13 weeks in frame...

13 weeks of our babies in pictures - thank goodness for cell phones!

Nicknames that have evolved
Sebastian - Bash, Basher, Munchkin, Littlest Jones
Keegan - Keegs, Keegers, Keegalicious (middle of the night, but it sticks), Pumpkin, Littler Jones
Weston - Little Jones, Buddy

BIRTHDAY!!! 12/12/13 (6 weeks early)
living in the NICU, hooked up to: IV Antibiotics, feeding tubes, "room air" oxygen push, and in incubators to regulate their temperatures. Sebastian ends up under the Bilirubin light for a few days to fight Jaundice.

WEEK 1 - Major Progress!
Antibiotics ceased, Oxygen tubes removed, no more bili lights, and we're kangaroo holding - which is skin-to-skin holding. Keegan snuggles in, while Sebastian licks me until he falls asleep.

12/19/13
Both boys only have feeding tubes, though they are breast & bottle feeding when they have the energy. They have also been moved to open air cribs!

Week 2
Noticing the world around them, working on weight gain and consistency, and wearing clothes!!! Keegan meets Weston through a glass window and slightly open door first, and then on Christmas Eve Weston and our nieces meet both babies through the glass window. My Dad and brother hold them for the first time.

12/26/13 - My Birthday!
Still working on growing and eating, maintaining body temp, and not having any "spells" - once they reach these goals, they can go home!

1/4/14
Sebastian came home 12/31/13, and Keegan joined him on 1/4/14. finally, our family under 1 roof, and no need to leave the house in awful weather to venture to the NICU.

1/12/14
They are thriving! Both are gaining weight, but still not sleeping for long.

2 Months Old!!! 2/12/14
Photo shoot courtesy of Tylenol and 8 wk vaccinations.

2/14/14
Happy Valentine's Day from Aunt Shannon and soon-to-be-Uncle Bill.
Weston is in love with his baby brothers.

2/20/14 - Time has flown by and these boys have grown by leaps and bounds. They've doubled their body weights and added 2+ inches to their lengths. They're smiling and amazing. Keegan developed a Hemangioma - a birthmark that appears as a rubbery, bright red nodule of extra blood vessels in the skin. It grows for the first year of life and then fades until there is little to no trace of it. It really came in handy for telling them apart for the first few weeks at home. :)

2/20/14 - Synagis Vaccinations #2
Because they were preemies, our boys had to get what is more commonly known as RSV vaccinations. They got mailed to us directly and a home health nurse (Laura) would come out and administer them. So, here they are waiting for their shots just after being weighed. I swear Sebastian knows exactly what is going on.

Whenever these boys are too fussy, we strip them. Just like their big brother, being naked calms them down. the hate being too warm. Weston will take any excuse to remove his clothes.

We had pictures taken at the hospital on 12/31/13, you know, the ones where they visit in the first days after birth? Or in our case, almost 3 weeks after birth. We had to wait until they were both healthy enough to leave their NICU room. I had this print made at Shutterfly.

Naked Baby Time! Taking advantage of an outfit change and a 60 degree day.

For the baby shower thrown by my sister, guests were encouraged to design onesies. Our nieces made 2 of my faves - Sebastian is wearing Zoey and Keegan is wearing Paisley.

Keegan's hand in mine. I think baby hands just might be my favorite body part. And his are so perfect! And huge for his size!

3/12/14 - Our babes are 3 months old today! they offer smiles and coos, they love to be held and cuddled. Both are doing really well.

Our babies caught the cold bug that Weston and I've had. Keegan had it the worst at first with a bad cough. Sebastian's popped up again this past weekend, and mine came back with a vengeance. These Rock-N-Sleep things from Fisher Price have been a lifesaver. I wish I had one with Weston.

Weston had Dr. Seuss week at school. Monday was Red Fish, Blue Fish day. So we made him a shirt using his hand prints a la Pinterest. He wanted his brothers to match, and they were quickly growing out of these.

3/8/14 - almost 3 Months!
We had their 3 month pictures taken at Target, and then had family pictures taken as well. (see the left sidebars.)

We baptized our babies at St. Paul Lutheran on 3/15/14. I forgot to charge the battery on my camera, so this is what I have until I collect from everyone else. It was another hard time without Mom, but Dad put on a brave face and really enjoyed his grandsons. We had a great evening with both sides of the family and our friends.

3/16/14 - Sunday brunch with Scott's family. Sebastian is not thrilled about the layers in his outfit, how his cold is progressing, or the fact that I am posing him without the bottle in his mouth. He got over it, and never really did cry.

 This is the background on my phone's lock screen. It's basically a week in pictures. Papa and Keegan, Sebastian's selfie that he messaged to my friend Tuesday morning. Keegan's selfie that he instagrammed so he wouldn't be forgotten (As if!!!), and my Jones' Boys in their St. Patrick's gear. The Itty Bits are actually wearing Weston's hand-me-down tees from 2009. No idea how tight they must have fit him!

This is 3/21/14 - finally wearing the Owl hats I had made for them - and of course it's almost spring. :)

Since I've been gone...

My Mom died over 5 months ago, October 18, 2013 .
It was not beautiful, but it was mercifully fast. Mom didn't suffer as much as we did, and I thank everything for that. It was a little supernatural in that I heard something hit the floor upstairs near her bed right as she passed. We looked everywhere, nothing had fallen. I think it was Mom. It's all it could have been, at least in my head.
I wrote her obituary, at her request, and it's some of the best writing that I've ever done, or so I've been told. I'm glad that I could honor her that way.
I'm not over it. I will never be over it. I miss her every day, every night, whenever I look at my children. And yes, I said Children.

My boys were born Dec.12th. They were 6 weeks early from their due date and 4 weeks early from our scheduled C-section.

Everything was fine and normal on Dec. 11th. I had my regular apt with the Perinatal Center - ultrasound and non-stress test came back great. Babies had turned sideways, but we all thought that was good- they were getting ready for the final stretch. As I was leaving, my brakes went out on our car. Everything ended up fine- I wasn't hurt, and I managed to make it to a gas station on one of Des Moines' busiest roads. he car was towed, and my sister picked me up. My aunt was in town watching Weston before and after school since our daycare was closed, because they had their baby. We went to dinner that night all together, and I still felt fine. No problem.
I woke up at 5am on Thursday, December 12th, having to go to the bathroom. I got up and felt like I wet myself. 15 minutes later, I woke up and realized that people do not go to the bathroom for 15 minutes. So I called the hospital nurse and confirmed that my water had broke. So we went off to the hospital in a great rush - no packing, Weston wouldn't even wake up. We were just so lucky that my aunt wasn't supposed to leave until 9am. She took care of Weston and got him off to school, and then joined us at the hospital. I was so ridiculously calm. Scott too. There was no freaking out or anything. I still can't believe how calm and surreal it all was. The nurses actually told us that Scott and I were the cutest couple, one of their favorites. I didn't feel like we were being particularly nice to each other, but hey, we'll always take a compliment.
It took 5 hours for the hospital to get everything in order (I totally had time to pack!!!) It was smooth and so much different from Weston's emergency C-section. I actually had contractions this time. But they never got bad enough to need medication, but they were almost to that point. :)
But, it was nice to talk to the doctors and nurses, to have time to comprehend everything.
Keegan Nathaniel was born at 11:31am, 5lbs 4oz, and 19" long. He was doing well enough for me to see him up close.
Sebastian Miller was born at 11:34am (though it felt so much longer than 3 minutes in between since they had to pull him out from under my ribcage). He was 4lbs, 12 oz and 17-1/4" long. He wasn't doing as well, so I saw him through the incubator.
The babies were immediately transported to the NICU, while I was taken to surgical recovery. I had an amazing experience. Everything was calm, our babies cried when they were born, and I got to see them before they went upstairs. The doctors and nurses were amazing, very caring and I didn't feel like I was on an assembly line. I really wish Mercy would send me a survey or something. I was able to see my babies in their NICU room within 3 hours and I was able to hold Keegan by 9pm that evening.
I was in the hospital for 4 days, and it was weird being in the maternity ward without babies. It was also lonely, especially at night. I was up and walking by the next day. I only missed 2 days of being in the NICU with my boys in over 3 weeks, and it was weather related. Our winter weather has been awful since these boys were born. It's like they brought ice and snow with them - probably so they could snuggle more.
Our boys were in the NICU for about 3 weeks. It felt so much longer. The first few days were the longest, and most frightening, but looking back, we really had it easy. Our boys were rock stars. They were born at a great size (I think they would have been 8-9 pounds had they gone to their scheduled delivery date), and were in pretty good health. They needed help breathing, so they were on Room-Air Oxygen, what that means is that room air is pushed into their lungs to help them breath regularly. It's a big step down from pure Oxygen. They were also on antibiotics (to cover the bases), feeding tubes, had their blood sugars checked regularly, 4 different heart/lung monitors, and in incubation boxes (I'm sure that there is a better name, but it's a plastic box.) Within a week, they had made vast improvements. I thought for sure that we'd have them home for Christmas. Everyone said I was wrong, but I looked at it as being optimistic. The boys had to meet four requirements before their release:
1. Maintain their body temp
2. Continually gain weight
3. Eat by mouth (breast or bottle) consistently for 48 hours - since they were early and smaller, eating completely tires them out, so they occasionally had to be fed through the tube so they would have enough energy to bottle feed the next time. The more the eat, the more they grow, the more tired they get trying to get there. It's a vicious cycle.
4. No Spells - what are spells? Spells are cycles where the baby's heart rate & breathing drop very low for longer than 15 seconds before their body recovers, either on their own or with assistance. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.
So, as I said, I was optimistic for a Christmas homecoming. The boys were rocking it, Sebastian was finally overcoming his spells and was really picking up the eating. On 12/23 the boys were circumcised. Sebastian sailed through and kept moving forward. Keegan just couldn't get over the stress of the circumcision and/or the overall pain. He started having set backs - spells, not eating, maintaining, but not gaining weight. It was a long 12 days with him.
Sebastian was released from the NICU on December 31, 2013. It was the hardest thing leaving Keegan behind. But it was the right choice and place for him. If he had been released and had to be readmitted, he would have gone to the PICU (Peds) instead of the NICU - and there are so many more infections in the PICU. Weston and Sebastian got to know one another, and I really think it helped Weston to only have one baby to deal with. Once on his own, Keegan really started to flourish. We were back on the countdown to release.
Sebastian came home the afternoon of January 4, 2014. It was crazy saying good bye to the NICU and signing out for the last time. We plan on going back and taking some of the boys clothes... not all NICU babies are tiny. :)
Its been an amazing time. I was able to stay home with them for an additional 7 weeks, so I was gone from work for 10 weeks. I had help for 8 of the 10 weeks. My aunt came of from Cedar Rapids for 2-4 days 8 of the 10 weeks. She was a godsend. My sister and her fiance also come by to hold and cuddle and help out as needed, and Weston has been a big help too. Well, as big of a help as a 5 year old wants to be. The boys are smiling and cooing and starting to laugh in response to tickling. All is good so far. :) My Mom would just love these boys. They each like to be held and cuddled and then they want to be put down for time on end - she would have loved that.

Growing up so fast!

Enough about our impending bundles of joy. :) It's time to bring the focus back around to my Original bundle of Joy - Weston.

My 3 hour old Centerfold! Weston Christopher Jones ~ 7/31/2008

Five years ago I gave birth to the most magnificent baby boy. He was a blessing and a joy, and we were so spoiled by his arrival. And he was so worth the wait!

Today I took that very same boy to his first day of Kindergarten. Kindergarten!!! I can't believe that it's already time for full-day school.
He didn't sleep well, and ended up in our bed again. But by that point, all I wanted was for him to get a full night's sleep. He cried last night about not wanting to go to school, but wanting to go to daycare today. It was a rough night.

This morning, I made him sausage and waffles, per his request, but he barely ate. It's a good thing that he has lunch early (10:45am) so he won't be too hungry.

We got to school a little early and sat outside with the other kids and their parents. I really wish I had the luxury to take him to and from school every day. It would be amazing. But it's not to be. Scott and I walked him to his class, got him ready, took tons of pictures and then said our good-byes. I haven't heard anything yet, but I hope that he is having a great day.

Shannon made Weston a shirt to wear every first day of school: It's a Men's size Large! We have his class on the front, and then what he wants to be when he grows up on the back. This year, he wants to be a Superhero.

Weston's First Day of Kindergarten at Willowbrook Elementary, Altoona, Iowa.
Neither of us cried yet today, so that's something!

Some more of Weston's interests this year:
Clothing size: 6
Show size: 13
Favorite Color: Green
Favorite Sport: Swimming
Favorite Toys: Superheroes and dinosaurs
Favorite Stuffed Animal: Puppy
Favorite Superhero: Spiderman
Favorite Pet: Nola the cat
Favorite jammies: Batman ones
Favorite piece of clothing: new Spiderman shirt from Aunt Shannon
Favorite movie: he likes so many... no clear favorites this year
Favorite cartoon: Scooby Doo (any of them)
Favorite tv show: Doc McStuffins (Disney Jr.)
Favorite park activity: the Swings
Favorite food: Cottage Cheese
Favorite Veggie: Cucumbers and Carrots (raw)
Favorite Fruit: watermelon
Favorite Sweet Treat: brownies
Interesting notes: Weston is very sensitive to his feelings. He loves to sing, and does it all the time. He is over half my height... and growing fast! He loves babies and animals, and is very gentle with both. And he is incredibly smart with the best imagination!

So Blessed!!!

So our first ultrasound was today. And it was so stressful.  I was so worried. I practically made myself sick.
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound. 

I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.

She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!

Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.

Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)

We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)

Our new Babies. A & B. or Top and Bottom :)

Anxiety

Right now, I wish I had some Nutella... or a pile of Rolos. Or even a Snickers mini.

I've hit that point in the afternoon where I am usually digging through my purse for loose change. I'm getting hungry (again) and a little heartburn (again) and a little nauseous (again.) This happens at least 4 times a day. And never at the same time. It's worse in the morning. And because I take such a late lunch (around 1:15pm) it hits twice. I hold off until at least 9am, and then again at 11am. Yogurt and watermelon are this week's faves. But in the afternoon... all I want is chocolate. Damned vending machine, it sits there and whispers my name. Today, I could only find $0.55. So, I broke out the saltines... suck on them until the nausea abides (which it hasn't yet.) Now do you see why I'd love some Nutella? With the salt? OMG.

So... I also get heartburn when I'm having an anxiety attack. And I've been building one all day. The ultrasound is tomorrow. What if there isn't a baby again? What do we do? What if I don't have enough emotion left, or I don't show the right emotions?

My friend, Jess asked me last weekend if this pregnancy felt better than the last time. I didn't know what to say. They symptoms are different. This one is more like the little I can remember from my pregnancy with Weston. Or maybe I am seeing similarities to protect my heart. I just know that it isn't anything like the last one. That one was so extreme in almost every aspect. But the truth is, I can't remember. And when it comes to feeling anything inside of me... I don't. And I know it's early, but I feel like I should "feel" something, anything.

I am so scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.

normalities

It's been one week since my surgery and the removal of our pregnancy.

Things are slowly getting back to the new normal. I went on a Girls Night on Friday. It was a nice distraction... Oz: The Great and Powerful was a huge disappointment in a movie. Just huge. And it had so much potential. Our late dinner of (mine was cooked) Sushi at Wasabi Chi was amazing. I loved it all, and would definitely go back. If you are reading this from the DSM area, make a visit, and then send me a Thank You note.

What I've noticed about people though... as the week went on, my tragedy was no longer in the front of their minds. And while I understand this, it would be nice to be asked how I'm doing, or to have my Mom want to talk about it. I still need to talk about it. My SeaStar has been a God-send. More than she will ever understand. She lets me talk and cry and talk some more. She is the best sister on the planet. I am beyond lucky to have her.

So, Saturday, we were back to normal. Big family thing - we bought a Family Membership to the Science Center of Iowa and the Blank Park Zoo. It was our big expenditure, but we're doing it in lieu of Adventureland passes this year. We spent about 3 hours at the Science Center Saturday, and then Shannon and I ran errands all over West Des Moines after we dropped the boys at home. It was really rough for me. I'm not sure if I overdid it, or what, but I was in a lot of pain with the worst cramps since labor with Weston, and it was the absolute worst day since surgery. It was so bad that I thought this was all over after it. I was wrong, but nothing has been as bad as Saturday. So, I hope that means that I am healing well.

Last night I didn't go to bed as early as I had hoped (Darned husband got me hooked on the Walking Dead.) But I dreamed a lot last night. A LOT. I dreamt that it was April 2nd. The day of my 3 week Post-op check up. And I was pregnant again. Just newly discovered. And I was afraid that my doctor was going to be so mad at us. And I was so worried that this was too soon, that we were asking for another miscarriage. The kicker? The whole time that I am dreaming about this, in the dream I am wondering how I could even be pregnant at all - it's only 2 weeks from tomorrow, how is that time enough for this to happen? So in my head in the dream, I am worried about a supernatural pregnancy on top of an impending miscarriage and an angry doctor. Wow... Freud would have a blast with that one... I can just hear him (think back to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure for the Freud in my head) -
    "Oh! I zeenk zat you are hazing zee issues of zee babies... ."
See, even the awake stuff running through my head is a bit crazy, so the dream stuff has to be so much more entertaining. :) I hear from the message boards that I belong too, that dreams are normal, even weird guilty dreams.

Obviously, my mind is on babies. In an almost desperate way. I feel more like I did when we struggling with infertility the first time around - jealous and angry and mad at all of the pregnant women and girls around me. A great sense of unfairness. I realize that this is all a part of grieving. I've been told to accept my sadness and anger and everything I feel and to actually recognize it for what it is, grief. And I am trying. I really am. Scott looks at me and asks me if I'm ok, what's wrong, etc. And I'm just wallowing in my feelings. I'm trying to be normal, and for a little while, I am. But sometimes, I just fall back into the wallowing. And apparently, this is normal too.

I am normal. All the time. I just have to accept that for myself. I'm working on it.

understanding the unfairness of the blessings

It's been exactly one week since we received the most devastating news that we could have imagined as a couple. Or maybe in Scott's case, he never could imagine it. As he said:

• We've been struggling. We lost the house, my mom got sick, our fertility issues - trying for over a year, having surgery, following the schedule. When we got pregnant, we should have been great. I'm the healthiest I've been in years. This should have been it.

And it feels like he's right. In the Grand Scheme of Things, we deserved this baby. Our family deserved this baby. Our son deserves to be a big brother. This isn't the way our life was supposed to go. We try to be good people and do what we're supposed to do. We try and try and try. And it does feel like we just can't win sometimes. It feels mostly unfair as I am walking next to a pair of teenage sisters at Target, one about 16, the other a few years younger. And the 16 yr old is very pregnant. And she's complaining about everything. And her younger sister is talking to her about how to get child support from the father. Blah, blah, blah. It took everything in me to pull the cart over and to let them walk away. They were in their own little crisis at the moment, and while it compared nothing to mine, it was everything to them. But that didn't mean that I had to hear about it. Or tell them to shut the "F" up because my baby had died, and she was just a stupid kid. (Do you see now why I stopped? It's safer for everyone.)

But this is the way that life is. It's unpredictable and unfair. It's messy and complicated and exhilarating and excruciating. It's magical and terrifying all at once. Life is complicated. Life doesn't follow any plans.

But Life can be so beautiful. Even a tiny little life that physically didn't amount to more than a cluster of human cells and tissue. That little life gave us all something so important. That little spark gave it's parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends a glimmer at a different future. It brought hope and we grew to love this tiny life that only existed to a handful of people. But see? That's the point. This tiny little life existed. It grew from a single cellular experience into something magnificent.

I had doubts from the moment I found out I was pregnant. It was too fabulous to believe. And when the tests came back with such faint pink lines, I thought, "See. I'm not really pregnant. I don't get to have this." They kept telling me, any line is a positive line. I spent weeks, three to be exact, waiting for my period every time I went to the bathroom. I was so used to being disappointed month after month, that it never seemed real enough. I didn't feel "pregnant." I felt exhausted and nauseous. The last two weeks of this pregnancy, my symptoms were a lot worse - much more tired, potty breaks all the time, more food aversions, body changes - I thought that I needed to listen to my body more - I was pregnant. Everyone said I was, even  my dreams. I was dreaming of twins all the time. So, I pondered baby names, we went shopping, I was telling more people. But I still had doubts. I kept telling myself that once we had the ultrasound, everything would be great. The biggest surprise would be twins. Everything will be great, and I will finally feel 100% ok.

As we sat in the waiting room for the ultrasound, 1 week ago today, Scott was reading the paper, nervous but excited looking. Everyone was so excited when we checked in, the receptionists, the tech. We waited for about 20 minutes and I was so nervous. We went back with the tech, the lights were low, and she tried too find anything with the regular ultrasound. I thought this was strange since I was only 8 weeks and a few days, and oh yeah, I'm not thin. After finally progressing to the internal ultrasound, she kept focusing on not-baby things like my ovaries, and other things. And then she just said that the sac is empty. And it happens a lot. and blah blah blah. I kept thinking, is she allowed to be telling me this? Shouldn't a doctor be in here? But she just kept talking all hyper and positive, like she had a Red Bull over lunch with her ice cream cone. Scott had no idea what she was talking about, because she didn't talk to him. I had to tell my husband that there wasn't a baby. And through the doctor consult and the family weekend, I kept saying, "There isn't a baby. It didn't grow. There was never a baby."

But I was wrong.

There was a baby. And it grew. It grew from one single cell, from 2 loving parents who wanted it so badly. Our tiny Spark grew as long as it could - 5 weeks and 3 days. That was as long as our Spark could make it. It's not enough. It will never be enough. But it's still something. And something is more than nothing. Our Spark was something to everyone who knew about it. And we won't forget.

Life... lives, pure and simple. Life is to be experienced. Life in any form is a blessing. Our tiny little Spark of life was a blessing. A Blessing of hope and the love between Scott and I; a blessing of the love of a family.

I was given a handwritten note from one of our workplace chaplains. (Yes, 2 chaplains visit my office each week, offering their guidance or just some chatting.) Anyway, it said that I would one day hold my baby in my arms in Heaven. At that moment, that seemed like a ridiculous thing to say. How could I hold something that was tinier than anything in my arms? Would I know if it were a son or a daughter? Would it be neither? I was a little freaked out. But then I could see myself... and I was holding our Spark. Like a little orb of light that emitted warmth. Just this little Spark of life the could fit into the palm of my hand. I like the thought of that. Of being able to hold our Spark, and being warmed once again by the warmth of its light.

she lied

The recovery nurse who said that things wouldn't get any worse than yesterday morning lied. She was wrong.

I’m getting worse by the day.

Yesterday I felt good. Little to no cramping, not even really any after affects. I worked all day, was a little emotional in the afternoon, but I was ok.

Then Weston and I went to Target. And he took forever. And I started to get really tired and a little crampy. I tried to hurry him along. We were doing pretty good together. But then he got mad when I wouldn’t get him a movie from the checkout end cap (after agreeing to a $5 movie and a toy using his Valentine’s money.) I told him he could get the toy or the movie, only 1. And that was the melt down. “I don’t love you, Mommy. I only love Daddy.” Whining and anger and fighting in the checkout. So… I put the movie back, got him the toy, checked out, and dragged him out of the store. (Dragged by the hand, which he held onto, so I guess that doesn't count as dragging, right?) I was crying by the time I got to the car. That freaked him out, which made me cry harder. I couldn’t stop. 

•  “I didn’t know Mommies and Daddies could cry.” 

Um, yeah you did, you've seen it before. Anyway, it was a rough night. Weston kept asking if I was still sad, which I was, terribly, but I smiled for him as best as I could manage. I started cramping very badly around 8pm, and was up until midnight with a heating pad and ibuprofen, because these were the only meds the medical staff told me I could take. I woke up again at 4:20am in so much pain that I couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:50am, finally dragging myself out of bed at 6:30. So, now I am so tired that I can’t control the emotions. I feel like an over-tired baby that just cries and cries until the cry themselves to sleep. Except I can't cry or go to sleep because I have to work. I miss benefits like sick time and more than 64 hours a year for PTO - you know, companies that value family and women. That would be nice. 

I'm on the lookout for ways to grieve other than crying. And something to help my husband. Any ideas? Comment and let me know.

the last day of my second pregnancy

Mercy Medical Center

Yesterday started out like a normal snow day... I couldn't sleep and was worried about Weston getting to school on time. I rushed through my shower, wanting to be as fresh for surgery as possible. And then Weston wanted me to go with them to daycare. The roads in Altoona were so bad that we thought we'd need to leave early for the hospital. We didn't, it took 8 minutes to get to Mercy. The difference between the Des Moines road crews, and Altoona's lack of road anything.

My view for 3 hours - hospital socks

We got to the hospital by 9:30, and were in pre-op by 10am. And had all the blood work, IV, EKG, etc done by 10:45. Then everything got pushed back. thank goodness for WiFi, my iPhone, Facebook, and the generosity of my friend Jessica for messaging me while waiting. I waited so long, I got visited and checked in by 2 anesthesiologists! Which was actually a great thing. I have problems with anesthesia, and while it's been ok lately, this doctor was able to pull my anesthesia records from Oct. 2007 and see what was done so well that time. I was taken back at 1:15. Great OR staff, super nice and considerate, helped keep me covered all the time. It faintly smelled like McDonald's in there - not kidding, like a Big Mac. The surgery went pretty fast. Scott had spoken with my OB by 2pm, and was grabbing lunch (McDonald's of course) while I was the surgical recovery bay. I had some breathing issues in recovery- every time I fell back asleep, my O2 levels would drop. Oops. Once I woke up more and coughed, that got better. In fact, every time the alarms went off, I focused on my breathing, and things perked right up. I had to go to the bathroom from the moment I woke up in the recovery bay- which the nurses loved since it proved that everything was in working order.

poor waiting husband
- 3 hours wait pre-op

I was moved to the post-op chair around 3:15pm, and Scott was with me by 3:20. I was good by then. Bathroom break done, drinking fluids, dressed and wheeled to the door by 3:45. Home by 4:05. This recovery was a lot easier. No big pain meds, no nausea, and I could eat as soon as I got home. Thank God for Ramen Noodles.
Nothing too bad in the after effects either.

I didn't get a lot of rest... Slept maybe 15 mins after I got home, before Weston and then Shannon were there. One of our daycare moms sent dinner home with us, so I had to heat that up. We didn't realize it was frozen, so they had garlic bread and brownies before Swim Lessons. Yes, she sent Brownies and Bread with a pasta casserole. Because she is a woman, and she is amazing and considerate.
On the note of Swimming Lessons - I missed them, but Weston passed Beginner 2 and is ready for Intermediate 3!!! Woo-hoo! We heard that it sometimes takes 2 tries to pass!!!

I was in bed by 10:15pm. 
I was really crampy  and my breasts hurt so bad that I almost cried when I went to sleep, and they woke me up again and again until about 1 am... But the cramps are no worse than a period. I'm hoping it stays that way. It's how I was after Weston's c-section. The Surgical Recovery nurse called this morning, and she said that it actually shouldn't get any worse than it is.

Scott's not doing too well. He's very emotional. As he deserves to be. But I'm not sure how to help him. I feel like I am not emotional enough in comparison to him. And maybe it's because I had a Murphy's Law feeling for all but the last 2 weeks? I didn't say anything because so many people were so excited. And it was so easy to fall into their excitement. I started shopping in the last 2 weeks - I bought a diaper bag, and looked at bottles and car seats and strollers. I was getting so excited at this baby. But for Scott - Scott was in it from Day 1. He told his family, everyone at work - so this is hitting him pretty hard. He didn't understand what the tech was telling us at first. I had to explain it all to him. Many many times.

the beautiful flowers
from our daycare family

 I'm just trying to let him do what he needs to do - even if it's hug and kiss me, and constantly tell me how much he loves me. Right now... I am very sensitive to touching, I don't like to be touched when I'm in pain, physical or emotional, and I strike out. I am doing everything I can to not do that. To accept what he needs to give. To make him feel better. Friday afternoon at the doctor's office, he kept telling me how sorry he was and touching me. I was a little mean. When we got out of the office, I apologized and then explained that I was trying not to cry in front of an office full of happy pregnant women. When we got away and by the car, I broke down and just sobbed, holding onto to him for dear life. I have no idea if I've ever cried like that in front of him. When my Mom got sick, there was hope. I cried, but I had hope. It was an uncontrollable soft cry, tears falling, nothing I could do to stop them, the tear faucet was on. This wasn't hope. It was death. Our second baby had died before it even got to live... it was never even a fetus. It wasn't really a baby to anyone but the 2 of us, and to some of our family. There just isn't anything to be done but sob and be sad.

the face of post-miscarriage

I had to tell the boss this morning, in case I had to go home today. He just looked shocked, and maybe it's because I never told them I was pregnant. I had to tell the 2 guys who figured it out. That was rough, one of them was very sad. And I had to tell someone else who was joking about my long weekend. I was kind of short with him, and I felt horrible about it. They have been so kind that it made me so emotional. My tear faucet has wanted to leak all day.

I've already been called by the recovery team at the hospital. I called my OB and changed my appt to their Ankeny office (I forgot there was an office 10 mins from my work.) I called my fertility specialist and left a message with the updated information. Dr. Cooper called back personally. He is so kind and just great. We talked about things, how it's common even in normal women without fertility issues to have 40-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that we did nothing wrong. And how healthy my recovery sounds. He said we could go back to trying after 1 normal cycle. (My OB said 2... we'll see.) I left a message with my family doctor as well, since he handles my diabetic care. Maybe I should have stayed home to make phone calls.

I'm feeling dazed and teary now, but I'm at work. I'll leave early if I need to, though as the day goes on, it's getting better. I'm feeling fine - other than a scratchy sore throat from the breathing tubes during surgery. Hot tea is helping that.

I am amazed at how many women this has happened to; how many never talk about it. It's a travesty. We could help each other. We should help each other. So many of these women have helped me, saved me. I hope to one day be able to help someone else - though I wish this on no one. Ever.

news...

Have you ever used Postagram? It's an App for my iPhone, maybe other smart phones, that takes a picture from your phone (usually the edited Instagram ones) and allows you to mail the photo as part of a post card. The little square photo pops right out for display. I used it for the first time to send a postcard to my grandparents in Texas with a photo of the great-grandkids in their Halloween costumes.

I like Postagram. Postcards are about $0.99 with postage, that's pretty inexpensive. In fact, I just sent 8 Postagrams yesterday to my and Scott's immediate family. Here's the picture:

get it?
(And don't my feet just look fabulous?!?)

Scott thinks it might be too subtle for some of his family, so I included the following message:

"We're keeping the secret a little longer but couldn't wait to tell you that Baby Jones is expected this Fall! - Anxiously awaiting our little bundle, Scott, Erin & Weston"

So yes... that's our news!!! It's still very, very early, so Weston doesn't really know and we haven't put anything up on Facebook. but the most important people will know in the next few weeks. We have an ultrasound on March 8th to make sure that everything is ok. And maybe after that I'll feel more comfortable sharing the news. I share here because I'm not sure very many people read this blog anymore. Shannon and the nurse both have said that I have no problem being pregnant, I just have a hard time getting pregnant. So I shouldn't worry so much. But I am. This just seems impossible sometimes. I still trying to get my head around it.

As for how I'm feeling, well, some days it's like nothing has changed. Other days, I feel achy and nauseous. mostly though, I am just plain exhausted. Just like my last pregnancy. I can fall asleep at any moment. Also - this baby has already decided that it doesn't like coffee. I had 3 different kinds last week (from 3 different places) and every time it tasted "off" - kind of like the wine tasting tinny at Thanksgiving 2007 (before I even knew I was pregnant with Weston.) The only thing I craved the last time was Coffee, and I've been drinking it ever since. But now... I'm drinking water and Kool-Aid. Even Caffeine-free pop doesn't make me as happy as the Kool-Aid. Can't complain about wanting water based drinks. My blood sugars are high, so I am watching my food to make sure I can control them, but I see insulin shots in my future.

Other than all of that, we are very happy. Very, very happy. :)

Wondering if this baby should also be called The Great Embryolio???

the Realm of Possibilities and Other Observances

So… this is going to be a different sort of post than the previous “Greatest Loves,” but I am still counting it as #5 - top of the list. Here we go:

Weston Christopher Jones, Age 4

My Greatest love is my children… I know that I should say my child, because it’s true: I only have one child - at this moment in time. Weston Christopher Jones turned 4 years old exactly at 6:02 pm, on July 31, 2012. His was a long, hard, overwhelming delivery. And you can read the 3 or 4 posts regarding those 36 hours here. But I digress.

 I said Children. It was never my intention to only have one child. I wanted 4 when I was a child myself. 3 wasn’t ideal, with one always being the odd one out (ask my brother and sister) – though 3 children + 2 parents makes a great family picture set up. And 2 children seemed too few – what if they didn’t get along? Then there weren’t any other options. Only children seemed different, and such a small family. So, 4 children seemed perfect- more than 3, and even number, blah blah blah.

But now? Now we’ve waited too long. We didn’t mean to. I mean, when you start having the “family” talk as a couple you throw out numbers and age differences, names and who you hope they look like. We you’re TTC (Trying To Conceive for those of you Fertile Myrtles out there who don’t have the fertility lingo down) you and the Husband start talking about just having 1 baby, and maybe if your lucky enough, planning the next one so they aren’t too close together, and you aren’t buying 2 sets of diapers, so 2-3 years apart.

And then… And then LIFE happens. The next thing you know, you are throwing your “baby’s” 4^th birthday party, realizing that he starts Kindergarten next year. OMG. He’s become an Only Child. The only thing I didn’t want.

I sat realizing that we hadn’t even thought about it. Not really. It was never the right time. How did this happen? My sister and I figured out a few things:

1. Mom got Cancer. We all lost about 2 years with that life-consuming bastard of a disease. It was always a life or death battle, finding time to think about more kids never really came up.
2. We lost (sold, but it was still a loss to us) our house; and moved into the apartment. This apartment has always been a place to stay, but never a home. I still haven’t unpacked. The thought of adding a baby to this is not what we wanted. Weston wished for grass and a yard last week. I almost burst into tears. I don’t know how to make it happen. I just don’t. But I know that I don’t want to raise my kids in this apartment.
3. Birth Control. Let me explain this one… I have been on super-high-dose (clinical term) birth control for 4 years. I have Endometriosis. This is what caused our infertility the first time around. By taking continuous doses of birth control (3 packages in a row to be exact) the hormones convince the Endometriosis not to grow. (The thought of getting pregnant to stop it from growing being the one thing that’s hard to do when you have Endometriosis. The irony is not lost on me.) Little did I know that these high doses of birth control pretty much killed my sex drive. I just thought that I was tired and married and in my 30s. Um… yes, yes, and yes – but I was still supposed to want sex. Good thing my sex drive resurfaced after months off the pills. (TMI - I know.)

So… we’re officially TTC. Again. I consulted with my OB at my appointment last year. It was decided to give my body 6 cycles au natural before looking at all the options. Suffice it to say – I am not pregnant. So, for the last two cycles I have been back on fertility drugs. Back to scheduling our encounters trying to avoid a 4 yr old in the process. Back to taking my temperature every morning and monitoring everything about, well about me. And back to the monthly blood tests. We have one more month of this before I am referred to a fertility specialist again. I’m not sure that I can do that again. But we’ll see. Oh! And on top of all the fertility stuff, my OB has left the practice and is moving to the NW United States. So I am in the middle of fertility confusion without my OB.

Sometimes I think that it would be ok to be a small family of 3. We have our routine down. Sort of. 
But then I didn't get pregnant. Not that I expected to quickly, I'd been on birth control for almost 4 years. But I was surprised at how sad and depressed I was when it didn't happen after the first round of fertility meds. I don't know why it affected me so much. But somehow, I just thought it would be easier this time around. And it's not. And that when I start thinking that we should just be happy with what we've been given. Weston's conception and birth were a miracle to us. Shouldn't we be happy with that?
But then I think of the “What Ifs.” What if something happened to Scott or Me? We would only have Weston to remind us of each other. What if something happened to both of us? Weston would be all alone. And there is a special bond between siblings. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we’re best friends. That’s a bond I want my children to have – the bond of someone having the same existence in a closed little world, of loving the same people and pets and places.

So… this post has taken a different turn than I intended. I intended it to be about my love for Weston. How he is just so fascinating and enlightening and logical and both a joy and a devastation depending upon his feelings (of which he has tons.) But this post just grew from somewhere else I guess. I started it back in mid July, so it’s a work of love.

2012

Here’s what’s happened this summer –

• Mom’s leukemia came back in her elbow only. She underwent 12 rounds of radiation, and it’s still exhausting for her. But she will beat this. I know it. And I said so. I had the best talk with mom on the phone last week. It was almost like she was her pre-cancer self. I miss my pre-cancer talks with my mom.
• As mentioned, Weston turned 4 years old with a spectacularly chilly and rainy party at the Union Park Splash Pool – in the middle of a summer drought with 100+ degree temps. Go figure.
• Scott and I didn’t celebrate, but more acknowledged our 10^th Anniversary together. 10 years ago on June 28^th, we met and sparked some interest. 10 years ago on July 22^nd, we had our first (and most spectacular public) kiss in Cherokee. And 10 yrs ago in the middle of the night on August 3^rd or 4^th, we became “official.” It’s unbelievable to think that I have spent almost 1/3 of my life with this man. I love him more than he knows. And I hope we have many, many more decades together.
• Shannon graduated with her Master’s Degree in Social Work in May, and then spent the summer trying to find employment. It was hard on all of us, but she found the perfect position as the School Based Therapist for the high school students in the West Des Moines district through Orchard Place. We’re all so proud of her.
• Oh! And we welcomed a new cousin. Kaitlyn Sophia Stanley was born on July 19^th (the same day as her Dad and Grandma.) She is Scott’s first cousin Troy and his wife Jackie’s first baby. Everyone has waited a long time for her, and she is as beautiful as a baby can be.
• We also found out that Scott and I are going to be a Great Uncle & Aunt. Scott’s nephew (and my former drinking buddy) Jeremy and his wife Charlie are expecting in March. This is very exciting since it’s the first new niece or nephew on that side for me. (The others are between 3 and 18 years old, and we never seem to see the youngest ones. Oh, family drama that isn’t our fault.) We are super excited for this little baby.

That about covers it, I think. I hope to post more frequently. I just don’t like being on the computer much at home.But I do hope that this blog helped someone out there. Infertility is still such a touchy issue for some people. But it seems like it's plaguing my entire generation.

"Oh No You Dih-ent, Girlfriend!"

The second great love of my life is actually a group, and that group can be divided into 3 parts. Let’s get started:

Some girls play better with boys; some pair up with one girl in particular, some belong to a pack of girls. -heck, some kids have so many siblings and close cousins that they don’t even need to look out of their family to find a playmate. I’m not that girl. I’m a Girls Girl. Ok, I take that back, I’m a Girls Girl with the token boy. I’ve always been friends with the girls, and then usually had one boy that I was close too. I can even list the boys:

Mayport Elementary: Jeffery from the Bronx by way of the US Navy

Navy Point Elementary: Chris (kind of a whiny, sickly Momma’s boy)

Horace Mann Elementary: Chris Dinning

Lyons Middle School: Chris Dinning/Andy Grotelueschen

Clinton High School: Andy Grotelueschen & Chris Swales

(Anyone notice the abundance of Christophers in my world? Even my Dad is a “Chris.”)

Drake University: Kevin McLane until Sophomore/Junior year

Age 20-23: Matt Kiel

Age 23-29: Jason Taylor

And since Jason and I parted ways… Scott has more than picked up the slack.

You would think this constant testosterone presence in my world would help in my relations with the opposite sex, but as you read about Pete Walker, it obviously didn’t.

Part 1.

The most important part of a girl’s childhood is her friends. Whether it’s one or ten, a child needs a friend. And I have always been lucky enough to have friends. Being a child on the move with the US Navy, if I didn't make friends quickly, it was a long 3 years. So, I was talkative and loud, I made people notice me. (See the confidence issue in the last post.) As a child, this wasn’t a bad thing, and I collected some pretty great friends.

Sue, Anousha, & Beth as my bridesmaids, 10/30/08

I started my Iowa collection in the 5^th grade when we moved here. I met Beth at the back of the 5^th grade band bus that transported us from our separate elementary schools to Lyons Middle School for band practice. She looked cherubic with her round face surrounded by a mass of perfect strawberry-gold curls. She played the flute for a year, and we didn’t talk much, she seemed snobbish. We were in the same class at the start of sixth grade and we fought back and forth for the next three years for control of our group. We would be best friends and worst enemies at the same time. We were the original Frenemies. 
I met Anousha in the 6th grade. She sat behind me in Mrs. Streba's class. I was amazed that she had 2 adult older sisters, and a little sister about Shannon's age. We became great friends, and by high school, Anousha was my best friend.  
Beth brought Sue into our group-ish in the 9th grade. They had gone to parochial school together before Beth joined the public schools in the 3rd grade. Sue was a thespian, so she hung out with the theatre crowd, but she blended so well with so many people. 
There were other girls, and my teens years wouldn't have been the same without them and thanks to Facebook, we've reconnected. But Beth, Anousha and Sue are the most important women from my childhood. I was Beth's Maid of Honor, all three of them were in my wedding. Whenever anything big has happened in my life, these women were a part of it. I love them dearly. Don't get me wrong, we've had serious problems, mostly caused by living so far apart: Beth is in Maryland, Sue is in west Texas, and Anousha is in LA. That's the hardest part. Sue and I talk regularly, and I think we are the closest now. But I know that if I ever need anything or just want to talk, they will all be there for me. I've had these girls in my life since I was 10 years old. How many people can say that?
Part 2.

Chi O sisters at my 2008 wedding: Katie, April, Marci, Brandy,
& Melissa

I joined a sorority my first semester in college. I am proud to say that I am a Chi Omega, that I am part of the 2nd largest Women's organization in the world (next to the Girl Scouts, and I was one of those too.) I am also proud to say that I paid for my sisters. I love these women as much as I do my friends from home. I became an adult with these women. I fell in love with these women cheering me on. These women serenaded me at my wedding. I found Myself with these women by my side. Weston was wanted by these women as much as he was wanted by our families. They were at the hospital, and he was welcomed into our group from the very beginning. For the full story, look here. But suffice it to say, 14 years later I am still seeing these women as much as we can. And I love them too.


Part 3. 
Part 3 consists of the women I have made my friends during adulthood. Mainly they consist of 3 women who I can't see my life without. I met Jess when I first started working at Damon's Grill when I was 20 years old. She was 6 months older than me, but already married and with a small son. She seemed so confident, empowered. I was amazed by her confidence. I taught her how to wear skirts and how to enjoy being a girl. She taught me how to be confident enough to go to Walmart in my jammie pants without makeup. She helped me to love myself. She introduced me to Scott. I love her like a sister. We live too far away now, but that doesn't matter at all. 
Jean was just a young girl when we met at the construction of the Lowe's in Altoona. She likes to joke that she knew me before I was married. Jean was the popular, beautiful, cheerleader from the good suburb. But inside, Jean is a fat girl trapped in a skinny body. She is Donna Reed 50 years later. (I wonder if she knows who Donna Reed is?) Jean and I bonded at Lowe's, and I brought her to Onthank when a spot came open. This is the first time in almost 8 years that I haven't spent my working day with Jean. She's one of my closest friends. And it doesn't hurt that her son Drew is 7 days older than Weston.

Danell, Shannon, and I at Wicked, 2011

Danell is the wife of a former co-worker. I like Adam, but I love Danell. She is so happy and full of life. Being around her just brightens my day. Her youngest son is only 6 days older than Weston. That helped to bond us together. But in all honesty, I think Danell and I were always meant to be friends. Without the kids, and husbands, we'd still be friends.

These woman have made me the person I am today. I would be greatly lacking if even one of them were missing from my life, and the fact that they all are present in my life is a testament to our love for each other. And my husband understands that I need my girl time. Which just makes me love him more, because he cares for these women too, and he sees the bond that we share.