13 weeks in frame...

13 weeks of our babies in pictures - thank goodness for cell phones!

Nicknames that have evolved
Sebastian - Bash, Basher, Munchkin, Littlest Jones
Keegan - Keegs, Keegers, Keegalicious (middle of the night, but it sticks), Pumpkin, Littler Jones
Weston - Little Jones, Buddy

BIRTHDAY!!! 12/12/13 (6 weeks early)
living in the NICU, hooked up to: IV Antibiotics, feeding tubes, "room air" oxygen push, and in incubators to regulate their temperatures. Sebastian ends up under the Bilirubin light for a few days to fight Jaundice.

WEEK 1 - Major Progress!
Antibiotics ceased, Oxygen tubes removed, no more bili lights, and we're kangaroo holding - which is skin-to-skin holding. Keegan snuggles in, while Sebastian licks me until he falls asleep.

12/19/13
Both boys only have feeding tubes, though they are breast & bottle feeding when they have the energy. They have also been moved to open air cribs!

Week 2
Noticing the world around them, working on weight gain and consistency, and wearing clothes!!! Keegan meets Weston through a glass window and slightly open door first, and then on Christmas Eve Weston and our nieces meet both babies through the glass window. My Dad and brother hold them for the first time.

12/26/13 - My Birthday!
Still working on growing and eating, maintaining body temp, and not having any "spells" - once they reach these goals, they can go home!

1/4/14
Sebastian came home 12/31/13, and Keegan joined him on 1/4/14. finally, our family under 1 roof, and no need to leave the house in awful weather to venture to the NICU.

1/12/14
They are thriving! Both are gaining weight, but still not sleeping for long.

2 Months Old!!! 2/12/14
Photo shoot courtesy of Tylenol and 8 wk vaccinations.

2/14/14
Happy Valentine's Day from Aunt Shannon and soon-to-be-Uncle Bill.
Weston is in love with his baby brothers.

2/20/14 - Time has flown by and these boys have grown by leaps and bounds. They've doubled their body weights and added 2+ inches to their lengths. They're smiling and amazing. Keegan developed a Hemangioma - a birthmark that appears as a rubbery, bright red nodule of extra blood vessels in the skin. It grows for the first year of life and then fades until there is little to no trace of it. It really came in handy for telling them apart for the first few weeks at home. :)

2/20/14 - Synagis Vaccinations #2
Because they were preemies, our boys had to get what is more commonly known as RSV vaccinations. They got mailed to us directly and a home health nurse (Laura) would come out and administer them. So, here they are waiting for their shots just after being weighed. I swear Sebastian knows exactly what is going on.

Whenever these boys are too fussy, we strip them. Just like their big brother, being naked calms them down. the hate being too warm. Weston will take any excuse to remove his clothes.

We had pictures taken at the hospital on 12/31/13, you know, the ones where they visit in the first days after birth? Or in our case, almost 3 weeks after birth. We had to wait until they were both healthy enough to leave their NICU room. I had this print made at Shutterfly.

Naked Baby Time! Taking advantage of an outfit change and a 60 degree day.

For the baby shower thrown by my sister, guests were encouraged to design onesies. Our nieces made 2 of my faves - Sebastian is wearing Zoey and Keegan is wearing Paisley.

Keegan's hand in mine. I think baby hands just might be my favorite body part. And his are so perfect! And huge for his size!

3/12/14 - Our babes are 3 months old today! they offer smiles and coos, they love to be held and cuddled. Both are doing really well.

Our babies caught the cold bug that Weston and I've had. Keegan had it the worst at first with a bad cough. Sebastian's popped up again this past weekend, and mine came back with a vengeance. These Rock-N-Sleep things from Fisher Price have been a lifesaver. I wish I had one with Weston.

Weston had Dr. Seuss week at school. Monday was Red Fish, Blue Fish day. So we made him a shirt using his hand prints a la Pinterest. He wanted his brothers to match, and they were quickly growing out of these.

3/8/14 - almost 3 Months!
We had their 3 month pictures taken at Target, and then had family pictures taken as well. (see the left sidebars.)

We baptized our babies at St. Paul Lutheran on 3/15/14. I forgot to charge the battery on my camera, so this is what I have until I collect from everyone else. It was another hard time without Mom, but Dad put on a brave face and really enjoyed his grandsons. We had a great evening with both sides of the family and our friends.

3/16/14 - Sunday brunch with Scott's family. Sebastian is not thrilled about the layers in his outfit, how his cold is progressing, or the fact that I am posing him without the bottle in his mouth. He got over it, and never really did cry.

 This is the background on my phone's lock screen. It's basically a week in pictures. Papa and Keegan, Sebastian's selfie that he messaged to my friend Tuesday morning. Keegan's selfie that he instagrammed so he wouldn't be forgotten (As if!!!), and my Jones' Boys in their St. Patrick's gear. The Itty Bits are actually wearing Weston's hand-me-down tees from 2009. No idea how tight they must have fit him!

This is 3/21/14 - finally wearing the Owl hats I had made for them - and of course it's almost spring. :)

First Day Wrap Up

Weston's teacher emailed me this picture:

He had a great first day and was very excited to go back. He told me that they worked on talking with their hands (Sign Language) and had reading time and went out for recess 2 times. He was very excited about recess because he got to play at the big playground. :)

I'm so happy that he had a great time.

I found a picture that he drew in his Take Home folder... it was his family. Me, Daddy, Weston and his 2 babies. And the babies had short hair because his babies are boys. It was precious. I will probably frame it.

Growing up so fast!

Enough about our impending bundles of joy. :) It's time to bring the focus back around to my Original bundle of Joy - Weston.

My 3 hour old Centerfold! Weston Christopher Jones ~ 7/31/2008

Five years ago I gave birth to the most magnificent baby boy. He was a blessing and a joy, and we were so spoiled by his arrival. And he was so worth the wait!

Today I took that very same boy to his first day of Kindergarten. Kindergarten!!! I can't believe that it's already time for full-day school.
He didn't sleep well, and ended up in our bed again. But by that point, all I wanted was for him to get a full night's sleep. He cried last night about not wanting to go to school, but wanting to go to daycare today. It was a rough night.

This morning, I made him sausage and waffles, per his request, but he barely ate. It's a good thing that he has lunch early (10:45am) so he won't be too hungry.

We got to school a little early and sat outside with the other kids and their parents. I really wish I had the luxury to take him to and from school every day. It would be amazing. But it's not to be. Scott and I walked him to his class, got him ready, took tons of pictures and then said our good-byes. I haven't heard anything yet, but I hope that he is having a great day.

Shannon made Weston a shirt to wear every first day of school: It's a Men's size Large! We have his class on the front, and then what he wants to be when he grows up on the back. This year, he wants to be a Superhero.

Weston's First Day of Kindergarten at Willowbrook Elementary, Altoona, Iowa.
Neither of us cried yet today, so that's something!

Some more of Weston's interests this year:
Clothing size: 6
Show size: 13
Favorite Color: Green
Favorite Sport: Swimming
Favorite Toys: Superheroes and dinosaurs
Favorite Stuffed Animal: Puppy
Favorite Superhero: Spiderman
Favorite Pet: Nola the cat
Favorite jammies: Batman ones
Favorite piece of clothing: new Spiderman shirt from Aunt Shannon
Favorite movie: he likes so many... no clear favorites this year
Favorite cartoon: Scooby Doo (any of them)
Favorite tv show: Doc McStuffins (Disney Jr.)
Favorite park activity: the Swings
Favorite food: Cottage Cheese
Favorite Veggie: Cucumbers and Carrots (raw)
Favorite Fruit: watermelon
Favorite Sweet Treat: brownies
Interesting notes: Weston is very sensitive to his feelings. He loves to sing, and does it all the time. He is over half my height... and growing fast! He loves babies and animals, and is very gentle with both. And he is incredibly smart with the best imagination!

and we're having... BOYS!

We took Weston with us to our appt last Friday. He was interested for a few minutes, but after finding out what they were, he was pretty much over it. :)

Both babies did a decent job of showing their parts. And by parts, I mean BOY parts. Yep, both babies are boys. So we'll have 3 boys. OMG. I really thought one would be a girl.

The most important part is that they are healthy and doing great! That's all I've ever prayed for was healthy babies. Their heartbeats are back to being synchronized at 154 bpm, and one has flipped so while they are still situated top and bottom, their heads are close together. And their placentas on together along the back wall of my uterus. So, everyone is healthy. The doctor increased my bp medications since it's creeping up a bit, but she reminded me that it's still a very low dosage, so I'm ok. I did lose 4 pounds while sick, they weren't thrilled, but they understood.

The ultrasound tech was the one from our miscarriage earlier this year. I am not a fan of hers. And she doesn't take the best pictures. We didn't even get a profile of the babies.

Anyway, we did the big gender reveal with my family this weekend and played the name game in the car again, though only boys this time.

I only spent $5 on the reveal. I wrapped a Rubbermaid container in baby wrapping paper. And I put 2 "It's a Boy!" balloons inside with a weight. Then I added a bow onto the lid. Weston opened it for my parents, and my nieces opened it for my brother. I liked letting the kids open it. Gave everyone a better view.

Everyone is happy that the babies are healthy. We all thought one baby would have been a girl. So, 2 boys came as a big surprise. My brother seemed a little disappointed. He really wants a son, and has daughters, while I keep having sons. Oh well, healthy babies are all that matters.

Here's pictures of the big reveal:

Our Surprise Package! When opened, the balloons popped out!

2 Baby Boys with bow ties!

Current names floating around our heads:

Keegan          Landon

Kellan            Griffin

Sebastian        Elliot

Archer            Asher

Harrison         Edison

Holden

Nothing set in stone yet... just tossing things around. And none of these are pairings either.

On another note,  Weston starts Kindergarten tomorrow. Where has the time gone?!?

tomorrow?

Hopefully tomorrow is the day when we learn if we are having boys or girls or both!!!
Weston asked to come along to see his babies, so we're having a family ultrasound. I really hope that we'll know what we're having!

On another scary thought... Weston starts Kindergarten on Tuesday. Wow... the last 5 years have flown by! School pictures and back pack night at Willowbrook tonight. I hope we all handle tonight ok. ;)

Happy July!

So... I've been busy and trying not to think about the long wait of our ultrasound.
But, it happened on Tuesday, finally!

And both babies are doing great!!! They were measuring about 1 day ahead of schedule (and can go +/- 1 week at any time.) Their heart rate was 178 (A) and 176 (B) beats per minute. They looked good, and my visit went ok.

Our Facebook Announcement

So, we blasted the news on Facebook, etc.  It was just too hard to keep secret. Weston has known for over a week. He took it really well, but is pretty much over it now. :)

So the babies are good. I, on the other hand, am not. I found out at my OB appt that 3 of the 4 regular medications that I am on, are not good for our babies. I immediately stopped one of the blood pressure pills and was scheduled for an emergency appt with the Endocrinology Center at Mercy on Wednesday morning. All of my diabetics medications have been stopped. I am now on Insulin Pens 4 times a day, but it will most definitely increase. That was the huge difference. Being told by my family doctor that my numbers are good, and then suddenly finding out that even my best number isn't good enough was just devastating. I want to do all I can to give these babies a healthy start. And feeling like I wasn't given the right information off the bat... it's so frustrating. But, while I have a long way to go, and I'm not close to where I need to be yet, I do feel like I am on my way. I really liked the Endocrinologist and the Diabetic Educator. And I think that's a great start!

So, we had an uneventful 4th of July. Scott had to work, so Shannon and I took Weston to the Altoona Aquatic Center. And she and I both got sunburned pretty badly. It's like the sunscreen doesn't even work anymore. Today I went to work while Scott stayed home with Weston. There's talk of a movie or maybe a trip to the playground at the mall. Whatever they do, it will be awesome. Tonight we're having dinner with friends and in the morning, Shannon and I are headed to the Des Moines Farmer's Market, finally! It's going to be a low-key, healing weekend. I need to get my kitchen in order. I need to the get the house in order, we have babies coming. :)

So Blessed!!!

So our first ultrasound was today. And it was so stressful.  I was so worried. I practically made myself sick.
She called us in 10 minutes early. So I think of waiting room time was like 3 minutes. I got weighed - I've gained a pound. And then it was up on the table for the fun of the internal ultrasound. 

I looked at the screen and saw 2 black spots... and I couldn't quite see anything in them. So I thought that they were my ovaries. The technician was so calm and understanding. She goes, "Ok, here 's the baby. And here's the other one!" TWO BABIES!!! Oh My God. And there they were, snug and safe.

She asked if we were expecting this. And Scott immediately says no. And I was like, "Well, I've had twins on the brain all week." and I have. But I kept telling myself that all we needed was 1 baby. We didn't need to be greedy. But guess what? I'm going to be greedy!!! I want these 2 babies!!!

Scott's on Cloud 9 and I am so happy that I am shaking.

Both babies are measuring right on schedule and the same. In fact, their heart beats are the same too, 169 beats per minute!!! Everything looks great according to the Tech. We have no way to tell if they are identical or fraternal. If they are identical, then their egg split really early, and they landed away from each other. Otherwise, they are from 2 eggs. She said I definitely ovulated from the Right side, but couldn't see anything on the left. So we're in the dark on that one. :)

We want this so badly. We already want these babies. So, here we go, a new adventure! Weston is going to freak out! (in a few months when we tell him.)

Our new Babies. A & B. or Top and Bottom :)

they listen...

Weston and I went to dinner with the Chi O Girls last night at the Cheesecake Factory in the mall.
Jayme guessed my news by my lack of caffeine and we told Melissa. April already knew because she found a picture of a test on my phone about 3 weeks ago. ;)
They were all beyond happy and so encouraging.
Dinner was ok. This pregnancy doesn't like cheese. Especially cheddar. So my dinner last night was just ok. I'm wishing that I'd gotten the Chicken Bellagio - mainly so I'd have lunch today.

Anyway, April needed to find some baby jeans for her daughter, since it's been so cold lately. So, we were in Baby Gap, and all the way at the back of the store is the clearance section and Maternity section. Weston became obsessed with the maternity mannequins. He kept rubbing their bellies and lifting up their shirts and I had to explain what they were. Then he asked where the babies were, and we told him that they were just pretend to see how the clothes looked, etc.
On our way out of the store, Weston stops at the door, turns to me and asks, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly?"
We about died. April and I kept trying to change the subject, "Let's go to the next store! Have you seen these shoes yet?" He tried 3 more times before we had him distracted enough not to answer.


Today though - I wonder if he was calling me fat or if he really is clairvoyant. does my belly look like the mannequin's already? I don't know which is worse?!?

But all-in-all, it was a hilarious night.

a note from the Grouch...

"Why are you mad all tonight, Mommy?"

This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."

Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.

This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?

So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.

So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.

And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?

she lied

The recovery nurse who said that things wouldn't get any worse than yesterday morning lied. She was wrong.

I’m getting worse by the day.

Yesterday I felt good. Little to no cramping, not even really any after affects. I worked all day, was a little emotional in the afternoon, but I was ok.

Then Weston and I went to Target. And he took forever. And I started to get really tired and a little crampy. I tried to hurry him along. We were doing pretty good together. But then he got mad when I wouldn’t get him a movie from the checkout end cap (after agreeing to a $5 movie and a toy using his Valentine’s money.) I told him he could get the toy or the movie, only 1. And that was the melt down. “I don’t love you, Mommy. I only love Daddy.” Whining and anger and fighting in the checkout. So… I put the movie back, got him the toy, checked out, and dragged him out of the store. (Dragged by the hand, which he held onto, so I guess that doesn't count as dragging, right?) I was crying by the time I got to the car. That freaked him out, which made me cry harder. I couldn’t stop. 

•  “I didn’t know Mommies and Daddies could cry.” 

Um, yeah you did, you've seen it before. Anyway, it was a rough night. Weston kept asking if I was still sad, which I was, terribly, but I smiled for him as best as I could manage. I started cramping very badly around 8pm, and was up until midnight with a heating pad and ibuprofen, because these were the only meds the medical staff told me I could take. I woke up again at 4:20am in so much pain that I couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:50am, finally dragging myself out of bed at 6:30. So, now I am so tired that I can’t control the emotions. I feel like an over-tired baby that just cries and cries until the cry themselves to sleep. Except I can't cry or go to sleep because I have to work. I miss benefits like sick time and more than 64 hours a year for PTO - you know, companies that value family and women. That would be nice. 

I'm on the lookout for ways to grieve other than crying. And something to help my husband. Any ideas? Comment and let me know.

the last day of my second pregnancy

Mercy Medical Center

Yesterday started out like a normal snow day... I couldn't sleep and was worried about Weston getting to school on time. I rushed through my shower, wanting to be as fresh for surgery as possible. And then Weston wanted me to go with them to daycare. The roads in Altoona were so bad that we thought we'd need to leave early for the hospital. We didn't, it took 8 minutes to get to Mercy. The difference between the Des Moines road crews, and Altoona's lack of road anything.

My view for 3 hours - hospital socks

We got to the hospital by 9:30, and were in pre-op by 10am. And had all the blood work, IV, EKG, etc done by 10:45. Then everything got pushed back. thank goodness for WiFi, my iPhone, Facebook, and the generosity of my friend Jessica for messaging me while waiting. I waited so long, I got visited and checked in by 2 anesthesiologists! Which was actually a great thing. I have problems with anesthesia, and while it's been ok lately, this doctor was able to pull my anesthesia records from Oct. 2007 and see what was done so well that time. I was taken back at 1:15. Great OR staff, super nice and considerate, helped keep me covered all the time. It faintly smelled like McDonald's in there - not kidding, like a Big Mac. The surgery went pretty fast. Scott had spoken with my OB by 2pm, and was grabbing lunch (McDonald's of course) while I was the surgical recovery bay. I had some breathing issues in recovery- every time I fell back asleep, my O2 levels would drop. Oops. Once I woke up more and coughed, that got better. In fact, every time the alarms went off, I focused on my breathing, and things perked right up. I had to go to the bathroom from the moment I woke up in the recovery bay- which the nurses loved since it proved that everything was in working order.

poor waiting husband
- 3 hours wait pre-op

I was moved to the post-op chair around 3:15pm, and Scott was with me by 3:20. I was good by then. Bathroom break done, drinking fluids, dressed and wheeled to the door by 3:45. Home by 4:05. This recovery was a lot easier. No big pain meds, no nausea, and I could eat as soon as I got home. Thank God for Ramen Noodles.
Nothing too bad in the after effects either.

I didn't get a lot of rest... Slept maybe 15 mins after I got home, before Weston and then Shannon were there. One of our daycare moms sent dinner home with us, so I had to heat that up. We didn't realize it was frozen, so they had garlic bread and brownies before Swim Lessons. Yes, she sent Brownies and Bread with a pasta casserole. Because she is a woman, and she is amazing and considerate.
On the note of Swimming Lessons - I missed them, but Weston passed Beginner 2 and is ready for Intermediate 3!!! Woo-hoo! We heard that it sometimes takes 2 tries to pass!!!

I was in bed by 10:15pm. 
I was really crampy  and my breasts hurt so bad that I almost cried when I went to sleep, and they woke me up again and again until about 1 am... But the cramps are no worse than a period. I'm hoping it stays that way. It's how I was after Weston's c-section. The Surgical Recovery nurse called this morning, and she said that it actually shouldn't get any worse than it is.

Scott's not doing too well. He's very emotional. As he deserves to be. But I'm not sure how to help him. I feel like I am not emotional enough in comparison to him. And maybe it's because I had a Murphy's Law feeling for all but the last 2 weeks? I didn't say anything because so many people were so excited. And it was so easy to fall into their excitement. I started shopping in the last 2 weeks - I bought a diaper bag, and looked at bottles and car seats and strollers. I was getting so excited at this baby. But for Scott - Scott was in it from Day 1. He told his family, everyone at work - so this is hitting him pretty hard. He didn't understand what the tech was telling us at first. I had to explain it all to him. Many many times.

the beautiful flowers
from our daycare family

 I'm just trying to let him do what he needs to do - even if it's hug and kiss me, and constantly tell me how much he loves me. Right now... I am very sensitive to touching, I don't like to be touched when I'm in pain, physical or emotional, and I strike out. I am doing everything I can to not do that. To accept what he needs to give. To make him feel better. Friday afternoon at the doctor's office, he kept telling me how sorry he was and touching me. I was a little mean. When we got out of the office, I apologized and then explained that I was trying not to cry in front of an office full of happy pregnant women. When we got away and by the car, I broke down and just sobbed, holding onto to him for dear life. I have no idea if I've ever cried like that in front of him. When my Mom got sick, there was hope. I cried, but I had hope. It was an uncontrollable soft cry, tears falling, nothing I could do to stop them, the tear faucet was on. This wasn't hope. It was death. Our second baby had died before it even got to live... it was never even a fetus. It wasn't really a baby to anyone but the 2 of us, and to some of our family. There just isn't anything to be done but sob and be sad.

the face of post-miscarriage

I had to tell the boss this morning, in case I had to go home today. He just looked shocked, and maybe it's because I never told them I was pregnant. I had to tell the 2 guys who figured it out. That was rough, one of them was very sad. And I had to tell someone else who was joking about my long weekend. I was kind of short with him, and I felt horrible about it. They have been so kind that it made me so emotional. My tear faucet has wanted to leak all day.

I've already been called by the recovery team at the hospital. I called my OB and changed my appt to their Ankeny office (I forgot there was an office 10 mins from my work.) I called my fertility specialist and left a message with the updated information. Dr. Cooper called back personally. He is so kind and just great. We talked about things, how it's common even in normal women without fertility issues to have 40-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that we did nothing wrong. And how healthy my recovery sounds. He said we could go back to trying after 1 normal cycle. (My OB said 2... we'll see.) I left a message with my family doctor as well, since he handles my diabetic care. Maybe I should have stayed home to make phone calls.

I'm feeling dazed and teary now, but I'm at work. I'll leave early if I need to, though as the day goes on, it's getting better. I'm feeling fine - other than a scratchy sore throat from the breathing tubes during surgery. Hot tea is helping that.

I am amazed at how many women this has happened to; how many never talk about it. It's a travesty. We could help each other. We should help each other. So many of these women have helped me, saved me. I hope to one day be able to help someone else - though I wish this on no one. Ever.

Legacy...

My local BFF April is having a baby - hopefully today.

April and I met for the first time when we were inducted into Chi Omega together. She had been away at Army boot camp during my first semester, so we did not know each other well - actually, we didn't like each other at all. :)  Initiation was performed in pairs, alphabetically, and April and I were paired up together. After our 15-30 minute initiation ceremony, we were sequestered into a member's room to wait and ponder our existence in silence... for 3 hours! (Such a long time because we were the beginning of the alphabet.) Three hours with someone will definitely open up a line of communication - even when restricted - not much, but some. ;)

Drake Relays All Greek Reunion 4/28/12

We became closer in the beginning of 2000 when we were chosen to be Rho Chi(s) - aka Rush Councilors for the Fall 2000 Greek Rush. It was our job to act as representatives of the entire Greek System and aid the potential initiates through the individual sorority houses as they found the house that was a perfect fit for each of them. We would essentially be cut off from our house for about 3 weeks, acting not as Chi Omegas, but as Greeks with 2 women from each house on campus. It was incredibly exciting for us. April and I weren't the typical sorority girl - we weren't stick thin, we weren't rich, and our house wasn't a part of the mold. We were so excited to be able to show the incoming Freshmen that you could be an individual while still being Greek.

But it wasn't meant to be. Our Chi Omega house, the Rho Beta chapter, closed it's doors the summer of 2000. The National board decided that we were not financially fit to stay open. It was heart breaking for all of us. My closest friends especially - we were the officers and Rho Chi(s)... I was also the Secretary (technically #2 in the hierarchy), my close friends were the President, VP, Education chair, and April was the other Rho Chi. We had plans, and it devastated us to close. We all moved away from each other, mostly in pairs (which is kind of funny) but we stayed together. In the Fall of 2000 as the other houses were getting ready for Rush, we were all in a state of depression. But my roommate Katie and I found a wonderful surprise in our horrible Religion class - April was in it with us!! And it was during this time that April and I really became good friends.

April has been one of my best friends since that stupid Religion class, thirteen years now. She was with me when I thought I was in love with someone in my early 20s. She was with me when I fell in love with Scott long distance. And she was my only Des Moines friend to visit me in Sioux City when I moved to Scott. She was one of the first people I called when we were moving back to Des Moines. Once back here, we've had monthly (or more) dinners for 8 years! I was with April through her various relationships - but when she met Glen, it was like something magical clicked. He didn't seem like her type, but his love for her, and her love for him, knew no bounds. And they both love my child. April is one of Weston's favorite people. Their wedding was beautiful and so much fun! (And so hot in June!)

Last spring, April and Glen found out that they probably wouldn't be able to conceive naturally due to some medical issues. And having been there, it was tough. But they thought that it was ok... they had some ducks to get in a row before they'd worry too much about it, and besides, they've only been married for two years. But I guess waiting wasn't in the cards. April announced her surprise pregnancy in June, and I bawled like a big baby, for about 10 minutes straight! In a restaurant full of strangers. With people looking at me. With mom's cancer return, and our TTC and just everything else... I was so happy for them and for this baby that I couldn't hold back my emotions. This baby defied the odds in its conception, and he or she is a miracle. (And if Baby Brown is a girl, then she is a Chi Omega Legacy!)

XO bib available at Chi O Creations

So, fast forward through what seemed like the fastest pregnancy and the longest last month of waiting to yesterday. At 7:30pm, April was admitted for an induction. And since she has progressed nicely thus far, we are expecting Baby Brown to arrive today! And I am so excited!!!! I can't wait to see one of my best friends hold her miracle baby in her arms! I can't wait to hold that baby myself. Hell, I can't wait to hear the name! They've been tight-lipped about everything - gender and name, so it will be a huge surprise!

I'll update as soon as I know and have pictures!

* It's a Girl!!!

Jocelyn Addison Brown

8lbs 7oz ~ 21.25” long

January 22, 2013 ~ 2:46am

 I will be visiting this afternoon! It was a difficult 33 hours for the the parents, but everyone is working towards getting healthy!!!

I can't find the words...

Lego Night! Weston's first time with his new tray and Legos!
January 7, 2013

Every night for the last week or so, my 4 yr old little boy has wanted to play something he calls "Family." We kind of let it go for a bit, and he focused on something else. But then he wanted to play Family in the living room. So, I asked him what Family was?

   "You're the Mommy. Daddy's the Daddy. I'm the Big Brother. And this [Mr. Moose the Christmas Moose] is our Baby Elizabeth. And this [his bear named Teddy] is our Baby Brother. His name is Alex. We're in the car now, Mommy. Do you have your seat belt on?"

And that's how he plays "Family." Every night, he brings his Babies onto the chair in the living room. He makes sure that we hug and kiss our babies. He makes sure that we are all buckled in. And then we are off on an adventure! Sometimes, we drive to Target or Walmart where Weston will get a new toy. Or like last night, we'll be on a boat and I will have to take care of the babies while he and Daddy go fishing. And then he'll try to show his Baby Brother Alex how to catch a fish. Or after we're done fishing, Weston and the babies will watch a movie or a PBS show on his phone.

Every night I am reminded how desperate my child is for a sibling. How desperate he and I have both become. It's all that either one of us can think about. And there really aren't resources out there on how to deal with this... infertility impacting children.

Weston constantly asks me "when will we get our baby?"
"Why does everyone else get a baby and we don't?"
"How come Jackson has a baby (his friend) and Manny (Ice Age 3) has a baby, but I don't have a baby?"
"It's not fair. We need a baby!"

Last week he became briefly obsessed with baby names:
Weston: "I have an Idea! We should name our baby, Baby Ethan!"
Me/Mommy: "We can't. We have a friend named Ethan. We want everyone to have their own names."
W: "You don't like my plan."
M: "Yes, I do. But you wouldn't want [our friend] to name her new baby 'Weston' would you?"
W: "No... but what happens is someone takes our baby's name? Then he won't have a name!"
M: "We don't have a baby yet."
W: (very loudly) "But we will!!! And if someone takes his name, he won't have one!!!"
*We've hit panic mode by this time. We're in the car, and he's practically in tears over his non-existent sibling not having a name, because someone is going to steal it. I have only once choice... the baby name game.
M: "What about we pick a different name. What name do you like?"
W: "I don't know..."
M: "What about Sebastian?"
W: "I like that."
M: "What about Griffin?"
W: "I love Griffin! It's cool!"
M: "What if it's a girl? Do you like Emerson?"
W: "No. It's bad." (I love that name.)
M: "What about Eden?"
W: "I like that. Eden? What about Alexis?"
M: "Well, Alexis is your friend... hey look, we're here!"
*Saved by the front door to where we needed to be.

I took a test this morning. Because I am a Masochist. I knew what the answer would be. But because I've been sick(ish) since Friday, and just this side of nauseous every night since then, the thought had crept into my mind - maybe this time you are pregnant. Maybe you'll be sick the entire time, all pregnancies are different and it's been 4+ years. It great how your own mind can manipulate you into happiness. But it was wrong. a big fat "NEGATIVE" this morning. So much for the holiday spirit working a miracle.
When we were TTC the first time (Weston) it was just me that I had to answer to. Scott to some extent. And the family to others... but everything ultimately game back to me. Now... I feel guilty that I can't give my child the one thing he wants most in the world. Something we all want, but this is so important to him. Weston is getting older. He'll be 4-1/2 at the end of the month. That means even if we are lucky enough to conceive at the next cycle, there will be at least a 5 year age difference between our children. For that reason alone, I hope we are able to have a daughter. It's what Weston wants, and I think the gender differences will make the age difference not as noticeable to them.

Ok... I've said all I can. Now I just have to hold the sadness in until its manageable. That, and I am thinking of having Scott checked out this time. I mean... he is 43 years old. Maybe something needs updated on his end. I mean, after everything I have been through, maybe it's his turn?

Thoughts on Infertility and Siblings?

Storm of the...

It's being hailed as the Storm of the Century - 2012!

We've gone something like 279 days without a measurable snow fall. Mother Nature is pissed. We're in a Blizzard Warning until Thursday afternoon. I keep hearing something like 8-11 inches. Seriously?

A Shepherd, Joseph, a Wise Man, and Mary walk into a Stable - what is Mary looking at?
The Nativity Practice at Weston's Daycare.

Weston's school program is scheduled for Thursday night at 6pm... and there is talk of moving it to Saturday at 10 am... except we're leaving for Cedar Rapids and Clinton at 9am on Saturday. Not sure what to do about my Little Joseph... he's worked so hard. It's such a fun time, this is our 5th year!

And let's be honest - I am not ready for a snow day. I'd have to take it unpaid. But I don't want to be on the road with people. And I wanted to have my brakes replaced by now. Go slow, I guess.

I hope everyone stays safe and warm - we're going to be wrapping Daddy's presents, finishing my nieces' gifts, trying to watch The Polar Express, and scouring the pantry for inspiration for a dessert for our extended family Christmas on Sunday. (something that can be made Friday, served Sunday, and survive transportation.)

Here's hoping that Santa will also have time to do some wrapping.

Fun new iPhone apps, using Halloween 2012 as inspiration!

Halloween 2012 seemed to go on forever!

This year, we visited the Blank Park Zoo for their Night Eyes event. For a small amount of money, we got to Trick or Treat at the Zoo! Each of us, including adults, got a bag full of candy, and we saw the few animals that could handle our cold weather. Weston wanted Scott to be a frog, and me to be a "One-Eyed Girl Monster." As promised, here's a picture. I built these 2 costumes in about 3 days. Not bad. I think I was channeling Celia from Monsters, Inc. minus the snakes.  We had planned on wearing the costumes again on Beggar's Night here in Des Moines, but it was too cold. (Beggar's Night is what the locals call Trick or Treating, and it's rarely on October 31st. This year it was on the 30th.)

the Frog, One-Eyed Girlie Monster, and Captain America at Night Eyes in the Blank Park Zoo. 10/19/12

So, between Beggar's Night and the actual day of Halloween, we had a lot of fun. But, I also received my new iPhone 4 upgrade from AT&T. I thought it would be cooler than it was, but it wasn't. Apparently the phone I wanted was the iPhone 4S. I didn't get Siri or any of the cool upgrades. In fact, the only improvement over my iPhone 3G was the 5 mega pixel camera with flash and front lens, a huge improvement over the lens-less 1.2 mega pixel camera on the 3G. So, to get over my disappointment, I downloaded some new Apps. These 3 apps were recommended by a website reference on Pinterest. I combined all of our activities over 2 days, including the pictures my brother shared of my nieces!

•  PicFrame - you guessed it... It creates frames! Which I've been trying to figure out for months! you can changes the qty and ratio of sizes, colors, etc.
• Phonto - This allows for type or symbols to be added to any photo/project. It's got a great choice of fonts, colors, sizes, etc.
• Picfx - this one lets you edit square pictures by using a variety of filters... and you can layer the filters too! I really like the Vintage set, and the Light set which gives me the fun flashes of light, including the small hearts I used with the girls.
• Postagram - This may be the coolest one! This allows you to send a Postcard with a removable "Instagram" type photo (or any below) to anyone who can receive snail mail. You create a stamp, add a small comment, and off it goes. I sent the one of the 3 great-grandkids from Halloween to my grandparents in San Antonio. Cost - $0.99 each, but you get 5 for free when you sign up!

My first "frame"! Clockwise from top right: My Halloween headband, Paisley dressed as Strawberry Shortcake, Weston as Captain America, Zoey as Miss Frankie Stein (Monster High), Trick or Treating with Weston's friend Lily, and my fuchsia lace tights and (according to Weston) witch shoes.

I framed and used the "small hearts" filter from PicFx to create this collage of my nieces for my brother. I texted it to him so he could load it on his Facebook page.

This is the Postagram picture that I framed and used Phonto to add the text and the stars to send as a postcard via snail mail to my grandparents in San Antonio.

   I am loving these new apps!!! And I will be upgrading my music to Spotify probably tonight or tomorrow so that I can have more room on the this phone. Right now, I can't even take pictures, I am out of so much room.

the Realm of Possibilities and Other Observances

So… this is going to be a different sort of post than the previous “Greatest Loves,” but I am still counting it as #5 - top of the list. Here we go:

Weston Christopher Jones, Age 4

My Greatest love is my children… I know that I should say my child, because it’s true: I only have one child - at this moment in time. Weston Christopher Jones turned 4 years old exactly at 6:02 pm, on July 31, 2012. His was a long, hard, overwhelming delivery. And you can read the 3 or 4 posts regarding those 36 hours here. But I digress.

 I said Children. It was never my intention to only have one child. I wanted 4 when I was a child myself. 3 wasn’t ideal, with one always being the odd one out (ask my brother and sister) – though 3 children + 2 parents makes a great family picture set up. And 2 children seemed too few – what if they didn’t get along? Then there weren’t any other options. Only children seemed different, and such a small family. So, 4 children seemed perfect- more than 3, and even number, blah blah blah.

But now? Now we’ve waited too long. We didn’t mean to. I mean, when you start having the “family” talk as a couple you throw out numbers and age differences, names and who you hope they look like. We you’re TTC (Trying To Conceive for those of you Fertile Myrtles out there who don’t have the fertility lingo down) you and the Husband start talking about just having 1 baby, and maybe if your lucky enough, planning the next one so they aren’t too close together, and you aren’t buying 2 sets of diapers, so 2-3 years apart.

And then… And then LIFE happens. The next thing you know, you are throwing your “baby’s” 4^th birthday party, realizing that he starts Kindergarten next year. OMG. He’s become an Only Child. The only thing I didn’t want.

I sat realizing that we hadn’t even thought about it. Not really. It was never the right time. How did this happen? My sister and I figured out a few things:

1. Mom got Cancer. We all lost about 2 years with that life-consuming bastard of a disease. It was always a life or death battle, finding time to think about more kids never really came up.
2. We lost (sold, but it was still a loss to us) our house; and moved into the apartment. This apartment has always been a place to stay, but never a home. I still haven’t unpacked. The thought of adding a baby to this is not what we wanted. Weston wished for grass and a yard last week. I almost burst into tears. I don’t know how to make it happen. I just don’t. But I know that I don’t want to raise my kids in this apartment.
3. Birth Control. Let me explain this one… I have been on super-high-dose (clinical term) birth control for 4 years. I have Endometriosis. This is what caused our infertility the first time around. By taking continuous doses of birth control (3 packages in a row to be exact) the hormones convince the Endometriosis not to grow. (The thought of getting pregnant to stop it from growing being the one thing that’s hard to do when you have Endometriosis. The irony is not lost on me.) Little did I know that these high doses of birth control pretty much killed my sex drive. I just thought that I was tired and married and in my 30s. Um… yes, yes, and yes – but I was still supposed to want sex. Good thing my sex drive resurfaced after months off the pills. (TMI - I know.)

So… we’re officially TTC. Again. I consulted with my OB at my appointment last year. It was decided to give my body 6 cycles au natural before looking at all the options. Suffice it to say – I am not pregnant. So, for the last two cycles I have been back on fertility drugs. Back to scheduling our encounters trying to avoid a 4 yr old in the process. Back to taking my temperature every morning and monitoring everything about, well about me. And back to the monthly blood tests. We have one more month of this before I am referred to a fertility specialist again. I’m not sure that I can do that again. But we’ll see. Oh! And on top of all the fertility stuff, my OB has left the practice and is moving to the NW United States. So I am in the middle of fertility confusion without my OB.

Sometimes I think that it would be ok to be a small family of 3. We have our routine down. Sort of. 
But then I didn't get pregnant. Not that I expected to quickly, I'd been on birth control for almost 4 years. But I was surprised at how sad and depressed I was when it didn't happen after the first round of fertility meds. I don't know why it affected me so much. But somehow, I just thought it would be easier this time around. And it's not. And that when I start thinking that we should just be happy with what we've been given. Weston's conception and birth were a miracle to us. Shouldn't we be happy with that?
But then I think of the “What Ifs.” What if something happened to Scott or Me? We would only have Weston to remind us of each other. What if something happened to both of us? Weston would be all alone. And there is a special bond between siblings. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we’re best friends. That’s a bond I want my children to have – the bond of someone having the same existence in a closed little world, of loving the same people and pets and places.

So… this post has taken a different turn than I intended. I intended it to be about my love for Weston. How he is just so fascinating and enlightening and logical and both a joy and a devastation depending upon his feelings (of which he has tons.) But this post just grew from somewhere else I guess. I started it back in mid July, so it’s a work of love.

2012

Here’s what’s happened this summer –

• Mom’s leukemia came back in her elbow only. She underwent 12 rounds of radiation, and it’s still exhausting for her. But she will beat this. I know it. And I said so. I had the best talk with mom on the phone last week. It was almost like she was her pre-cancer self. I miss my pre-cancer talks with my mom.
• As mentioned, Weston turned 4 years old with a spectacularly chilly and rainy party at the Union Park Splash Pool – in the middle of a summer drought with 100+ degree temps. Go figure.
• Scott and I didn’t celebrate, but more acknowledged our 10^th Anniversary together. 10 years ago on June 28^th, we met and sparked some interest. 10 years ago on July 22^nd, we had our first (and most spectacular public) kiss in Cherokee. And 10 yrs ago in the middle of the night on August 3^rd or 4^th, we became “official.” It’s unbelievable to think that I have spent almost 1/3 of my life with this man. I love him more than he knows. And I hope we have many, many more decades together.
• Shannon graduated with her Master’s Degree in Social Work in May, and then spent the summer trying to find employment. It was hard on all of us, but she found the perfect position as the School Based Therapist for the high school students in the West Des Moines district through Orchard Place. We’re all so proud of her.
• Oh! And we welcomed a new cousin. Kaitlyn Sophia Stanley was born on July 19^th (the same day as her Dad and Grandma.) She is Scott’s first cousin Troy and his wife Jackie’s first baby. Everyone has waited a long time for her, and she is as beautiful as a baby can be.
• We also found out that Scott and I are going to be a Great Uncle & Aunt. Scott’s nephew (and my former drinking buddy) Jeremy and his wife Charlie are expecting in March. This is very exciting since it’s the first new niece or nephew on that side for me. (The others are between 3 and 18 years old, and we never seem to see the youngest ones. Oh, family drama that isn’t our fault.) We are super excited for this little baby.

That about covers it, I think. I hope to post more frequently. I just don’t like being on the computer much at home.But I do hope that this blog helped someone out there. Infertility is still such a touchy issue for some people. But it seems like it's plaguing my entire generation.