13 weeks in frame...

13 weeks of our babies in pictures - thank goodness for cell phones!

Nicknames that have evolved
Sebastian - Bash, Basher, Munchkin, Littlest Jones
Keegan - Keegs, Keegers, Keegalicious (middle of the night, but it sticks), Pumpkin, Littler Jones
Weston - Little Jones, Buddy

BIRTHDAY!!! 12/12/13 (6 weeks early)
living in the NICU, hooked up to: IV Antibiotics, feeding tubes, "room air" oxygen push, and in incubators to regulate their temperatures. Sebastian ends up under the Bilirubin light for a few days to fight Jaundice.

WEEK 1 - Major Progress!
Antibiotics ceased, Oxygen tubes removed, no more bili lights, and we're kangaroo holding - which is skin-to-skin holding. Keegan snuggles in, while Sebastian licks me until he falls asleep.

12/19/13
Both boys only have feeding tubes, though they are breast & bottle feeding when they have the energy. They have also been moved to open air cribs!

Week 2
Noticing the world around them, working on weight gain and consistency, and wearing clothes!!! Keegan meets Weston through a glass window and slightly open door first, and then on Christmas Eve Weston and our nieces meet both babies through the glass window. My Dad and brother hold them for the first time.

12/26/13 - My Birthday!
Still working on growing and eating, maintaining body temp, and not having any "spells" - once they reach these goals, they can go home!

1/4/14
Sebastian came home 12/31/13, and Keegan joined him on 1/4/14. finally, our family under 1 roof, and no need to leave the house in awful weather to venture to the NICU.

1/12/14
They are thriving! Both are gaining weight, but still not sleeping for long.

2 Months Old!!! 2/12/14
Photo shoot courtesy of Tylenol and 8 wk vaccinations.

2/14/14
Happy Valentine's Day from Aunt Shannon and soon-to-be-Uncle Bill.
Weston is in love with his baby brothers.

2/20/14 - Time has flown by and these boys have grown by leaps and bounds. They've doubled their body weights and added 2+ inches to their lengths. They're smiling and amazing. Keegan developed a Hemangioma - a birthmark that appears as a rubbery, bright red nodule of extra blood vessels in the skin. It grows for the first year of life and then fades until there is little to no trace of it. It really came in handy for telling them apart for the first few weeks at home. :)

2/20/14 - Synagis Vaccinations #2
Because they were preemies, our boys had to get what is more commonly known as RSV vaccinations. They got mailed to us directly and a home health nurse (Laura) would come out and administer them. So, here they are waiting for their shots just after being weighed. I swear Sebastian knows exactly what is going on.

Whenever these boys are too fussy, we strip them. Just like their big brother, being naked calms them down. the hate being too warm. Weston will take any excuse to remove his clothes.

We had pictures taken at the hospital on 12/31/13, you know, the ones where they visit in the first days after birth? Or in our case, almost 3 weeks after birth. We had to wait until they were both healthy enough to leave their NICU room. I had this print made at Shutterfly.

Naked Baby Time! Taking advantage of an outfit change and a 60 degree day.

For the baby shower thrown by my sister, guests were encouraged to design onesies. Our nieces made 2 of my faves - Sebastian is wearing Zoey and Keegan is wearing Paisley.

Keegan's hand in mine. I think baby hands just might be my favorite body part. And his are so perfect! And huge for his size!

3/12/14 - Our babes are 3 months old today! they offer smiles and coos, they love to be held and cuddled. Both are doing really well.

Our babies caught the cold bug that Weston and I've had. Keegan had it the worst at first with a bad cough. Sebastian's popped up again this past weekend, and mine came back with a vengeance. These Rock-N-Sleep things from Fisher Price have been a lifesaver. I wish I had one with Weston.

Weston had Dr. Seuss week at school. Monday was Red Fish, Blue Fish day. So we made him a shirt using his hand prints a la Pinterest. He wanted his brothers to match, and they were quickly growing out of these.

3/8/14 - almost 3 Months!
We had their 3 month pictures taken at Target, and then had family pictures taken as well. (see the left sidebars.)

We baptized our babies at St. Paul Lutheran on 3/15/14. I forgot to charge the battery on my camera, so this is what I have until I collect from everyone else. It was another hard time without Mom, but Dad put on a brave face and really enjoyed his grandsons. We had a great evening with both sides of the family and our friends.

3/16/14 - Sunday brunch with Scott's family. Sebastian is not thrilled about the layers in his outfit, how his cold is progressing, or the fact that I am posing him without the bottle in his mouth. He got over it, and never really did cry.

 This is the background on my phone's lock screen. It's basically a week in pictures. Papa and Keegan, Sebastian's selfie that he messaged to my friend Tuesday morning. Keegan's selfie that he instagrammed so he wouldn't be forgotten (As if!!!), and my Jones' Boys in their St. Patrick's gear. The Itty Bits are actually wearing Weston's hand-me-down tees from 2009. No idea how tight they must have fit him!

This is 3/21/14 - finally wearing the Owl hats I had made for them - and of course it's almost spring. :)

Since I've been gone...

My Mom died over 5 months ago, October 18, 2013 .
It was not beautiful, but it was mercifully fast. Mom didn't suffer as much as we did, and I thank everything for that. It was a little supernatural in that I heard something hit the floor upstairs near her bed right as she passed. We looked everywhere, nothing had fallen. I think it was Mom. It's all it could have been, at least in my head.
I wrote her obituary, at her request, and it's some of the best writing that I've ever done, or so I've been told. I'm glad that I could honor her that way.
I'm not over it. I will never be over it. I miss her every day, every night, whenever I look at my children. And yes, I said Children.

My boys were born Dec.12th. They were 6 weeks early from their due date and 4 weeks early from our scheduled C-section.

Everything was fine and normal on Dec. 11th. I had my regular apt with the Perinatal Center - ultrasound and non-stress test came back great. Babies had turned sideways, but we all thought that was good- they were getting ready for the final stretch. As I was leaving, my brakes went out on our car. Everything ended up fine- I wasn't hurt, and I managed to make it to a gas station on one of Des Moines' busiest roads. he car was towed, and my sister picked me up. My aunt was in town watching Weston before and after school since our daycare was closed, because they had their baby. We went to dinner that night all together, and I still felt fine. No problem.
I woke up at 5am on Thursday, December 12th, having to go to the bathroom. I got up and felt like I wet myself. 15 minutes later, I woke up and realized that people do not go to the bathroom for 15 minutes. So I called the hospital nurse and confirmed that my water had broke. So we went off to the hospital in a great rush - no packing, Weston wouldn't even wake up. We were just so lucky that my aunt wasn't supposed to leave until 9am. She took care of Weston and got him off to school, and then joined us at the hospital. I was so ridiculously calm. Scott too. There was no freaking out or anything. I still can't believe how calm and surreal it all was. The nurses actually told us that Scott and I were the cutest couple, one of their favorites. I didn't feel like we were being particularly nice to each other, but hey, we'll always take a compliment.
It took 5 hours for the hospital to get everything in order (I totally had time to pack!!!) It was smooth and so much different from Weston's emergency C-section. I actually had contractions this time. But they never got bad enough to need medication, but they were almost to that point. :)
But, it was nice to talk to the doctors and nurses, to have time to comprehend everything.
Keegan Nathaniel was born at 11:31am, 5lbs 4oz, and 19" long. He was doing well enough for me to see him up close.
Sebastian Miller was born at 11:34am (though it felt so much longer than 3 minutes in between since they had to pull him out from under my ribcage). He was 4lbs, 12 oz and 17-1/4" long. He wasn't doing as well, so I saw him through the incubator.
The babies were immediately transported to the NICU, while I was taken to surgical recovery. I had an amazing experience. Everything was calm, our babies cried when they were born, and I got to see them before they went upstairs. The doctors and nurses were amazing, very caring and I didn't feel like I was on an assembly line. I really wish Mercy would send me a survey or something. I was able to see my babies in their NICU room within 3 hours and I was able to hold Keegan by 9pm that evening.
I was in the hospital for 4 days, and it was weird being in the maternity ward without babies. It was also lonely, especially at night. I was up and walking by the next day. I only missed 2 days of being in the NICU with my boys in over 3 weeks, and it was weather related. Our winter weather has been awful since these boys were born. It's like they brought ice and snow with them - probably so they could snuggle more.
Our boys were in the NICU for about 3 weeks. It felt so much longer. The first few days were the longest, and most frightening, but looking back, we really had it easy. Our boys were rock stars. They were born at a great size (I think they would have been 8-9 pounds had they gone to their scheduled delivery date), and were in pretty good health. They needed help breathing, so they were on Room-Air Oxygen, what that means is that room air is pushed into their lungs to help them breath regularly. It's a big step down from pure Oxygen. They were also on antibiotics (to cover the bases), feeding tubes, had their blood sugars checked regularly, 4 different heart/lung monitors, and in incubation boxes (I'm sure that there is a better name, but it's a plastic box.) Within a week, they had made vast improvements. I thought for sure that we'd have them home for Christmas. Everyone said I was wrong, but I looked at it as being optimistic. The boys had to meet four requirements before their release:
1. Maintain their body temp
2. Continually gain weight
3. Eat by mouth (breast or bottle) consistently for 48 hours - since they were early and smaller, eating completely tires them out, so they occasionally had to be fed through the tube so they would have enough energy to bottle feed the next time. The more the eat, the more they grow, the more tired they get trying to get there. It's a vicious cycle.
4. No Spells - what are spells? Spells are cycles where the baby's heart rate & breathing drop very low for longer than 15 seconds before their body recovers, either on their own or with assistance. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.
So, as I said, I was optimistic for a Christmas homecoming. The boys were rocking it, Sebastian was finally overcoming his spells and was really picking up the eating. On 12/23 the boys were circumcised. Sebastian sailed through and kept moving forward. Keegan just couldn't get over the stress of the circumcision and/or the overall pain. He started having set backs - spells, not eating, maintaining, but not gaining weight. It was a long 12 days with him.
Sebastian was released from the NICU on December 31, 2013. It was the hardest thing leaving Keegan behind. But it was the right choice and place for him. If he had been released and had to be readmitted, he would have gone to the PICU (Peds) instead of the NICU - and there are so many more infections in the PICU. Weston and Sebastian got to know one another, and I really think it helped Weston to only have one baby to deal with. Once on his own, Keegan really started to flourish. We were back on the countdown to release.
Sebastian came home the afternoon of January 4, 2014. It was crazy saying good bye to the NICU and signing out for the last time. We plan on going back and taking some of the boys clothes... not all NICU babies are tiny. :)
Its been an amazing time. I was able to stay home with them for an additional 7 weeks, so I was gone from work for 10 weeks. I had help for 8 of the 10 weeks. My aunt came of from Cedar Rapids for 2-4 days 8 of the 10 weeks. She was a godsend. My sister and her fiance also come by to hold and cuddle and help out as needed, and Weston has been a big help too. Well, as big of a help as a 5 year old wants to be. The boys are smiling and cooing and starting to laugh in response to tickling. All is good so far. :) My Mom would just love these boys. They each like to be held and cuddled and then they want to be put down for time on end - she would have loved that.

the coming End of a Battle

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.
Love is a battle, Love is a war; Love is growing up."

- James A. Baldwin

I have no idea who James A. Baldwin is... but I like his thoughts.

I feel ravaged from Battle... and yet, I know that so much more is going to come.

I haven't written; I didn't know how. I still have a hard time putting anything into coherent sentences.

My Mom is dying.

She was released from the hospital 10 days ago, to basically go home and succumb to the infection that she contracted in the hospital. There was nothing more that they could do, so they unplugged her from the IVs and platelets and medications, and that was that.

Since she felt great, we met her at Riverside Casino for an afternoon of her favorite hobby. And she and Dad won pretty well too - which helped in their visits to the casino since (2 or 3 more times, I've lost track.) But things...

I'm just going to post this as is... interrupted and all.
So much has happened since I started this post, and I will need time to process my next post. I know this doesn't answer any pending questions, but it is what it is.

"LoverLove does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

James A. Baldwin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jamesabal100681.html#2gH8fkthfzqXzi1L.99

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
James A. Baldwin
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/battle.html#iFuvF7oj4dHP8Hi6.99

Baby Bump

"Is it called a Baby Bump when it's twins? Or just when it's a tiny bump?"
"Ummm... It's always a bump, no matter how big. Think speed bump." 

*facepalm*

21.5 weeks - first maternity wear

20 week update:

Craving of the week - Pickled Beets. I think I could eat a whole jar if left alone too long!

Had the 2 hour Biophysical Scan last Friday.

Our BOYS are doing fantastic! "A" had a heart beat of 152 and was measuring right on at 20 weeks at 12 oz weight. "B" had a heart rate of 155, measuring at 11 wks, 4 days, weighing 11 oz. We got all the info that the doctors needed except some specific heart scans having to do with the aorta, etc. I will go back in 4 weeks to have the entire scans redone. Because they're bigger, they want to redo all the scans. Another 2 hours... yay.

We're still working on names. I think we have one settled, and have narrowed down the other to 4 or 5 choices. :)  We have a short list of middle names, all family, and so we're trying to make the best choices for first names.

I also think we've settled on Godparents. And I need to get a Will put together so that our wishes are honored. Gotta love responsibility. :)

And here's the Fruit photo for this week! Bananas!!! This is how the babies were positioned at our scan on Friday... Baby "A" is head down and feet up, Baby "B" is lying across A's feet with his head on my right and his feet on my left.

Oh and Weston did the cutest thing ever last night. He left to run an errand with Scott, and before he ran out the door, I got a Huge squeeze and kiss good-bye. And then he turned back and threw he arms around my tummy, planting a kiss on each side. "I had to kiss my brothers good-bye too!"
These little boys have no idea how lucky they are when it comes to big brothers. They really did hit the jackpot!

Time for some Fruit!!!
(pardon Scott's horrible focus... I think he might need glasses.)

"T" for TWINS!!!

Happy July!

So... I've been busy and trying not to think about the long wait of our ultrasound.
But, it happened on Tuesday, finally!

And both babies are doing great!!! They were measuring about 1 day ahead of schedule (and can go +/- 1 week at any time.) Their heart rate was 178 (A) and 176 (B) beats per minute. They looked good, and my visit went ok.

Our Facebook Announcement

So, we blasted the news on Facebook, etc.  It was just too hard to keep secret. Weston has known for over a week. He took it really well, but is pretty much over it now. :)

So the babies are good. I, on the other hand, am not. I found out at my OB appt that 3 of the 4 regular medications that I am on, are not good for our babies. I immediately stopped one of the blood pressure pills and was scheduled for an emergency appt with the Endocrinology Center at Mercy on Wednesday morning. All of my diabetics medications have been stopped. I am now on Insulin Pens 4 times a day, but it will most definitely increase. That was the huge difference. Being told by my family doctor that my numbers are good, and then suddenly finding out that even my best number isn't good enough was just devastating. I want to do all I can to give these babies a healthy start. And feeling like I wasn't given the right information off the bat... it's so frustrating. But, while I have a long way to go, and I'm not close to where I need to be yet, I do feel like I am on my way. I really liked the Endocrinologist and the Diabetic Educator. And I think that's a great start!

So, we had an uneventful 4th of July. Scott had to work, so Shannon and I took Weston to the Altoona Aquatic Center. And she and I both got sunburned pretty badly. It's like the sunscreen doesn't even work anymore. Today I went to work while Scott stayed home with Weston. There's talk of a movie or maybe a trip to the playground at the mall. Whatever they do, it will be awesome. Tonight we're having dinner with friends and in the morning, Shannon and I are headed to the Des Moines Farmer's Market, finally! It's going to be a low-key, healing weekend. I need to get my kitchen in order. I need to the get the house in order, we have babies coming. :)

Longest Wait Ever

the wait until my next ultrasound is killing me. Literally. I can't take it. We have another 10 days. July 2nd. 2pm. can not come fast enough.

It's been exactly one week since we found out that our pregnancy was not only healthy and viable, but a double blessing of twins. And it feels so right. Like it was always like this. It's not as shocking to me as it is to everyone else. I don't know why.

Scott's still not into talking too much about Baby Names. I'm collecting a list... this is going to be tough. but so amazing!!!

It's the weekend. More specifically, it's Garage Sale weekend. I'm spending the night at my SeaStar's house in her amazing bed. Can't wait. But we have so much to do before 7am tomorrow morning. :)
The high for tomorrow is 95*, I really want to be done by noon.

Have a Happy Weekend!!!

So Blessed!!!

So our first ultrasound was today. And it was so stressful.  I was so worried. I practically made myself sick.
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound. 

I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.

She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!

Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.

Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)

We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)

Our new Babies. A & B. or Top and Bottom :)

a note from the Grouch...

"Why are you mad all tonight, Mommy?"

This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."

Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.

This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?

So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.

So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.

And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.

Anxiety Overload

I had my pregnancy confirmed at the doctor on Monday.
She also took a large blood sample.
I got the results yesterday.
My hGC (the pregnancy hormone) was a little lower than they would like, at 222. (I searched, and average is 5-426, the higher the better.) So it could be because we were testing so early. Or for a variety of other bad reasons.
I am going back today to have it retested. We're hoping that the numbers are at least hitting 450. It's important that they double every few days, this shows that everything is growing as it should.

I've been so nervous and anxious. But today, I've also added nauseated (I don't think this pregnancy like eggs too much.) and heartburn (my anxiety default.)

I'm just so scared of going through another loss. Shannon says that I am trying to disassociate myself from potential loss by pretending it doesn't feel real yet. It feels real. It feels too real. Maybe my inner emotions are more Vulcan... too much to let out on the surface? I'm trying to hard. I'm praying to everything and everyone I can.

On another note, we're moving on Saturday. And all of our non-family back up has backed out. I've spent this week just wanting to be sick over the work ahead. Not to mention that I keep falling asleep at 7 pm... and I can't help it. It's like my body just shuts off. Anyway, I just secured movers and that should really help us out. It's going to be costly, but I can make it work.

1 hour until the blood test.... more info to follow.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

Random Thoughts...

I've been playing with a blog post in my mind this past week, but it doesn't seem to be as easy to write as it is in my head. So, forget it. I'm just going to ramble it all out.

1. As I am sitting here, I am analyzing every twinge, ripple, feeling that could possibly herald the arrival of Aunt Flo. According to the calendar, it's due to arrive today. But it could be a few days late. I have refused to test. I just don't see the point. But more importantly, I am afraid of the answer either way. Negative = another month of heartbreak, the whys, the whens, the hows. The overwhelming feelings of guilt of failure that will just wash over me... and sometimes, they already wash over me. A Positive = Fear, panic... a constant fear of losing another baby. The fear to be happy and relaxed after something so horrible happened. I just don't see a happy feeling either way this week.
2. We get the keys to our new duplex tonight. Did I mention that we're moving? We're moving. In 9 days. We went through our garage last weekend with the help of my parents and aunt. It was traumatic. We lost our guest room mattress and springs to mice damage. And a whole box of good clothes to water damage. Threw away a lot and am selling a lot more. I also measured my hutch, and it is too large for our kitchen. :(
3. I hate packing. I'm not any good at it. So this weekend, I am planning on moving over everything that isn't bolted down and can fit in my car. to avoid packing. Not sure yet how we are packing the dishes. I may need to invest in paper plates for a while... but we don't have a dishwasher at the new place. Oops.
4. Weston's last T-Ball game is this Saturday. It's a reschedule because of the horrible spring weather that we've had. I'm coaching. Yep. That's right. Our coaches are out of town, as well as some other players. No one was expecting this. So I got asked to coach. It should be interesting. :) I just hope that we make it in time... Shannon and I are desperate for some Farmer's Market time. So we're going at the crack of dawn.
5. I came to the realization last night that we would have found out the sex of our baby next week. It's going by so fast. And I'm ok most days, it's just that our daycare provider is also pregnant. And she's talking about it constantly and counting the weeks. And everyone is excited for her. I think I am as well... it's just that it's a constant reminder of what we've lost. I can't seem to get past it.

I'm done rambling. I'm hungry and waiting for lunch. and trying to work to get everything done.

an open letter to JJ Abrams...

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I am a huge fan. From Felicity to Alias (OMG, Alias!!!) to LOST to Fringe and on to Star Trek, Super 8 and beyond, there is very little that you can do wrong when it comes to my personal entertainment over the last twenty years. (Yes, I enjoyed Forever Young and your early writings too.)
When I had heard that you were taking on the Star Trek franchise, I was beyond excited. When I saw the movie I was enraptured and completely blown away by your lighting and the visual effects.The story was fantastic - a reboot would have been too simple. An alternate timeline though? Brilliant! I loved the casting of hard working but not über-famous actors. We could grow with these characters.
You have made me love this storyline when I only had room in my American NerdGirl heart for Skywalkers and Solos.

That being said... This three year wait has been brutal. I understand that it takes time to make movies of this caliber, I really do. But the selfish movie-lover in me is impatient. I haven't even seen this new movie, and I am already hoping that you are hard at work on the next one.
Please be working on this next installment. Please get a head start. You know the world is on the edge of our seats for the next chapter. Please.

Benedict Cumberbatch, JJ Abrams, and Chris Pine
event for 'Star Trek: Into Darkness' 2013

Oh, and Mr. Abrams - I am expecting the same care and treatment for the Star Wars franchise as you've given Star Trek. I'm just saying....

Sincerely,
an Iowa NerdGirl

P.S. I forgot to mention my favorite of what feel are your signature traits, and it goes back to actors: I Love how you value the actors that you work with. I love how I continue to see them pop up through your various endeavors - Hello, Greg Grunberg in Felicity, Alias, and a single memorable episode of LOST. It says a lot about you and your work, and about the quality people that you work with. Thanks for this too!

num num num

It's been suggested that I write a Food Blog on the recipes that I use for my family.

I'm mulling the idea over. It might be fun. It won't be consistent, but it might be fun. :)

Thinking about it....

normalities

It's been one week since my surgery and the removal of our pregnancy.

Things are slowly getting back to the new normal. I went on a Girls Night on Friday. It was a nice distraction... Oz: The Great and Powerful was a huge disappointment in a movie. Just huge. And it had so much potential. Our late dinner of (mine was cooked) Sushi at Wasabi Chi was amazing. I loved it all, and would definitely go back. If you are reading this from the DSM area, make a visit, and then send me a Thank You note.

What I've noticed about people though... as the week went on, my tragedy was no longer in the front of their minds. And while I understand this, it would be nice to be asked how I'm doing, or to have my Mom want to talk about it. I still need to talk about it. My SeaStar has been a God-send. More than she will ever understand. She lets me talk and cry and talk some more. She is the best sister on the planet. I am beyond lucky to have her.

So, Saturday, we were back to normal. Big family thing - we bought a Family Membership to the Science Center of Iowa and the Blank Park Zoo. It was our big expenditure, but we're doing it in lieu of Adventureland passes this year. We spent about 3 hours at the Science Center Saturday, and then Shannon and I ran errands all over West Des Moines after we dropped the boys at home. It was really rough for me. I'm not sure if I overdid it, or what, but I was in a lot of pain with the worst cramps since labor with Weston, and it was the absolute worst day since surgery. It was so bad that I thought this was all over after it. I was wrong, but nothing has been as bad as Saturday. So, I hope that means that I am healing well.

Last night I didn't go to bed as early as I had hoped (Darned husband got me hooked on the Walking Dead.) But I dreamed a lot last night. A LOT. I dreamt that it was April 2nd. The day of my 3 week Post-op check up. And I was pregnant again. Just newly discovered. And I was afraid that my doctor was going to be so mad at us. And I was so worried that this was too soon, that we were asking for another miscarriage. The kicker? The whole time that I am dreaming about this, in the dream I am wondering how I could even be pregnant at all - it's only 2 weeks from tomorrow, how is that time enough for this to happen? So in my head in the dream, I am worried about a supernatural pregnancy on top of an impending miscarriage and an angry doctor. Wow... Freud would have a blast with that one... I can just hear him (think back to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure for the Freud in my head) -
    "Oh! I zeenk zat you are hazing zee issues of zee babies... ."
See, even the awake stuff running through my head is a bit crazy, so the dream stuff has to be so much more entertaining. :) I hear from the message boards that I belong too, that dreams are normal, even weird guilty dreams.

Obviously, my mind is on babies. In an almost desperate way. I feel more like I did when we struggling with infertility the first time around - jealous and angry and mad at all of the pregnant women and girls around me. A great sense of unfairness. I realize that this is all a part of grieving. I've been told to accept my sadness and anger and everything I feel and to actually recognize it for what it is, grief. And I am trying. I really am. Scott looks at me and asks me if I'm ok, what's wrong, etc. And I'm just wallowing in my feelings. I'm trying to be normal, and for a little while, I am. But sometimes, I just fall back into the wallowing. And apparently, this is normal too.

I am normal. All the time. I just have to accept that for myself. I'm working on it.

she lied

The recovery nurse who said that things wouldn't get any worse than yesterday morning lied. She was wrong.

I’m getting worse by the day.

Yesterday I felt good. Little to no cramping, not even really any after affects. I worked all day, was a little emotional in the afternoon, but I was ok.

Then Weston and I went to Target. And he took forever. And I started to get really tired and a little crampy. I tried to hurry him along. We were doing pretty good together. But then he got mad when I wouldn’t get him a movie from the checkout end cap (after agreeing to a $5 movie and a toy using his Valentine’s money.) I told him he could get the toy or the movie, only 1. And that was the melt down. “I don’t love you, Mommy. I only love Daddy.” Whining and anger and fighting in the checkout. So… I put the movie back, got him the toy, checked out, and dragged him out of the store. (Dragged by the hand, which he held onto, so I guess that doesn't count as dragging, right?) I was crying by the time I got to the car. That freaked him out, which made me cry harder. I couldn’t stop. 

•  “I didn’t know Mommies and Daddies could cry.” 

Um, yeah you did, you've seen it before. Anyway, it was a rough night. Weston kept asking if I was still sad, which I was, terribly, but I smiled for him as best as I could manage. I started cramping very badly around 8pm, and was up until midnight with a heating pad and ibuprofen, because these were the only meds the medical staff told me I could take. I woke up again at 4:20am in so much pain that I couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:50am, finally dragging myself out of bed at 6:30. So, now I am so tired that I can’t control the emotions. I feel like an over-tired baby that just cries and cries until the cry themselves to sleep. Except I can't cry or go to sleep because I have to work. I miss benefits like sick time and more than 64 hours a year for PTO - you know, companies that value family and women. That would be nice. 

I'm on the lookout for ways to grieve other than crying. And something to help my husband. Any ideas? Comment and let me know.

our fruit continues to blossom...

This is what I got in my weekly email this morning. I'm kind of in love with these little phrases! Highlights from this week's progress report:

• By the middle of this week, Baby has 10 toes and 10 fingers (though there's still webbing between them). A small neck has appeared and a distinct profile is already emerging on Baby's tiny face. But here's the most exciting part: Your tadpole/chickpea/raspberry is no longer considered an embryo but--a bona fide fetus with moving arms and legs!

Guess I won't be able to call him or her the Great Embryolio any longer. I need a new name... or I can just go with the berry or fruit of the week!

So... I am surrounded by new babies and expectant parents. Two just announced this week. One is already 5+ months along (no idea how she kept that secret), she announced with a picture of a snowman family made by child #2 including a pregnant snowmom, and the other announced with a bath picture of child #1 on Instagram. I dying to tell people, to make it feel more real. But I know that we have to keep it in until the Ultrasound at the very least. Oh, and one of my sorority sisters announced her engagement last night. It's so exciting. The last of "our group" to take the plunge! Except her potential wedding date is the week of this baby's estimated due date. So we can't go. :(    And that about kills me. (It's in Texas... too far to travel before baby or just after.)

So... yeah. Dying to tell and can't. Always hungry but watching my carbs, etc. :) The next 10 days until this Ultrasound can't come fast enough!

Oh! I had my regular diabetic check up and blood work this week. It's great! The best A1C level in years! So, no insulin shots for the time being!!! I know they are coming, but the longer I can put it off, the better. :)

Ok, back to waiting!!! I'm working on the 2nd Favorite Songs list... it's just taking time. ;)

Blueberry, Anyone?

I keep getting all of these emails telling me at what point of development our baby is at. Most are confusing. Most everything is confusing, and here's why:

I really haven't seen a doctor yet. I mean, I went into my Dr.'s Office, peed in a cup and then was told that I wasn't pregnant, oh wait! I am pregnant. We figured out a date based on my last period and they thought I was 4 weeks along. Dilemma 1. Do you go by the last period or the dates of conception? Dilemma 2. If I'm now 6 weeks pregnant, are we looking at week 7 for the development stuff? Half the sites and apps I use are conflicting.

So, Shannon has a school nurse friend at one of her schools where she is a therapist. And this nurse had the trusty Baby Predictor Dial. (My first family doctor had one, and that's how they estimated Weston's due date in the office. It was about a week off from the ultrasound.) So, based on the average date between the possible conception dates, we have a new due date of October 15th. Dilemma 1solved until March 8th. Onto Dilemma 2 - the app on my phone keeps showing a week ahead of how far along I am. For instance, today, I am 6 weeks, 3 days, so the app keeps showing things for Week 7 - which I guess is the week I am in. A few sites are sending me Week 6 stuff. And I am confused. But I think I am going to go by the app on my phone until I know more.


That being said, today I got an email. "Welcome to Week 7" from Babyzone.com. It explained how our Great Embryolio #2 is evolving from "a tadpole, but by the end of the week it will have transformed into a tiny being that's distinctly humanoid. Its body is continuing to lengthen, the arms begin to bend at the elbows and curve around the heart, which is beating even more rhythmically now. By the end of this week the embryo's whole skeleton--made of bendable cartilage, like a shark--will be fully formed. (It will be replaced by bone soon enough.) The baby has a digestive system now, as well as kidneys, liver, heart, spleen, and even an appendix." Outstanding!

Our little Blueberry Jones

The best part? This week your baby is the size of a Blueberry. Ha! A blueberry! I love it when it's kind of a cute little comparison - anything is better than a Tadpole. :) 

Enjoy your Weekend!!! It's my SeaStar Shannon's 29th Birthday tomorrow and we have plans all day long! Some play time with the kids, a little shopping, manicure for me, pedicures for the girls (I hurt my toe and can't have a pedicure - boo!), then dinner at Ohana with the Girls and out for drinks after! So excited for some girl time!