I can't find the words...

Lego Night! Weston's first time with his new tray and Legos!
January 7, 2013

Every night for the last week or so, my 4 yr old little boy has wanted to play something he calls "Family." We kind of let it go for a bit, and he focused on something else. But then he wanted to play Family in the living room. So, I asked him what Family was?

   "You're the Mommy. Daddy's the Daddy. I'm the Big Brother. And this [Mr. Moose the Christmas Moose] is our Baby Elizabeth. And this [his bear named Teddy] is our Baby Brother. His name is Alex. We're in the car now, Mommy. Do you have your seat belt on?"

And that's how he plays "Family." Every night, he brings his Babies onto the chair in the living room. He makes sure that we hug and kiss our babies. He makes sure that we are all buckled in. And then we are off on an adventure! Sometimes, we drive to Target or Walmart where Weston will get a new toy. Or like last night, we'll be on a boat and I will have to take care of the babies while he and Daddy go fishing. And then he'll try to show his Baby Brother Alex how to catch a fish. Or after we're done fishing, Weston and the babies will watch a movie or a PBS show on his phone.

Every night I am reminded how desperate my child is for a sibling. How desperate he and I have both become. It's all that either one of us can think about. And there really aren't resources out there on how to deal with this... infertility impacting children.

Weston constantly asks me "when will we get our baby?"
"Why does everyone else get a baby and we don't?"
"How come Jackson has a baby (his friend) and Manny (Ice Age 3) has a baby, but I don't have a baby?"
"It's not fair. We need a baby!"

Last week he became briefly obsessed with baby names:
Weston: "I have an Idea! We should name our baby, Baby Ethan!"
Me/Mommy: "We can't. We have a friend named Ethan. We want everyone to have their own names."
W: "You don't like my plan."
M: "Yes, I do. But you wouldn't want [our friend] to name her new baby 'Weston' would you?"
W: "No... but what happens is someone takes our baby's name? Then he won't have a name!"
M: "We don't have a baby yet."
W: (very loudly) "But we will!!! And if someone takes his name, he won't have one!!!"
*We've hit panic mode by this time. We're in the car, and he's practically in tears over his non-existent sibling not having a name, because someone is going to steal it. I have only once choice... the baby name game.
M: "What about we pick a different name. What name do you like?"
W: "I don't know..."
M: "What about Sebastian?"
W: "I like that."
M: "What about Griffin?"
W: "I love Griffin! It's cool!"
M: "What if it's a girl? Do you like Emerson?"
W: "No. It's bad." (I love that name.)
M: "What about Eden?"
W: "I like that. Eden? What about Alexis?"
M: "Well, Alexis is your friend... hey look, we're here!"
*Saved by the front door to where we needed to be.

I took a test this morning. Because I am a Masochist. I knew what the answer would be. But because I've been sick(ish) since Friday, and just this side of nauseous every night since then, the thought had crept into my mind - maybe this time you are pregnant. Maybe you'll be sick the entire time, all pregnancies are different and it's been 4+ years. It great how your own mind can manipulate you into happiness. But it was wrong. a big fat "NEGATIVE" this morning. So much for the holiday spirit working a miracle.
When we were TTC the first time (Weston) it was just me that I had to answer to. Scott to some extent. And the family to others... but everything ultimately game back to me. Now... I feel guilty that I can't give my child the one thing he wants most in the world. Something we all want, but this is so important to him. Weston is getting older. He'll be 4-1/2 at the end of the month. That means even if we are lucky enough to conceive at the next cycle, there will be at least a 5 year age difference between our children. For that reason alone, I hope we are able to have a daughter. It's what Weston wants, and I think the gender differences will make the age difference not as noticeable to them.

Ok... I've said all I can. Now I just have to hold the sadness in until its manageable. That, and I am thinking of having Scott checked out this time. I mean... he is 43 years old. Maybe something needs updated on his end. I mean, after everything I have been through, maybe it's his turn?

Thoughts on Infertility and Siblings?