Anxiety

Right now, I wish I had some Nutella... or a pile of Rolos. Or even a Snickers mini.

I've hit that point in the afternoon where I am usually digging through my purse for loose change. I'm getting hungry (again) and a little heartburn (again) and a little nauseous (again.) This happens at least 4 times a day. And never at the same time. It's worse in the morning. And because I take such a late lunch (around 1:15pm) it hits twice. I hold off until at least 9am, and then again at 11am. Yogurt and watermelon are this week's faves. But in the afternoon... all I want is chocolate. Damned vending machine, it sits there and whispers my name. Today, I could only find $0.55. So, I broke out the saltines... suck on them until the nausea abides (which it hasn't yet.) Now do you see why I'd love some Nutella? With the salt? OMG.

So... I also get heartburn when I'm having an anxiety attack. And I've been building one all day. The ultrasound is tomorrow. What if there isn't a baby again? What do we do? What if I don't have enough emotion left, or I don't show the right emotions?

My friend, Jess asked me last weekend if this pregnancy felt better than the last time. I didn't know what to say. They symptoms are different. This one is more like the little I can remember from my pregnancy with Weston. Or maybe I am seeing similarities to protect my heart. I just know that it isn't anything like the last one. That one was so extreme in almost every aspect. But the truth is, I can't remember. And when it comes to feeling anything inside of me... I don't. And I know it's early, but I feel like I should "feel" something, anything.

I am so scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.

Random Thoughts...

I've been playing with a blog post in my mind this past week, but it doesn't seem to be as easy to write as it is in my head. So, forget it. I'm just going to ramble it all out.

1. As I am sitting here, I am analyzing every twinge, ripple, feeling that could possibly herald the arrival of Aunt Flo. According to the calendar, it's due to arrive today. But it could be a few days late. I have refused to test. I just don't see the point. But more importantly, I am afraid of the answer either way. Negative = another month of heartbreak, the whys, the whens, the hows. The overwhelming feelings of guilt of failure that will just wash over me... and sometimes, they already wash over me. A Positive = Fear, panic... a constant fear of losing another baby. The fear to be happy and relaxed after something so horrible happened. I just don't see a happy feeling either way this week.
2. We get the keys to our new duplex tonight. Did I mention that we're moving? We're moving. In 9 days. We went through our garage last weekend with the help of my parents and aunt. It was traumatic. We lost our guest room mattress and springs to mice damage. And a whole box of good clothes to water damage. Threw away a lot and am selling a lot more. I also measured my hutch, and it is too large for our kitchen. :(
3. I hate packing. I'm not any good at it. So this weekend, I am planning on moving over everything that isn't bolted down and can fit in my car. to avoid packing. Not sure yet how we are packing the dishes. I may need to invest in paper plates for a while... but we don't have a dishwasher at the new place. Oops.
4. Weston's last T-Ball game is this Saturday. It's a reschedule because of the horrible spring weather that we've had. I'm coaching. Yep. That's right. Our coaches are out of town, as well as some other players. No one was expecting this. So I got asked to coach. It should be interesting. :) I just hope that we make it in time... Shannon and I are desperate for some Farmer's Market time. So we're going at the crack of dawn.
5. I came to the realization last night that we would have found out the sex of our baby next week. It's going by so fast. And I'm ok most days, it's just that our daycare provider is also pregnant. And she's talking about it constantly and counting the weeks. And everyone is excited for her. I think I am as well... it's just that it's a constant reminder of what we've lost. I can't seem to get past it.

I'm done rambling. I'm hungry and waiting for lunch. and trying to work to get everything done.

an open letter to JJ Abrams...

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I am a huge fan. From Felicity to Alias (OMG, Alias!!!) to LOST to Fringe and on to Star Trek, Super 8 and beyond, there is very little that you can do wrong when it comes to my personal entertainment over the last twenty years. (Yes, I enjoyed Forever Young and your early writings too.)
When I had heard that you were taking on the Star Trek franchise, I was beyond excited. When I saw the movie I was enraptured and completely blown away by your lighting and the visual effects.The story was fantastic - a reboot would have been too simple. An alternate timeline though? Brilliant! I loved the casting of hard working but not über-famous actors. We could grow with these characters.
You have made me love this storyline when I only had room in my American NerdGirl heart for Skywalkers and Solos.

That being said... This three year wait has been brutal. I understand that it takes time to make movies of this caliber, I really do. But the selfish movie-lover in me is impatient. I haven't even seen this new movie, and I am already hoping that you are hard at work on the next one.
Please be working on this next installment. Please get a head start. You know the world is on the edge of our seats for the next chapter. Please.

Benedict Cumberbatch, JJ Abrams, and Chris Pine
event for 'Star Trek: Into Darkness' 2013

Oh, and Mr. Abrams - I am expecting the same care and treatment for the Star Wars franchise as you've given Star Trek. I'm just saying....

Sincerely,
an Iowa NerdGirl

P.S. I forgot to mention my favorite of what feel are your signature traits, and it goes back to actors: I Love how you value the actors that you work with. I love how I continue to see them pop up through your various endeavors - Hello, Greg Grunberg in Felicity, Alias, and a single memorable episode of LOST. It says a lot about you and your work, and about the quality people that you work with. Thanks for this too!

Some More Musical Notes...

So, we've obviously had some personal obstacles lately, and I've had this half done... now is the time to finish this up. Because life moves one. Back to normal!!!
My list of Favorite Songs is still sitting on my desk. It's time to get to work on Part 2 - numbers 11-20.

11. Rhiannon/Landslide - Fleetwood Mac, both from the 1975 self-titled Album - I love both of these songs equally. Actually at any given moment, I always love one a tad bit more than the other, but they flip so often that they are listed together. Stevie Nicks wrote both songs, and has so much of herself poured into each one that they can only be described as my introduction into the beauty that is Stevie Nicks. I love her. I love the raspy sound of her voice, the tone, the depth. Heck, I heard her singing with Dave Grohl's Sound City Players and I was floored. It was Rock and Alternative and such a crazy blend of Nicks, Nirvana, and Foo Fighters, that while stumped I still just loved it. When a voice can transcend a genre... it's just amazing.
12. Lightning Crashes -Live, from the 1994 Throwing Copper - I first saw this video on MTV in what had to be 1995. The opening chords of this song just make the whole song. They make my chest tighten in anticipation of... I'm not sure what, but it just happens. I have always loved this song, and I bought the entire album just to get it, sometime in 1998. This was the beginning of my love for the Alternative Rock/Post grunge sound. I like to think the other songs on this album, much harder than this, are what lead me to Linkin Park, etc. Everything builds on something before it. As a mom, this song, and especially the video, took on a much deeper meaning. And during my pregnancies, this video is as emotional as a Hallmark commercial. ;)
13. Sugarhigh - Coyote Shivers, from the 1995 Empire Records soundtrack - this song was awesome in the movie sung by Renee Zellwegger and Coyote Shivers. It was great. And it's what led me to the entire soundtrack. Gin Blossoms, Cranberries, this soundtrack has some great bands with popular and songs I'd never heard before. I like the entire thing. And this movie is still one of my favorites! (I add in Renee's part while singing in the car, and my sister actually thinks I sound good. For once.)
14. Hypnotize - Notorious B.I.G., from the 1996 album Life After Death, I don't remember when I first heard this song. In the middle of Iowa, East Coast vs West Coast rap was something that was a big deal, but not a huge deal. The guys "fighting" it over were generic white middle class kids. My brother first brought Biggie into our house. And I liked hearing the beat and the smooth voice pounding out of Nathan's room. When I went to college in 1998, Hypnotize was a regular frat party anthem. My roommate Katie would do the Vivica Fox's stripper pole dance from the movie Independence Day to Hypnotize any time it came on. And then it was featured in the 1999 movie 10 Things I Hate about You. It exploded at the bar scene from there. It's a great song with a great beat. Every time I hear it, I see Katie's stripper dance, and I remember the laughter and happiness that surrounds this song. And the little twinge of sadness at Biggie's life cut short.
15. Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar, from the 1983 album Live From Earth, this song is the Battle cry for all hurt women every where. I loved this song (and most of Pat Benatar's singles) from the moment they hit the radio waves. and 30 years later, these songs are still played on the radio - they are timeless. I love how this song builds and builds to this explosion of Feminist Liberties. ;) And now... every time I hear this song, I no longer see Benatar and her 80s army of neon, scarved empowered women, I see Jennifer Garner and her army of newly initiated 13 yr olds from the movie 13 Going On 30! Great movie if you haven't seen it - even better soundtrack. This song has carried me for 30 years, and it will never grow old.
16. Someday - Mariah Carey, from the 1990 self titled album Mariah Carey, this song blew me away the first time I heard in Janet Berkey's bedroom on the radio while reading an issue of Seventeen magazine. See? I can remember every detail which shows how important this song is. I've heard that she doesn't even like this song because of the changes that Sony made to the original track, and that her husband, Nick Cannon, is begging for her to once again sing it live. Hmmm... I'm not sure I would go to a concert where she didn't sing this song. I was so amazed at her vocal range. People kept comparing her to Whitney Houston. And she is just as good, maybe better. This song began my life long love of Mariah Carey. For the most part, I have loved part of every album she's made (exception - Glitter and everything around that period.) She came back again with The Emancipation of Mimi and it was like she never left. But I'll be honest, this is the top song for me from one of the best Diva's of all time.
17. True Blue - Madonna, from the 1986 album of the same name, though this song came out after earlier hits Like A Virgin and Material Girl, songs that introduced me to Madonna, True Blue made me fall in love with her. This song was so peppy and young and melodious without being a true dance song. It felt most like a song you could sing along to. This was a great record too... but this song sealed the deal for my childhood love of Madonna. I still love everything she has made prior to her Ray of Light album. Disco, leotard sporting Madonna was just something that I couldn't get into. But when it comes to her classics, I'll always be a fan!
18. It Must have been Love - Roxette, from the 1990 soundtrack for the movie Pretty Woman, this song was originally released as Christmas single in Sweden in 1987, but it wasn't until seeing Pretty Woman, that I fell in love with this song. It's the end Love song. When Richard Gere's Edward goes to the slums of LA and sweeps Julia Roberts' prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold Vivian right off her fire escape. This song led to Roxette moving state side, and it led me to some other great music by this Swedish duo. But this song will always be my favorite. It's a great love song and just brings up so many happy feelings.
19. Sabotage - The Beastie Boys, from the 1994 album III Communication, I more than likely first heard the Beastie Boys on MTV, but it was my brother Nathan's love of them that brought them into our house. He played them loud and did it to annoy everyone. But the the funny thing was, I liked them. A lot. Maybe it was the percussionist in me. I remember seeing this video for the first time and just being so tickled by the humor of it, from the cheesy 70's costumes to the overplayed acting. It was great, but then the song was just outstanding. I delved deeper into the Beastie Boys since this song, and while I love so many other songs (the intro to Mullet Head on the Clueless movie soundtrack was by far, ah-mazing, let's be honest, that soundtrack rocked) - Sabotage will always be my fave. And I'm not sure if it's the vision that the video brings, or the beat, or the bonding to my brother... but this song is just a part of my music.
20. Killing Me Softly - the Fugees, from the 1995 album The Score, I first heard this song on MTV Jams in the early morning while getting ready for school. It was a soft beautiful song with just enough hip hop to make it hot. I had fallen in love with Lauryn Hill's voice in the 1993 movie Sister Act 2, and this introduced me to more of her music. I'll admit to enjoying this song above all other Fugees' music and Lauryn Hill's other music, but it led me down a road to experience more than just the usual Iowa White Girl 90s Pop music of my time. I bought The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill a few years later and though she's moved on to music outside of my realm, I still love going back to this song.

Next up in my world of music... the Honorable Mentions!

the next step

It's been an exhausting weekend. After sobbing on my bed Friday afternoon and making all the important calls, you know - Mom, sister, family, close friends - while Scott went to his work and explained why he wouldn't be in on Monday, we packed up to leave for the weekend. (I know, what the hell was I thinking?)

I tried to get away so that we would be the only parents at daycare when we picked up Weston. We weren't so lucky. Hugs and pity and genuine sorrow just flowed from everyone straight into me. Our daycare provider, Weston's other mom, helped explain to my little guy that Mommy wasn't feeling too well, and that both Mommy and Daddy are pretty sad. This resulted in lots of hugs from Weston. Just what I needed! I held it together and managed to keep the tears in until I was in the car. We drove north to spend the weekend with Scott's family. Lots of texts from friends, one of our daycare moms is actually making us dinner for tomorrow night, and has agreed to take pictures of Weston's last swim lesson for me since I won't be there.

8 days old

Weston and his cousin Mackenzie, he's so happy!

  Ok... the whole point of going north was to see our brand new Great-Niece, obviously on Scott's side. She was born just a week ago. We made it to Scott's Mom's apartment in Cherokee late Friday night, in a torrential rain storm. We drove up to Hartley to see the new baby the next afternoon. I was feeling a lot better Saturday, nothing felt any different. I was nervous about holding a baby after what we had going on. I was super chatty in the front seat with my mother-in-law. Scott couldn't hear a lot of our conversation. We were talking about cars and how I want to upgrade to a minivan. And she had the nerve to say, "You don't have any more kids. You don't need a bigger car." Yeah... the day after finding out that our pregnancy wasn't viable. I'm still pregnant and she said that to me. She seriously is in need of some sensitivity training. I told her that I was "Acutely aware of the fact that I didn't have another baby. Thank you."

Smiling in her sleep as we said goodbye

Anyway, I held our new niece Mackenzie. And it was ok. She is beautiful. It was soothing, comforting, good, healing. Weston loves her. And I know that they say that new babies don't smile, but she totally smiled at Weston - with her whole face. We stayed for about 4 hours, and as the fog rolled in, Scott's mom said it was time to go. And after checking the weather for NW Iowa and everything between there and Des Moines, we decided to pack up and head back to the 515 as soon as we got back to Cherokee. It was a long ride in super thick fog and the occasional rain storm, but we made it home at midnight - only an hour or so longer than our usual trip, and we had a stop or two along the way.

It's been a slow, but good normal day. My stomach has been very upset and crampy. I'm not sure if it's because of something I ate, the pregnancy symptoms that have been consistent since day one, or my anxiety over tomorrow's D&C. Probably all three. Every time I use the bathroom, I am deathly afraid that my body has finally caught on, and that I am miscarrying naturally. I want nothing to do with nature. I want this to happen in a hospital, the majority taken at one time.

So, I remembered what the doctor had called what happened to us in the middle of the night Friday... she said that what we have is a Blighted Ovum. Here's what I've found out from the American Pregnancy Association:

• A Blighted Ovum happens when a fertilized eggs attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. A blighted ovum occurs in the first trimester, often before a woman even knows that she is pregnant. (Unless, you're me and track everything to the minute. Though I wonder if our super light pregnancy tests were telling us something?)
• A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman's body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor sperm or egg quality. (I also read elsewhere that the placenta can continue to grow, hormones can still be produced, and bodies still act like they are carrying a healthy pregnancy. I have one of those.)
• A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one.

So... tomorrow is going to be so stressful. But the logical side of my brain says, there never was an embryo. Yesterday that seemed to make it easier. When I looked at the ultrasound, all I saw was an empty sac. It has to be better than seeing a baby without a heart beat on the screen. Right? Probably not... at least yesterday I was ok. Today I've been home in a new rain+ice+sleet+snow storm, and I was randomly  teary all day. It just happened. I imagine that tomorrow will be horrible. And every day after will be a bit better. Then again, I have to go to work, so it could be awful for a while. So I am told. I'll try to post soon. I hope this wasn't too much rambling, I just needed to get it all out.

our fruit continues to blossom...

This is what I got in my weekly email this morning. I'm kind of in love with these little phrases! Highlights from this week's progress report:

• By the middle of this week, Baby has 10 toes and 10 fingers (though there's still webbing between them). A small neck has appeared and a distinct profile is already emerging on Baby's tiny face. But here's the most exciting part: Your tadpole/chickpea/raspberry is no longer considered an embryo but--a bona fide fetus with moving arms and legs!

Guess I won't be able to call him or her the Great Embryolio any longer. I need a new name... or I can just go with the berry or fruit of the week!

So... I am surrounded by new babies and expectant parents. Two just announced this week. One is already 5+ months along (no idea how she kept that secret), she announced with a picture of a snowman family made by child #2 including a pregnant snowmom, and the other announced with a bath picture of child #1 on Instagram. I dying to tell people, to make it feel more real. But I know that we have to keep it in until the Ultrasound at the very least. Oh, and one of my sorority sisters announced her engagement last night. It's so exciting. The last of "our group" to take the plunge! Except her potential wedding date is the week of this baby's estimated due date. So we can't go. :(    And that about kills me. (It's in Texas... too far to travel before baby or just after.)

So... yeah. Dying to tell and can't. Always hungry but watching my carbs, etc. :) The next 10 days until this Ultrasound can't come fast enough!

Oh! I had my regular diabetic check up and blood work this week. It's great! The best A1C level in years! So, no insulin shots for the time being!!! I know they are coming, but the longer I can put it off, the better. :)

Ok, back to waiting!!! I'm working on the 2nd Favorite Songs list... it's just taking time. ;)

a few Notes...

So, I bought a used iPod Classic (5th generation) with some of my birthday money. I was using Spotify on my iPhone, but I'm not a huge fan. And I hate the fact that I end up using my whole battery of my phone playing music at work, and having no room for apps because I have so much music. So... in my brain it made more sense to have an all-music device. Which after loading music, and realizing what I was missing in terms of songs, it got me to thinking about my favorite songs. I'm musical in the sense that I love music. I have little to no education in music, other than being in band for a number of years, and lets be honest, I didn't learn much about music education - I can't read music, or notes, but I am/was a Percussionist, so I do know rhythm to a certain degree. I appreciate how music makes me feel, the memories these songs invoke. And so I've put together my Ultimate Top 20 list, along with a group of honorable mentions - and how/why I chose each one.

Here We Go:
*As I've started to write this, I've come to realize that this is going to be Long... so I'm splitting it into 3 posts.*

1. Every Breath You Take, The Police, 1983 album Synchronicity - I have long claimed this song as my #1 of all time. And while I am not sure that is technically the case, I do love this song. I love how my heart races just a little when the intro chords start up. This song played all the time on the radio as I was growing up - so much so that I new the words to the song before I understood the meaning (!). This song also cemented my love of Sting, the Police, and the New Wave sound of the 1980s.
2. Broken Wings, Mister Mister, 1985 album Welcome to the Real World - This song inspired the first CD that I ever purchased with my own money. It was a Billboard Radio Hits 1985-1989, and this was the song that caught my attention. I love this song... I love how it seems to make me happy for no good reason. I love that it introduced me to all the other songs on th CD... some that I had never heard of.
3. Alone, Heart, 1987 album Bad Animals - I absolutely love this song... as in I sing it at the top of my lungs whenever i get the chance. And I judge every American Idol contestant as "not-quite-good-enough" to sing it, though they always do. Because it's a classic song showcasing great vocals. Though All I Want to do is Make Love to You was the first song that I learned all the words to, this is the one that sealed the deal and opened me up to all of it, I bought their 1997 album These Dreams: Heart's Greatest Hits and have never looked back - except to download Crazy on You and Barracuda since they were somehow missing. ;)
4. Lovesong, The Cure, 1989 album Disintegration - I'm not sure what to say about this song... except that I am in love with this song. Just hearing it seems to make me have this little sparkle inside. It's dramatic and moody and has this wonderful background melody that's almost happy - all the while with this intense British guy laying out his heart for the girl he loves - and I have a feeling that she doesn't share his feelings. Pity.
5. Don't Dream It's Over (Hey Now), Crowded House, 1986 album Crowded House - one of the most recognizable opening melodies for me, with such as easy melting set of lyrics laid on top. My first memories of this song are it quietly playing out of speakers mounted high on poles at the boardwalk outside of Pensacola, FL. We used to drive to this stretch of beach that felt like forever away and we'd pass sand dunes covered in Cat Tails... and I'd always hear this song. It always transported me back to a warm breezy, salty day of childhood.
   Years later, it has become Scott and my "song" of sorts. Though we danced to another classic (When I Fall in Love by Josh Grobin and Celine Dion), this one seems to fit us much better. When Scott and I were first living together in Sioux City, sharing a small twin bed in his apartment, we'd constantly be bumping into each other, etc. And Scott would always say, "Hey Now"... and no matter how awake (or not) that I was, I'd always finish with "Hey Now, Don't Dream it's Over." And we'd giggle or something. It became a running commentary for us - I even had it requested to play on the radio for Scott's birthday a couple of times.
6. Linger, The Cranberries, 1993  album Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We? - While everyone (including me) loves the song Dreams most notably from the You've Got Mail soundtrack, this is the Cranberries song that really did it for me. The beauty of Dolores O'Riordan's lead vocals just made me want more. This song still feels like I have Angela's plaid shirt wrapped tight all around me, trying to hold all my angsty feelings into their right spot. (On the inside of course.) I just love the lyrics and tone and rhythm to this song. It lead me to the whole CD and so much more.
7. Ordinary World, Duran Duran, 1993 album Duran Duran (The Wedding Album) - This song is so fantastic, and I can't even pinpoint why. This whole album had some really special moments, but Ordinary World just shines! The first few notes play, and they bring to mind some of the best lines ever, "I won't cry for yesterday. There's an Ordinary World somehow I have to find." "Passion or Coincidence, there's something to dismay." The harmony is wonderful, but the lyrics are just outstanding.
8.  Uninvited, Alanis Morissette, 1998 from the City of Angels Soundtrack - This was the first single released by Alanis Morissette since Jagged Little Pill in 1993- and Jagged Little Pill was the first CD I ever owned - a birthday gift from a friend. I fell in Love with Alanis with that CD. I listened to it so much, that I wore it out. Not kidding. Anyway... I remember when I first heard Uninvited - it had this beautiful orchestra and it was so BIG and it filled up so many little places in my body - it still feels that way, even after 15 years. This song resonates musically with me much the same way that Guns-N-Roses' November Rain did - and it's all about the Orchestra - the music was magical behind the lyrics.
9. Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper, 1984 album She's So Unusual - I've loved Cyndi Lauper since I was old enough to watch MTV when my mom wasn't looking. She was so... 80s! And after her faster music - the softness of this song just broke through into me. Almost 30 years later, I still love this song. The funny thing, I don't think my friends ever appreciated this song... not until the movie Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion. After Romy and Michelle learn to appreciate themselves for exactly how they are, and not what their former classmates expect them to be, they return to their Tuscon reunion in their original personally designed outfits and perform a "dance" with the uber-geek who loves Michelle. That scene was a hit with all of my friends. In fact, we reenacted it at my wedding and at my friend Jess' wedding. It was AWESOME.
10. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, Bryan Adams, 1991 from the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves soundtrack -This song still gives my heart palpitations. It has such a power ballad feel to it, yet again with a beautiful full-orchestra sound. Dustin Burggraaf used to play it on the piano for me, starting in the 7th grade and going through high school. I'm not going to lie, that alone may have influenced my love of this song. There's something about a good looking guy playing the piano so passionately that just makes my knees go weak. Every time I hear the melody for this song, I still think back to a boy on the Piano. It was breathtaking.

Stay Tuned for the second half of this list!

13 in '13

Inspired by Courtney Kendrick at cjanekendrick.com, I've decided to make a list of the Thirteen things that I want to do in 2013. So, CJane is doing 36 things in her 36th year - I am not that ambitious. Either that or I am a realist. And my sister was unimpressed with my list. She said that too many of these things were out of my control. And maybe she is right... but that doesn't mean that I can't focus some positive thoughts in their direction and see if we can make them happen! So, let's get to the list.

13 Things I want to do in 2013:

1. Have a Baby - It's no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that we are trying to expand our family. We've been trying for a year now. But 2013 is going to be our year, either by normal methods or my medically assisted methods. And even though we may not succeed, hopefully we create life.
2. Wills - It's past time that Scott and I wrote our Wills. We need to put in writing our plans for Weston's future if anything should happen to us. We know who he should live with (Shannon), but we need to be able to guarantee that she has everything she needs to take care of him.
3. Walk Weston into his first day of Kindergarten, in Altoona - I sent in the Transfer request to have Weston moved from the Des Moines school district to the SE Polk (Altoona) district. We won't find out until April if we've been approved or denied. And they don't ask for any reason... but I included our reasons (daycare, hoping to move to Altoona, etc.) I just hope that it works. It makes me so nervous. I need him to be able to ride the bus to and from daycare.
4. Move - we need to move. We need more space, a bigger house, something with a yard. Something we can grow in. We pay almost $900 a month for rent. I think we need to be getting more for our money. And Weston wants some grass.
5. My 15-yr High School Reunion - Yes, in May, it will have been 15 years since I graduated high school. Either I am going to be helping to plan (again) or I think we should just do something with the important with my close friends. Something to mark the time. I have been friends with Beth and Anousha for 21 years now... and Sue for 18 years. It's crazy and insane to think of how long that is. But I think something needs to be done to celebrate that. Even if we all just end up in Delaware at Beth's house. Or back in Cedar Rapids at Mom's or Beth's Parents. Anything to get together.
        A. Scott's 25th High School Reunion - We will be going to this. We have to.
6. Texas Trip - My parents want us all to go to Texas this year. My grandparents have never met Weston or my nieces. And they can't travel this long of a distance. Our goal was to go while on maternity leave... but that isn't working out according to plan, but we'll try and make it work. I miss Texas, it's my second favorite state.
7. Weekend Trips - I want to take more weekend trips! We want to take Weston to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. I want to go to the IKEA store and the Mall of America in Minneapolis, and we both want to go to Cubs game and the Lincoln Park Zoo (and the Aquarium, and Field Museum, and, and, and...) in Chicago.
8. Complete my 2013 Reading Challenge on Goodreads. - I did this Challenge last year, reading 37 books, beating my goal of 35. I love reading. It relaxes and entertains me in ways that nothing else can. I also think it helps my child to see his parents reading, and enjoying it. This year, I've challenged myself to 40 books, and I've already finished 5.
9. Zoo Membership - We're not getting Adventureland passes this year, it's $110 each... too much money when we go out of town a lot. Instead, I want to spend $100 and get a Zoo membership for our family. It's good for the whole calendar year, so we can do all sorts of stuff, and bring friends, all year round. I want to buy it in March or April with hopefully some good tax returns.
10. Write at least 1 Blog Post per month - I was an epic failure at blogging the last 2 years. And most of friends don't seem to do it at all anymore. I want to keep doing it. I think it's therapeutic. So I'm going to try.
11. Photo Projects - I got a new Canon DSLR camera last fall, part family investment, part Christmas and birthday gift for me. I love it. the pictures are beautiful. But I need to learn how to use the manual settings. The whole point of the camera. I checked, and the local community college doesn't have a Saturday photography class. I was thinking about joining a photography club, but they meet on Tuesday nights. I can't do that. So... I am going to assign myself projects! I want to take a minimum of 15 new photos a month. that's my goal.
12. Valentines by Weston - I want to help Weston write out all of his Valentines, all by himself. He's doing really well, but I think we need to work on writing on the line, etc.
13. Most Important of all: Weston Sleep Trained! - In his own bed on a good schedule, at least 9pm. I'm trying and failing, but it's a goal.

So... that's what I want to do this year, among other things. :) Let's see how this goes!

I can't find the words...

Lego Night! Weston's first time with his new tray and Legos!
January 7, 2013

Every night for the last week or so, my 4 yr old little boy has wanted to play something he calls "Family." We kind of let it go for a bit, and he focused on something else. But then he wanted to play Family in the living room. So, I asked him what Family was?

   "You're the Mommy. Daddy's the Daddy. I'm the Big Brother. And this [Mr. Moose the Christmas Moose] is our Baby Elizabeth. And this [his bear named Teddy] is our Baby Brother. His name is Alex. We're in the car now, Mommy. Do you have your seat belt on?"

And that's how he plays "Family." Every night, he brings his Babies onto the chair in the living room. He makes sure that we hug and kiss our babies. He makes sure that we are all buckled in. And then we are off on an adventure! Sometimes, we drive to Target or Walmart where Weston will get a new toy. Or like last night, we'll be on a boat and I will have to take care of the babies while he and Daddy go fishing. And then he'll try to show his Baby Brother Alex how to catch a fish. Or after we're done fishing, Weston and the babies will watch a movie or a PBS show on his phone.

Every night I am reminded how desperate my child is for a sibling. How desperate he and I have both become. It's all that either one of us can think about. And there really aren't resources out there on how to deal with this... infertility impacting children.

Weston constantly asks me "when will we get our baby?"
"Why does everyone else get a baby and we don't?"
"How come Jackson has a baby (his friend) and Manny (Ice Age 3) has a baby, but I don't have a baby?"
"It's not fair. We need a baby!"

Last week he became briefly obsessed with baby names:
Weston: "I have an Idea! We should name our baby, Baby Ethan!"
Me/Mommy: "We can't. We have a friend named Ethan. We want everyone to have their own names."
W: "You don't like my plan."
M: "Yes, I do. But you wouldn't want [our friend] to name her new baby 'Weston' would you?"
W: "No... but what happens is someone takes our baby's name? Then he won't have a name!"
M: "We don't have a baby yet."
W: (very loudly) "But we will!!! And if someone takes his name, he won't have one!!!"
*We've hit panic mode by this time. We're in the car, and he's practically in tears over his non-existent sibling not having a name, because someone is going to steal it. I have only once choice... the baby name game.
M: "What about we pick a different name. What name do you like?"
W: "I don't know..."
M: "What about Sebastian?"
W: "I like that."
M: "What about Griffin?"
W: "I love Griffin! It's cool!"
M: "What if it's a girl? Do you like Emerson?"
W: "No. It's bad." (I love that name.)
M: "What about Eden?"
W: "I like that. Eden? What about Alexis?"
M: "Well, Alexis is your friend... hey look, we're here!"
*Saved by the front door to where we needed to be.

I took a test this morning. Because I am a Masochist. I knew what the answer would be. But because I've been sick(ish) since Friday, and just this side of nauseous every night since then, the thought had crept into my mind - maybe this time you are pregnant. Maybe you'll be sick the entire time, all pregnancies are different and it's been 4+ years. It great how your own mind can manipulate you into happiness. But it was wrong. a big fat "NEGATIVE" this morning. So much for the holiday spirit working a miracle.
When we were TTC the first time (Weston) it was just me that I had to answer to. Scott to some extent. And the family to others... but everything ultimately game back to me. Now... I feel guilty that I can't give my child the one thing he wants most in the world. Something we all want, but this is so important to him. Weston is getting older. He'll be 4-1/2 at the end of the month. That means even if we are lucky enough to conceive at the next cycle, there will be at least a 5 year age difference between our children. For that reason alone, I hope we are able to have a daughter. It's what Weston wants, and I think the gender differences will make the age difference not as noticeable to them.

Ok... I've said all I can. Now I just have to hold the sadness in until its manageable. That, and I am thinking of having Scott checked out this time. I mean... he is 43 years old. Maybe something needs updated on his end. I mean, after everything I have been through, maybe it's his turn?

Thoughts on Infertility and Siblings?

Sandy Hook

Last Friday, December 14, 2012 at 9:30am EST, a lone gunman, a 20-yr old very troubled young man, walked into an elementary school. He'd already killed his mother with her own gun. We have no idea at this time what his motives were when he walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, but I'm not sure that they are as important as his actions.

*

Adam Lanza walked into Sandy Hook Elementary. He broke a window to gain access. And once inside, he killed 26 innocent people: six teachers and 20 First-grade children, before turning the gun on himself. Six and seven yr old children riddled with bullets, some covered by the courageous women who had thrown themselves into harms way to protect the smallest victims.

*

It's been 5 days since this horrific event. It's still all over the news and the Internet. And Facebook has become a living, breathing memorial to the victims, and an outlet for demands for more gun control. It's almost unbearable. I cry every time I read something. My little boy knows that something is wrong. He knew Friday night. He asked me why the flags were "half down the poles?" I was at a loss as to what to tell him. I just said that something very bad happened and that a lot of people were hurt very badly. And thankfully, for once, his 4-yr old mind took over and he jumped onto another topic. Almost like he knew that it was too much for his little mind to handle. I wish no had to handle this. Of course no one wishes this had ever happened.

*

I know that as a Democrat, I am supposed to be in favor of strict gun control. I also realize that by living in Iowa, I am surrounded by gun enthusiasts. Here's the kicker - I've never really cared. I don't personally like guns. I don't want any in my house or around my child. But my friends are hunters. They have guns and have been trained to use them. One even taught my then 3-yr old how to properly hold a pistol.
(I about died. Shouldn't you ask his parent first?)

*

I agree that every LAW ABIDING CITIZEN has the right to bear arms. (Criminals should be stripped of this right, it's more important than their right to vote, in my opinion.) It's a citizen's right to be able to buy a gun if they want. I also believe that the gun owner is responsible for what happens with their guns. If they do not take care of it properly, lock it up, etc - and something happens, say a child finds it, etc. - then the owner is responsible. Negligent, whatever you want to call it. And they should face prosecution... it's the same as manslaughter. No, you didn't mean to hurt your friend in that car accident, but your driving is the reason that they died. Same thing. Gun - car... it can still be a weapon.

*

There is no reason on this earth why any average citizen (or gun enthusiast) needs an automatic weapon that can shoot 30+ rounds in seconds. You aren't hunting any animals for food or sport. It is my belief that if you want to own the weapon, fine. But if you want to shoot it, then you should only be able to buy the ammunition at a shooting range, and in small supervised quantities. And it should be illegal to have that kind of ammunition in your personal possession.

*

Now... this brings me to the shooter, Adam Lanza. He got his weapons from his Mother's collection. He in fact killed her with her own collection of weapons. There is evidence that Nancy Lanza knew of her son's mental and social instability. Yet, she had a home full of weapons. That he could gain access to. That she had taken him to ranges to shoot. This does not seem like a responsible idea on the part of the parent. Being that he killed her first, we can't judge her too harshly. But it sounds more and more like Adam Lanza needed serious psychiatric help. A mother wrote the most amazing blog about parenting a child who seems similar to the descriptions that the media has shown of Adam Lanza. "I am Adam Lanza's Mother" was a heart-wrenching inspiration to read. If you haven't yet, please read it. This is what our children and their families are living with. This country has so many amazing people working in the Social Services fields, as social workers, therapists, psychiatrists, school-based counselors,... but there isn't enough money in these fields to keep the great people around, or to keep them from burning out with too many needs, and too few professional positions. These professionals are supposed to care for the mental well-being of their patients, but they are paid a pittance for the amount of schooling that they have to have in order to make a middle class salary. It really is a calling when the benefits are considered.

*

I think it is more important to reconsider the Mental Health programs in this country before we start the argument of gun control. I heard yesterday that a conference of over 100 of America's Mayors called for gun control in regards to Automatic weapons. I think that's great. And I hope that people listen and that change is made. But what really needs to happen is that we need to take care of these young adults who think that violence is their only choice, the only way that someone will hear their voices. Violence is not the answer. Hurting someone else to make yourself feel better or so that you feel heard is wrong. As a parent of a stable 4 yr old, I strive to make sure that my child feels safe and loved. I want him to know that no matter what, he is loved. And while I know hearing (and feeling) the words can't fix everything, I feel like its a good place to start. My heart breaks every time I hear about what happened at Sandy Hook. But I take comfort in knowing that those children were loved by their teachers. That all of the educators that died and the ones lucky enough to survive told their students that they were loved. That even in the most difficult moments of their young lives, all the students of Sandy Hook Elementary were cared for, and that the adults in their lives tried to protect and shield them from the horror of that day - from the teachers to the SWAT teams that had the children close their eyes as they were guided out of the school. From the tears of the President to the people of this great nation - the love and outpouring is amazing - Newtown, Connecticut, will never leave our hearts.

Failure in Mommydom

So… I had a rough day yesterday. Ok, let’s be honest, I’ll say it’s been rough lately, most of the last couple of months and definitely since Sunday night.

I’ll admit it. I made a Mommy Mistake. When Weston was a baby, we were so grateful to have him. (Don’t worry, we still are.) And he was sick a lot that first year. Nothing serious, but he had Bronchiolitis and a variety of viruses…. When he had to sleep upright, we put him in a car seat by my side of the bed so I could listen to him breathe. Sometimes he slept with us when he was sick so we could sleep too. (The sheer exhaustion of parenting is a white lie no one talks about. I have been tired for 4 years now, ever since I got pregnant. It hasn’t gotten better.) When he was healthy, and he’d wake up in the morning, we’d bring him into our bed. And we’d cuddle and play. We wouldn’t always go back to sleep, we’d have fun. So, Weston got used to being in our bed – 1^st part of the Big Mistake.

The 2^nd part of said Mistake was not instituting a bedtime. Weston was one of those babies who was awake every 3 hours to eat. It was routine and didn’t change much as he got older. My friend’s baby who was sleeping through the night by 3 months with a bedtime of 8 pm that started at 3wks, no problems. That never happened for us. I kept asking our daycare when we should start a bedtime. She said 6-9 months depending on the baby. That was 3 years ago next week. And I tried. I decided on 8:30 pm. The first week, Weston was asleep by 8:15 every single night. In my arms. No self-soothing in the bed. The next week, he cried and cried and cried. I’d lay him down and he’d scream. After 15 minutes, we’d go in and try to help. After a days of this, I asked daycare again what to do. She said not to talk to him or pick him up – to rub his back and sit by the crib. And he would cry forever! It was horrible and heartbreaking to hear. And inevitably, we’d pick him up. And the bedtime never worked. And it was my fault. Scott works late, sometimes past 9pm. I was alone in the bedtime rituals as I am in the dinners, and pretty much most other things. So… as time goes by, we moved into a craptastic apartment on Des Moines’ NE side. Weston again had his own room. He would fall asleep in our room, and we would move him to his crib at night. About 2 or so months after moving there, we transitioned his crib into the toddler bed, because he was trying to climb out. And every night since, Weston has gotten out of his bed, and climbed into ours. And for the longest time, I would try to walk him back to his bed. And he would cry and come back. And then we’d wait for him to be asleep for about 10 minutes, and then we’d take him back to his bed. And about 6 out of 7 nights, I’d wake up in the morning to find him right next to me. At some point, we just became too tired to move him. Or he comes in, and I don’t even wake up any more. He crawls over me to the middle of the bed and I have no idea he is there until morning. I hate sleeping with a toddler. He’s more than half my height now. So there are legs everywhere! Knees planted in the middle of my back. Arms flung over me like I’m his latest favorite stuffed animal. And Scott’s a bed-hog too. So Scott has his half of the bed, and 75% of the covers, and Weston is trying to take my half of the bed. It’s no wonder that I am exhausted and not sleeping well. All I want is my own bed. And I will never have it. I am trying to figure out a way to get Weston to sleep in his own room. I am thinking of trying out his Twin bed in the room we decorated for his birthday. I wonder what he’d think if I slept in there? So, to wrap the Mistakes up… It’s my fault that Weston doesn’t have a bedtime, and it’s also probably my fault that I do not get up constantly to put him back in his own bed. So, now I need to find a way to remedy this…. Sunday I had knees in my back the whole night. Wednesday he wouldn’t go to sleep. He cried because I wouldn’t turn the tv on. And all Scott said was that he needed to be quiet because people were sleeping. Yeah, Scott was sleeping and had been for over an hour – when it was his job to get Weston to sleep that night. Weston and I made up stories to get him to stop crying, and then until he was ready to fall asleep (in my bed.) I calmed him down and got him to sleep in about 20 minutes. And I wonder why I feel all the burden and responsibility for his behavior and actions? Hmmm…

Weston is not potty trained.

I take that back, partially. He is potty trained at daycare. He’s had maybe 2 real accidents in the last 8 months, and maybe 2 other random “I peed on my clothes while peeing” accidents. It’s a boy thing, trust me. Once, about a month ago, I thought we were in for the home stretch. He woke up and went potty in my potty! Before school, no problems, we were all so very excited. He got to pick a prize (Yes, I am to bribery now) and he took a whole big package of name-brand Goldfish to daycare to share with his friends for snack time. And then he got sick over the weekend… so all training went out the window. I decided to be firm last night. I picked him up from daycare. He was in Big Boy underpants. We went to the chiropractor. He begged me for a pull-up or a diaper. I said no. I held firm. We went to the bathroom. He wouldn’t go. I tried going in front of him. He didn’t care. I held firm, we left the bathroom. 20 minutes of begging ended in crying. Horrible, gut-wrenching crying and screaming and sobbing - it was torture for me. I was sad that he was crying and embarrassed because I knew there were massage therapists trying to invoke peace and relaxation and my son was ruining it. I was angry at him for not making this an easy and simple experience. He does it so easily at school. The pure exhaustion of the week, and then dealing with the potty training… I was so mad yesterday. At the situation, at Weston for never listening, at Scott for not helping with the important stuff but having the nerve to want another baby, at the world and everyone in front of me for being there. I cried from the chiropractor’s office to the mall because of my guilt over my anger at my little boy. I almost cried trying to explain it to Shannon in the Playground at the mall. No one understands around me, and I feel like anytime I say anything, I am just being a nagging bitch. Scott won’t listen when I try to talk to him. It’s like if he doesn’t hear it, then it doesn’t exist. And I hate living in oblivion.

I have to get going… but still, I just had to explain myself. I feel guilty all the time for my frustration, anger, and the inability to change things. I feel like my world is spinning out of control, and that I am failing at everything. And I need someone to catch me. To help me. Please? I love my little family more than anything, but I feel like we need to be a better family. And I'm not sure how to do it.

working on this...

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

A MUST READ!!!

I'm not sure how many people actually read my blog. I don't care. I generally blog only for myself and the 4 people I know who read.
Most people who know me, know that I am a fairly open-minded person. I believe to each his own. I believe that everyone is entitled to equal rights under the law and under God whether they be white, black, blue or gay. People are people and as such they need to be loved and nurtured. I know that many of my friends are pretty religious and believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. That loving someone of the same gender and wanting to spend your life with that person is wrong. I say that the heart wants what the heart wants. That's as simple as life can be. Today I read about another shooting in Alabama. A man killed his estranged wife and their daughter, his sister-in-law and her son. And then himself. It's the 10th (?) mass shooting in the USA in 2009, the 4th in Alabama. A mother shot her 20-yr old son in the back of the head Sunday while they were having target practice together at a shooting range before turning the gun on herself - to save them both, she wrote. That is not love. If everyone could be happy in a loving, healthy relationship... you can't tell me that the world wouldn't be better off. We used to live in a world where people could live without locking their doors, where children could play outside while Mom made dinner. Why can't my son have that? Why am I so paranoid that I lock the doors on my car when Weston is inside and I am returning my cart to the corral 4 feet away? Why do I lock the car while driving? Why do I panic a little inside when someone knocks on my door or cars drive down my street? (I remember being a kid in the former world. I was less jaded than children today. The thought of someone having children before graduating high school never even crossed my mind. Today's world would have seemed like a piece of fiction to me... and I was reading Anne Rice and VC Andrews by age 10!) Why can't people respect and love each other as human beings first? Why does it matter what color you are? What gender? What religion? Why does it matter who you love, just so long as you can love?
Following along these lines... in a similar, more expressive train of thought... my boss' daughter, Kelli Best-Oliver has written a fabulous blog (as she usually does.) please read if you found mine even slightly interesting. She has relocated to St. Louis, MO, but she is still a Modern Iowa Girl at heart.
http://southcityconfidential.com/2009/04/08/why-im-proud-to-be-from-iowa/#more-972

I read a forward recently that kind of stuck with me... I wish you enough. Enough material goods to get by. Enough love given to be able to love someone else enough in return. Enough self confidence to be the person you were meant to be. And finally, enough self respect to respect and appreciate the life you have and the world around you.