Longest Wait Ever

the wait until my next ultrasound is killing me. Literally. I can't take it. We have another 10 days. July 2nd. 2pm. can not come fast enough.

It's been exactly one week since we found out that our pregnancy was not only healthy and viable, but a double blessing of twins. And it feels so right. Like it was always like this. It's not as shocking to me as it is to everyone else. I don't know why.

Scott's still not into talking too much about Baby Names. I'm collecting a list... this is going to be tough. but so amazing!!!

It's the weekend. More specifically, it's Garage Sale weekend. I'm spending the night at my SeaStar's house in her amazing bed. Can't wait. But we have so much to do before 7am tomorrow morning. :)
The high for tomorrow is 95*, I really want to be done by noon.

Have a Happy Weekend!!!

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.

Anxiety Overload

I had my pregnancy confirmed at the doctor on Monday.
She also took a large blood sample.
I got the results yesterday.
My hGC (the pregnancy hormone) was a little lower than they would like, at 222. (I searched, and average is 5-426, the higher the better.) So it could be because we were testing so early. Or for a variety of other bad reasons.
I am going back today to have it retested. We're hoping that the numbers are at least hitting 450. It's important that they double every few days, this shows that everything is growing as it should.

I've been so nervous and anxious. But today, I've also added nauseated (I don't think this pregnancy like eggs too much.) and heartburn (my anxiety default.)

I'm just so scared of going through another loss. Shannon says that I am trying to disassociate myself from potential loss by pretending it doesn't feel real yet. It feels real. It feels too real. Maybe my inner emotions are more Vulcan... too much to let out on the surface? I'm trying to hard. I'm praying to everything and everyone I can.

On another note, we're moving on Saturday. And all of our non-family back up has backed out. I've spent this week just wanting to be sick over the work ahead. Not to mention that I keep falling asleep at 7 pm... and I can't help it. It's like my body just shuts off. Anyway, I just secured movers and that should really help us out. It's going to be costly, but I can make it work.

1 hour until the blood test.... more info to follow.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

Random Thoughts...

I've been playing with a blog post in my mind this past week, but it doesn't seem to be as easy to write as it is in my head. So, forget it. I'm just going to ramble it all out.

1. As I am sitting here, I am analyzing every twinge, ripple, feeling that could possibly herald the arrival of Aunt Flo. According to the calendar, it's due to arrive today. But it could be a few days late. I have refused to test. I just don't see the point. But more importantly, I am afraid of the answer either way. Negative = another month of heartbreak, the whys, the whens, the hows. The overwhelming feelings of guilt of failure that will just wash over me... and sometimes, they already wash over me. A Positive = Fear, panic... a constant fear of losing another baby. The fear to be happy and relaxed after something so horrible happened. I just don't see a happy feeling either way this week.
2. We get the keys to our new duplex tonight. Did I mention that we're moving? We're moving. In 9 days. We went through our garage last weekend with the help of my parents and aunt. It was traumatic. We lost our guest room mattress and springs to mice damage. And a whole box of good clothes to water damage. Threw away a lot and am selling a lot more. I also measured my hutch, and it is too large for our kitchen. :(
3. I hate packing. I'm not any good at it. So this weekend, I am planning on moving over everything that isn't bolted down and can fit in my car. to avoid packing. Not sure yet how we are packing the dishes. I may need to invest in paper plates for a while... but we don't have a dishwasher at the new place. Oops.
4. Weston's last T-Ball game is this Saturday. It's a reschedule because of the horrible spring weather that we've had. I'm coaching. Yep. That's right. Our coaches are out of town, as well as some other players. No one was expecting this. So I got asked to coach. It should be interesting. :) I just hope that we make it in time... Shannon and I are desperate for some Farmer's Market time. So we're going at the crack of dawn.
5. I came to the realization last night that we would have found out the sex of our baby next week. It's going by so fast. And I'm ok most days, it's just that our daycare provider is also pregnant. And she's talking about it constantly and counting the weeks. And everyone is excited for her. I think I am as well... it's just that it's a constant reminder of what we've lost. I can't seem to get past it.

I'm done rambling. I'm hungry and waiting for lunch. and trying to work to get everything done.

an open letter to JJ Abrams...

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I am a huge fan. From Felicity to Alias (OMG, Alias!!!) to LOST to Fringe and on to Star Trek, Super 8 and beyond, there is very little that you can do wrong when it comes to my personal entertainment over the last twenty years. (Yes, I enjoyed Forever Young and your early writings too.)
When I had heard that you were taking on the Star Trek franchise, I was beyond excited. When I saw the movie I was enraptured and completely blown away by your lighting and the visual effects.The story was fantastic - a reboot would have been too simple. An alternate timeline though? Brilliant! I loved the casting of hard working but not über-famous actors. We could grow with these characters.
You have made me love this storyline when I only had room in my American NerdGirl heart for Skywalkers and Solos.

That being said... This three year wait has been brutal. I understand that it takes time to make movies of this caliber, I really do. But the selfish movie-lover in me is impatient. I haven't even seen this new movie, and I am already hoping that you are hard at work on the next one.
Please be working on this next installment. Please get a head start. You know the world is on the edge of our seats for the next chapter. Please.

Benedict Cumberbatch, JJ Abrams, and Chris Pine
event for 'Star Trek: Into Darkness' 2013

Oh, and Mr. Abrams - I am expecting the same care and treatment for the Star Wars franchise as you've given Star Trek. I'm just saying....

Sincerely,
an Iowa NerdGirl

P.S. I forgot to mention my favorite of what feel are your signature traits, and it goes back to actors: I Love how you value the actors that you work with. I love how I continue to see them pop up through your various endeavors - Hello, Greg Grunberg in Felicity, Alias, and a single memorable episode of LOST. It says a lot about you and your work, and about the quality people that you work with. Thanks for this too!

Some More Musical Notes...

So, we've obviously had some personal obstacles lately, and I've had this half done... now is the time to finish this up. Because life moves one. Back to normal!!!
My list of Favorite Songs is still sitting on my desk. It's time to get to work on Part 2 - numbers 11-20.

11. Rhiannon/Landslide - Fleetwood Mac, both from the 1975 self-titled Album - I love both of these songs equally. Actually at any given moment, I always love one a tad bit more than the other, but they flip so often that they are listed together. Stevie Nicks wrote both songs, and has so much of herself poured into each one that they can only be described as my introduction into the beauty that is Stevie Nicks. I love her. I love the raspy sound of her voice, the tone, the depth. Heck, I heard her singing with Dave Grohl's Sound City Players and I was floored. It was Rock and Alternative and such a crazy blend of Nicks, Nirvana, and Foo Fighters, that while stumped I still just loved it. When a voice can transcend a genre... it's just amazing.
12. Lightning Crashes -Live, from the 1994 Throwing Copper - I first saw this video on MTV in what had to be 1995. The opening chords of this song just make the whole song. They make my chest tighten in anticipation of... I'm not sure what, but it just happens. I have always loved this song, and I bought the entire album just to get it, sometime in 1998. This was the beginning of my love for the Alternative Rock/Post grunge sound. I like to think the other songs on this album, much harder than this, are what lead me to Linkin Park, etc. Everything builds on something before it. As a mom, this song, and especially the video, took on a much deeper meaning. And during my pregnancies, this video is as emotional as a Hallmark commercial. ;)
13. Sugarhigh - Coyote Shivers, from the 1995 Empire Records soundtrack - this song was awesome in the movie sung by Renee Zellwegger and Coyote Shivers. It was great. And it's what led me to the entire soundtrack. Gin Blossoms, Cranberries, this soundtrack has some great bands with popular and songs I'd never heard before. I like the entire thing. And this movie is still one of my favorites! (I add in Renee's part while singing in the car, and my sister actually thinks I sound good. For once.)
14. Hypnotize - Notorious B.I.G., from the 1996 album Life After Death, I don't remember when I first heard this song. In the middle of Iowa, East Coast vs West Coast rap was something that was a big deal, but not a huge deal. The guys "fighting" it over were generic white middle class kids. My brother first brought Biggie into our house. And I liked hearing the beat and the smooth voice pounding out of Nathan's room. When I went to college in 1998, Hypnotize was a regular frat party anthem. My roommate Katie would do the Vivica Fox's stripper pole dance from the movie Independence Day to Hypnotize any time it came on. And then it was featured in the 1999 movie 10 Things I Hate about You. It exploded at the bar scene from there. It's a great song with a great beat. Every time I hear it, I see Katie's stripper dance, and I remember the laughter and happiness that surrounds this song. And the little twinge of sadness at Biggie's life cut short.
15. Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar, from the 1983 album Live From Earth, this song is the Battle cry for all hurt women every where. I loved this song (and most of Pat Benatar's singles) from the moment they hit the radio waves. and 30 years later, these songs are still played on the radio - they are timeless. I love how this song builds and builds to this explosion of Feminist Liberties. ;) And now... every time I hear this song, I no longer see Benatar and her 80s army of neon, scarved empowered women, I see Jennifer Garner and her army of newly initiated 13 yr olds from the movie 13 Going On 30! Great movie if you haven't seen it - even better soundtrack. This song has carried me for 30 years, and it will never grow old.
16. Someday - Mariah Carey, from the 1990 self titled album Mariah Carey, this song blew me away the first time I heard in Janet Berkey's bedroom on the radio while reading an issue of Seventeen magazine. See? I can remember every detail which shows how important this song is. I've heard that she doesn't even like this song because of the changes that Sony made to the original track, and that her husband, Nick Cannon, is begging for her to once again sing it live. Hmmm... I'm not sure I would go to a concert where she didn't sing this song. I was so amazed at her vocal range. People kept comparing her to Whitney Houston. And she is just as good, maybe better. This song began my life long love of Mariah Carey. For the most part, I have loved part of every album she's made (exception - Glitter and everything around that period.) She came back again with The Emancipation of Mimi and it was like she never left. But I'll be honest, this is the top song for me from one of the best Diva's of all time.
17. True Blue - Madonna, from the 1986 album of the same name, though this song came out after earlier hits Like A Virgin and Material Girl, songs that introduced me to Madonna, True Blue made me fall in love with her. This song was so peppy and young and melodious without being a true dance song. It felt most like a song you could sing along to. This was a great record too... but this song sealed the deal for my childhood love of Madonna. I still love everything she has made prior to her Ray of Light album. Disco, leotard sporting Madonna was just something that I couldn't get into. But when it comes to her classics, I'll always be a fan!
18. It Must have been Love - Roxette, from the 1990 soundtrack for the movie Pretty Woman, this song was originally released as Christmas single in Sweden in 1987, but it wasn't until seeing Pretty Woman, that I fell in love with this song. It's the end Love song. When Richard Gere's Edward goes to the slums of LA and sweeps Julia Roberts' prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold Vivian right off her fire escape. This song led to Roxette moving state side, and it led me to some other great music by this Swedish duo. But this song will always be my favorite. It's a great love song and just brings up so many happy feelings.
19. Sabotage - The Beastie Boys, from the 1994 album III Communication, I more than likely first heard the Beastie Boys on MTV, but it was my brother Nathan's love of them that brought them into our house. He played them loud and did it to annoy everyone. But the the funny thing was, I liked them. A lot. Maybe it was the percussionist in me. I remember seeing this video for the first time and just being so tickled by the humor of it, from the cheesy 70's costumes to the overplayed acting. It was great, but then the song was just outstanding. I delved deeper into the Beastie Boys since this song, and while I love so many other songs (the intro to Mullet Head on the Clueless movie soundtrack was by far, ah-mazing, let's be honest, that soundtrack rocked) - Sabotage will always be my fave. And I'm not sure if it's the vision that the video brings, or the beat, or the bonding to my brother... but this song is just a part of my music.
20. Killing Me Softly - the Fugees, from the 1995 album The Score, I first heard this song on MTV Jams in the early morning while getting ready for school. It was a soft beautiful song with just enough hip hop to make it hot. I had fallen in love with Lauryn Hill's voice in the 1993 movie Sister Act 2, and this introduced me to more of her music. I'll admit to enjoying this song above all other Fugees' music and Lauryn Hill's other music, but it led me down a road to experience more than just the usual Iowa White Girl 90s Pop music of my time. I bought The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill a few years later and though she's moved on to music outside of my realm, I still love going back to this song.

Next up in my world of music... the Honorable Mentions!

num num num

It's been suggested that I write a Food Blog on the recipes that I use for my family.

I'm mulling the idea over. It might be fun. It won't be consistent, but it might be fun. :)

Thinking about it....

normalities

It's been one week since my surgery and the removal of our pregnancy.

Things are slowly getting back to the new normal. I went on a Girls Night on Friday. It was a nice distraction... Oz: The Great and Powerful was a huge disappointment in a movie. Just huge. And it had so much potential. Our late dinner of (mine was cooked) Sushi at Wasabi Chi was amazing. I loved it all, and would definitely go back. If you are reading this from the DSM area, make a visit, and then send me a Thank You note.

What I've noticed about people though... as the week went on, my tragedy was no longer in the front of their minds. And while I understand this, it would be nice to be asked how I'm doing, or to have my Mom want to talk about it. I still need to talk about it. My SeaStar has been a God-send. More than she will ever understand. She lets me talk and cry and talk some more. She is the best sister on the planet. I am beyond lucky to have her.

So, Saturday, we were back to normal. Big family thing - we bought a Family Membership to the Science Center of Iowa and the Blank Park Zoo. It was our big expenditure, but we're doing it in lieu of Adventureland passes this year. We spent about 3 hours at the Science Center Saturday, and then Shannon and I ran errands all over West Des Moines after we dropped the boys at home. It was really rough for me. I'm not sure if I overdid it, or what, but I was in a lot of pain with the worst cramps since labor with Weston, and it was the absolute worst day since surgery. It was so bad that I thought this was all over after it. I was wrong, but nothing has been as bad as Saturday. So, I hope that means that I am healing well.

Last night I didn't go to bed as early as I had hoped (Darned husband got me hooked on the Walking Dead.) But I dreamed a lot last night. A LOT. I dreamt that it was April 2nd. The day of my 3 week Post-op check up. And I was pregnant again. Just newly discovered. And I was afraid that my doctor was going to be so mad at us. And I was so worried that this was too soon, that we were asking for another miscarriage. The kicker? The whole time that I am dreaming about this, in the dream I am wondering how I could even be pregnant at all - it's only 2 weeks from tomorrow, how is that time enough for this to happen? So in my head in the dream, I am worried about a supernatural pregnancy on top of an impending miscarriage and an angry doctor. Wow... Freud would have a blast with that one... I can just hear him (think back to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure for the Freud in my head) -
    "Oh! I zeenk zat you are hazing zee issues of zee babies... ."
See, even the awake stuff running through my head is a bit crazy, so the dream stuff has to be so much more entertaining. :) I hear from the message boards that I belong too, that dreams are normal, even weird guilty dreams.

Obviously, my mind is on babies. In an almost desperate way. I feel more like I did when we struggling with infertility the first time around - jealous and angry and mad at all of the pregnant women and girls around me. A great sense of unfairness. I realize that this is all a part of grieving. I've been told to accept my sadness and anger and everything I feel and to actually recognize it for what it is, grief. And I am trying. I really am. Scott looks at me and asks me if I'm ok, what's wrong, etc. And I'm just wallowing in my feelings. I'm trying to be normal, and for a little while, I am. But sometimes, I just fall back into the wallowing. And apparently, this is normal too.

I am normal. All the time. I just have to accept that for myself. I'm working on it.

our fruit continues to blossom...

This is what I got in my weekly email this morning. I'm kind of in love with these little phrases! Highlights from this week's progress report:

• By the middle of this week, Baby has 10 toes and 10 fingers (though there's still webbing between them). A small neck has appeared and a distinct profile is already emerging on Baby's tiny face. But here's the most exciting part: Your tadpole/chickpea/raspberry is no longer considered an embryo but--a bona fide fetus with moving arms and legs!

Guess I won't be able to call him or her the Great Embryolio any longer. I need a new name... or I can just go with the berry or fruit of the week!

So... I am surrounded by new babies and expectant parents. Two just announced this week. One is already 5+ months along (no idea how she kept that secret), she announced with a picture of a snowman family made by child #2 including a pregnant snowmom, and the other announced with a bath picture of child #1 on Instagram. I dying to tell people, to make it feel more real. But I know that we have to keep it in until the Ultrasound at the very least. Oh, and one of my sorority sisters announced her engagement last night. It's so exciting. The last of "our group" to take the plunge! Except her potential wedding date is the week of this baby's estimated due date. So we can't go. :(    And that about kills me. (It's in Texas... too far to travel before baby or just after.)

So... yeah. Dying to tell and can't. Always hungry but watching my carbs, etc. :) The next 10 days until this Ultrasound can't come fast enough!

Oh! I had my regular diabetic check up and blood work this week. It's great! The best A1C level in years! So, no insulin shots for the time being!!! I know they are coming, but the longer I can put it off, the better. :)

Ok, back to waiting!!! I'm working on the 2nd Favorite Songs list... it's just taking time. ;)

a few Notes...

So, I bought a used iPod Classic (5th generation) with some of my birthday money. I was using Spotify on my iPhone, but I'm not a huge fan. And I hate the fact that I end up using my whole battery of my phone playing music at work, and having no room for apps because I have so much music. So... in my brain it made more sense to have an all-music device. Which after loading music, and realizing what I was missing in terms of songs, it got me to thinking about my favorite songs. I'm musical in the sense that I love music. I have little to no education in music, other than being in band for a number of years, and lets be honest, I didn't learn much about music education - I can't read music, or notes, but I am/was a Percussionist, so I do know rhythm to a certain degree. I appreciate how music makes me feel, the memories these songs invoke. And so I've put together my Ultimate Top 20 list, along with a group of honorable mentions - and how/why I chose each one.

Here We Go:
*As I've started to write this, I've come to realize that this is going to be Long... so I'm splitting it into 3 posts.*

1. Every Breath You Take, The Police, 1983 album Synchronicity - I have long claimed this song as my #1 of all time. And while I am not sure that is technically the case, I do love this song. I love how my heart races just a little when the intro chords start up. This song played all the time on the radio as I was growing up - so much so that I new the words to the song before I understood the meaning (!). This song also cemented my love of Sting, the Police, and the New Wave sound of the 1980s.
2. Broken Wings, Mister Mister, 1985 album Welcome to the Real World - This song inspired the first CD that I ever purchased with my own money. It was a Billboard Radio Hits 1985-1989, and this was the song that caught my attention. I love this song... I love how it seems to make me happy for no good reason. I love that it introduced me to all the other songs on th CD... some that I had never heard of.
3. Alone, Heart, 1987 album Bad Animals - I absolutely love this song... as in I sing it at the top of my lungs whenever i get the chance. And I judge every American Idol contestant as "not-quite-good-enough" to sing it, though they always do. Because it's a classic song showcasing great vocals. Though All I Want to do is Make Love to You was the first song that I learned all the words to, this is the one that sealed the deal and opened me up to all of it, I bought their 1997 album These Dreams: Heart's Greatest Hits and have never looked back - except to download Crazy on You and Barracuda since they were somehow missing. ;)
4. Lovesong, The Cure, 1989 album Disintegration - I'm not sure what to say about this song... except that I am in love with this song. Just hearing it seems to make me have this little sparkle inside. It's dramatic and moody and has this wonderful background melody that's almost happy - all the while with this intense British guy laying out his heart for the girl he loves - and I have a feeling that she doesn't share his feelings. Pity.
5. Don't Dream It's Over (Hey Now), Crowded House, 1986 album Crowded House - one of the most recognizable opening melodies for me, with such as easy melting set of lyrics laid on top. My first memories of this song are it quietly playing out of speakers mounted high on poles at the boardwalk outside of Pensacola, FL. We used to drive to this stretch of beach that felt like forever away and we'd pass sand dunes covered in Cat Tails... and I'd always hear this song. It always transported me back to a warm breezy, salty day of childhood.
   Years later, it has become Scott and my "song" of sorts. Though we danced to another classic (When I Fall in Love by Josh Grobin and Celine Dion), this one seems to fit us much better. When Scott and I were first living together in Sioux City, sharing a small twin bed in his apartment, we'd constantly be bumping into each other, etc. And Scott would always say, "Hey Now"... and no matter how awake (or not) that I was, I'd always finish with "Hey Now, Don't Dream it's Over." And we'd giggle or something. It became a running commentary for us - I even had it requested to play on the radio for Scott's birthday a couple of times.
6. Linger, The Cranberries, 1993  album Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We? - While everyone (including me) loves the song Dreams most notably from the You've Got Mail soundtrack, this is the Cranberries song that really did it for me. The beauty of Dolores O'Riordan's lead vocals just made me want more. This song still feels like I have Angela's plaid shirt wrapped tight all around me, trying to hold all my angsty feelings into their right spot. (On the inside of course.) I just love the lyrics and tone and rhythm to this song. It lead me to the whole CD and so much more.
7. Ordinary World, Duran Duran, 1993 album Duran Duran (The Wedding Album) - This song is so fantastic, and I can't even pinpoint why. This whole album had some really special moments, but Ordinary World just shines! The first few notes play, and they bring to mind some of the best lines ever, "I won't cry for yesterday. There's an Ordinary World somehow I have to find." "Passion or Coincidence, there's something to dismay." The harmony is wonderful, but the lyrics are just outstanding.
8.  Uninvited, Alanis Morissette, 1998 from the City of Angels Soundtrack - This was the first single released by Alanis Morissette since Jagged Little Pill in 1993- and Jagged Little Pill was the first CD I ever owned - a birthday gift from a friend. I fell in Love with Alanis with that CD. I listened to it so much, that I wore it out. Not kidding. Anyway... I remember when I first heard Uninvited - it had this beautiful orchestra and it was so BIG and it filled up so many little places in my body - it still feels that way, even after 15 years. This song resonates musically with me much the same way that Guns-N-Roses' November Rain did - and it's all about the Orchestra - the music was magical behind the lyrics.
9. Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper, 1984 album She's So Unusual - I've loved Cyndi Lauper since I was old enough to watch MTV when my mom wasn't looking. She was so... 80s! And after her faster music - the softness of this song just broke through into me. Almost 30 years later, I still love this song. The funny thing, I don't think my friends ever appreciated this song... not until the movie Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion. After Romy and Michelle learn to appreciate themselves for exactly how they are, and not what their former classmates expect them to be, they return to their Tuscon reunion in their original personally designed outfits and perform a "dance" with the uber-geek who loves Michelle. That scene was a hit with all of my friends. In fact, we reenacted it at my wedding and at my friend Jess' wedding. It was AWESOME.
10. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, Bryan Adams, 1991 from the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves soundtrack -This song still gives my heart palpitations. It has such a power ballad feel to it, yet again with a beautiful full-orchestra sound. Dustin Burggraaf used to play it on the piano for me, starting in the 7th grade and going through high school. I'm not going to lie, that alone may have influenced my love of this song. There's something about a good looking guy playing the piano so passionately that just makes my knees go weak. Every time I hear the melody for this song, I still think back to a boy on the Piano. It was breathtaking.

Stay Tuned for the second half of this list!

design

I am LOVING my new banner and background, but mainly I love the Banner. Background and banner found at
The Cutest Blog on the Block.
I found this new font - Sketch Book - on dafont.com. DaFont is my very favorite site for free fonts. Some don't always translate over very well to different programs, but I get lucky about 85% of the time. So... my current them is a Chalkboard, and I'm blaming Pinterest for that one too. :)   Nothing is my fault, right? So... I think that this might be the background for a while, since I can't seem to stop looking at it. And the 80's colors are just great too!

Another font I used is called Heartz... all Capital letters and numbers are sketchy heart designs:

R K S
LETTERS ABOVE

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NUMBERS BELOW

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13 in '13

Inspired by Courtney Kendrick at cjanekendrick.com, I've decided to make a list of the Thirteen things that I want to do in 2013. So, CJane is doing 36 things in her 36th year - I am not that ambitious. Either that or I am a realist. And my sister was unimpressed with my list. She said that too many of these things were out of my control. And maybe she is right... but that doesn't mean that I can't focus some positive thoughts in their direction and see if we can make them happen! So, let's get to the list.

13 Things I want to do in 2013:

1. Have a Baby - It's no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that we are trying to expand our family. We've been trying for a year now. But 2013 is going to be our year, either by normal methods or my medically assisted methods. And even though we may not succeed, hopefully we create life.
2. Wills - It's past time that Scott and I wrote our Wills. We need to put in writing our plans for Weston's future if anything should happen to us. We know who he should live with (Shannon), but we need to be able to guarantee that she has everything she needs to take care of him.
3. Walk Weston into his first day of Kindergarten, in Altoona - I sent in the Transfer request to have Weston moved from the Des Moines school district to the SE Polk (Altoona) district. We won't find out until April if we've been approved or denied. And they don't ask for any reason... but I included our reasons (daycare, hoping to move to Altoona, etc.) I just hope that it works. It makes me so nervous. I need him to be able to ride the bus to and from daycare.
4. Move - we need to move. We need more space, a bigger house, something with a yard. Something we can grow in. We pay almost $900 a month for rent. I think we need to be getting more for our money. And Weston wants some grass.
5. My 15-yr High School Reunion - Yes, in May, it will have been 15 years since I graduated high school. Either I am going to be helping to plan (again) or I think we should just do something with the important with my close friends. Something to mark the time. I have been friends with Beth and Anousha for 21 years now... and Sue for 18 years. It's crazy and insane to think of how long that is. But I think something needs to be done to celebrate that. Even if we all just end up in Delaware at Beth's house. Or back in Cedar Rapids at Mom's or Beth's Parents. Anything to get together.
        A. Scott's 25th High School Reunion - We will be going to this. We have to.
6. Texas Trip - My parents want us all to go to Texas this year. My grandparents have never met Weston or my nieces. And they can't travel this long of a distance. Our goal was to go while on maternity leave... but that isn't working out according to plan, but we'll try and make it work. I miss Texas, it's my second favorite state.
7. Weekend Trips - I want to take more weekend trips! We want to take Weston to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. I want to go to the IKEA store and the Mall of America in Minneapolis, and we both want to go to Cubs game and the Lincoln Park Zoo (and the Aquarium, and Field Museum, and, and, and...) in Chicago.
8. Complete my 2013 Reading Challenge on Goodreads. - I did this Challenge last year, reading 37 books, beating my goal of 35. I love reading. It relaxes and entertains me in ways that nothing else can. I also think it helps my child to see his parents reading, and enjoying it. This year, I've challenged myself to 40 books, and I've already finished 5.
9. Zoo Membership - We're not getting Adventureland passes this year, it's $110 each... too much money when we go out of town a lot. Instead, I want to spend $100 and get a Zoo membership for our family. It's good for the whole calendar year, so we can do all sorts of stuff, and bring friends, all year round. I want to buy it in March or April with hopefully some good tax returns.
10. Write at least 1 Blog Post per month - I was an epic failure at blogging the last 2 years. And most of friends don't seem to do it at all anymore. I want to keep doing it. I think it's therapeutic. So I'm going to try.
11. Photo Projects - I got a new Canon DSLR camera last fall, part family investment, part Christmas and birthday gift for me. I love it. the pictures are beautiful. But I need to learn how to use the manual settings. The whole point of the camera. I checked, and the local community college doesn't have a Saturday photography class. I was thinking about joining a photography club, but they meet on Tuesday nights. I can't do that. So... I am going to assign myself projects! I want to take a minimum of 15 new photos a month. that's my goal.
12. Valentines by Weston - I want to help Weston write out all of his Valentines, all by himself. He's doing really well, but I think we need to work on writing on the line, etc.
13. Most Important of all: Weston Sleep Trained! - In his own bed on a good schedule, at least 9pm. I'm trying and failing, but it's a goal.

So... that's what I want to do this year, among other things. :) Let's see how this goes!

Red Lipstick is the answer to everything.

Today my heart hurts.

It sort of feels like an anxiety attack - tightening, heart racing and pounding, then it slows down and right when I notice that - it tightens again. And deep breathing isn't helping. Neither is lipstick.

*****
So that was as far as I got yesterday. That's as far as my heart could go.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday. It was 4 days before I missed anything significant. But I couldn't sleep thinking about the possibilities. And even though my womb feels completely empty - don't ask... it just feels... empty. I can't explain it, I took the test. And it confirmed my emptiness. A Big Fat empty spot on the test... only 1 pink line, not 2 lines. In other words, NEGATIVE.

I threw it away and went about getting ready for work. I told Scott. He didn't seem to notice or care. I'm sure that he does, but he reacts so little, that it's hard to feel anything but alone in this. And no matter how many times I tell him that, nothing really changes for long. He said that we can try again. Then again, that's what he's said every month since the Spring when we started trying. I thought that after the surgery, after seeing what I was willing to go through - the pain for weeks - I thought he would be more sympathetic, more communicative, more anything.

I told my sister on my way to work. She gives me all the emotional support that I need. :)  She was sad too. She once again volunteered to be a surrogate. We laughed at how her work would take that - "Um, I pregnant with my brother-in-law's baby. But don't worry, I'm only taking a week off of work since I won't have to take care of it." It's funny that she forgot to leave my part out of it. :)

Once I sat at my desk, I just felt heavy. And so incredibly sad. I applied lipstick for the first time right then. My heart hurt. I held in the tidal waves of emotions and tears that were threatening to fall. No one at works cares enough about me to notice my silence or glistening eyes. I was so incredibly pale in the mirror that the lipstick stuck out. I kept thinking that if we have to go through IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that we would wipe out our Fertility benefit with our insurance... this would be our very last baby. And as my sister says, you automatically want what you can't have. All I could think about was lost possibilities.

I made it through the morning somehow.

At lunch I went to Walgreen's and bought a new hair color, finished some Christmas stocking shopping. I applied another coat of lipstick, finding the perfect shade of red and headed back into work pumped up by some retail therapy.

The afternoon drug by... I started to feel a little lighter. The mantra going through my head: "I'm ok... I didn't lose anything I ever had. I could still hope."

At 4:15, I applied my final lipstick for the day. I felt better. Not great. Not happy. Just not hurting.
And yesterday, that was enough. It's true, the right shade of Red Lipstick can make almost anything enough.

***UPDATE***
Not Pregnant. The test was right. So, we're onto Cycle #2 post surgery. Here we go again!

it's been a while... April is gone, and May is on it's way out too.

Sorry that it's been so long.

Let's put it this way, you know it's been a while when my sister asks when I am going to blog again. :(

I'd blame Facebook, and while that's partly true, it's not exactly true. I just haven't had any urge to be on the computer. I'll be doing something or just sitting somewhere and a great blog idea will come to me, and I'll be working it out in my head for while. Then when I'm ready to put it into words or start writing or whatever you want to call it, I just can't bring myself to get onto the computer. I have this fabulous little netbook that I used to be so in love with. Absolutely in love with. And on occasion, I am still in love with it. I love that I can use it in bed or at a campground if I choose. But, after spending all day on the computer at work, the last thing I want to do is "work" at home. I even Facebook on my phone to avoid the computer. (Though if you ask my sister, it's because I am a "tech-whore." Her words, not mine.) So, that's my reason - I hate acting like work at home. Freud it all you want, I generally feel the same about work too.

I heard about a study on the news a while ago... you live longer if you like the people that you work with. I love the people that I work with. It's the reason that I have stayed here even though times are so bad that I have nightmares about this place. I spend 9 hours a day around these people, and I truly like them all and love some of them. (Just some, not all.)So... what's been going on in the Land of Erin?

Weston turns 3 in about 10 weeks. I've reserved the room for his birthday party and need to work on the invites so I can get RSVPs since it's a pool party. Underwater theme. Something different than Cars or trains. And speaking of, Weston is very much into CARS 2 and Thomas the Train, and suddenly Curious George. He's getting to the point of being a little mouthy and definitely a toddler. He seems to be eating rarely, though if he's hungry, it's a thunderstorm of "Mom!!!!" But he's such a "little boy" now. Oh, and he's in love with babies.

Which brings on our next topic. Baby #2. It's not that we don't want another baby. We very much do. It's the affordability of another baby. Can I afford over $500 every 2 weeks for daycare? And where would we put it? And will my job work with me? Will my job still be here??? So many concerns. But I am definitely feeling the baby fever. Scott is feeling it. And Weston? Well, if you ask him, he says no. He has Baby Elle (our friends' little girl) and he's good with her.

And on the note of another baby... I was standing next to my husband the other day, and I was pretty close. I was shocked to see that without shoes that I barely come up to his shoulders. And it made me blush. Sometimes the way Scott looks at me reminds of when we started dating and I just giggle. Yes, girlish little giggles. I wish I could have more of these moments. I wish that Scott and I could have more of these moments together. I loved how we were at the very beginning. In the "new" time. I loved how we were when I was pregnant and just after Weston was born. We were so good as a couple. We were so loving. Now... we're tired. Constantly tired. I think it's mostly my fault. I'm so stressed lately. And I've been battling some wicked spring headaches. But in general, I'm quiet. I've got so much going on in my head, that I just don't want anything coming out of my mouth. So I don't say anything. But I am trying. During those "good times" I noticed something... we touched. A lot. Nothing naughty, well not all the time, but in general. He'd play with my hair, I'd lean into him on the couch, we'd hold hands. So, I am trying to do that. I want to do that. It's an effort that I can make. And I think it's helping. It makes me happier. And anything that does that is a good thing, right?

So... the last thing on this agenda is Mom. You've been waiting the whole time for this part, right? Mom is doing... AMAZING!!! She is getting so much stronger! Her numbers are great and the bone marrow donated by that young man has taken control! What a wonderful young man!!! (We joke that all Mom ever needed was a Young Man inside her!!! tee-hee!!!)

So, that's it now. This is already long enough. Any topics you'd like me to reflect on next?

the color of hope

This weekend I made Cancer Awareness Bracelets.

Each bead represents a type of Cancer. Obviously there are some repeats.

Orange = Leukemia; Pink = Breast; Teal = Cervical & Ovarian; Yellow = Bladder & Bone; Dark Blue = Colon; Clear = Lung; Lime Green = Lymphoma; Black = Melanoma, and Lavender = General Cancer. I obviously couldn't represent every form of cancer. So I chose the ones that I know have a connection to the people around me. If I missed anyone, well, then it's Lavender for the misc. cancers and I am sorry. Also, I attached a Charm to each. Mine says "Believe." Mom's is "Love." Shannon's is "Hope." and Linda's is "Peace." Stores charge over $20 per bracelet. Are they giving the $10+ proceeds to charity? I hope so. If I decide to market these... My new brand will be called: MAD@Cancer (Mom's initials: Mary Anne Damon). Any interest?

Likes:

1. Having an impromptu Girls Night Saturday evening. Thanks Danell and Shannon!

2. The Amana Colonies in the Fall. I forgot to take any pictures, but it was a wonderful afternoon with the family yesterday.

3. My second to last class of Tai Chi is tonight!!!!

4. Cheesecake! My friend Adam brought me homemade cheesecake for my lunch!!!

Dislikes:

1. Weston's horrible sleeping patterns on Sundays. It does not make for a good week.

2. Lean Cuisine's Pasta with Ricotta and Spinach. It had too much spinach, not enough seasoning. And it is not a friend of my tummy.

3. Uncle Dave is in Germany... so not liking the high Terrorist Threats right now. :(

It's the Weekend!

This picture of Weston was taken at Spring Lake Park in Cherokee, Iowa, on September 11th. It was the Iowa/Iowa State Game and we were visiting Scott's Mom and Sister. Weston was bored in the apartment, so Aunt Carol and I took Weston to the park. And he was so cooperative while I played with my camera. I love this picture of him. He looks so calm.

Likes:

1. Today is Friday. And it's a Bye Week, so no Hawkeye Football this weekend, time to rest and be away from the tv.

2. HuHot tonight!!!! Goodbye cravings!

3. ValleyFest is tomorrow in West Des Moines. It is the premiere marching band competition in Central Iowa. And I'm a Band Geek!!!!

4. We're headed to Cedar Rapids Sunday to see Uncle David off to Europe for work. Then we're headed to the Amana Colonies with Mom and Aunt Linda for Octoberfest Fun!!!

5. I got my test results back from my diabetes appt and I am doing so well!!! My A1C (which is the fool-proof way to tell if I've behaved over the last 3 months) went down from 7 to 5.9!!! And the doctors are usually happy with a 6.5! Yea!!!

Dislikes:

1. Dad isn't feeling too well, plus work, so we won't see him this weekend.

2. Uncle David leaves for Europe. Always a little scary.

Not too many dislikes today. Just the way I like it!!!

Things I can't grow out of...

Today I read an interview with Kevin Smith on Newsweek.com. It's great. In it, he discusses how his career has enabled him to continue being a teenager throughout his adult life, and how the mediocrity of his latest films has put into perspective the fact that his teenage side is fading away. (To which I say, just give them more chances! I loved Zach & Miri, and the more you watch Jersey Girl, the better it gets, and Clerks II, wasn't so great, but still!)

Anyway, this article got me thinking... about my teenage/college years and the things that have stuck with me almost half my life (trust me... the road to 30 is bringing back all sorts of nostalgia, it's only 6 months and 14 days away. *Which means Christmas is only 6 months and 13 days away, so get planning!) So... here's a list of things that have stuck through my teen years into adulthood:

Food:

1. Dipping Wendy's French Fries in Frosties. Chocolate Frosties, back when there was only one flavor and one word for a Frostie.

2. late night overnight snacks, these delicious tidbits always make me yearn for a Slumber Party: Brownies with Powdered Sugar (Thanks Beth), Puppy Chow (thanks Anousha), Twizzlers, and canned Nacho Cheese.

3. Pizza Hut White Sauce... you can't find it in Des Moines, which is one of the biggest disappointments of my life.

4. Dill and Greek Food... thanks to Mary Ann Tahmasebi for her fabulous cooking. Because of her, I was never afraid to try something new, especially when it comes to Greek Food. I could live on Greek Spaghetti, and now love Dill (from the rice she used to make Iraj) and eggplant. Also... I eat Ham (I know, I live in Iowa, but I swear I never liked it until Mary Ann's Virginia Baked Ham.) And don't get me started on her restaurant, Maude's... my family had some of our best meals (food and conversation) there. Maude's made me a better tipper, along with Anousha's help.

Media:

1. Natural Disaster Movies: Twister, Dante's Peak, Armageddon. I am in love with the big screen concept of "Man vs. Nature." Wouldn't Ms. Boyd be so proud!

2. Romance Novels. Beth introduced me to the "trashy novels" and I've never enjoyed a breather from real life more. Usually quick reads, most of these books get a bad rep just because they are a shelf away from the Harlequin romance section. Still my favorite (and possible my favorite book ever): Remembrance by Jude Devereaux. Read it. now.

3. Television. TV hasn't been great in years. There are the grabbing shows still but nothing like what used to be. ER, Friends, and yes, even Dawson's Creek, these shows captivated us then, and we still spend hours watching reruns now.

** a special note: I love JJ Abrams. He created Alias, possibly my all-time favorite TV show. Definitely the only one I love to watch on DVD. Abrams populated Alias with cast members of Felicity, the great characters, not the annoying main characters. And he truly seems to enjoy these actors. Alias was on for 5 seasons and the look rarely changed at its core. Love all the characters, but I still intellectually swoon over Victor Garber (Jack) and David Anders (Sark.) Can't help it, they are delicious. But seriously now, for me, Abrams went from Alias to LOST, one of my current addictions, and a tons of his actors went to Heroes, another current addiction. And then there is his directorial deliciousness, Star Trek (11). Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. My entertainment junkie alter ego is seriously thankful for JJ Abrams.

Others:

1. Cooking... I'm still addicted and keep trying new things. I love it, I love to have people eat what I create. It makes me happy when they like it, it's a little high for me.

2. Art... I am still very creative. I just don't have as much time as I used to. I still paint some, but more often I decorate cakes and other things....

I'm sure there are more. I'm more into clothes and makeup than high school, but I have retained my glam-Gothic makeup trends from college. I enjoy them every so often. :) I hope this hasn't bored you, but has inspired you to evaluate who you've become... and if things ever really change all that much.