As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

the last day of my second pregnancy

Mercy Medical Center

Yesterday started out like a normal snow day... I couldn't sleep and was worried about Weston getting to school on time. I rushed through my shower, wanting to be as fresh for surgery as possible. And then Weston wanted me to go with them to daycare. The roads in Altoona were so bad that we thought we'd need to leave early for the hospital. We didn't, it took 8 minutes to get to Mercy. The difference between the Des Moines road crews, and Altoona's lack of road anything.

My view for 3 hours - hospital socks

We got to the hospital by 9:30, and were in pre-op by 10am. And had all the blood work, IV, EKG, etc done by 10:45. Then everything got pushed back. thank goodness for WiFi, my iPhone, Facebook, and the generosity of my friend Jessica for messaging me while waiting. I waited so long, I got visited and checked in by 2 anesthesiologists! Which was actually a great thing. I have problems with anesthesia, and while it's been ok lately, this doctor was able to pull my anesthesia records from Oct. 2007 and see what was done so well that time. I was taken back at 1:15. Great OR staff, super nice and considerate, helped keep me covered all the time. It faintly smelled like McDonald's in there - not kidding, like a Big Mac. The surgery went pretty fast. Scott had spoken with my OB by 2pm, and was grabbing lunch (McDonald's of course) while I was the surgical recovery bay. I had some breathing issues in recovery- every time I fell back asleep, my O2 levels would drop. Oops. Once I woke up more and coughed, that got better. In fact, every time the alarms went off, I focused on my breathing, and things perked right up. I had to go to the bathroom from the moment I woke up in the recovery bay- which the nurses loved since it proved that everything was in working order.

poor waiting husband
- 3 hours wait pre-op

I was moved to the post-op chair around 3:15pm, and Scott was with me by 3:20. I was good by then. Bathroom break done, drinking fluids, dressed and wheeled to the door by 3:45. Home by 4:05. This recovery was a lot easier. No big pain meds, no nausea, and I could eat as soon as I got home. Thank God for Ramen Noodles.
Nothing too bad in the after effects either.

I didn't get a lot of rest... Slept maybe 15 mins after I got home, before Weston and then Shannon were there. One of our daycare moms sent dinner home with us, so I had to heat that up. We didn't realize it was frozen, so they had garlic bread and brownies before Swim Lessons. Yes, she sent Brownies and Bread with a pasta casserole. Because she is a woman, and she is amazing and considerate.
On the note of Swimming Lessons - I missed them, but Weston passed Beginner 2 and is ready for Intermediate 3!!! Woo-hoo! We heard that it sometimes takes 2 tries to pass!!!

I was in bed by 10:15pm. 
I was really crampy  and my breasts hurt so bad that I almost cried when I went to sleep, and they woke me up again and again until about 1 am... But the cramps are no worse than a period. I'm hoping it stays that way. It's how I was after Weston's c-section. The Surgical Recovery nurse called this morning, and she said that it actually shouldn't get any worse than it is.

Scott's not doing too well. He's very emotional. As he deserves to be. But I'm not sure how to help him. I feel like I am not emotional enough in comparison to him. And maybe it's because I had a Murphy's Law feeling for all but the last 2 weeks? I didn't say anything because so many people were so excited. And it was so easy to fall into their excitement. I started shopping in the last 2 weeks - I bought a diaper bag, and looked at bottles and car seats and strollers. I was getting so excited at this baby. But for Scott - Scott was in it from Day 1. He told his family, everyone at work - so this is hitting him pretty hard. He didn't understand what the tech was telling us at first. I had to explain it all to him. Many many times.

the beautiful flowers
from our daycare family

 I'm just trying to let him do what he needs to do - even if it's hug and kiss me, and constantly tell me how much he loves me. Right now... I am very sensitive to touching, I don't like to be touched when I'm in pain, physical or emotional, and I strike out. I am doing everything I can to not do that. To accept what he needs to give. To make him feel better. Friday afternoon at the doctor's office, he kept telling me how sorry he was and touching me. I was a little mean. When we got out of the office, I apologized and then explained that I was trying not to cry in front of an office full of happy pregnant women. When we got away and by the car, I broke down and just sobbed, holding onto to him for dear life. I have no idea if I've ever cried like that in front of him. When my Mom got sick, there was hope. I cried, but I had hope. It was an uncontrollable soft cry, tears falling, nothing I could do to stop them, the tear faucet was on. This wasn't hope. It was death. Our second baby had died before it even got to live... it was never even a fetus. It wasn't really a baby to anyone but the 2 of us, and to some of our family. There just isn't anything to be done but sob and be sad.

the face of post-miscarriage

I had to tell the boss this morning, in case I had to go home today. He just looked shocked, and maybe it's because I never told them I was pregnant. I had to tell the 2 guys who figured it out. That was rough, one of them was very sad. And I had to tell someone else who was joking about my long weekend. I was kind of short with him, and I felt horrible about it. They have been so kind that it made me so emotional. My tear faucet has wanted to leak all day.

I've already been called by the recovery team at the hospital. I called my OB and changed my appt to their Ankeny office (I forgot there was an office 10 mins from my work.) I called my fertility specialist and left a message with the updated information. Dr. Cooper called back personally. He is so kind and just great. We talked about things, how it's common even in normal women without fertility issues to have 40-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that we did nothing wrong. And how healthy my recovery sounds. He said we could go back to trying after 1 normal cycle. (My OB said 2... we'll see.) I left a message with my family doctor as well, since he handles my diabetic care. Maybe I should have stayed home to make phone calls.

I'm feeling dazed and teary now, but I'm at work. I'll leave early if I need to, though as the day goes on, it's getting better. I'm feeling fine - other than a scratchy sore throat from the breathing tubes during surgery. Hot tea is helping that.

I am amazed at how many women this has happened to; how many never talk about it. It's a travesty. We could help each other. We should help each other. So many of these women have helped me, saved me. I hope to one day be able to help someone else - though I wish this on no one. Ever.

the next step

It's been an exhausting weekend. After sobbing on my bed Friday afternoon and making all the important calls, you know - Mom, sister, family, close friends - while Scott went to his work and explained why he wouldn't be in on Monday, we packed up to leave for the weekend. (I know, what the hell was I thinking?)

I tried to get away so that we would be the only parents at daycare when we picked up Weston. We weren't so lucky. Hugs and pity and genuine sorrow just flowed from everyone straight into me. Our daycare provider, Weston's other mom, helped explain to my little guy that Mommy wasn't feeling too well, and that both Mommy and Daddy are pretty sad. This resulted in lots of hugs from Weston. Just what I needed! I held it together and managed to keep the tears in until I was in the car. We drove north to spend the weekend with Scott's family. Lots of texts from friends, one of our daycare moms is actually making us dinner for tomorrow night, and has agreed to take pictures of Weston's last swim lesson for me since I won't be there.

8 days old

Weston and his cousin Mackenzie, he's so happy!

  Ok... the whole point of going north was to see our brand new Great-Niece, obviously on Scott's side. She was born just a week ago. We made it to Scott's Mom's apartment in Cherokee late Friday night, in a torrential rain storm. We drove up to Hartley to see the new baby the next afternoon. I was feeling a lot better Saturday, nothing felt any different. I was nervous about holding a baby after what we had going on. I was super chatty in the front seat with my mother-in-law. Scott couldn't hear a lot of our conversation. We were talking about cars and how I want to upgrade to a minivan. And she had the nerve to say, "You don't have any more kids. You don't need a bigger car." Yeah... the day after finding out that our pregnancy wasn't viable. I'm still pregnant and she said that to me. She seriously is in need of some sensitivity training. I told her that I was "Acutely aware of the fact that I didn't have another baby. Thank you."

Smiling in her sleep as we said goodbye

Anyway, I held our new niece Mackenzie. And it was ok. She is beautiful. It was soothing, comforting, good, healing. Weston loves her. And I know that they say that new babies don't smile, but she totally smiled at Weston - with her whole face. We stayed for about 4 hours, and as the fog rolled in, Scott's mom said it was time to go. And after checking the weather for NW Iowa and everything between there and Des Moines, we decided to pack up and head back to the 515 as soon as we got back to Cherokee. It was a long ride in super thick fog and the occasional rain storm, but we made it home at midnight - only an hour or so longer than our usual trip, and we had a stop or two along the way.

It's been a slow, but good normal day. My stomach has been very upset and crampy. I'm not sure if it's because of something I ate, the pregnancy symptoms that have been consistent since day one, or my anxiety over tomorrow's D&C. Probably all three. Every time I use the bathroom, I am deathly afraid that my body has finally caught on, and that I am miscarrying naturally. I want nothing to do with nature. I want this to happen in a hospital, the majority taken at one time.

So, I remembered what the doctor had called what happened to us in the middle of the night Friday... she said that what we have is a Blighted Ovum. Here's what I've found out from the American Pregnancy Association:

• A Blighted Ovum happens when a fertilized eggs attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. A blighted ovum occurs in the first trimester, often before a woman even knows that she is pregnant. (Unless, you're me and track everything to the minute. Though I wonder if our super light pregnancy tests were telling us something?)
• A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman's body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor sperm or egg quality. (I also read elsewhere that the placenta can continue to grow, hormones can still be produced, and bodies still act like they are carrying a healthy pregnancy. I have one of those.)
• A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one.

So... tomorrow is going to be so stressful. But the logical side of my brain says, there never was an embryo. Yesterday that seemed to make it easier. When I looked at the ultrasound, all I saw was an empty sac. It has to be better than seeing a baby without a heart beat on the screen. Right? Probably not... at least yesterday I was ok. Today I've been home in a new rain+ice+sleet+snow storm, and I was randomly  teary all day. It just happened. I imagine that tomorrow will be horrible. And every day after will be a bit better. Then again, I have to go to work, so it could be awful for a while. So I am told. I'll try to post soon. I hope this wasn't too much rambling, I just needed to get it all out.

news...

Have you ever used Postagram? It's an App for my iPhone, maybe other smart phones, that takes a picture from your phone (usually the edited Instagram ones) and allows you to mail the photo as part of a post card. The little square photo pops right out for display. I used it for the first time to send a postcard to my grandparents in Texas with a photo of the great-grandkids in their Halloween costumes.

I like Postagram. Postcards are about $0.99 with postage, that's pretty inexpensive. In fact, I just sent 8 Postagrams yesterday to my and Scott's immediate family. Here's the picture:

get it?
(And don't my feet just look fabulous?!?)

Scott thinks it might be too subtle for some of his family, so I included the following message:

"We're keeping the secret a little longer but couldn't wait to tell you that Baby Jones is expected this Fall! - Anxiously awaiting our little bundle, Scott, Erin & Weston"

So yes... that's our news!!! It's still very, very early, so Weston doesn't really know and we haven't put anything up on Facebook. but the most important people will know in the next few weeks. We have an ultrasound on March 8th to make sure that everything is ok. And maybe after that I'll feel more comfortable sharing the news. I share here because I'm not sure very many people read this blog anymore. Shannon and the nurse both have said that I have no problem being pregnant, I just have a hard time getting pregnant. So I shouldn't worry so much. But I am. This just seems impossible sometimes. I still trying to get my head around it.

As for how I'm feeling, well, some days it's like nothing has changed. Other days, I feel achy and nauseous. mostly though, I am just plain exhausted. Just like my last pregnancy. I can fall asleep at any moment. Also - this baby has already decided that it doesn't like coffee. I had 3 different kinds last week (from 3 different places) and every time it tasted "off" - kind of like the wine tasting tinny at Thanksgiving 2007 (before I even knew I was pregnant with Weston.) The only thing I craved the last time was Coffee, and I've been drinking it ever since. But now... I'm drinking water and Kool-Aid. Even Caffeine-free pop doesn't make me as happy as the Kool-Aid. Can't complain about wanting water based drinks. My blood sugars are high, so I am watching my food to make sure I can control them, but I see insulin shots in my future.

Other than all of that, we are very happy. Very, very happy. :)

Wondering if this baby should also be called The Great Embryolio???

Surgery Results...

I met with Dr. Cooper on Nov. 30th.

I am healing just fine. Everything looks good.

Results: I had a lot of adhesions and scar tissue from my last laproscopy and the C-Section from my 2008 pregnancy. So, incisions had to be changed. While inside, Dr. Cooper removed what adhesions, etc. that he needed to move. My liver looks great. (Always a good thing for diabetics!)

In regards to the Endometriosis, there wasn't as much present as there was during the first surgery five years ago. Which I thought was great. That was all removed as well. But Dr. Cooper explained something - just a small amount can destroy my fertility. Basically, there was a study done. fluid was taken from the reproductive areas of 3 women. One had Stage 3 Endometriosis, another had Stage 1, and the 3rd was normal and healthy - no Endometriosis. 3 healthy, normal eggs were placed in the different fluids and fertilization was attempted. The egg in healthy, normal fluid fertilized without concern. The Endometriosis eggs did not fertilize at all. The fluid with a low-level Stage 1 and the Stage 3 Endometriosis was toxic to the eggs. It didn't matter how bad the Endometriosis was... it was still Toxic in any level!
Dr. Cooper also described Endometriosis in another unconventional way:
Think of a small pimple just out of reach on the back of your shoulder. In the mirror it looks small and inconsequential. But when you move your arm, shoulder, or back - you can feel the inflammation and pain in a huge area all around it. Endometriosis is the same... it causes Inflammation that affects everything near it. But removing even the smallest amount, we have removed the affects.

According to Dr. Cooper, I should have 9-18 months of good fertility. :)

I've been prescribed the Femara again to guarantee ovulation. We're going to try it on our own for the next few months. (Hopefully it doesn't take that long!) If that doesn't work... we'll go back for IVF.

Recovery

I had surgery last Friday.

It was originally scheduled for 7:00 am, but was moved to 10:30am. Not a bad deal actually. I was able to take Weston to preschool myself, and I stopped at the post office to mail invitations I had made for a baby shower. Scott even ran to the grocery store before we left at 930 to pick up Mom in Ankeny. We got to the surgery center and checked in right on time. I think I only waited 5 or so minutes before being called back into the Pre-Op area. Mom came with me, since Scott didn't seem as interested as she did. I had a great nurse named Michelle. We did an EKG, and got me hooked up to the IV. We had about a 25 minute delay due to the surgery prior to mine. The anesthesiologist actually walked me back to my OR holding my IV in his hands. It was nice, and gentle. They loaded me up on the narrow operating table, and buckled me in. Each are was buckled onto a board - I looked like I was shackled to a metal cross. No sooner than they strapped the blood pressure cuff on me, I was out. No idea what they used, but it worked. I was apparently out for an extra hour after surgery too. But it went well. There wasn't much endometriosis to clean up, but they got it as well as some scar tissue and adhesions from the previous surgery. They used only 2 surgical points, instead of 3. But man... I am sore! And nauseous. I'm on Percocet. And back at work today. Though I shouldn't be... and I will probably go home early. I'm just out of it today. Way off. Going to try lunch now... see if the food helps out at all. If not, I'm going home. Mom and Aunt Linda are there with Weston... maybe I can get a little TLC too. :)

SCHEDULED

Surgery has been scheduled.

Friday, November 9th at 7am. The time could change, but as of right now, I am first in line. Which means that we will need someone to take Weston to daycare that morning. He will be better there than with us.

But this means that I will miss my Mother-in-law's birthday. We've had it planned since the beginning of September. We're taking her to the butterfly gardens in Sioux Falls, SD. I've never been to Sioux Falls, or a Butterfly garden - and I was excited about surprising Lila with this road-trip party. We'd gotten most of the family to agree to the Caravan trip. I think I will still send Scott and Weston up. It will give me the bed to myself - more room to recover, right? My mom thinks it's awful for Scott to leave me. And if Weston would sleep in his own room - this wouldn't be much of an issue.

So... I will ask someone to stay with me over the weekend. And I will get cleaned out.

TTC is officially on hold until the end of November. And there is a little relief mixed with a little panic in that. But there is nothing more we can do on our own.

life keeps going

So... we've spent a week discussing the decision that had to be made. Every time I told Scott that we needed to talk, he knew exactly to what I was referring. And that felt like a first. So, I hope that it was on his mind as much as it was on mine. Scott wasn't as helpful as he thinks. He's very "Pro Woman" which means that he's pro-my-choice-for-my-body. So I am responsible for all the decisions concerning conception, since it all happens in my body. And I should be grateful for this, and the support he gives me, but in all selfishness, I just wanted someone to make the decision for me. When Scott didn't do that, and insurance wasn't screaming one way or the other (both options are covered), I went with my gut. We're going to go through with the laproscopy to clean the Endometriosis from my body. It's less time off of work, less money, and as my mom said, "Maybe it's best to get rid of the bad stuff from your body." And she's right. We're going to start fresh. I'm thinking that they will schedule for the 9th of November. I should know more in a day or 2 when I get my monthly reminder that I'm not pregnant and can call and schedule. (I'm not pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, and I took a test last night to satisfy my curiosity.) The 9th is the weekend we had planned to go to Sioux Falls to the butterfly garden for Scott's mom's 83rd birthday. I am looking forward to going... but if the surgery is that Friday, I am packing my boys off to go without me. Mainly so I can sleep uninterrupted post surgery. My mom isn't happy about it. But it's what's going to happen I think. I think it will be best for everyone.

So... while my brain was constantly running 100 mph, life went on. We had a huge weekend of super excitement. Here's some pictures:

Friday night, we went Trick or Treating at an event called Night Eyes at the Blank Park Zoo. We bought advanced tickets, so it only cost me $12 for the 4 of us. And we came home with 5 bags of candy, totally worth it! It got dark very quickly, and it was so much fun! We met our friend Elle there with her grandparents, and she and Weston held hands and just really enjoyed the night. Shannon dressed as a Peacock, I was a Girl Monster, and Scott was a Frog. Obviously, Weston chose Scott's and my costumes, but I made them in 2 days, and I rocked it. :) I need more pictures of those, but Shannon's peacock was beautiful!  We toured the zoo (only the big cats were out), rode the train and the new carousel, and the kids played in the inflatable wonderland of giants slides and bounce houses... they weren't afraid of anything!

Captain America (Weston) and the Lady Bug (Elle) hatch from an Ostrich egg at Night Eyes at the the Blank Park Zoo.

 On Saturday, we met up with our friends April and Glen, and joined Weston's daycare families at the Center Grove Orchard and Pumpkin Patch in Cambridge, Iowa. It's the best Orchard around, and takes about 25 mins to get there. It has a school house, petting farm, corn pool, jumping pillow, mazes, hay rides, and a giant slide! Plus apple and pumpkin picking and a store. Too much fun!

Shannon at Center Grove Orchard, Cambridge, Iowa.

Weston measuring how tall he is: 42 inches!!! Tall enough for all roller coasters and giant slides!

After riding the Giant slide with their daddies, Weston and Meleinna wanted to ride alone, and Lily wanted to ride with Weston! So they went together and side by side with Meleinna - it was awesome and frightening all at the same time!

We had a great weekend and are gearing up for our holiday season. I love this time of year with my family!

things I learned yesterday...

It wasn't until talking to my Mom about the events of yesterday's appointment that I realized that I had learned some new things. Here are the 5 big things that I learned at yesterday's appointment with Dr. Cooper:

1. Propagation - Human being suck at reproduction. According to my doctor, if we humans weren't at the top of the Food Chain, we'd have died off a very long time ago. Here's some generalized statistics that Dr. Cooper threw at me:
              a.) Cows have an 80% chance of conceiving each cycle.
              b.) Pigs have something like a 60%-70% chance.
              c.) Human beings have about a 20% chance of conception per cycle!
   (This is why we have to be carnivores. If not, our species would die out.)
2. Ovulation and the Progesterone Test - So when the OB's office called and said that the Progesterone results weren't good because they weren't close to the 11 number, they were slightly misinformed. According to the Fertility Specialist, Dr. Cooper, ovulation pretty much occurs after the number 4. So, I shouldn't feel guilty. I probably did ovulate all those times I didn't conceive. (See #5 for more education.)
3. Sperm - When a healthy, normal man does his job, he releases 55 million sperm. 55 MILLION. By the time they find their way through the cervix, past the uterus, and to the Egg in the fallopian tube, there are (on average) only 8 sperm remaining. And then it's the fastest and strongest of those 8 who win the big prize: Cellular mitosis. ;)
   (It's no joke when you see the baby onesie that says, "I'm one in 55 Million." It's true.)
   Another reason why children are a miracle.
4. Waste - So, 54,999,992 sperm are considered "waste" since they don't make it to the goal line. I also found out that after age 35, 90% of the eggs released by mom are useless waste. Great... I have 2 years to get this thing going.
5. Toxins - So, this is more personal. Not only does Endometriosis cause scar tissue that can prevent ovulation and block eggs, and hormone issues that can also prevent ovulation, but the Endometrial cells also create TOXINS. And these toxins are fatal to eggs and embryos. Basically saying that if I am lucky enough to conceive, then the toxins can still kill that embryo.

So... that's your lesson from today.

If any of you have personal experience with IVF... can you let me know? It's a real possibility right now. And I need help making the big decision.  thanks.

the man who creates life

I had my first visit with Dr. Brian Cooper of Mid-Iowa Fertility. And I really liked him!

Dr. Cooper performed my HSG X-ray in 2007, as well as taking care of my follow-up care after my laproscopy that diagnosed the Endometriosis. And after my bad experience with the other partner in the practice, I am so thrilled to be happy with Dr. Cooper this time around.

So... we discussed fertility and all the blah blah blah that goes with it. And we went over my medical history, the changes, etc from 5 years ago. He was happy about Weston. And he correctly guessed that Weston wants a sister. :)

IVF - creating life

Most important part of this appointment: We have a plan. Either a laproscopy (again) to clean up the Endometriosis and surrounding scar tissue, or we bypass the endometriosis all together and do IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization.) So, we have a plan. I have emailed the clinic's financial person to find out how our insurance covers both procedures. And that will help us to make a choice. The surgery would take place on a Friday, and I should be healed enough to return to work on Monday. The IVF on the other hand takes a lot longer. 10 days of hormone shots, about as many visits to the clinic for blood tests and ultrasounds. Then 1 day off work for egg retrieval. (wait 3 or 4 days.) On day 5, there's implantation, and then 2 days of being flat. So potentially 3 days off work, plus the dr visits.

Either is a big decision. But at least there is a plan, and I am comfortable with the doctor. I feel very relieved. but mostly when Dr. Cooper shook my hand and said that he hoped I was pregnant right now, and that I wouldn't be needing his services. That's what a real doctor is all about - helping the patient. :)

Babies, Babies, and More Babies in a TTC Haze

We are being surrounded by babies! 

My sister’s friend Dee is expecting her second child, a son named Otis to join his sister Elleanor, this October. My local bestie is expecting her first at the end of January 2013. And two more of our sorority sisters, including one of my former roommates, are expecting babies the first week of February. Additionally one of my co-workers, the son of our owner, and his wife are also expecting baby #2 at the end of January. And add to that our nephew Jeremy and his wife Charlie, are expecting their first baby around March 4^th; and we just found out that Jeremy’s sister Tasha and her husband are expecting baby #4 around March 1^st. That’s the potential for two 1^st cousin-babies on the same day. 

By my count, that’s 7 babies before the second week of March. Wow. Talk about a baby boom.

That being said, none of these babies are ours. And I have at least 2 other friends that are also TTC with little luck. I’m so happy for our friends and family. And it’s easier this time to deal with everyone around me being pregnant. But the little green-eyed monster is still poking at my heart. I am still a little bit jealous of all these pregnant women around me. I loved being pregnant – that is, when I wasn’t scared to death about something going wrong. But I can happily say that I am no where near the blind-with-jealousy-crazy-weepy-witch I was for the 3 years until Weston’s conception. Thank Goodness for everyone who loves me. I’m lucky. Anytime I start feel jealous, I take one long look at Weston. Our miracle boy can cure jealousy – either by being so adorable or by being a typical mad little guy. Either way, I’m distracted by him.

So… we’re not pregnant. What happened? What does it all mean? Well, since I know some are new to this, and my blog, I’ll try to be as blunt as possible. If you have questions, let me know. I’ll do my best to answer them.

1. I like it how I say, “we’re not pregnant.” What I really mean is, “I’m not pregnant.” Yeah, it’s a shared experience, but the ups and downs of hormones and moods and emotions are inside ME. Granted they sometimes spill over and affect my husband, but trust me, he has no clue how much worse it is to be inside my head, body, and heart. I’m the one hiding the pain, guilt, and shame from everyone around me. As well as the entire process from my new employer- it feels like “wives” have babies at this company, not employees (I am one of 2 women of child-bearing age employed here.)
2.  Cycle 2 of the fertility drug Femera was a bust.
   On Femera-cycle one (TTC Cycle #7), my progesterone level was measured at 10.5 on my Day 21 blood test. (Based on cycles – you take the fertility drugs on cycle days 3-7 to help ovulation. Ovulation generally occurs around cycle days 9-11. You can “see” if ovulation occurred based on Progesterone levels on cycle Day 21.) The nurse told me that they prefer a count over 11, but 10.5 was close enough that I probably ovulated. I obviously didn’t conceive. I had my 21 day blood draw last Thursday for Femera-cycle #2. I forgot to call and get the results on Friday. I wish I had. I could have spent the weekend drinking with Scott’s family. Anyway, with the Labor Day holiday, I couldn’t call until Tuesday morning. And by Tuesday morning, I knew that Femera-cycle 2 was a bust – I had already started my period. But I was still interested in the results. And they were discouraging – only a 7.5. The nurse said that ovulation was possible. I asked how when last month I was told they wanted me over 11. No answer. She called back and told me that the doctor wanted to double the dosage of Femera. Cycle Day 3 is today… my alarm goes off at 10am to remind me to take the 2 small pills.
3.  So… there’s a lot of planning that goes into conception. I take my temperature first thing every morning (on the theory that your temp goes up at ovulation, mine isn't clear yet.) I use the iPhone app “iPeriod” to track every single detail of my cycle. I’ve purchased from Amazon.com some medical grade Ovulation Predictor Kits and Pregnancy Tests, a brand called Wondfo, 40 ovulation tests + 10 pregnancy tests for about $14. (A great deal if you’ve made some of the commercial-grade purchases.) These are the hard-core TTC tests – there are no pretty applicators and you have to pee in a cup to test. Mine should be here by Monday.
   Also – trying to have sex on a schedule sucks. It’s not romantic. It’s work. Usually it’s fun. But when you are having sex every 36 hours, and you’re going away for the weekend… sometimes a forced “quickie” before daycare pickup becomes essential – and that was the hardest one for us. Me especially. This was the most emotionless start-up in our history. I need to work on that.
4. This is our last shot for a semi-normal conception. If this doesn’t work, we will be referred to Mid Iowa Fertility. I did not have a good experience there when we were TTC Weston. I had to make all of the decisions without being informed. I had to do all the research into the possible problems with me. I did all the tests that they wanted, but never seemed to find an answer. Finally, I had a “Come-to-Jesus” meeting with the millionaire doctor who was responsible for the future of my family. He would not help me; he kept asking what I wanted to do. I told him “that he doesn’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to have me make the choices for him. That’s why he went to school.” It was humiliating to be put into that situation. Since I had a feeling that I had Endometriosis, I made the decision to undergo a surgical Laparoscopy. And I was right. (Not that any doctor in the previous 4 years had listened to me.) During that surgery all of the endometrial adhesions were removed. And even though Mid Iowa Fertility told me that I had not ovulated the cycle immediately following the surgery (“You didn’t ovulate, and even if you had, we would be able to see the egg traveling, and it’s not there. There is nothing.”) I actually did ovulate, and conceived Weston. Miracle Baby part 1.
   So… if we do not conceive this cycle, and are sent back to Mid Iowa Fertility (our only Fertility Specialist Clinic) we will be asking for the other doctor. I hope it doesn’t come to this.

Ok… so that’s where I am today: Cycle Day 3 of Femera-Cycle 3 of TTC-cycle 9 – a lot to remember, I know.

But there are some fun parts of TTC – Names!!! Scott will not be more active than voicing a yes or no response to a name I say. He will not look at books or websites until we’ve conceived. But he’ll play a game in the car on long trips with my sister and I… we go through the alphabet and name one name for a boy and girl for each letter. And then we discuss. Anything worth keeping gets added to the list. My favorite name site right now is Nameberry. It’s all about names, and its super fun. There are others, like Baby Zone and Baby Center, but they contain everything about being a parent. Nameberry is strictly names until you enter the discussion forums. (I've found some great things in the forums, like the Wondfo tests.) Last night’s blog of the day came from a forum thread about favorite names from A-Z. It was a lot of fun to see what other people chose. How traditional some were versus how many picked unusual names, to how many liked the same name I thought were creative and unique to me. So… to end this, here’s my A-Z list:

 Girl/Boy

A: Anastasia/Asher
B: Bianca/Beckett
C: Cordelia/Christopher
D: Daphne/Donovan & Dashiell
E: Eden & Emerson/Emmett & Elliot
F: Fiona/Felix
G: Greyson/Gideon
H: Haven & Holland/Holden & Harper
I: Ivy/Iain
J: Jillian/Jackson
K: Katherine/Keegan
L: Lucie/Liam
M: Mollie & Myka/Mercer
N: Naomi/Nathaniel
O: Olivia/Oliver
P: Penelope/Parker
Q: Quinn/?
R: Romy/Rhys
S: Sutton/Sebastian
T: Tabitha/Tobias
U: n/a
V: Valentina/?
W: Waverly/Weston (of course) & William (nn Liam)
X: Xavia/Xavier
Y: n/a
Z: Zoey & Zara/Zane

The funny thing is... a lot of the girls and boys names sound alike int he same letter: Emerson & Emmett, Xavia & Xavier, Olivia & Oliver. Other than the "E"s, I like the male version better. And some names I like because they are children in my life, or names friends and family are set on... not names I'd choose for myself. Right now, I am loving Eden and Sebastian... but that could change with a little (+) on a test. ;)

the Realm of Possibilities and Other Observances

So… this is going to be a different sort of post than the previous “Greatest Loves,” but I am still counting it as #5 - top of the list. Here we go:

Weston Christopher Jones, Age 4

My Greatest love is my children… I know that I should say my child, because it’s true: I only have one child - at this moment in time. Weston Christopher Jones turned 4 years old exactly at 6:02 pm, on July 31, 2012. His was a long, hard, overwhelming delivery. And you can read the 3 or 4 posts regarding those 36 hours here. But I digress.

 I said Children. It was never my intention to only have one child. I wanted 4 when I was a child myself. 3 wasn’t ideal, with one always being the odd one out (ask my brother and sister) – though 3 children + 2 parents makes a great family picture set up. And 2 children seemed too few – what if they didn’t get along? Then there weren’t any other options. Only children seemed different, and such a small family. So, 4 children seemed perfect- more than 3, and even number, blah blah blah.

But now? Now we’ve waited too long. We didn’t mean to. I mean, when you start having the “family” talk as a couple you throw out numbers and age differences, names and who you hope they look like. We you’re TTC (Trying To Conceive for those of you Fertile Myrtles out there who don’t have the fertility lingo down) you and the Husband start talking about just having 1 baby, and maybe if your lucky enough, planning the next one so they aren’t too close together, and you aren’t buying 2 sets of diapers, so 2-3 years apart.

And then… And then LIFE happens. The next thing you know, you are throwing your “baby’s” 4^th birthday party, realizing that he starts Kindergarten next year. OMG. He’s become an Only Child. The only thing I didn’t want.

I sat realizing that we hadn’t even thought about it. Not really. It was never the right time. How did this happen? My sister and I figured out a few things:

1. Mom got Cancer. We all lost about 2 years with that life-consuming bastard of a disease. It was always a life or death battle, finding time to think about more kids never really came up.
2. We lost (sold, but it was still a loss to us) our house; and moved into the apartment. This apartment has always been a place to stay, but never a home. I still haven’t unpacked. The thought of adding a baby to this is not what we wanted. Weston wished for grass and a yard last week. I almost burst into tears. I don’t know how to make it happen. I just don’t. But I know that I don’t want to raise my kids in this apartment.
3. Birth Control. Let me explain this one… I have been on super-high-dose (clinical term) birth control for 4 years. I have Endometriosis. This is what caused our infertility the first time around. By taking continuous doses of birth control (3 packages in a row to be exact) the hormones convince the Endometriosis not to grow. (The thought of getting pregnant to stop it from growing being the one thing that’s hard to do when you have Endometriosis. The irony is not lost on me.) Little did I know that these high doses of birth control pretty much killed my sex drive. I just thought that I was tired and married and in my 30s. Um… yes, yes, and yes – but I was still supposed to want sex. Good thing my sex drive resurfaced after months off the pills. (TMI - I know.)

So… we’re officially TTC. Again. I consulted with my OB at my appointment last year. It was decided to give my body 6 cycles au natural before looking at all the options. Suffice it to say – I am not pregnant. So, for the last two cycles I have been back on fertility drugs. Back to scheduling our encounters trying to avoid a 4 yr old in the process. Back to taking my temperature every morning and monitoring everything about, well about me. And back to the monthly blood tests. We have one more month of this before I am referred to a fertility specialist again. I’m not sure that I can do that again. But we’ll see. Oh! And on top of all the fertility stuff, my OB has left the practice and is moving to the NW United States. So I am in the middle of fertility confusion without my OB.

Sometimes I think that it would be ok to be a small family of 3. We have our routine down. Sort of. 
But then I didn't get pregnant. Not that I expected to quickly, I'd been on birth control for almost 4 years. But I was surprised at how sad and depressed I was when it didn't happen after the first round of fertility meds. I don't know why it affected me so much. But somehow, I just thought it would be easier this time around. And it's not. And that when I start thinking that we should just be happy with what we've been given. Weston's conception and birth were a miracle to us. Shouldn't we be happy with that?
But then I think of the “What Ifs.” What if something happened to Scott or Me? We would only have Weston to remind us of each other. What if something happened to both of us? Weston would be all alone. And there is a special bond between siblings. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we’re best friends. That’s a bond I want my children to have – the bond of someone having the same existence in a closed little world, of loving the same people and pets and places.

So… this post has taken a different turn than I intended. I intended it to be about my love for Weston. How he is just so fascinating and enlightening and logical and both a joy and a devastation depending upon his feelings (of which he has tons.) But this post just grew from somewhere else I guess. I started it back in mid July, so it’s a work of love.

2012

Here’s what’s happened this summer –

• Mom’s leukemia came back in her elbow only. She underwent 12 rounds of radiation, and it’s still exhausting for her. But she will beat this. I know it. And I said so. I had the best talk with mom on the phone last week. It was almost like she was her pre-cancer self. I miss my pre-cancer talks with my mom.
• As mentioned, Weston turned 4 years old with a spectacularly chilly and rainy party at the Union Park Splash Pool – in the middle of a summer drought with 100+ degree temps. Go figure.
• Scott and I didn’t celebrate, but more acknowledged our 10^th Anniversary together. 10 years ago on June 28^th, we met and sparked some interest. 10 years ago on July 22^nd, we had our first (and most spectacular public) kiss in Cherokee. And 10 yrs ago in the middle of the night on August 3^rd or 4^th, we became “official.” It’s unbelievable to think that I have spent almost 1/3 of my life with this man. I love him more than he knows. And I hope we have many, many more decades together.
• Shannon graduated with her Master’s Degree in Social Work in May, and then spent the summer trying to find employment. It was hard on all of us, but she found the perfect position as the School Based Therapist for the high school students in the West Des Moines district through Orchard Place. We’re all so proud of her.
• Oh! And we welcomed a new cousin. Kaitlyn Sophia Stanley was born on July 19^th (the same day as her Dad and Grandma.) She is Scott’s first cousin Troy and his wife Jackie’s first baby. Everyone has waited a long time for her, and she is as beautiful as a baby can be.
• We also found out that Scott and I are going to be a Great Uncle & Aunt. Scott’s nephew (and my former drinking buddy) Jeremy and his wife Charlie are expecting in March. This is very exciting since it’s the first new niece or nephew on that side for me. (The others are between 3 and 18 years old, and we never seem to see the youngest ones. Oh, family drama that isn’t our fault.) We are super excited for this little baby.

That about covers it, I think. I hope to post more frequently. I just don’t like being on the computer much at home.But I do hope that this blog helped someone out there. Infertility is still such a touchy issue for some people. But it seems like it's plaguing my entire generation.