave the house in awful weather to venture to the NICU.

1/12/14
They are thriving! Both are gaining weight, but still not sleeping for long.

2 Months Old!!! 2/12/14
Photo shoot courtesy of Tylenol and 8 wk vaccinations.

2/14/14
Happy Valentine's Day from Aunt Shannon and soon-to-be-Uncle Bill.
Weston is in love with his baby brothers.

2/20/14 - Time has flown by and these boys have grown by leaps and bounds. They've doubled their body weights and added 2+ inches to their lengths. They're smiling and amazing. Keegan developed a Hemangioma - a birthmark that appears as a rubbery, bright red nodule of extra blood vessels in the skin. It grows for the first year of life and then fades until there is little to no trace of it. It really came in handy for telling them apart for the first few weeks at home. :)

2/20/14 - Synagis Vaccinations #2
Because they were preemies, our boys had to get what is more commonly known as RSV vaccinations. They got mailed to us directly and a home health nurse (Laura) would come out and administer them. So, here they are waiting for their shots just after being weighed. I swear Sebastian knows exactly what is going on.

Whenever these boys are too fussy, we strip them. Just like their big brother, being naked calms them down. the hate being too warm. Weston will take any excuse to remove his clothes.

We had pictures taken at the hospital on 12/31/13, you know, the ones where they visit in the first days after birth? Or in our case, almost 3 weeks after birth. We had to wait until they were both healthy enough to leave their NICU room. I had this print made at Shutterfly.

Naked Baby Time! Taking advantage of an outfit change and a 60 degree day.

For the baby shower thrown by my sister, guests were encouraged to design onesies. Our nieces made 2 of my faves - Sebastian is wearing Zoey and Keegan is wearing Paisley.

Keegan's hand in mine. I think baby hands just might be my favorite body part. And his are so perfect! And huge for his size!

3/12/14 - Our babes are 3 months old today! they offer smiles and coos, they love to be held and cuddled. Both are doing really well.

Our babies caught the cold bug that Weston and I've had. Keegan had it the worst at first with a bad cough. Sebastian's popped up again this past weekend, and mine came back with a vengeance. These Rock-N-Sleep things from Fisher Price have been a lifesaver. I wish I had one with Weston.

Weston had Dr. Seuss week at school. Monday was Red Fish, Blue Fish day. So we made him a shirt using his hand prints a la Pinterest. He wanted his brothers to match, and they were quickly growing out of these.

3/8/14 - almost 3 Months!
We had their 3 month pictures taken at Target, and then had family pictures taken as well. (see the left sidebars.)

We baptized our babies at St. Paul Lutheran on 3/15/14. I forgot to charge the battery on my camera, so this is what I have until I collect from everyone else. It was another hard time without Mom, but Dad put on a brave face and really enjoyed his grandsons. We had a great evening with both sides of the family and our friends.

3/16/14 - Sunday brunch with Scott's family. Sebastian is not thrilled about the layers in his outfit, how his cold is progressing, or the fact that I am posing him without the bottle in his mouth. He got over it, and never really did cry.

 This is the background on my phone's lock screen. It's basically a week in pictures. Papa and Keegan, Sebastian's selfie that he messaged to my friend Tuesday morning. Keegan's selfie that he instagrammed so he wouldn't be forgotten (As if!!!), and my Jones' Boys in their St. Patrick's gear. The Itty Bits are actually wearing Weston's hand-me-down tees from 2009. No idea how tight they must have fit him!

This is 3/21/14 - finally wearing the Owl hats I had made for them - and of course it's almost spring. :)

Since I've been gone...

My Mom died over 5 months ago, October 18, 2013 .
It was not beautiful, but it was mercifully fast. Mom didn't suffer as much as we did, and I thank everything for that. It was a little supernatural in that I heard something hit the floor upstairs near her bed right as she passed. We looked everywhere, nothing had fallen. I think it was Mom. It's all it could have been, at least in my head.
I wrote her obituary, at her request, and it's some of the best writing that I've ever done, or so I've been told. I'm glad that I could honor her that way.
I'm not over it. I will never be over it. I miss her every day, every night, whenever I look at my children. And yes, I said Children.

My boys were born Dec.12th. They were 6 weeks early from their due date and 4 weeks early from our scheduled C-section.

Everything was fine and normal on Dec. 11th. I had my regular apt with the Perinatal Center - ultrasound and non-stress test came back great. Babies had turned sideways, but we all thought that was good- they were getting ready for the final stretch. As I was leaving, my brakes went out on our car. Everything ended up fine- I wasn't hurt, and I managed to make it to a gas station on one of Des Moines' busiest roads. he car was towed, and my sister picked me up. My aunt was in town watching Weston before and after school since our daycare was closed, because they had their baby. We went to dinner that night all together, and I still felt fine. No problem.
I woke up at 5am on Thursday, December 12th, having to go to the bathroom. I got up and felt like I wet myself. 15 minutes later, I woke up and realized that people do not go to the bathroom for 15 minutes. So I called the hospital nurse and confirmed that my water had broke. So we went off to the hospital in a great rush - no packing, Weston wouldn't even wake up. We were just so lucky that my aunt wasn't supposed to leave until 9am. She took care of Weston and got him off to school, and then joined us at the hospital. I was so ridiculously calm. Scott too. There was no freaking out or anything. I still can't believe how calm and surreal it all was. The nurses actually told us that Scott and I were the cutest couple, one of their favorites. I didn't feel like we were being particularly nice to each other, but hey, we'll always take a compliment.
It took 5 hours for the hospital to get everything in order (I totally had time to pack!!!) It was smooth and so much different from Weston's emergency C-section. I actually had contractions this time. But they never got bad enough to need medication, but they were almost to that point. :)
But, it was nice to talk to the doctors and nurses, to have time to comprehend everything.
Keegan Nathaniel was born at 11:31am, 5lbs 4oz, and 19" long. He was doing well enough for me to see him up close.
Sebastian Miller was born at 11:34am (though it felt so much longer than 3 minutes in between since they had to pull him out from under my ribcage). He was 4lbs, 12 oz and 17-1/4" long. He wasn't doing as well, so I saw him through the incubator.
The babies were immediately transported to the NICU, while I was taken to surgical recovery. I had an amazing experience. Everything was calm, our babies cried when they were born, and I got to see them before they went upstairs. The doctors and nurses were amazing, very caring and I didn't feel like I was on an assembly line. I really wish Mercy would send me a survey or something. I was able to see my babies in their NICU room within 3 hours and I was able to hold Keegan by 9pm that evening.
I was in the hospital for 4 days, and it was weird being in the maternity ward without babies. It was also lonely, especially at night. I was up and walking by the next day. I only missed 2 days of being in the NICU with my boys in over 3 weeks, and it was weather related. Our winter weather has been awful since these boys were born. It's like they brought ice and snow with them - probably so they could snuggle more.
Our boys were in the NICU for about 3 weeks. It felt so much longer. The first few days were the longest, and most frightening, but looking back, we really had it easy. Our boys were rock stars. They were born at a great size (I think they would have been 8-9 pounds had they gone to their scheduled delivery date), and were in pretty good health. They needed help breathing, so they were on Room-Air Oxygen, what that means is that room air is pushed into their lungs to help them breath regularly. It's a big step down from pure Oxygen. They were also on antibiotics (to cover the bases), feeding tubes, had their blood sugars checked regularly, 4 different heart/lung monitors, and in incubation boxes (I'm sure that there is a better name, but it's a plastic box.) Within a week, they had made vast improvements. I thought for sure that we'd have them home for Christmas. Everyone said I was wrong, but I looked at it as being optimistic. The boys had to meet four requirements before their release:
1. Maintain their body temp
2. Continually gain weight
3. Eat by mouth (breast or bottle) consistently for 48 hours - since they were early and smaller, eating completely tires them out, so they occasionally had to be fed through the tube so they would have enough energy to bottle feed the next time. The more the eat, the more they grow, the more tired they get trying to get there. It's a vicious cycle.
4. No Spells - what are spells? Spells are cycles where the baby's heart rate & breathing drop very low for longer than 15 seconds before their body recovers, either on their own or with assistance. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.
So, as I said, I was optimistic for a Christmas homecoming. The boys were rocking it, Sebastian was finally overcoming his spells and was really picking up the eating. On 12/23 the boys were circumcised. Sebastian sailed through and kept moving forward. Keegan just couldn't get over the stress of the circumcision and/or the overall pain. He started having set backs - spells, not eating, maintaining, but not gaining weight. It was a long 12 days with him.
Sebastian was released from the NICU on December 31, 2013. It was the hardest thing leaving Keegan behind. But it was the right choice and place for him. If he had been released and had to be readmitted, he would have gone to the PICU (Peds) instead of the NICU - and there are so many more infections in the PICU. Weston and Sebastian got to know one another, and I really think it helped Weston to only have one baby to deal with. Once on his own, Keegan really started to flourish. We were back on the countdown to release.
Sebastian came home the afternoon of January 4, 2014. It was crazy saying good bye to the NICU and signing out for the last time. We plan on going back and taking some of the boys clothes... not all NICU babies are tiny. :)
Its been an amazing time. I was able to stay home with them for an additional 7 weeks, so I was gone from work for 10 weeks. I had help for 8 of the 10 weeks. My aunt came of from Cedar Rapids for 2-4 days 8 of the 10 weeks. She was a godsend. My sister and her fiance also come by to hold and cuddle and help out as needed, and Weston has been a big help too. Well, as big of a help as a 5 year old wants to be. The boys are smiling and cooing and starting to laugh in response to tickling. All is good so far. :) My Mom would just love these boys. They each like to be held and cuddled and then they want to be put down for time on end - she would have loved that.

20 week update:

Craving of the week - Pickled Beets. I think I could eat a whole jar if left alone too long!

Had the 2 hour Biophysical Scan last Friday.

Our BOYS are doing fantastic! "A" had a heart beat of 152 and was measuring right on at 20 weeks at 12 oz weight. "B" had a heart rate of 155, measuring at 11 wks, 4 days, weighing 11 oz. We got all the info that the doctors needed except some specific heart scans having to do with the aorta, etc. I will go back in 4 weeks to have the entire scans redone. Because they're bigger, they want to redo all the scans. Another 2 hours... yay.

We're still working on names. I think we have one settled, and have narrowed down the other to 4 or 5 choices. :)  We have a short list of middle names, all family, and so we're trying to make the best choices for first names.

I also think we've settled on Godparents. And I need to get a Will put together so that our wishes are honored. Gotta love responsibility. :)

And here's the Fruit photo for this week! Bananas!!! This is how the babies were positioned at our scan on Friday... Baby "A" is head down and feet up, Baby "B" is lying across A's feet with his head on my right and his feet on my left.

Oh and Weston did the cutest thing ever last night. He left to run an errand with Scott, and before he ran out the door, I got a Huge squeeze and kiss good-bye. And then he turned back and threw he arms around my tummy, planting a kiss on each side. "I had to kiss my brothers good-bye too!"
These little boys have no idea how lucky they are when it comes to big brothers. They really did hit the jackpot!

Time for some Fruit!!!
(pardon Scott's horrible focus... I think he might need glasses.)

"T" for TWINS!!!

Growing up so fast!

Enough about our impending bundles of joy. :) It's time to bring the focus back around to my Original bundle of Joy - Weston.

My 3 hour old Centerfold! Weston Christopher Jones ~ 7/31/2008

Five years ago I gave birth to the most magnificent baby boy. He was a blessing and a joy, and we were so spoiled by his arrival. And he was so worth the wait!

Today I took that very same boy to his first day of Kindergarten. Kindergarten!!! I can't believe that it's already time for full-day school.
He didn't sleep well, and ended up in our bed again. But by that point, all I wanted was for him to get a full night's sleep. He cried last night about not wanting to go to school, but wanting to go to daycare today. It was a rough night.

This morning, I made him sausage and waffles, per his request, but he barely ate. It's a good thing that he has lunch early (10:45am) so he won't be too hungry.

We got to school a little early and sat outside with the other kids and their parents. I really wish I had the luxury to take him to and from school every day. It would be amazing. But it's not to be. Scott and I walked him to his class, got him ready, took tons of pictures and then said our good-byes. I haven't heard anything yet, but I hope that he is having a great day.

Shannon made Weston a shirt to wear every first day of school: It's a Men's size Large! We have his class on the front, and then what he wants to be when he grows up on the back. This year, he wants to be a Superhero.

Weston's First Day of Kindergarten at Willowbrook Elementary, Altoona, Iowa.
Neither of us cried yet today, so that's something!

Some more of Weston's interests this year:
Clothing size: 6
Show size: 13
Favorite Color: Green
Favorite Sport: Swimming
Favorite Toys: Superheroes and dinosaurs
Favorite Stuffed Animal: Puppy
Favorite Superhero: Spiderman
Favorite Pet: Nola the cat
Favorite jammies: Batman ones
Favorite piece of clothing: new Spiderman shirt from Aunt Shannon
Favorite movie: he likes so many... no clear favorites this year
Favorite cartoon: Scooby Doo (any of them)
Favorite tv show: Doc McStuffins (Disney Jr.)
Favorite park activity: the Swings
Favorite food: Cottage Cheese
Favorite Veggie: Cucumbers and Carrots (raw)
Favorite Fruit: watermelon
Favorite Sweet Treat: brownies
Interesting notes: Weston is very sensitive to his feelings. He loves to sing, and does it all the time. He is over half my height... and growing fast! He loves babies and animals, and is very gentle with both. And he is incredibly smart with the best imagination!

Happy July!

So... I've been busy and trying not to think about the long wait of our ultrasound.
But, it happened on Tuesday, finally!

And both babies are doing great!!! They were measuring about 1 day ahead of schedule (and can go +/- 1 week at any time.) Their heart rate was 178 (A) and 176 (B) beats per minute. They looked good, and my visit went ok.

Our Facebook Announcement

So, we blasted the news on Facebook, etc.  It was just too hard to keep secret. Weston has known for over a week. He took it really well, but is pretty much over it now. :)

So the babies are good. I, on the other hand, am not. I found out at my OB appt that 3 of the 4 regular medications that I am on, are not good for our babies. I immediately stopped one of the blood pressure pills and was scheduled for an emergency appt with the Endocrinology Center at Mercy on Wednesday morning. All of my diabetics medications have been stopped. I am now on Insulin Pens 4 times a day, but it will most definitely increase. That was the huge difference. Being told by my family doctor that my numbers are good, and then suddenly finding out that even my best number isn't good enough was just devastating. I want to do all I can to give these babies a healthy start. And feeling like I wasn't given the right information off the bat... it's so frustrating. But, while I have a long way to go, and I'm not close to where I need to be yet, I do feel like I am on my way. I really liked the Endocrinologist and the Diabetic Educator. And I think that's a great start!

So, we had an uneventful 4th of July. Scott had to work, so Shannon and I took Weston to the Altoona Aquatic Center. And she and I both got sunburned pretty badly. It's like the sunscreen doesn't even work anymore. Today I went to work while Scott stayed home with Weston. There's talk of a movie or maybe a trip to the playground at the mall. Whatever they do, it will be awesome. Tonight we're having dinner with friends and in the morning, Shannon and I are headed to the Des Moines Farmer's Market, finally! It's going to be a low-key, healing weekend. I need to get my kitchen in order. I need to the get the house in order, we have babies coming. :)

Longest Wait Ever

the wait until my next ultrasound is killing me. Literally. I can't take it. We have another 10 days. July 2nd. 2pm. can not come fast enough.

It's been exactly one week since we found out that our pregnancy was not only healthy and viable, but a double blessing of twins. And it feels so right. Like it was always like this. It's not as shocking to me as it is to everyone else. I don't know why.

Scott's still not into talking too much about Baby Names. I'm collecting a list... this is going to be tough. but so amazing!!!

It's the weekend. More specifically, it's Garage Sale weekend. I'm spending the night at my SeaStar's house in her amazing bed. Can't wait. But we have so much to do before 7am tomorrow morning. :)
The high for tomorrow is 95*, I really want to be done by noon.

Have a Happy Weekend!!!

So Blessed!!!

So our first ultrasound was today. And it was so stressful.  I was so worried. I practically made myself sick.
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound. 

I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.

She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!

Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.

Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)

We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)

Our new Babies. A & B. or Top and Bottom :)

a note from the Grouch...

"Why are you mad all tonight, Mommy?"

This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."

Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.

This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?

So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.

So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.

And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

It's never going away...

I have this amazing friend. She's strong and powerful and so very brave. She's loyal and loving and vulnerable too. She taught me to be ok with who I am (as much as I can ever be) and that it's ok to go to Wal-Mart without makeup or in your pajama pants. :)  I've never worn the jammie pants... but the makeup is optional. I've known her for 13 years now, and we've shared so many things. She's like a sister. And now, our married names are the same. That's the funny part!

Anyway, my friend is pregnant. This wasn't a planned pregnancy - she thought she was done having children and wasn't sure about the stability of her marriage - not to mention the three sons she already had. It was rough on her. And she felt so much guilt because of my struggles with infertility. She is amazingly fertile. (She's offered to surrogate for us over and over again.) So... this pregnancy has been a long road for her.

When I was confirmed pregnant in February, I called her to share the news. We were so happy! Our babies would only be 11 weeks apart. They would so close! We were so excited for the possibilities.

When we lost our baby, she was equally as devastated for us. I spent the night alone with her about 2 weeks after the loss. It was so nice to be able to be honest and open with someone. She didn't understand exactly what I was feeling, but she never limited my feelings or emotions.

Today, she had a 3D ultrasound. And they saw that her baby is a GIRL! And I am so excited and happy for her. Especially after 3 boys. I was overcome with happiness for a moment. We talked for a few minutes, and then I had to go. I was remembering...

I remembered how we were so happy that our babies would be close together, how if they were girls they'd be best friends. How we talked about taking pictures and just enjoying it all together.

And then it hit me.

We wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have that. My baby is gone. The plans were empty. Even if I got pregnant today, our babies would be so far apart. And I don't believe I'm going to get pregnant immediately, I'm a realist. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks... the emotional overload. It doesn't go away. It's not going away. I keep thinking that I am better, forcing myself to be ok - everyone else has moved on, why can't I? And at times like these, I just wish I could shut down and hide under the covers. But I can't. I'm at work. With a bunch of men who have no idea what's going on, or care to see that anything is going on. And two women who don't See either.

I feel invisible and suffocating from my overwhelming emotions and, what I am sure someone would tell me, grief. But no matter how logical I am or how many books I read on the topic... nothing seems to change. I feel fine and normal one minute... and then everything crashes the next. Shannon's right, I probably need therapy.

an open letter to JJ Abrams...

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I am a huge fan. From Felicity to Alias (OMG, Alias!!!) to LOST to Fringe and on to Star Trek, Super 8 and beyond, there is very little that you can do wrong when it comes to my personal entertainment over the last twenty years. (Yes, I enjoyed Forever Young and your early writings too.)
When I had heard that you were taking on the Star Trek franchise, I was beyond excited. When I saw the movie I was enraptured and completely blown away by your lighting and the visual effects.The story was fantastic - a reboot would have been too simple. An alternate timeline though? Brilliant! I loved the casting of hard working but not über-famous actors. We could grow with these characters.
You have made me love this storyline when I only had room in my American NerdGirl heart for Skywalkers and Solos.

That being said... This three year wait has been brutal. I understand that it takes time to make movies of this caliber, I really do. But the selfish movie-lover in me is impatient. I haven't even seen this new movie, and I am already hoping that you are hard at work on the next one.
Please be working on this next installment. Please get a head start. You know the world is on the edge of our seats for the next chapter. Please.

Benedict Cumberbatch, JJ Abrams, and Chris Pine
event for 'Star Trek: Into Darkness' 2013

Oh, and Mr. Abrams - I am expecting the same care and treatment for the Star Wars franchise as you've given Star Trek. I'm just saying....

Sincerely,
an Iowa NerdGirl

P.S. I forgot to mention my favorite of what feel are your signature traits, and it goes back to actors: I Love how you value the actors that you work with. I love how I continue to see them pop up through your various endeavors - Hello, Greg Grunberg in Felicity, Alias, and a single memorable episode of LOST. It says a lot about you and your work, and about the quality people that you work with. Thanks for this too!

Some More Musical Notes...

So, we've obviously had some personal obstacles lately, and I've had this half done... now is the time to finish this up. Because life moves one. Back to normal!!!
My list of Favorite Songs is still sitting on my desk. It's time to get to work on Part 2 - numbers 11-20.

11. Rhiannon/Landslide - Fleetwood Mac, both from the 1975 self-titled Album - I love both of these songs equally. Actually at any given moment, I always love one a tad bit more than the other, but they flip so often that they are listed together. Stevie Nicks wrote both songs, and has so much of herself poured into each one that they can only be described as my introduction into the beauty that is Stevie Nicks. I love her. I love the raspy sound of her voice, the tone, the depth. Heck, I heard her singing with Dave Grohl's Sound City Players and I was floored. It was Rock and Alternative and such a crazy blend of Nicks, Nirvana, and Foo Fighters, that while stumped I still just loved it. When a voice can transcend a genre... it's just amazing.
12. Lightning Crashes -Live, from the 1994 Throwing Copper - I first saw this video on MTV in what had to be 1995. The opening chords of this song just make the whole song. They make my chest tighten in anticipation of... I'm not sure what, but it just happens. I have always loved this song, and I bought the entire album just to get it, sometime in 1998. This was the beginning of my love for the Alternative Rock/Post grunge sound. I like to think the other songs on this album, much harder than this, are what lead me to Linkin Park, etc. Everything builds on something before it. As a mom, this song, and especially the video, took on a much deeper meaning. And during my pregnancies, this video is as emotional as a Hallmark commercial. ;)
13. Sugarhigh - Coyote Shivers, from the 1995 Empire Records soundtrack - this song was awesome in the movie sung by Renee Zellwegger and Coyote Shivers. It was great. And it's what led me to the entire soundtrack. Gin Blossoms, Cranberries, this soundtrack has some great bands with popular and songs I'd never heard before. I like the entire thing. And this movie is still one of my favorites! (I add in Renee's part while singing in the car, and my sister actually thinks I sound good. For once.)
14. Hypnotize - Notorious B.I.G., from the 1996 album Life After Death, I don't remember when I first heard this song. In the middle of Iowa, East Coast vs West Coast rap was something that was a big deal, but not a huge deal. The guys "fighting" it over were generic white middle class kids. My brother first brought Biggie into our house. And I liked hearing the beat and the smooth voice pounding out of Nathan's room. When I went to college in 1998, Hypnotize was a regular frat party anthem. My roommate Katie would do the Vivica Fox's stripper pole dance from the movie Independence Day to Hypnotize any time it came on. And then it was featured in the 1999 movie 10 Things I Hate about You. It exploded at the bar scene from there. It's a great song with a great beat. Every time I hear it, I see Katie's stripper dance, and I remember the laughter and happiness that surrounds this song. And the little twinge of sadness at Biggie's life cut short.
15. Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar, from the 1983 album Live From Earth, this song is the Battle cry for all hurt women every where. I loved this song (and most of Pat Benatar's singles) from the moment they hit the radio waves. and 30 years later, these songs are still played on the radio - they are timeless. I love how this song builds and builds to this explosion of Feminist Liberties. ;) And now... every time I hear this song, I no longer see Benatar and her 80s army of neon, scarved empowered women, I see Jennifer Garner and her army of newly initiated 13 yr olds from the movie 13 Going On 30! Great movie if you haven't seen it - even better soundtrack. This song has carried me for 30 years, and it will never grow old.
16. Someday - Mariah Carey, from the 1990 self titled album Mariah Carey, this song blew me away the first time I heard in Janet Berkey's bedroom on the radio while reading an issue of Seventeen magazine. See? I can remember every detail which shows how important this song is. I've heard that she doesn't even like this song because of the changes that Sony made to the original track, and that her husband, Nick Cannon, is begging for her to once again sing it live. Hmmm... I'm not sure I would go to a concert where she didn't sing this song. I was so amazed at her vocal range. People kept comparing her to Whitney Houston. And she is just as good, maybe better. This song began my life long love of Mariah Carey. For the most part, I have loved part of every album she's made (exception - Glitter and everything around that period.) She came back again with The Emancipation of Mimi and it was like she never left. But I'll be honest, this is the top song for me from one of the best Diva's of all time.
17. True Blue - Madonna, from the 1986 album of the same name, though this song came out after earlier hits Like A Virgin and Material Girl, songs that introduced me to Madonna, True Blue made me fall in love with her. This song was so peppy and young and melodious without being a true dance song. It felt most like a song you could sing along to. This was a great record too... but this song sealed the deal for my childhood love of Madonna. I still love everything she has made prior to her Ray of Light album. Disco, leotard sporting Madonna was just something that I couldn't get into. But when it comes to her classics, I'll always be a fan!
18. It Must have been Love - Roxette, from the 1990 soundtrack for the movie Pretty Woman, this song was originally released as Christmas single in Sweden in 1987, but it wasn't until seeing Pretty Woman, that I fell in love with this song. It's the end Love song. When Richard Gere's Edward goes to the slums of LA and sweeps Julia Roberts' prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold Vivian right off her fire escape. This song led to Roxette moving state side, and it led me to some other great music by this Swedish duo. But this song will always be my favorite. It's a great love song and just brings up so many happy feelings.
19. Sabotage - The Beastie Boys, from the 1994 album III Communication, I more than likely first heard the Beastie Boys on MTV, but it was my brother Nathan's love of them that brought them into our house. He played them loud and did it to annoy everyone. But the the funny thing was, I liked them. A lot. Maybe it was the percussionist in me. I remember seeing this video for the first time and just being so tickled by the humor of it, from the cheesy 70's costumes to the overplayed acting. It was great, but then the song was just outstanding. I delved deeper into the Beastie Boys since this song, and while I love so many other songs (the intro to Mullet Head on the Clueless movie soundtrack was by far, ah-mazing, let's be honest, that soundtrack rocked) - Sabotage will always be my fave. And I'm not sure if it's the vision that the video brings, or the beat, or the bonding to my brother... but this song is just a part of my music.
20. Killing Me Softly - the Fugees, from the 1995 album The Score, I first heard this song on MTV Jams in the early morning while getting ready for school. It was a soft beautiful song with just enough hip hop to make it hot. I had fallen in love with Lauryn Hill's voice in the 1993 movie Sister Act 2, and this introduced me to more of her music. I'll admit to enjoying this song above all other Fugees' music and Lauryn Hill's other music, but it led me down a road to experience more than just the usual Iowa White Girl 90s Pop music of my time. I bought The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill a few years later and though she's moved on to music outside of my realm, I still love going back to this song.

Next up in my world of music... the Honorable Mentions!

num num num

It's been suggested that I write a Food Blog on the recipes that I use for my family.

I'm mulling the idea over. It might be fun. It won't be consistent, but it might be fun. :)

Thinking about it....

understanding the unfairness of the blessings

It's been exactly one week since we received the most devastating news that we could have imagined as a couple. Or maybe in Scott's case, he never could imagine it. As he said:

• We've been struggling. We lost the house, my mom got sick, our fertility issues - trying for over a year, having surgery, following the schedule. When we got pregnant, we should have been great. I'm the healthiest I've been in years. This should have been it.

And it feels like he's right. In the Grand Scheme of Things, we deserved this baby. Our family deserved this baby. Our son deserves to be a big brother. This isn't the way our life was supposed to go. We try to be good people and do what we're supposed to do. We try and try and try. And it does feel like we just can't win sometimes. It feels mostly unfair as I am walking next to a pair of teenage sisters at Target, one about 16, the other a few years younger. And the 16 yr old is very pregnant. And she's complaining about everything. And her younger sister is talking to her about how to get child support from the father. Blah, blah, blah. It took everything in me to pull the cart over and to let them walk away. They were in their own little crisis at the moment, and while it compared nothing to mine, it was everything to them. But that didn't mean that I had to hear about it. Or tell them to shut the "F" up because my baby had died, and she was just a stupid kid. (Do you see now why I stopped? It's safer for everyone.)

But this is the way that life is. It's unpredictable and unfair. It's messy and complicated and exhilarating and excruciating. It's magical and terrifying all at once. Life is complicated. Life doesn't follow any plans.

But Life can be so beautiful. Even a tiny little life that physically didn't amount to more than a cluster of human cells and tissue. That little life gave us all something so important. That little spark gave it's parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends a glimmer at a different future. It brought hope and we grew to love this tiny life that only existed to a handful of people. But see? That's the point. This tiny little life existed. It grew from a single cellular experience into something magnificent.

I had doubts from the moment I found out I was pregnant. It was too fabulous to believe. And when the tests came back with such faint pink lines, I thought, "See. I'm not really pregnant. I don't get to have this." They kept telling me, any line is a positive line. I spent weeks, three to be exact, waiting for my period every time I went to the bathroom. I was so used to being disappointed month after month, that it never seemed real enough. I didn't feel "pregnant." I felt exhausted and nauseous. The last two weeks of this pregnancy, my symptoms were a lot worse - much more tired, potty breaks all the time, more food aversions, body changes - I thought that I needed to listen to my body more - I was pregnant. Everyone said I was, even  my dreams. I was dreaming of twins all the time. So, I pondered baby names, we went shopping, I was telling more people. But I still had doubts. I kept telling myself that once we had the ultrasound, everything would be great. The biggest surprise would be twins. Everything will be great, and I will finally feel 100% ok.

As we sat in the waiting room for the ultrasound, 1 week ago today, Scott was reading the paper, nervous but excited looking. Everyone was so excited when we checked in, the receptionists, the tech. We waited for about 20 minutes and I was so nervous. We went back with the tech, the lights were low, and she tried too find anything with the regular ultrasound. I thought this was strange since I was only 8 weeks and a few days, and oh yeah, I'm not thin. After finally progressing to the internal ultrasound, she kept focusing on not-baby things like my ovaries, and other things. And then she just said that the sac is empty. And it happens a lot. and blah blah blah. I kept thinking, is she allowed to be telling me this? Shouldn't a doctor be in here? But she just kept talking all hyper and positive, like she had a Red Bull over lunch with her ice cream cone. Scott had no idea what she was talking about, because she didn't talk to him. I had to tell my husband that there wasn't a baby. And through the doctor consult and the family weekend, I kept saying, "There isn't a baby. It didn't grow. There was never a baby."

But I was wrong.

There was a baby. And it grew. It grew from one single cell, from 2 loving parents who wanted it so badly. Our tiny Spark grew as long as it could - 5 weeks and 3 days. That was as long as our Spark could make it. It's not enough. It will never be enough. But it's still something. And something is more than nothing. Our Spark was something to everyone who knew about it. And we won't forget.

Life... lives, pure and simple. Life is to be experienced. Life in any form is a blessing. Our tiny little Spark of life was a blessing. A Blessing of hope and the love between Scott and I; a blessing of the love of a family.

I was given a handwritten note from one of our workplace chaplains. (Yes, 2 chaplains visit my office each week, offering their guidance or just some chatting.) Anyway, it said that I would one day hold my baby in my arms in Heaven. At that moment, that seemed like a ridiculous thing to say. How could I hold something that was tinier than anything in my arms? Would I know if it were a son or a daughter? Would it be neither? I was a little freaked out. But then I could see myself... and I was holding our Spark. Like a little orb of light that emitted warmth. Just this little Spark of life the could fit into the palm of my hand. I like the thought of that. Of being able to hold our Spark, and being warmed once again by the warmth of its light.

our fruit continues to blossom...

This is what I got in my weekly email this morning. I'm kind of in love with these little phrases! Highlights from this week's progress report:

• By the middle of this week, Baby has 10 toes and 10 fingers (though there's still webbing between them). A small neck has appeared and a distinct profile is already emerging on Baby's tiny face. But here's the most exciting part: Your tadpole/chickpea/raspberry is no longer considered an embryo but--a bona fide fetus with moving arms and legs!

Guess I won't be able to call him or her the Great Embryolio any longer. I need a new name... or I can just go with the berry or fruit of the week!

So... I am surrounded by new babies and expectant parents. Two just announced this week. One is already 5+ months along (no idea how she kept that secret), she announced with a picture of a snowman family made by child #2 including a pregnant snowmom, and the other announced with a bath picture of child #1 on Instagram. I dying to tell people, to make it feel more real. But I know that we have to keep it in until the Ultrasound at the very least. Oh, and one of my sorority sisters announced her engagement last night. It's so exciting. The last of "our group" to take the plunge! Except her potential wedding date is the week of this baby's estimated due date. So we can't go. :(    And that about kills me. (It's in Texas... too far to travel before baby or just after.)

So... yeah. Dying to tell and can't. Always hungry but watching my carbs, etc. :) The next 10 days until this Ultrasound can't come fast enough!

Oh! I had my regular diabetic check up and blood work this week. It's great! The best A1C level in years! So, no insulin shots for the time being!!! I know they are coming, but the longer I can put it off, the better. :)

Ok, back to waiting!!! I'm working on the 2nd Favorite Songs list... it's just taking time. ;)

Blueberry, Anyone?

I keep getting all of these emails telling me at what point of development our baby is at. Most are confusing. Most everything is confusing, and here's why:

I really haven't seen a doctor yet. I mean, I went into my Dr.'s Office, peed in a cup and then was told that I wasn't pregnant, oh wait! I am pregnant. We figured out a date based on my last period and they thought I was 4 weeks along. Dilemma 1. Do you go by the last period or the dates of conception? Dilemma 2. If I'm now 6 weeks pregnant, are we looking at week 7 for the development stuff? Half the sites and apps I use are conflicting.

So, Shannon has a school nurse friend at one of her schools where she is a therapist. And this nurse had the trusty Baby Predictor Dial. (My first family doctor had one, and that's how they estimated Weston's due date in the office. It was about a week off from the ultrasound.) So, based on the average date between the possible conception dates, we have a new due date of October 15th. Dilemma 1solved until March 8th. Onto Dilemma 2 - the app on my phone keeps showing a week ahead of how far along I am. For instance, today, I am 6 weeks, 3 days, so the app keeps showing things for Week 7 - which I guess is the week I am in. A few sites are sending me Week 6 stuff. And I am confused. But I think I am going to go by the app on my phone until I know more.


That being said, today I got an email. "Welcome to Week 7" from Babyzone.com. It explained how our Great Embryolio #2 is evolving from "a tadpole, but by the end of the week it will have transformed into a tiny being that's distinctly humanoid. Its body is continuing to lengthen, the arms begin to bend at the elbows and curve around the heart, which is beating even more rhythmically now. By the end of this week the embryo's whole skeleton--made of bendable cartilage, like a shark--will be fully formed. (It will be replaced by bone soon enough.) The baby has a digestive system now, as well as kidneys, liver, heart, spleen, and even an appendix." Outstanding!

Our little Blueberry Jones

The best part? This week your baby is the size of a Blueberry. Ha! A blueberry! I love it when it's kind of a cute little comparison - anything is better than a Tadpole. :) 

Enjoy your Weekend!!! It's my SeaStar Shannon's 29th Birthday tomorrow and we have plans all day long! Some play time with the kids, a little shopping, manicure for me, pedicures for the girls (I hurt my toe and can't have a pedicure - boo!), then dinner at Ohana with the Girls and out for drinks after! So excited for some girl time!

news...

Have you ever used Postagram? It's an App for my iPhone, maybe other smart phones, that takes a picture from your phone (usually the edited Instagram ones) and allows you to mail the photo as part of a post card. The little square photo pops right out for display. I used it for the first time to send a postcard to my grandparents in Texas with a photo of the great-grandkids in their Halloween costumes.

I like Postagram. Postcards are about $0.99 with postage, that's pretty inexpensive. In fact, I just sent 8 Postagrams yesterday to my and Scott's immediate family. Here's the picture:

get it?
(And don't my feet just look fabulous?!?)

Scott thinks it might be too subtle for some of his family, so I included the following message:

"We're keeping the secret a little longer but couldn't wait to tell you that Baby Jones is expected this Fall! - Anxiously awaiting our little bundle, Scott, Erin & Weston"

So yes... that's our news!!! It's still very, very early, so Weston doesn't really know and we haven't put anything up on Facebook. but the most important people will know in the next few weeks. We have an ultrasound on March 8th to make sure that everything is ok. And maybe after that I'll feel more comfortable sharing the news. I share here because I'm not sure very many people read this blog anymore. Shannon and the nurse both have said that I have no problem being pregnant, I just have a hard time getting pregnant. So I shouldn't worry so much. But I am. This just seems impossible sometimes. I still trying to get my head around it.

As for how I'm feeling, well, some days it's like nothing has changed. Other days, I feel achy and nauseous. mostly though, I am just plain exhausted. Just like my last pregnancy. I can fall asleep at any moment. Also - this baby has already decided that it doesn't like coffee. I had 3 different kinds last week (from 3 different places) and every time it tasted "off" - kind of like the wine tasting tinny at Thanksgiving 2007 (before I even knew I was pregnant with Weston.) The only thing I craved the last time was Coffee, and I've been drinking it ever since. But now... I'm drinking water and Kool-Aid. Even Caffeine-free pop doesn't make me as happy as the Kool-Aid. Can't complain about wanting water based drinks. My blood sugars are high, so I am watching my food to make sure I can control them, but I see insulin shots in my future.

Other than all of that, we are very happy. Very, very happy. :)

Wondering if this baby should also be called The Great Embryolio???

a few Notes...

So, I bought a used iPod Classic (5th generation) with some of my birthday money. I was using Spotify on my iPhone, but I'm not a huge fan. And I hate the fact that I end up using my whole battery of my phone playing music at work, and having no room for apps because I have so much music. So... in my brain it made more sense to have an all-music device. Which after loading music, and realizing what I was missing in terms of songs, it got me to thinking about my favorite songs. I'm musical in the sense that I love music. I have little to no education in music, other than being in band for a number of years, and lets be honest, I didn't learn much about music education - I can't read music, or notes, but I am/was a Percussionist, so I do know rhythm to a certain degree. I appreciate how music makes me feel, the memories these songs invoke. And so I've put together my Ultimate Top 20 list, along with a group of honorable mentions - and how/why I chose each one.

Here We Go:
*As I've started to write this, I've come to realize that this is going to be Long... so I'm splitting it into 3 posts.*

1. Every Breath You Take, The Police, 1983 album Synchronicity - I have long claimed this song as my #1 of all time. And while I am not sure that is technically the case, I do love this song. I love how my heart races just a little when the intro chords start up. This song played all the time on the radio as I was growing up - so much so that I new the words to the song before I understood the meaning (!). This song also cemented my love of Sting, the Police, and the New Wave sound of the 1980s.
2. Broken Wings, Mister Mister, 1985 album Welcome to the Real World - This song inspired the first CD that I ever purchased with my own money. It was a Billboard Radio Hits 1985-1989, and this was the song that caught my attention. I love this song... I love how it seems to make me happy for no good reason. I love that it introduced me to all the other songs on th CD... some that I had never heard of.
3. Alone, Heart, 1987 album Bad Animals - I absolutely love this song... as in I sing it at the top of my lungs whenever i get the chance. And I judge every American Idol contestant as "not-quite-good-enough" to sing it, though they always do. Because it's a classic song showcasing great vocals. Though All I Want to do is Make Love to You was the first song that I learned all the words to, this is the one that sealed the deal and opened me up to all of it, I bought their 1997 album These Dreams: Heart's Greatest Hits and have never looked back - except to download Crazy on You and Barracuda since they were somehow missing. ;)
4. Lovesong, The Cure, 1989 album Disintegration - I'm not sure what to say about this song... except that I am in love with this song. Just hearing it seems to make me have this little sparkle inside. It's dramatic and moody and has this wonderful background melody that's almost happy - all the while with this intense British guy laying out his heart for the girl he loves - and I have a feeling that she doesn't share his feelings. Pity.
5. Don't Dream It's Over (Hey Now), Crowded House, 1986 album Crowded House - one of the most recognizable opening melodies for me, with such as easy melting set of lyrics laid on top. My first memories of this song are it quietly playing out of speakers mounted high on poles at the boardwalk outside of Pensacola, FL. We used to drive to this stretch of beach that felt like forever away and we'd pass sand dunes covered in Cat Tails... and I'd always hear this song. It always transported me back to a warm breezy, salty day of childhood.
   Years later, it has become Scott and my "song" of sorts. Though we danced to another classic (When I Fall in Love by Josh Grobin and Celine Dion), this one seems to fit us much better. When Scott and I were first living together in Sioux City, sharing a small twin bed in his apartment, we'd constantly be bumping into each other, etc. And Scott would always say, "Hey Now"... and no matter how awake (or not) that I was, I'd always finish with "Hey Now, Don't Dream it's Over." And we'd giggle or something. It became a running commentary for us - I even had it requested to play on the radio for Scott's birthday a couple of times.
6. Linger, The Cranberries, 1993  album Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We? - While everyone (including me) loves the song Dreams most notably from the You've Got Mail soundtrack, this is the Cranberries song that really did it for me. The beauty of Dolores O'Riordan's lead vocals just made me want more. This song still feels like I have Angela's plaid shirt wrapped tight all around me, trying to hold all my angsty feelings into their right spot. (On the inside of course.) I just love the lyrics and tone and rhythm to this song. It lead me to the whole CD and so much more.
7. Ordinary World, Duran Duran, 1993 album Duran Duran (The Wedding Album) - This song is so fantastic, and I can't even pinpoint why. This whole album had some really special moments, but Ordinary World just shines! The first few notes play, and they bring to mind some of the best lines ever, "I won't cry for yesterday. There's an Ordinary World somehow I have to find." "Passion or Coincidence, there's something to dismay." The harmony is wonderful, but the lyrics are just outstanding.
8.  Uninvited, Alanis Morissette, 1998 from the City of Angels Soundtrack - This was the first single released by Alanis Morissette since Jagged Little Pill in 1993- and Jagged Little Pill was the first CD I ever owned - a birthday gift from a friend. I fell in Love with Alanis with that CD. I listened to it so much, that I wore it out. Not kidding. Anyway... I remember when I first heard Uninvited - it had this beautiful orchestra and it was so BIG and it filled up so many little places in my body - it still feels that way, even after 15 years. This song resonates musically with me much the same way that Guns-N-Roses' November Rain did - and it's all about the Orchestra - the music was magical behind the lyrics.
9. Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper, 1984 album She's So Unusual - I've loved Cyndi Lauper since I was old enough to watch MTV when my mom wasn't looking. She was so... 80s! And after her faster music - the softness of this song just broke through into me. Almost 30 years later, I still love this song. The funny thing, I don't think my friends ever appreciated this song... not until the movie Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion. After Romy and Michelle learn to appreciate themselves for exactly how they are, and not what their former classmates expect them to be, they return to their Tuscon reunion in their original personally designed outfits and perform a "dance" with the uber-geek who loves Michelle. That scene was a hit with all of my friends. In fact, we reenacted it at my wedding and at my friend Jess' wedding. It was AWESOME.
10. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, Bryan Adams, 1991 from the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves soundtrack -This song still gives my heart palpitations. It has such a power ballad feel to it, yet again with a beautiful full-orchestra sound. Dustin Burggraaf used to play it on the piano for me, starting in the 7th grade and going through high school. I'm not going to lie, that alone may have influenced my love of this song. There's something about a good looking guy playing the piano so passionately that just makes my knees go weak. Every time I hear the melody for this song, I still think back to a boy on the Piano. It was breathtaking.

Stay Tuned for the second half of this list!