she lied

The recovery nurse who said that things wouldn't get any worse than yesterday morning lied. She was wrong.

I’m getting worse by the day.

Yesterday I felt good. Little to no cramping, not even really any after affects. I worked all day, was a little emotional in the afternoon, but I was ok.

Then Weston and I went to Target. And he took forever. And I started to get really tired and a little crampy. I tried to hurry him along. We were doing pretty good together. But then he got mad when I wouldn’t get him a movie from the checkout end cap (after agreeing to a $5 movie and a toy using his Valentine’s money.) I told him he could get the toy or the movie, only 1. And that was the melt down. “I don’t love you, Mommy. I only love Daddy.” Whining and anger and fighting in the checkout. So… I put the movie back, got him the toy, checked out, and dragged him out of the store. (Dragged by the hand, which he held onto, so I guess that doesn't count as dragging, right?) I was crying by the time I got to the car. That freaked him out, which made me cry harder. I couldn’t stop. 

•  “I didn’t know Mommies and Daddies could cry.” 

Um, yeah you did, you've seen it before. Anyway, it was a rough night. Weston kept asking if I was still sad, which I was, terribly, but I smiled for him as best as I could manage. I started cramping very badly around 8pm, and was up until midnight with a heating pad and ibuprofen, because these were the only meds the medical staff told me I could take. I woke up again at 4:20am in so much pain that I couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:50am, finally dragging myself out of bed at 6:30. So, now I am so tired that I can’t control the emotions. I feel like an over-tired baby that just cries and cries until the cry themselves to sleep. Except I can't cry or go to sleep because I have to work. I miss benefits like sick time and more than 64 hours a year for PTO - you know, companies that value family and women. That would be nice. 

I'm on the lookout for ways to grieve other than crying. And something to help my husband. Any ideas? Comment and let me know.

the last day of my second pregnancy

Mercy Medical Center

Yesterday started out like a normal snow day... I couldn't sleep and was worried about Weston getting to school on time. I rushed through my shower, wanting to be as fresh for surgery as possible. And then Weston wanted me to go with them to daycare. The roads in Altoona were so bad that we thought we'd need to leave early for the hospital. We didn't, it took 8 minutes to get to Mercy. The difference between the Des Moines road crews, and Altoona's lack of road anything.

My view for 3 hours - hospital socks

We got to the hospital by 9:30, and were in pre-op by 10am. And had all the blood work, IV, EKG, etc done by 10:45. Then everything got pushed back. thank goodness for WiFi, my iPhone, Facebook, and the generosity of my friend Jessica for messaging me while waiting. I waited so long, I got visited and checked in by 2 anesthesiologists! Which was actually a great thing. I have problems with anesthesia, and while it's been ok lately, this doctor was able to pull my anesthesia records from Oct. 2007 and see what was done so well that time. I was taken back at 1:15. Great OR staff, super nice and considerate, helped keep me covered all the time. It faintly smelled like McDonald's in there - not kidding, like a Big Mac. The surgery went pretty fast. Scott had spoken with my OB by 2pm, and was grabbing lunch (McDonald's of course) while I was the surgical recovery bay. I had some breathing issues in recovery- every time I fell back asleep, my O2 levels would drop. Oops. Once I woke up more and coughed, that got better. In fact, every time the alarms went off, I focused on my breathing, and things perked right up. I had to go to the bathroom from the moment I woke up in the recovery bay- which the nurses loved since it proved that everything was in working order.

poor waiting husband
- 3 hours wait pre-op

I was moved to the post-op chair around 3:15pm, and Scott was with me by 3:20. I was good by then. Bathroom break done, drinking fluids, dressed and wheeled to the door by 3:45. Home by 4:05. This recovery was a lot easier. No big pain meds, no nausea, and I could eat as soon as I got home. Thank God for Ramen Noodles.
Nothing too bad in the after effects either.

I didn't get a lot of rest... Slept maybe 15 mins after I got home, before Weston and then Shannon were there. One of our daycare moms sent dinner home with us, so I had to heat that up. We didn't realize it was frozen, so they had garlic bread and brownies before Swim Lessons. Yes, she sent Brownies and Bread with a pasta casserole. Because she is a woman, and she is amazing and considerate.
On the note of Swimming Lessons - I missed them, but Weston passed Beginner 2 and is ready for Intermediate 3!!! Woo-hoo! We heard that it sometimes takes 2 tries to pass!!!

I was in bed by 10:15pm. 
I was really crampy  and my breasts hurt so bad that I almost cried when I went to sleep, and they woke me up again and again until about 1 am... But the cramps are no worse than a period. I'm hoping it stays that way. It's how I was after Weston's c-section. The Surgical Recovery nurse called this morning, and she said that it actually shouldn't get any worse than it is.

Scott's not doing too well. He's very emotional. As he deserves to be. But I'm not sure how to help him. I feel like I am not emotional enough in comparison to him. And maybe it's because I had a Murphy's Law feeling for all but the last 2 weeks? I didn't say anything because so many people were so excited. And it was so easy to fall into their excitement. I started shopping in the last 2 weeks - I bought a diaper bag, and looked at bottles and car seats and strollers. I was getting so excited at this baby. But for Scott - Scott was in it from Day 1. He told his family, everyone at work - so this is hitting him pretty hard. He didn't understand what the tech was telling us at first. I had to explain it all to him. Many many times.

the beautiful flowers
from our daycare family

 I'm just trying to let him do what he needs to do - even if it's hug and kiss me, and constantly tell me how much he loves me. Right now... I am very sensitive to touching, I don't like to be touched when I'm in pain, physical or emotional, and I strike out. I am doing everything I can to not do that. To accept what he needs to give. To make him feel better. Friday afternoon at the doctor's office, he kept telling me how sorry he was and touching me. I was a little mean. When we got out of the office, I apologized and then explained that I was trying not to cry in front of an office full of happy pregnant women. When we got away and by the car, I broke down and just sobbed, holding onto to him for dear life. I have no idea if I've ever cried like that in front of him. When my Mom got sick, there was hope. I cried, but I had hope. It was an uncontrollable soft cry, tears falling, nothing I could do to stop them, the tear faucet was on. This wasn't hope. It was death. Our second baby had died before it even got to live... it was never even a fetus. It wasn't really a baby to anyone but the 2 of us, and to some of our family. There just isn't anything to be done but sob and be sad.

the face of post-miscarriage

I had to tell the boss this morning, in case I had to go home today. He just looked shocked, and maybe it's because I never told them I was pregnant. I had to tell the 2 guys who figured it out. That was rough, one of them was very sad. And I had to tell someone else who was joking about my long weekend. I was kind of short with him, and I felt horrible about it. They have been so kind that it made me so emotional. My tear faucet has wanted to leak all day.

I've already been called by the recovery team at the hospital. I called my OB and changed my appt to their Ankeny office (I forgot there was an office 10 mins from my work.) I called my fertility specialist and left a message with the updated information. Dr. Cooper called back personally. He is so kind and just great. We talked about things, how it's common even in normal women without fertility issues to have 40-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that we did nothing wrong. And how healthy my recovery sounds. He said we could go back to trying after 1 normal cycle. (My OB said 2... we'll see.) I left a message with my family doctor as well, since he handles my diabetic care. Maybe I should have stayed home to make phone calls.

I'm feeling dazed and teary now, but I'm at work. I'll leave early if I need to, though as the day goes on, it's getting better. I'm feeling fine - other than a scratchy sore throat from the breathing tubes during surgery. Hot tea is helping that.

I am amazed at how many women this has happened to; how many never talk about it. It's a travesty. We could help each other. We should help each other. So many of these women have helped me, saved me. I hope to one day be able to help someone else - though I wish this on no one. Ever.

Surgery Results...

I met with Dr. Cooper on Nov. 30th.

I am healing just fine. Everything looks good.

Results: I had a lot of adhesions and scar tissue from my last laproscopy and the C-Section from my 2008 pregnancy. So, incisions had to be changed. While inside, Dr. Cooper removed what adhesions, etc. that he needed to move. My liver looks great. (Always a good thing for diabetics!)

In regards to the Endometriosis, there wasn't as much present as there was during the first surgery five years ago. Which I thought was great. That was all removed as well. But Dr. Cooper explained something - just a small amount can destroy my fertility. Basically, there was a study done. fluid was taken from the reproductive areas of 3 women. One had Stage 3 Endometriosis, another had Stage 1, and the 3rd was normal and healthy - no Endometriosis. 3 healthy, normal eggs were placed in the different fluids and fertilization was attempted. The egg in healthy, normal fluid fertilized without concern. The Endometriosis eggs did not fertilize at all. The fluid with a low-level Stage 1 and the Stage 3 Endometriosis was toxic to the eggs. It didn't matter how bad the Endometriosis was... it was still Toxic in any level!
Dr. Cooper also described Endometriosis in another unconventional way:
Think of a small pimple just out of reach on the back of your shoulder. In the mirror it looks small and inconsequential. But when you move your arm, shoulder, or back - you can feel the inflammation and pain in a huge area all around it. Endometriosis is the same... it causes Inflammation that affects everything near it. But removing even the smallest amount, we have removed the affects.

According to Dr. Cooper, I should have 9-18 months of good fertility. :)

I've been prescribed the Femara again to guarantee ovulation. We're going to try it on our own for the next few months. (Hopefully it doesn't take that long!) If that doesn't work... we'll go back for IVF.

Recovery

I had surgery last Friday.

It was originally scheduled for 7:00 am, but was moved to 10:30am. Not a bad deal actually. I was able to take Weston to preschool myself, and I stopped at the post office to mail invitations I had made for a baby shower. Scott even ran to the grocery store before we left at 930 to pick up Mom in Ankeny. We got to the surgery center and checked in right on time. I think I only waited 5 or so minutes before being called back into the Pre-Op area. Mom came with me, since Scott didn't seem as interested as she did. I had a great nurse named Michelle. We did an EKG, and got me hooked up to the IV. We had about a 25 minute delay due to the surgery prior to mine. The anesthesiologist actually walked me back to my OR holding my IV in his hands. It was nice, and gentle. They loaded me up on the narrow operating table, and buckled me in. Each are was buckled onto a board - I looked like I was shackled to a metal cross. No sooner than they strapped the blood pressure cuff on me, I was out. No idea what they used, but it worked. I was apparently out for an extra hour after surgery too. But it went well. There wasn't much endometriosis to clean up, but they got it as well as some scar tissue and adhesions from the previous surgery. They used only 2 surgical points, instead of 3. But man... I am sore! And nauseous. I'm on Percocet. And back at work today. Though I shouldn't be... and I will probably go home early. I'm just out of it today. Way off. Going to try lunch now... see if the food helps out at all. If not, I'm going home. Mom and Aunt Linda are there with Weston... maybe I can get a little TLC too. :)