Pregnancy Dreams

So, I've been dreaming a lot when I get a decent night's sleep. (I'm not sleeping well at all.)

And I've been having some pretty crazy dreams... and I thought I'd share them here, because well, why not?

And to hold you over, Shannon has started documenting my pregnancy in the size of fruits that our babies measure to... here are the lemons from this week with the limes.

We have 2 lemon sized babies this week! (wk 14)

Pregnancy Dream #1: Desired
(I am obviously making up the names here...)

Wentworth Miller

Ok.. so this was my first pregnancy dream, and it was a complete surprise! I dreamt that I was being actively pursued by multiple people in multiple situations. I explained that I was married, and a few backed off, and then that I was pregnant with twins... and a few more left. Finally I was left with 2 or 3. I vaguely remember 1 man, but I can't place his face or anything really about him. I remember my sister being in the dream and I remember all of us Cosmic bowling (I've never ever been cosmic bowling, so that's about as ridiculous as having suitors when married and pregnant with twins.) The second of the suitors was a beautiful red-haired woman. Yes, a woman. She somehow talked me into dinner. And was completely mesmerizing, even though I knew I was married and pregnant. The last was Wentworth Miller. Yep, the actor with the brooding eyes, and gorgeous face. And he was persistent. It was like he was saving me. He didn't care that I was pregnant or that I was married. I was alone and he needed to be with me, to take care of me. It was hard to resist. I actually woke up feeling like he was still around, to find myself on an air mattress in a tent with Scott and Weston.
Freud's thoughts: I'm feeling alone and vulnerable. ;)

Pregnancy Dream #2: Cops and Robbers and... Weddings?

Ryan Reynolds

I was in a dream, and I was a detective, under cover. And there was a ton of action going on - police raids, gun battles etc. And then me and my partner were "made!" So we were on the run. And we ended up in a high end Bridal Salon, sort of like Kleinfeld's. My whole family was there. And I was rushed to try on dresses, to have the whole experience! And my partner was to do the same. We were undercover, hiding from the bad guys in a bridal salon. Apparently our cover was so good that my own family believed it. Because out I walk in an amazing Reem Acra dress and the partner steps out in an amazing tux and I get my first look at him all cleaned up - and it's Ryan Reynolds. Seriously. I don't know what's going on, but suddenly we're getting married and I'm all confused because I know we're undercover, and he knows, but he seems up for it, so we head to the church. And that's when the car chase with the bad guys commences and I wake up during a hail of gunfire.
Freud's thoughts: I feel a need for Speed. And apparently a fairy tale.

Pregnancy Dream #3: Flight of the Navigator over Eternia

He-Man

So this one is the least memorable. But basically, Scott, Weston and I were vacationing in Eternia. You know, the place where He-Man and She-Ra live? In the Cartoon version. In Prince Adam's palace with all the usual characters. And we had a lovely time. And then we came home. And we were back to being in a live-action world. Weston pulls out of his backpack an animal that is like a cross between a kitten and a monkey. Some wild feral animal from Masters of the Universe. And it's very cuddly and Weston wants to keep it. :)
That's about it for that one...
Freud's thoughts: Too many cartoons before bed. :)

So, that's the dreams for now. I will be trying to take notes so everyone can enjoy my overactive, hyper-sensitive imagination. :)

So Blessed!!!

So our first ultrasound was today. And it was so stressful.  I was so worried. I practically made myself sick.
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound. 

I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.

She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!

Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.

Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)

We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)

Our new Babies. A & B. or Top and Bottom :)

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

normalities

It's been one week since my surgery and the removal of our pregnancy.

Things are slowly getting back to the new normal. I went on a Girls Night on Friday. It was a nice distraction... Oz: The Great and Powerful was a huge disappointment in a movie. Just huge. And it had so much potential. Our late dinner of (mine was cooked) Sushi at Wasabi Chi was amazing. I loved it all, and would definitely go back. If you are reading this from the DSM area, make a visit, and then send me a Thank You note.

What I've noticed about people though... as the week went on, my tragedy was no longer in the front of their minds. And while I understand this, it would be nice to be asked how I'm doing, or to have my Mom want to talk about it. I still need to talk about it. My SeaStar has been a God-send. More than she will ever understand. She lets me talk and cry and talk some more. She is the best sister on the planet. I am beyond lucky to have her.

So, Saturday, we were back to normal. Big family thing - we bought a Family Membership to the Science Center of Iowa and the Blank Park Zoo. It was our big expenditure, but we're doing it in lieu of Adventureland passes this year. We spent about 3 hours at the Science Center Saturday, and then Shannon and I ran errands all over West Des Moines after we dropped the boys at home. It was really rough for me. I'm not sure if I overdid it, or what, but I was in a lot of pain with the worst cramps since labor with Weston, and it was the absolute worst day since surgery. It was so bad that I thought this was all over after it. I was wrong, but nothing has been as bad as Saturday. So, I hope that means that I am healing well.

Last night I didn't go to bed as early as I had hoped (Darned husband got me hooked on the Walking Dead.) But I dreamed a lot last night. A LOT. I dreamt that it was April 2nd. The day of my 3 week Post-op check up. And I was pregnant again. Just newly discovered. And I was afraid that my doctor was going to be so mad at us. And I was so worried that this was too soon, that we were asking for another miscarriage. The kicker? The whole time that I am dreaming about this, in the dream I am wondering how I could even be pregnant at all - it's only 2 weeks from tomorrow, how is that time enough for this to happen? So in my head in the dream, I am worried about a supernatural pregnancy on top of an impending miscarriage and an angry doctor. Wow... Freud would have a blast with that one... I can just hear him (think back to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure for the Freud in my head) -
    "Oh! I zeenk zat you are hazing zee issues of zee babies... ."
See, even the awake stuff running through my head is a bit crazy, so the dream stuff has to be so much more entertaining. :) I hear from the message boards that I belong too, that dreams are normal, even weird guilty dreams.

Obviously, my mind is on babies. In an almost desperate way. I feel more like I did when we struggling with infertility the first time around - jealous and angry and mad at all of the pregnant women and girls around me. A great sense of unfairness. I realize that this is all a part of grieving. I've been told to accept my sadness and anger and everything I feel and to actually recognize it for what it is, grief. And I am trying. I really am. Scott looks at me and asks me if I'm ok, what's wrong, etc. And I'm just wallowing in my feelings. I'm trying to be normal, and for a little while, I am. But sometimes, I just fall back into the wallowing. And apparently, this is normal too.

I am normal. All the time. I just have to accept that for myself. I'm working on it.