Anxiety

Right now, I wish I had some Nutella... or a pile of Rolos. Or even a Snickers mini.

I've hit that point in the afternoon where I am usually digging through my purse for loose change. I'm getting hungry (again) and a little heartburn (again) and a little nauseous (again.) This happens at least 4 times a day. And never at the same time. It's worse in the morning. And because I take such a late lunch (around 1:15pm) it hits twice. I hold off until at least 9am, and then again at 11am. Yogurt and watermelon are this week's faves. But in the afternoon... all I want is chocolate. Damned vending machine, it sits there and whispers my name. Today, I could only find $0.55. So, I broke out the saltines... suck on them until the nausea abides (which it hasn't yet.) Now do you see why I'd love some Nutella? With the salt? OMG.

So... I also get heartburn when I'm having an anxiety attack. And I've been building one all day. The ultrasound is tomorrow. What if there isn't a baby again? What do we do? What if I don't have enough emotion left, or I don't show the right emotions?

My friend, Jess asked me last weekend if this pregnancy felt better than the last time. I didn't know what to say. They symptoms are different. This one is more like the little I can remember from my pregnancy with Weston. Or maybe I am seeing similarities to protect my heart. I just know that it isn't anything like the last one. That one was so extreme in almost every aspect. But the truth is, I can't remember. And when it comes to feeling anything inside of me... I don't. And I know it's early, but I feel like I should "feel" something, anything.

I am so scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.

they listen...

Weston and I went to dinner with the Chi O Girls last night at the Cheesecake Factory in the mall.
Jayme guessed my news by my lack of caffeine and we told Melissa. April already knew because she found a picture of a test on my phone about 3 weeks ago. ;)
They were all beyond happy and so encouraging.
Dinner was ok. This pregnancy doesn't like cheese. Especially cheddar. So my dinner last night was just ok. I'm wishing that I'd gotten the Chicken Bellagio - mainly so I'd have lunch today.

Anyway, April needed to find some baby jeans for her daughter, since it's been so cold lately. So, we were in Baby Gap, and all the way at the back of the store is the clearance section and Maternity section. Weston became obsessed with the maternity mannequins. He kept rubbing their bellies and lifting up their shirts and I had to explain what they were. Then he asked where the babies were, and we told him that they were just pretend to see how the clothes looked, etc.
On our way out of the store, Weston stops at the door, turns to me and asks, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
We about died. April and I kept trying to change the subject, "Let's go to the next store! Have you seen these shoes yet?" He tried 3 more times before we had him distracted enough not to answer.


Today though - I wonder if he was calling me fat or if he really is clairvoyant. does my belly look like the mannequin's already? I don't know which is worse?!?

But all-in-all, it was a hilarious night.

a note from the Grouch...

"Why are you mad all tonight, Mommy?"

This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."

Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.

This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?

So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.

So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.

And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.