Blubbering Mess...

As I am watching Weston at his next round of Swim Lessons (Intermediate 1), I am trying to hold the tears back. And it's mostly not working.

When I pledged Chi Omega in the Fall of 1998, I instantly made a connection with Janelle. She was so nice and accepting, taking me under her wing. Showing me the ropes... Helping me to quick cash my first paycheck after the bank was closed on a Friday afternoon. Heck - she even helped me buy my first bottle of alcohol to take to a Date Party (since the fraternity boys would only have cheap beer.)

Secretly I had wanted Janelle to be my Big Sister - the XO version of a Pledge Mom. But she explained to me that she wanted me to have a sister who would be around more - you see Janelle was a senior when I was a freshmen... And she wasn't from Iowa, so she would leave after my first year. So I got another Big Sister (who was fantastic) and Janelle watched out for me that first year. When I had trouble making grades (college studying is so different than high school studying) she had me come to house to study there. When April and I were initiated together, and I think we spent 4 hours in Janelle's room - she had set out snacks, and movies and notes. She was incredibly thoughtful that year.

A few years ago, we reconnected. Found each other on Facebook as so many do. She had a Blog, I had a Blog. We followed each other and have insight into each others lives. We talked about our struggles and kids. When Mom got sick, she was so supportive.

And then on July  18th, came the news that she'd had a biopsy - and everything came back clear and great, and after Mom, this was a huge relief! But by the end of July - less than 3 weeks later, News had come back that Janelle has Stage 4 Acute Adrenal Cancer. I immediately hit Google. It hits mainly people age 30-40. It hardly found in the early stages unless it manifests as a whole tumor. Janelle's never grew as a single tumor - it spread everywhere - the same way that the hormones that the Adrenal gland produces do - her lungs, her brain... It kept going. She immediately started Chemo. She had a small break and then jumped right into radiation treatments. She completed those less than 2 weeks ago. And things seemed to be going better. She was enjoying food again. She was going out with family. It was such a relief. 

Today... Today we got the news that Janelle had been moved to a care center, and would probably being going home today with Hospice Care. According to the news, the chemo and radiation did nothing to slow the tumor growth, and in fact the tumors had all grown more than 50%, filling her lungs and one is set to sever her spinal cord. How is this possible? She is 35 years old, happily married, and has a beautiful 8 yr old daughter. 

I've been crying since 5:30. Weston was convinced that I was crying from happiness at being able to take him to swim lessons. I let him run with that. In no way could I explain that my friend is dying. Because my friends shouldn't be dying. 

Our friend Brandy is getting married in October. We will be serenading her with the traditional XO song, Shades. Janelle has such as an amazing voice, and used to carry our whole house with this closing hymn. Every time I hear this song, I hear her carrying the melody. Making it a better song, and we'll never be together to sing that again.

I am heart-broken that this is happening to my friend and her family. I am so angry and sad (and probably hormonal). I hate cancer even more than I used to. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again): Cancer is a Bitch.

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

It's never going away...

I have this amazing friend. She's strong and powerful and so very brave. She's loyal and loving and vulnerable too. She taught me to be ok with who I am (as much as I can ever be) and that it's ok to go to Wal-Mart without makeup or in your pajama pants. :)  I've never worn the jammie pants... but the makeup is optional. I've known her for 13 years now, and we've shared so many things. She's like a sister. And now, our married names are the same. That's the funny part!

Anyway, my friend is pregnant. This wasn't a planned pregnancy - she thought she was done having children and wasn't sure about the stability of her marriage - not to mention the three sons she already had. It was rough on her. And she felt so much guilt because of my struggles with infertility. She is amazingly fertile. (She's offered to surrogate for us over and over again.) So... this pregnancy has been a long road for her.

When I was confirmed pregnant in February, I called her to share the news. We were so happy! Our babies would only be 11 weeks apart. They would so close! We were so excited for the possibilities.

When we lost our baby, she was equally as devastated for us. I spent the night alone with her about 2 weeks after the loss. It was so nice to be able to be honest and open with someone. She didn't understand exactly what I was feeling, but she never limited my feelings or emotions.

Today, she had a 3D ultrasound. And they saw that her baby is a GIRL! And I am so excited and happy for her. Especially after 3 boys. I was overcome with happiness for a moment. We talked for a few minutes, and then I had to go. I was remembering...

I remembered how we were so happy that our babies would be close together, how if they were girls they'd be best friends. How we talked about taking pictures and just enjoying it all together.

And then it hit me.

We wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have that. My baby is gone. The plans were empty. Even if I got pregnant today, our babies would be so far apart. And I don't believe I'm going to get pregnant immediately, I'm a realist. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks... the emotional overload. It doesn't go away. It's not going away. I keep thinking that I am better, forcing myself to be ok - everyone else has moved on, why can't I? And at times like these, I just wish I could shut down and hide under the covers. But I can't. I'm at work. With a bunch of men who have no idea what's going on, or care to see that anything is going on. And two women who don't See either.

I feel invisible and suffocating from my overwhelming emotions and, what I am sure someone would tell me, grief. But no matter how logical I am or how many books I read on the topic... nothing seems to change. I feel fine and normal one minute... and then everything crashes the next. Shannon's right, I probably need therapy.

num num num

It's been suggested that I write a Food Blog on the recipes that I use for my family.

I'm mulling the idea over. It might be fun. It won't be consistent, but it might be fun. :)

Thinking about it....

Legacy...

My local BFF April is having a baby - hopefully today.

April and I met for the first time when we were inducted into Chi Omega together. She had been away at Army boot camp during my first semester, so we did not know each other well - actually, we didn't like each other at all. :)  Initiation was performed in pairs, alphabetically, and April and I were paired up together. After our 15-30 minute initiation ceremony, we were sequestered into a member's room to wait and ponder our existence in silence... for 3 hours! (Such a long time because we were the beginning of the alphabet.) Three hours with someone will definitely open up a line of communication - even when restricted - not much, but some. ;)

Drake Relays All Greek Reunion 4/28/12

We became closer in the beginning of 2000 when we were chosen to be Rho Chi(s) - aka Rush Councilors for the Fall 2000 Greek Rush. It was our job to act as representatives of the entire Greek System and aid the potential initiates through the individual sorority houses as they found the house that was a perfect fit for each of them. We would essentially be cut off from our house for about 3 weeks, acting not as Chi Omegas, but as Greeks with 2 women from each house on campus. It was incredibly exciting for us. April and I weren't the typical sorority girl - we weren't stick thin, we weren't rich, and our house wasn't a part of the mold. We were so excited to be able to show the incoming Freshmen that you could be an individual while still being Greek.

But it wasn't meant to be. Our Chi Omega house, the Rho Beta chapter, closed it's doors the summer of 2000. The National board decided that we were not financially fit to stay open. It was heart breaking for all of us. My closest friends especially - we were the officers and Rho Chi(s)... I was also the Secretary (technically #2 in the hierarchy), my close friends were the President, VP, Education chair, and April was the other Rho Chi. We had plans, and it devastated us to close. We all moved away from each other, mostly in pairs (which is kind of funny) but we stayed together. In the Fall of 2000 as the other houses were getting ready for Rush, we were all in a state of depression. But my roommate Katie and I found a wonderful surprise in our horrible Religion class - April was in it with us!! And it was during this time that April and I really became good friends.

April has been one of my best friends since that stupid Religion class, thirteen years now. She was with me when I thought I was in love with someone in my early 20s. She was with me when I fell in love with Scott long distance. And she was my only Des Moines friend to visit me in Sioux City when I moved to Scott. She was one of the first people I called when we were moving back to Des Moines. Once back here, we've had monthly (or more) dinners for 8 years! I was with April through her various relationships - but when she met Glen, it was like something magical clicked. He didn't seem like her type, but his love for her, and her love for him, knew no bounds. And they both love my child. April is one of Weston's favorite people. Their wedding was beautiful and so much fun! (And so hot in June!)

Last spring, April and Glen found out that they probably wouldn't be able to conceive naturally due to some medical issues. And having been there, it was tough. But they thought that it was ok... they had some ducks to get in a row before they'd worry too much about it, and besides, they've only been married for two years. But I guess waiting wasn't in the cards. April announced her surprise pregnancy in June, and I bawled like a big baby, for about 10 minutes straight! In a restaurant full of strangers. With people looking at me. With mom's cancer return, and our TTC and just everything else... I was so happy for them and for this baby that I couldn't hold back my emotions. This baby defied the odds in its conception, and he or she is a miracle. (And if Baby Brown is a girl, then she is a Chi Omega Legacy!)

XO bib available at Chi O Creations

So, fast forward through what seemed like the fastest pregnancy and the longest last month of waiting to yesterday. At 7:30pm, April was admitted for an induction. And since she has progressed nicely thus far, we are expecting Baby Brown to arrive today! And I am so excited!!!! I can't wait to see one of my best friends hold her miracle baby in her arms! I can't wait to hold that baby myself. Hell, I can't wait to hear the name! They've been tight-lipped about everything - gender and name, so it will be a huge surprise!

I'll update as soon as I know and have pictures!

* It's a Girl!!!

Jocelyn Addison Brown

8lbs 7oz ~ 21.25” long

January 22, 2013 ~ 2:46am

 I will be visiting this afternoon! It was a difficult 33 hours for the the parents, but everyone is working towards getting healthy!!!

13 in '13

Inspired by Courtney Kendrick at cjanekendrick.com, I've decided to make a list of the Thirteen things that I want to do in 2013. So, CJane is doing 36 things in her 36th year - I am not that ambitious. Either that or I am a realist. And my sister was unimpressed with my list. She said that too many of these things were out of my control. And maybe she is right... but that doesn't mean that I can't focus some positive thoughts in their direction and see if we can make them happen! So, let's get to the list.

13 Things I want to do in 2013:

1. Have a Baby - It's no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that we are trying to expand our family. We've been trying for a year now. But 2013 is going to be our year, either by normal methods or my medically assisted methods. And even though we may not succeed, hopefully we create life.
2. Wills - It's past time that Scott and I wrote our Wills. We need to put in writing our plans for Weston's future if anything should happen to us. We know who he should live with (Shannon), but we need to be able to guarantee that she has everything she needs to take care of him.
3. Walk Weston into his first day of Kindergarten, in Altoona - I sent in the Transfer request to have Weston moved from the Des Moines school district to the SE Polk (Altoona) district. We won't find out until April if we've been approved or denied. And they don't ask for any reason... but I included our reasons (daycare, hoping to move to Altoona, etc.) I just hope that it works. It makes me so nervous. I need him to be able to ride the bus to and from daycare.
4. Move - we need to move. We need more space, a bigger house, something with a yard. Something we can grow in. We pay almost $900 a month for rent. I think we need to be getting more for our money. And Weston wants some grass.
5. My 15-yr High School Reunion - Yes, in May, it will have been 15 years since I graduated high school. Either I am going to be helping to plan (again) or I think we should just do something with the important with my close friends. Something to mark the time. I have been friends with Beth and Anousha for 21 years now... and Sue for 18 years. It's crazy and insane to think of how long that is. But I think something needs to be done to celebrate that. Even if we all just end up in Delaware at Beth's house. Or back in Cedar Rapids at Mom's or Beth's Parents. Anything to get together.
        A. Scott's 25th High School Reunion - We will be going to this. We have to.
6. Texas Trip - My parents want us all to go to Texas this year. My grandparents have never met Weston or my nieces. And they can't travel this long of a distance. Our goal was to go while on maternity leave... but that isn't working out according to plan, but we'll try and make it work. I miss Texas, it's my second favorite state.
7. Weekend Trips - I want to take more weekend trips! We want to take Weston to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. I want to go to the IKEA store and the Mall of America in Minneapolis, and we both want to go to Cubs game and the Lincoln Park Zoo (and the Aquarium, and Field Museum, and, and, and...) in Chicago.
8. Complete my 2013 Reading Challenge on Goodreads. - I did this Challenge last year, reading 37 books, beating my goal of 35. I love reading. It relaxes and entertains me in ways that nothing else can. I also think it helps my child to see his parents reading, and enjoying it. This year, I've challenged myself to 40 books, and I've already finished 5.
9. Zoo Membership - We're not getting Adventureland passes this year, it's $110 each... too much money when we go out of town a lot. Instead, I want to spend $100 and get a Zoo membership for our family. It's good for the whole calendar year, so we can do all sorts of stuff, and bring friends, all year round. I want to buy it in March or April with hopefully some good tax returns.
10. Write at least 1 Blog Post per month - I was an epic failure at blogging the last 2 years. And most of friends don't seem to do it at all anymore. I want to keep doing it. I think it's therapeutic. So I'm going to try.
11. Photo Projects - I got a new Canon DSLR camera last fall, part family investment, part Christmas and birthday gift for me. I love it. the pictures are beautiful. But I need to learn how to use the manual settings. The whole point of the camera. I checked, and the local community college doesn't have a Saturday photography class. I was thinking about joining a photography club, but they meet on Tuesday nights. I can't do that. So... I am going to assign myself projects! I want to take a minimum of 15 new photos a month. that's my goal.
12. Valentines by Weston - I want to help Weston write out all of his Valentines, all by himself. He's doing really well, but I think we need to work on writing on the line, etc.
13. Most Important of all: Weston Sleep Trained! - In his own bed on a good schedule, at least 9pm. I'm trying and failing, but it's a goal.

So... that's what I want to do this year, among other things. :) Let's see how this goes!

Sister, Sister

Shannon in the door to the Scottish Rites Temple,
TANGO August 2010

And I am not talking about the show with Tia and Tamera Mowry from the 90s. I'm talking about my SeaStar, my other half, my true bff, my ovary-twin. My third Greatest Love, my sister Shannon.

Baby Shannon's 1st Birthday, 1985
Nathan, 2 yrs, Shannon, 1 yr, Erin, 5 yrs

The earliest memory I have of my sister Shannon is March or April of 1984, Corpus Christi, Texas. She was less than 8 weeks old. I was 4 years old. Nathan was 15 months old. My Grandma, Aunt and Uncle had come done to visit the new baby. And they were taking me back to Iowa with them. I was convinced that my parents didn’t want me anymore, that I was too old. So they were giving me away. I remember little Nathan and Baby Shannon sitting on the couch, or laying on it. I remember whispering to them that I loved them, and that I was sorry that I had to go. That it wasn’t my choice. I begged them not to forget me (how could they even remember me at that age?) And I kissed them goodbye. I never once asked my parents what was going on. They would have told me that I’d see them soon. Anyway, away we went. And I am convinced that I made myself sick because sometime around Oklahoma I got a fever and a sore throat. By the time we reached Iowa, I was so sick they had to admit me to the hospital for 5 days. I had a Peritonsular Abscess. My tonsils were swollen to the point of touching. They were not removed, just IV antibiotics and fluids. So… that memory is a little traumatizing. My parents came to Iowa with the little kids in May. I was fine by then, and when they left, I went home with them to Texas.

Mayport Beach, FL, Navy housing 1986
Shannon -2, Erin - 6, Nathan -3

Shannon was the best baby doll on the planet. My friend Laura and I used to dress her up and play with her. She used to do anything we asked, which was a great game at 6 years old. She was my shadow, and by the time she was six herself, she was my best playmate.

Around middle school, I was tired of my shadow - In public anyway. When you’re 13, the last thing you want is your 9 yr old sister hanging around. I don’t remember much about that time, but knowing me, I’m petty sure I hurt her feelings. A lot.

I remember the day Shannon became my friend. And to be honest, it was by force and guilt. Picture this: July 4^th, 1996, it’s dark and warm, and we’re getting ready for the fireworks. My girlfriends and I were finally 16 years old, and we planned to watch the fireworks down on the river (the river is the Mississippi River for those of you asking.) Shannon was 12 years old and wanted to tag along. I put my foot down and said No. And then Shannon cried. She cried to our mom and Aunt Linda who both cornered me, and got mad at me. They talked to my friends who all said it was ok that Shannon could come (mainly because they just wanted to leave, and because she wasn’t their sister, so they loved her.) So, Shannon came along. And I sulked. I wouldn’t talk to her, and she didn’t seem to notice. Because she was having a great time! She was being funny and friendly while I was sitting there by myself. I let my feelings of anger ruin what was a great night for everyone else around me.

Chin Chin - New York New York, Las Vegas, March 2011

After that, Shannon fit seamlessly into my group of friends. When she had time, she hung out with us, and it was never uncomfortable. My bff Anousha’s sister Erika is a year younger than Shannon and they became good friends, making it easier to hang out. And we had a pretty good time, especially my last year in high school.

When I went to college, I missed my family terribly. I was so homesick that I didn’t think I would make it. And Shannon was on of the reasons why. I missed her. More than I ever thought possible. I called home a lot. My sorority helped me to stay in school (read previous post.) But Shannon spent her Spring Break in the dorms with me. In fact, she spent almost part of every Spring Break with me during her years in High School.

Shannon's love - Jerry Orbach; 
Carnegie Deli @ the Mirage, Las Vegas 2011

Shannon started her college career at Drake in 2002. We overlapped for one semester and actually arranged to share one class. History. And it was fun. Though Shannon wouldn’t agree with me on that one. I moved to Sioux City April 2, 2003. To be with Scott, and I thought it would be ok because Shannon was transferring to the University of Iowa in Iowa City. Those 18 months were some of the longest in my life. I had to have surgery in April 2004. Shannon came to be with me. She was just 20 years old. And she took care of me.

Shannon was my Maid of Honor at our wedding October 30, 2004. I couldn’t imagine anyone else standing right beside me. Scott knew that by marrying me, he was also getting a sister. He just never knew how much. Shannon’s engagement was broken in the spring of 2005. Having her hurt so badly was one the lowest points of my life. Not knowing how to fix it, how to make her feel better, it was almost more than I could handle. But Shannon handled it. And if she could be so graceful and classy, the least I could do was stand by her side and hold her hand. Shannon moved to Des Moines after she graduated college. And I’ve rarely been happier. For the last six years, Shannon and I have spent Tuesdays and Thursdays together when possible. As well as some weekends. Scott essentially has two wives, and most of the time he is ok with that.

Auntie Shannon with newborn Weston, 8/1/08

Shannon has been with me through all the important points of my life. Getting married, infertility, pregnancy – I found out I was pregnant in Shannon’s bathroom! She was with us when we found out Weston was a boy and not the girl I thought he was. She is probably the only person who knows every emotion I am feeling and every thought going through my head without thinking. I trust my life with her, but more importantly, I trust my child with her. She is his Godmother after all.

Today is Shannon’s 28^th birthday. I can’t think of a better day to pay tribute to one of the Greatest Loves of my life. We joke that we are Ovary Twins, separated as eggs by 4 years and Nathan, while waiting to be conceived. If you ask her, we look very little alike. If you ask anyone else, we’re almost the same, though a lot of that is mannerisms and speech. Shannon is one of the strongest, kindest, and most intuitive people I have ever met. I don’t think I could survive in a world where Shannon isn’t in it. She’s my best friend; My other half. And even if I don’t say it, I am thankful every single day to be in a world with my SeaStar!

one of my favorite pictures...
Shannon & I at the Broadway Production of the Lion King
Mandalay Bay Resort, Las Vegas, March 2011

"Oh No You Dih-ent, Girlfriend!"

The second great love of my life is actually a group, and that group can be divided into 3 parts. Let’s get started:

Some girls play better with boys; some pair up with one girl in particular, some belong to a pack of girls. -heck, some kids have so many siblings and close cousins that they don’t even need to look out of their family to find a playmate. I’m not that girl. I’m a Girls Girl. Ok, I take that back, I’m a Girls Girl with the token boy. I’ve always been friends with the girls, and then usually had one boy that I was close too. I can even list the boys:

Mayport Elementary: Jeffery from the Bronx by way of the US Navy

Navy Point Elementary: Chris (kind of a whiny, sickly Momma’s boy)

Horace Mann Elementary: Chris Dinning

Lyons Middle School: Chris Dinning/Andy Grotelueschen

Clinton High School: Andy Grotelueschen & Chris Swales

(Anyone notice the abundance of Christophers in my world? Even my Dad is a “Chris.”)

Drake University: Kevin McLane until Sophomore/Junior year

Age 20-23: Matt Kiel

Age 23-29: Jason Taylor

And since Jason and I parted ways… Scott has more than picked up the slack.

You would think this constant testosterone presence in my world would help in my relations with the opposite sex, but as you read about Pete Walker, it obviously didn’t.

Part 1.

The most important part of a girl’s childhood is her friends. Whether it’s one or ten, a child needs a friend. And I have always been lucky enough to have friends. Being a child on the move with the US Navy, if I didn't make friends quickly, it was a long 3 years. So, I was talkative and loud, I made people notice me. (See the confidence issue in the last post.) As a child, this wasn’t a bad thing, and I collected some pretty great friends.

Sue, Anousha, & Beth as my bridesmaids, 10/30/08

I started my Iowa collection in the 5^th grade when we moved here. I met Beth at the back of the 5^th grade band bus that transported us from our separate elementary schools to Lyons Middle School for band practice. She looked cherubic with her round face surrounded by a mass of perfect strawberry-gold curls. She played the flute for a year, and we didn’t talk much, she seemed snobbish. We were in the same class at the start of sixth grade and we fought back and forth for the next three years for control of our group. We would be best friends and worst enemies at the same time. We were the original Frenemies. 
I met Anousha in the 6th grade. She sat behind me in Mrs. Streba's class. I was amazed that she had 2 adult older sisters, and a little sister about Shannon's age. We became great friends, and by high school, Anousha was my best friend.  
Beth brought Sue into our group-ish in the 9th grade. They had gone to parochial school together before Beth joined the public schools in the 3rd grade. Sue was a thespian, so she hung out with the theatre crowd, but she blended so well with so many people. 
There were other girls, and my teens years wouldn't have been the same without them and thanks to Facebook, we've reconnected. But Beth, Anousha and Sue are the most important women from my childhood. I was Beth's Maid of Honor, all three of them were in my wedding. Whenever anything big has happened in my life, these women were a part of it. I love them dearly. Don't get me wrong, we've had serious problems, mostly caused by living so far apart: Beth is in Maryland, Sue is in west Texas, and Anousha is in LA. That's the hardest part. Sue and I talk regularly, and I think we are the closest now. But I know that if I ever need anything or just want to talk, they will all be there for me. I've had these girls in my life since I was 10 years old. How many people can say that?
Part 2.

Chi O sisters at my 2008 wedding: Katie, April, Marci, Brandy,
& Melissa

I joined a sorority my first semester in college. I am proud to say that I am a Chi Omega, that I am part of the 2nd largest Women's organization in the world (next to the Girl Scouts, and I was one of those too.) I am also proud to say that I paid for my sisters. I love these women as much as I do my friends from home. I became an adult with these women. I fell in love with these women cheering me on. These women serenaded me at my wedding. I found Myself with these women by my side. Weston was wanted by these women as much as he was wanted by our families. They were at the hospital, and he was welcomed into our group from the very beginning. For the full story, look here. But suffice it to say, 14 years later I am still seeing these women as much as we can. And I love them too.


Part 3. 
Part 3 consists of the women I have made my friends during adulthood. Mainly they consist of 3 women who I can't see my life without. I met Jess when I first started working at Damon's Grill when I was 20 years old. She was 6 months older than me, but already married and with a small son. She seemed so confident, empowered. I was amazed by her confidence. I taught her how to wear skirts and how to enjoy being a girl. She taught me how to be confident enough to go to Walmart in my jammie pants without makeup. She helped me to love myself. She introduced me to Scott. I love her like a sister. We live too far away now, but that doesn't matter at all. 
Jean was just a young girl when we met at the construction of the Lowe's in Altoona. She likes to joke that she knew me before I was married. Jean was the popular, beautiful, cheerleader from the good suburb. But inside, Jean is a fat girl trapped in a skinny body. She is Donna Reed 50 years later. (I wonder if she knows who Donna Reed is?) Jean and I bonded at Lowe's, and I brought her to Onthank when a spot came open. This is the first time in almost 8 years that I haven't spent my working day with Jean. She's one of my closest friends. And it doesn't hurt that her son Drew is 7 days older than Weston.

Danell, Shannon, and I at Wicked, 2011

Danell is the wife of a former co-worker. I like Adam, but I love Danell. She is so happy and full of life. Being around her just brightens my day. Her youngest son is only 6 days older than Weston. That helped to bond us together. But in all honesty, I think Danell and I were always meant to be friends. Without the kids, and husbands, we'd still be friends.

These woman have made me the person I am today. I would be greatly lacking if even one of them were missing from my life, and the fact that they all are present in my life is a testament to our love for each other. And my husband understands that I need my girl time. Which just makes me love him more, because he cares for these women too, and he sees the bond that we share.

I think I have become an Emotional Sponge

My Dad once said that his children are "Human."
And by that he didn't mean that we were human, 1 step above the apes. What he meant was that we were Human - we possess an enhanced version of the things that make humans... well human. For example, according to Dad, my sister can empathize with anyone. And she can take in the pain of those around her and then project what they need to cope. This is what makes her an amazing social worker/advocate and will soon make her an exceptional therapist.
My brother sees things. He sees the past, the present, and though we'll never know for certain, I think he also sees with a little 6th Sense as well. I think this in some ways is more difficult to live with, or it certainly seems so for him (and that creepy kid from the movie.)

And that brings us to me. I have the talent to read people, and places. In the first few minutes of a meeting, I know whether or not the person I am with is a... good person, an honest person, a person that I want to be around. I'm not right all of the time, but if I am meeting this person alone, I am usually pretty close. Obviously this skill has helped me out along this journey of life, specifically on job interviews and as a bartender. I get feelings about places... and sometimes, I just turn around and leave. Sometimes I wish I could do that with people.

So, why am I telling you this?
Yesterday we drove up to Cherokee for a "Celebration of Life" party. It was more memorial service than party, but it was nice. My friend Jess' mother-in-law Denise passed away suddenly Sunday night. Only 49 years old, and it has been suggested that it was an asthma attack, and considering the conditions outside this year, it's not surprising that an asthma attack was fatal. Anyway, this has been an incredibly hard week on my friend. Her husband is useless on a good day, so imagine him with his mother's shocking passing. So... I walked into the VFW for the party. I stopped to chat with my godsons. And then I found her. And she came sobbing into my arms. And I fought back tears. For the rest of the day I fought back tears. While I normally wouldn't have cried during a memorial in front of so many people who looked at me as if I were an oddity, I brushed aside tears that just wouldn't stop. I felt sadness and fear and anger. I was overwhelmed by strong emotions. I knew Denise, she was a very nice woman. But other than the interactions within my friend's family, we didn't know each other that much. So where were these feelings coming from? I think I actually became an emotional sponge. I was feeling all of Jess' emotions. Her sadness and loss of Denise. Her fear of the future with her husband and their son, her anger towards Denise's family for thinking ill of her and abusing her husband's rights - the greed pouring from them instead of grief. I felt everything she felt, as if it were my own. Once I was certain that there was little else I could do for my friend, we said our good-byes and left. And I almost cried all the way to Scott's mother's home. I told him that I was feeling Jess's... everything. And that she was so sad at my leaving her and at being responsible for her husband; and that I thought there was worse to come.

We left Cherokee about 90 minutes later. And I "knew" something had happened with Jess. And I was right. Denise's family treated her poorly, they spoke so low so her half-deaf husband couldn't hear what was being decided about his mother's estate. Etc. etc. etc. I felt raw inside. I had wicked headache brewing. You know the kind... the one that you get after you've been sobbing and crying all day. Except I hadn't been. None of these emotions had happened to me. But I soaked them all up, just like a sponge. It took 2 Excedrin and 2 Tylenol PM to tame the headache. And the drug-induced coma I had been hoping for only lasted maybe 5 hours with another hour of laziness. Not enough to reset my system, but enough to give me a head start. I'm available for calls... but I don't think I will be calling up North for a while. I need a break. And a way to block this new level of empathy. Either that or I need to become a sponge for an overly happy person. Know anyone like that?

unFriending

In this socially conscious world, is the death of a friendship marked by the "unFriending" of someone on Facebook?

I haven't seen The Social Network, but if you have... is the answer in there? Does the mini-Mark Zuckerburg tell us how to end a friendship for all the world to see?


Remember when you were a kid? When someone hurt your feelings, you told your Mom and they either called the other kid's mom or they said to let it go. And when you let it go, what did that mean? They were no longer invited over to your house for play dates and birthday parties. And then... it was over. Frienship ended. For about 5 seconds, because then the mean kid became a nice kid who shared their Fruit Rollup with you. And suddenly you're friends again.


Remember middle and high school? I have diaries detailing the fights that made up these 7 years. Your "group" starts out as 15 or so girls... it grows and shrinks over time. Someone told a secret or stole a boyfriend while at the skating rink, and suddenly the group is divided on sides. Fractured from the whole for a lot longer than elementary school. Then high school starts and suddenly the groups are merged and split again, mainly based on class load and interests. And while there's fighting, it's more mature. And a lot more devious. Think Gossip Girl without all the money, clothes, and grand scale. Same thoughts and plans on a much smaller stage. I mean seriously, in the 90s... the worse think I could think to call someone was a slut. And even then I would feel guilty that my mom whould find out. But... once fractured, high school friendships didn't generally grow back together. If anything, the divide grew larger and more definite until graduation. Your parents wonder what happened to that girl who practically lived here every weekend, and no matter how you explained what happened, they don't get it.


College friendships tend to last. Maybe it's the fact that the most growing up you do emotionally is from 18-25. And it's your college friends, and the ones you've kept since high school that grow with you. These are your first "adult" friends.


And this brings me to Facebook.
I refused to join this thing in the beginning. It seemed too young. Something my sister was doing in high school, and I was so past High School. (Yes, with capital letters.) So, I didn't joing Facebook until 2008 or 2009, after my son was born, and my sorority friends were dragging me (kicking and screaming) into the era of the social network. And suddenly I was "friends" with over 200 people! People I knew from elementary school and on. And it was like we've always been friends. I knew their stories, and they followed mine. It was like they cared with 100 or so characters. It was almost as good as my high school reunion. I was a mediocre follower for a while. I posted pictures and commented a few times, but after a while, I became addicted. I followed my "friends," I played a game or 2, I commented on a million things a day. And I started trying to post things to see what people would say. Facebook has come in handy, especially when I need parenting advice or general questions answered. But I think it also has a way of de-socializing us too. My sister calls me a "Facebook Whore" or "Post Whore" saying that I am being antisocial by being on my new iPhone while we're together, constantly checking Facebook. Part of me thought about giving it up for Lent. Then I realized that I am not Catholic, so I don't have to give anything up. (Yep... addicted.)
Anyway, desocialization by Facebook: So, we feel like we're super involved in our friends' lives because we read their posts and see their pictures... it's like we're always there. But we're not. Not really. And after a while, when you think about it, you realize that you haven't seen your friend in almost 6 months. And they don't seem to realize it either. And suddenly it's like you don't even know each other. And then a FB post is taken the wrong way (like a text message, but don't get me started on Text Wars.) and the next thing you know, you haven't seen any posts for a while. And when you go looking, you can find this friend amongst your friends. And when you search all of FB for them... you discover that you are no longer "friends." You have 2 mutual friends (did they unfriend other people as well?) but that's it.
Not Friends.
Unfriended.
The end of a 6 year relationship.
With the click of a button.
Is this what our society has come to?
(I hope not.)

Heebedee Heebedee Hub-Hub-Hahb!!!!

 Whenever anyone asks about my job, you know... do you like it? I have always answered the same, "Not always, or usually, but I love some things I do and I love the people I work with." The next question that doesn't revolve around the current job usually is something like, "What was your favorite job?" Most people would expect me to say the Secretary of State's Office or my current job, since I am still there. (ha!) But they'd be wrong. My favorite job that I've had in the last 14-odd years of working? Damon's Grill. It's gone now. Closed in April of 2004. But for those of you that need a reminder... it was in the Holiday Inn on 50th Street in West Des Moines, which is now a Sheraton. 

I was 19 years old. A college sophomore in a sorority, in need of cash. (I've always seemed to be in need of cash.) I'd been drinking for a year and thought that qualified me to be a bartender. (again, hahaha, right.) I started by looking in the phone book. (Pre-internet) I saw an ad for Damon's Grill, and it seemed like magic. My last name was Damon, a somewhat unusual name. It was meant to be. So I filled out an application. And I waited. And waited. and waited. Finally I got an interview. At the time I was also working at Drake's D-Shoppe, the Secretary of State's Office and had just started as a bridal consultant for David's Bridal (a horrible experience that can be discussed later.) At my interview, I sat at a high top in Beethoven's trying to look all professional for Darin Boots. We talked. He told me that they did train bartenders, no experience required. But (but?!?!?!) They weren't hiring bartenders, only servers. But it was a step in the door, I could be a bartender in months. I was hired after my 2nd interview. Which was good because I had quit the bridal business.

I had a rough start: evil trainers who didn't share tips after I did all the work, blisters, ill-fitting uniform shirts, you name it. But then I settled in. I started working a few nights a week. I really enjoyed it. I loved socializing with most tables. I made friends, great friends. I grew up at Damon's. I had 3 amazing managers, though a few times I wanted to beat them to death. Darin reminded me so much of my Dad in size and personality. I used to get hugs from him when I missed my dad more than I could bear. And I know that he probably took advantage of that sometimes... especially when a shift needed covered. Eric was a like a big brother, a total teddy bear. You could get away with almost anything if Eric was there. Especially during the days... 4 projection screen TVs and no customers = fun for us all. He is also the only manager to make me cry in front of him. Over broccoli. Don't worry, I totally let him have it once the tears were dry, and I've never let anyone talk to me like that again. And then there's Andy. The Hot One. (The one who sang the Title to this Post all the time. I've been singing it to Weston since he was born.) He was like a big kid. He flirted, probably a little harassment, but it was ok - it was Andy. He was always joking and he made you feel great, just as you were. Don't get me wrong... he could rant and rave and yell with the rest of them. They all could. But they could drink with the best of them too! I was a server, a hostess, and a Bartender. I did it all, had it all. An illicit fling with another employee... best friends made... crushes bloomed and wilted (can anyone say Matt Kiel? Allison can, maybe Katie too, definitely Katie Nickrent can)... drinks poured and shared. I made a life-long friend in Jess Nelson, now Jess Jones. She was a sister when I needed one, a bridesmaid when I wanted one, always a friend - still is to this day. She actually introduced me to my husband. It's a weird circle. If it weren't for Damon's, I wouldn't have my family. It's funny how it all turned out.

Andy Pederson found me on Facebook yesterday. I have reconnected with some of the best years and people of my life. It's brought back so many great memories. Its funny to see the families and babies of the people who shared my single life. Who watched me through college; who watched me fall in love with Scott. You see, I left Damon's April 2nd, 2003, to move to Sioux City to be with Scott. I clocked out at 2pm, changed clothes and returned to the bar. Andy made me my first and last drink at Damon's. Apparently this was a tradition. Jess and I had our last dinner there during their last week being open. It was so sad, but it felt right to have one last hurrah. I'm not sure if I have any pictures from Damon's, I can't remember taking any. Maybe all I have are the pictures in my memories: Going to Friday's after close, then shutting them down. Doing Karaoke at Mulligan's. Drinking at Bradley's (which I did not like.) Becoming regulars at Limey's. The Jukebox at Limey's (God how I miss Limey's.) Days spent playing hooky with Matt Kiel, the endless car rides with Matt. Becoming family with Jess, watching her babies grow up. Burke... we'll also leave that one alone. (Shut up, Shannon and Jess.) There are so many things, so many memories.

 Now to give you an idea of what a day in the life was like... rent the movie Waiting. It's about 65% like that. Ok... maybe 80%.

And I will leave you with that.

Now and Always,
Erin Damn Damon

 (another Pederson name.)

Congratulations, Mrs. Brown!!!

April and Glen Brown... or is it Glen Brown and April Barkley-Brown?

Yesterday one of my best friends got married! April and I are sorority sisters. April and I didn't have an easy bond at the beginning. We really didn't even like each other. The funny thing was, we were together for the biggest events in our Chi Omega time together: We were initiated together. Secretly in pairs. April was my partner. Then we spent time in seclusion until the next pair joined us. Awkward when you're not really friends. Now the second event is really in 3 parts. Part 1, In early 2000, April and were named Rho Chi leaders to represent Chi Omega during the 2000 Fall Rush. Basically we were chosen to help new students navigate through their way through the Rush process visiting each sorority house. It was a huge honor to be entrusted with. April and I started to bond over the impending work when our Chi Omega National President visited. (Part 2) It wasn't good. Nationals was closing our house. Shutting down our chapter. Making us find a new home. April went on to live with one of the worst roommates in history, and I ended up with another XO and a a runner-up for the roommate list. And Part 3, April, myself and our XO sister Katie ended up in the worst Religion class ever. We hung out together during and after class, joked about our rough beginnings and became great friends and sisters. 
So... one of my best friends got married. She kissed some frogs to find her prince. Glen is a good man. He is kind and generous and supportive. He loves my friend sincerely. He understands her history and appreciates the woman that she has grown to be. I am grateful that she has found the love that she deserves. They will build a life together, a family. Their wedding was beautiful and a lot of fun. She looked amazing. And I didn't suck at miniature golf nearly as much as I was used to. (Yes, there was miniature golf at the reception held at Toad Valley Golf Course. Unlimited if you could handle the 96 degree heat and the 1 million % humidity. I didn't even venture to the course until 8:30 pm. And it was still hot.)  Anyway, it was a blast. Chi Omega women all together. Husbands hanging out together at the table. I just realized that Scott and I didn't even dance once. Weird. But we mini golfed together. That's enough, right? 
On a side note, I just want to give some notice to my husband and sister. Scott has blossomed so much in the past almost 8 years. He isn't afraid to talk to most people and actively goes out of his way to join the group. Last night he sat on the sidelines a bit, letting me laugh and dance with all of my friends. I had a wonderful time, and he's to thank for most of it. My sister Shannon graciously took care of Weston most of the day since the wedding was at 1 pm and the reception started at 6 pm. Weston had so much fun and cried when she left this afternoon after our visit to Mom. He literally spent all day Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday with her. Mom and Dad were supposed to watch Weston this weekend, but her health hasn't let her leave the hospital yet. So Shannon jumping in has helped us out so much. Kudos to Scott and Shannon for making my weekend so wonderful.

Chi O girls after the ceremony at St. Anthony's in Des Moines:
 Me, Jayme, Brandy (bridesmaid), Liz, and Marci.

"You are paying for your friends"

My wedding, October 30, 2004.
Katie, April, Me, Marci, Brandy and Melissa representing Chi Omega Sisterhood.

When I started Drake in August of 1998, I was the loneliest I had been in my entire life. I went to high school with my roommate, I had friends on the floor, but it wasn't the same. I missed my real friends. I missed my family. I was so alone I almost left Drake. I almost ran back to Clinton. Back to my sister, back to my mom.

But... Sarah Veierstahler, who worked with me at the D-Shoppe, and was a Rho-Chi (Rush guide basically), convinced me to Rush for a Sorority. Crazy, I know. No one understood what I was doing, or why. But honestly, it just felt right. So, I did. It was an amazing experience, one I still remember in detail to this day. (But if you ask my friends... I remember everything.) I pledged only one house. I wanted only one house. And I told myself if I didn't get in... well, then I had fun, but that was that. Obviously, I was offered a bid from Chi Omega. And I of course accepted. I dressed in my red clothes and rushed out of the Olmsted Center to meet my new sisters. Future friends who had chosen me as much as I had chosen them. And found my already friend Sarah, wearing her red waiting with the party.

When I returned to Clinton for the October break (Drake has a 4 day weekend called Fall Break) my friends from Clinton asked all sorts of questions. Mainly... Why? I was not the sorority type, was I? It didn't make sense. Our friend Chris was the instigator of most of these questions. He kept saying, "You're paying for your friends. Are they really your friends?"

I joined a sisterhood. I found a place to belong. I found a family and sisters at Drake. Without the acceptance and love of these women, I would have left Drake behind. Deep in my heart, I know this. Everything that has happened in my life, every decision that has been made to keep my head above water, happened because I was asked and I said Yes. Scott, Weston, my job... all of the decisions that led me on the path to my family began with my choice to Belong. I paid monthly dues. I got another job. I moved into the House my sophomore year. I worked a lot to pay dues plus living expenses. Yes, I paid to belong to Chi Omega. But I got more out of this than I paid for. And Chris Swales... we aren't really friends anymore. He got married about 8 years ago... and he fell off the earth. But the Chi Os? We've been friends for 12 years. I have a close-knit circle of Chi O's, 4 plus myself. These women have been present in every important moment of my adult life. More physically present (since most of us live in Des Moines) and just as emotionally present as my 3 best friends from high school. I can fall back into my old self with these 7 women as easily as I can with my family. There are no pretenses or judgment, just history and laughter. The 4 of us Chi O's still in Des Moines try to get together once a month. Usually Weston or one of Jayme's 3 children tag along... it's just the way it is as you grow up.

I'm the baby in this group of friends. They were all a year ahead of me. It was nice being the baby somewhere. My wedding 5 1/2 years ago was the last Chi O wedding in our group. Until this summer. April is getting married on June 26th to a great guy. April was gone my first semester at Drake, she was at Basic Training for the National Guard. She returned just in time for our Initiation. And we were initiated together. I thought she was stuck up. She thought I was a snooty bitch. It took about a year in a half - we bonded as Rho Chi's for the Fall 2000 Rush, bonded over our house closing before that Rush, bonded over a horrible Religion class - and she is my closest Chi O Friend. I love her dearly. My son loves her. And now she's getting married! We celebrated her upcoming wedding this weekend with dinner at our spot (El Rodeo on Douglas) with Brandy, and later Fisher (Melissa); and then with April's Bridal Shower on Saturday. We were all there. And it was so much fun! I am so lucky to have these 4 women in my life. I may have "paid" for my friends, but I am the one reaping all of the rewards. It was so worth it!

Me, Brandy, April, Melissa, and Jayme at April's Bridal Shower.
Chi Omega Sisterhood at it's finest.

Welcome!!!

For those of you who don't know, my friend (and probably yours too) Beth had a beautiful baby boy August 21st.

I am biased towards Weston of course, but isn't Luc one of the cutest baby boys you've ever seen?

"I never had better friends than the friends I had when I was twelve." -Stand By Me

When someone is important to you, you remember almost everything. But the one thing you never forget is when you first met them.

For example, it was surreal when I found out I was pregnant. It was something that I had wanted for so long, but when it actually happened it didn't seem real. Obviously, I'm not supermodel thin, so I didn't think I looked pregnant until the day before Weston was born. I actually thought he was a girl, and up until the moment that idiot woman blurted out, "... here's the spine and the kidney, and it's a boy...." I had no clue that my child could have a penis. I thought someone had made a mistake because there was no way that my first baby was supposed to be a boy. I obviously had a hard time adjusting. But I can tell you the first time I "met" him. It wasn't when the "bubbles" turned into actual movements around 22 weeks, it was 2 days after exclaiming, "It's a WHAT?" to that idiot nurse. We were shopping in Chicago and we stepped into FAO Schwartz at Macy's. The first thing I saw was a room sized dragon. A Dragon! My sister threw a pen and I caught it. Left handed. Everywhere I looked were tiny little boy things - Cubs outfits, tiny shoes, snow balls made from the Lake-effect snow. These were signs. Chicago, Macy's, FAO Schwartz... they were all telling me that my magical, miracle baby was meant to be a little boy. In that moment, he became real, he became Weston. And I have known him ever since.
I can remember my first real meeting of every important person in my life, other than my siblings and family. I met Scott in a bar, and he barely looked at me - he just stared into his plate stealing glances up at me once in a while, but that moment changed my life forever. I met Sue during the first days of high school, she was a friend of Beth's and just blended in with us. She may have blended then, but she has shone as a friend and stood out ever since. The first time I saw Beth, we were ten years old. I was picked up at Horace Mann Elementary for 5th grade band. We travelled north, past my house, to Elijah Buell to pick up more kids. And on the bus comes this girl with all of this hair. Tons of perfectly curled strawberry-blond hair billowing all around her like an angel. She barely smiled, and I felt a little intimidated by this perfectly coiffed ten-year-old. She quit the flute after a year, but we were friends by the time we met up at Lyons Middle School the next year. We fought all through middle school, but had merged as the Alpha female duo in high school. It wasn't perfect, we fought like feral cats for years, but I know that I can call her anytime and she'll be there.
I remember the first time I spoke to Anousha. We were 11 years old and in the 6th grade. We shared a homeroom teacher, Mrs. Maxa, and we sat about 4 rows apart. When we switched rooms to Mrs. Streba (Lyons had us switching rooms and teachers for different lessons to get us ready for high school.) Anousha ended up sitting in front of me. She had very dark wavy hair almost to her waist, pulled up in a barrette in the front. She turned around and we started talking. Somehow we got on the topic of families, and she told me about her older sisters, who were married and had kids... it seemed so fantastic. I was a little jealous of this life completely different from mine. (And by Clinton standards, the fact that I was a Navy Brat was a little outlandish itself.) We were friends. We all hung out together, gradually whittling down the big gaggle of girls into smaller cliques. By high school it was down to 5 or 6 girls, and somehow Anousha and I had paired up. Maybe it was our love of soap operas, Antonio Sabatto, Jr. and the X-Files. Who knows. But at some point this girl, completely unlike me - I was chubby/fat, pale and outspoken; she was skinny, exotic and well-spoken - ended up as close to me as my sister. She was the first person I thought to call whenever I had something to say. I loved her parents, her little sister; I loved being at their house at all hours. Almost every memory I have of 1991-1998, and most of my best memories until 2002 have these 3 women in them, and Anousha is in every single one. Maybe that's why I can't give up on any one of them (though Sue has never given me reason to think I should.)
After sophomore year of college, Beth drifted off. She wasn't lost. She was just busy and not the best communicator when left to her own devices, she will be the first to admit this. She was awful at email, while I embraced the technology and Sue bought stock in Hallmark greeting cards. Anousha was best at the phone. Once you got a hold of her, the phone was busy for hours. I used to buy calling cards dedicated just to her calls. After college, things stayed the same way, except Sue had taken over the technological world, and Anousha seemed to have found a love for letters.
Then... we all started to leap in different directions completely. Beth married, graduated law school, and moved to Delaware. Sue started looking for new opportunities in distant lands and eventually ended up in Amarillo. I fell in love with Scott and got married. And Anousha? She leapt all the way to California. LA. I was jealous of her again, of all of them. They had the courage to leave everything and start fresh. But I made a choice. I chose personal happiness over a career. That's my choice. I have my family and I love them dearly. but some days I wonder what it would be like to have moved away and had the Big Career or the Big City.
Beth and Sue kept up their usual contact. It was reliable and comfortable. Anousha, on the other hand, was anything but predictable. We would go for months talking daily or weekly and then nothing. She would stop all together. No email, calls or letters. It would last a few weeks and then it would start up again. It would be a little awkward and then everything would go back to normal. It went on like this for a long time. And then, the breaks in conversation turned into months. But she always came back. Apologetic, but back. When I got pregnant, things seemed to go back to normal. We talked a lot. She met Shannon and I in Chicago on that long ago weekend when I "met" my son in toy department with a room sized Dragon. She was a constant during those 40 or so weeks.
And then Anousha stopped returning my calls the 2nd or 3rd week of September 2008. It was about 2 weeks before our 10-year high school reunion and Weston was 6 weeks old. Weeks later I heard from her sister Erika that her car had broken down and that was why she couldn't make the trip back to Iowa. She never told me this. She just didn't show. Sue and Beth couldn't make it back. I was alone. And it was fine... almost fun. It would have been more fun had any of them been there, but we're adults, I get it. Shit happens. We received baby gifts (with the best wrapping paper!) and Christmas presents from Anousha, each containing notes. But no response to phone calls. Via text we agreed that the I'd call on Christmas. She didn't answer and I spent a long time talking to her parents. And then I cried. I missed my friend. I couldn't afford to send gifts. Had she returned a call, she would have known this. It's been a year now. I've sent emails. I've texted and I've left voicemails - Some heart-wrenching and some so angry that I couldn't contain them any longer. I have needed a friend more this year than any year in my life since 1989. And the one person who was as close to me as my sister was not there. I couldn't find her. And she wouldn't even let me know where to look. It felt like a funeral.
(I would like it to be known that I still talk to her sister, Erika. Just because Anousha has cut me out, does not mean I have to give up her family. I grew up with them too.)
So... after a year, imagine my surprise when my sister Shannon tells me that Anousha accidentally called her on Sunday. (I wonder if Anousha told her that she never meant to talk to her at all?) They talked for a while, almost a half hour. And according to Shannon, after 5 minutes of awkwardness, everything went back to normal. Anousha doesn't call me (or our other friends), because as she told Shannon, there's nothing new to tell. Ok... but what about the other conversation? What about the, "Hi. My life is the same, what's new with you?" or "You're last message sounded a little off, are you ok?" or even better, "I went to this Awards party with Erika and you'll never believe who touched my shoulder at the bar!" Any of this would work. Shannon gave Anousha 24 hours to make contact. Obviously she failed. again. And Shannon forgot to tell me. Because... we've been busy. And because Shannon knew it would hurt my feelings. You'd think I'd be over her by now. But I'm not. I am so mad. And lonely. This one person who used to fill a spot in my life jumped ship. And because everyone else fits so perfectly, there's this gaping hole where she used to be. I heard a rumor that Anousha reads my blog. I wonder what she will think of this. Will it move her to call me? Probably not. Will she reevaluate her life? I don't know or care. I've never cared what a person's career was or how they were getting to where they wanted to be. I only cared that they were happy and healthy. Because they were my friends, and as a friend, all I ever wanted for them was happiness. I was told that I should write an obituary or eulogy for my friendship with Anousha. That since she had decided to end it, I should follow her lead and let her go. And I had started it, thinking closure was the healthiest thing for me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up. I'm a masochist thriving for punishment and pain and begging my sister from another family to get her shit together and call her friend!

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

Postscript: I didn't write this to offend anyone. I am upset with this entire situation. I am not apologizing by any means. I have a right to my feelings and how I deal with them. I am just tired of holding everything in. I needed to air the laundry, clean and dirty. I don't feel much better, but I do feel like I have said all that I can on this now. I can hear my little boy fast asleep in his room and I need to wish him good night.