the wait until my next ultrasound is killing me. Literally. I can't take it. We have another 10 days. July 2nd. 2pm. can not come fast enough.
It's been exactly one week since we found out that our pregnancy was not only healthy and viable, but a double blessing of twins. And it feels so right. Like it was always like this. It's not as shocking to me as it is to everyone else. I don't know why.
Scott's still not into talking too much about Baby Names. I'm collecting a list... this is going to be tough. but so amazing!!!
It's the weekend. More specifically, it's Garage Sale weekend. I'm spending the night at my SeaStar's house in her amazing bed. Can't wait. But we have so much to do before 7am tomorrow morning. :)
The high for tomorrow is 95*, I really want to be done by noon.
Have a Happy Weekend!!!
June 21, 2013
June 19, 2013
here we go!
Yesterday, with the encouragement of my sister and the blessing of my husband, I bought a Prenatal Doppler on eBay.
With this handheld device, we should be able to hear our babies' heartbeats at home.
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| FDA approved Sonoline B Prenatal Heart Listener/Detector |
This makes me both excited and so nervous that I could be sick. What if we don't hear anything? Or we only hear one of them? Is it better to know?
So... I have been having some lower-tummy trouble today. Not sure if it's food related or gas or something worse. I find myself praying a lot more that I've ever prayed.
I am so scared that something is going to happen to our babies. That our fortune has just been too good to be true. I told our Workplace Chaplain, Jackie. She has encircled me with a prayer circle. I am not taking any chances.
Cross your fingers for me... To bring me peace.
June 14, 2013
So Blessed!!!
So our first ultrasound was today. And it was so stressful. I was so worried. I practically made myself sick.
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound.
I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.
She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!
Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.
Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)
We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound.
I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.
She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!
Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.
Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)
We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)
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| Our new Babies. A & B. or Top and Bottom :) |
June 13, 2013
Anxiety
Right now, I wish I had some Nutella... or a pile of Rolos. Or even a Snickers mini.
I've hit that point in the afternoon where I am usually digging through my purse for loose change. I'm getting hungry (again) and a little heartburn (again) and a little nauseous (again.) This happens at least 4 times a day. And never at the same time. It's worse in the morning. And because I take such a late lunch (around 1:15pm) it hits twice. I hold off until at least 9am, and then again at 11am. Yogurt and watermelon are this week's faves. But in the afternoon... all I want is chocolate. Damned vending machine, it sits there and whispers my name. Today, I could only find $0.55. So, I broke out the saltines... suck on them until the nausea abides (which it hasn't yet.) Now do you see why I'd love some Nutella? With the salt? OMG.
So... I also get heartburn when I'm having an anxiety attack. And I've been building one all day. The ultrasound is tomorrow. What if there isn't a baby again? What do we do? What if I don't have enough emotion left, or I don't show the right emotions?
My friend, Jess asked me last weekend if this pregnancy felt better than the last time. I didn't know what to say. They symptoms are different. This one is more like the little I can remember from my pregnancy with Weston. Or maybe I am seeing similarities to protect my heart. I just know that it isn't anything like the last one. That one was so extreme in almost every aspect. But the truth is, I can't remember. And when it comes to feeling anything inside of me... I don't. And I know it's early, but I feel like I should "feel" something, anything.
I am so scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.
I've hit that point in the afternoon where I am usually digging through my purse for loose change. I'm getting hungry (again) and a little heartburn (again) and a little nauseous (again.) This happens at least 4 times a day. And never at the same time. It's worse in the morning. And because I take such a late lunch (around 1:15pm) it hits twice. I hold off until at least 9am, and then again at 11am. Yogurt and watermelon are this week's faves. But in the afternoon... all I want is chocolate. Damned vending machine, it sits there and whispers my name. Today, I could only find $0.55. So, I broke out the saltines... suck on them until the nausea abides (which it hasn't yet.) Now do you see why I'd love some Nutella? With the salt? OMG.
So... I also get heartburn when I'm having an anxiety attack. And I've been building one all day. The ultrasound is tomorrow. What if there isn't a baby again? What do we do? What if I don't have enough emotion left, or I don't show the right emotions?
My friend, Jess asked me last weekend if this pregnancy felt better than the last time. I didn't know what to say. They symptoms are different. This one is more like the little I can remember from my pregnancy with Weston. Or maybe I am seeing similarities to protect my heart. I just know that it isn't anything like the last one. That one was so extreme in almost every aspect. But the truth is, I can't remember. And when it comes to feeling anything inside of me... I don't. And I know it's early, but I feel like I should "feel" something, anything.
I am so scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.
June 11, 2013
they listen...
Weston and I went to dinner with the Chi O Girls last night at the Cheesecake Factory in
the mall.
Jayme guessed my news by my lack of caffeine and we told Melissa. April already knew because she found a picture of a test on my phone about 3 weeks ago. ;)
They were all beyond happy and so encouraging.
Dinner was ok. This pregnancy doesn't like cheese. Especially cheddar. So my dinner last night was just ok. I'm wishing that I'd gotten the Chicken Bellagio - mainly so I'd have lunch today.
Anyway, April needed to find some baby jeans for her daughter, since it's been so cold lately. So, we were in Baby Gap, and all the way at the back of the store is the clearance section and Maternity section. Weston became obsessed with the maternity mannequins. He kept rubbing their bellies and lifting up their shirts and I had to explain what they were. Then he asked where the babies were, and we told him that they were just pretend to see how the clothes looked, etc.
On our way out of the store, Weston stops at the door, turns to me and asks, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
We about died. April and I kept trying to change the subject, "Let's go to the next store! Have you seen these shoes yet?" He tried 3 more times before we had him distracted enough not to answer.
Today though - I wonder if he was calling me fat or if he really is clairvoyant. does my belly look like the mannequin's already? I don't know which is worse?!?
But all-in-all, it was a hilarious night.
Jayme guessed my news by my lack of caffeine and we told Melissa. April already knew because she found a picture of a test on my phone about 3 weeks ago. ;)
They were all beyond happy and so encouraging.
Dinner was ok. This pregnancy doesn't like cheese. Especially cheddar. So my dinner last night was just ok. I'm wishing that I'd gotten the Chicken Bellagio - mainly so I'd have lunch today.
Anyway, April needed to find some baby jeans for her daughter, since it's been so cold lately. So, we were in Baby Gap, and all the way at the back of the store is the clearance section and Maternity section. Weston became obsessed with the maternity mannequins. He kept rubbing their bellies and lifting up their shirts and I had to explain what they were. Then he asked where the babies were, and we told him that they were just pretend to see how the clothes looked, etc.
On our way out of the store, Weston stops at the door, turns to me and asks, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
We about died. April and I kept trying to change the subject, "Let's go to the next store! Have you seen these shoes yet?" He tried 3 more times before we had him distracted enough not to answer.
Today though - I wonder if he was calling me fat or if he really is clairvoyant. does my belly look like the mannequin's already? I don't know which is worse?!?
But all-in-all, it was a hilarious night.
June 7, 2013
a note from the Grouch...
"Why are you mad all tonight, Mommy?"
This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."
Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.
This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?
So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.
So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.
And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?
This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."
Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.
This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?
So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.
So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.
And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?
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