the last day of my second pregnancy

Mercy Medical Center

Yesterday started out like a normal snow day... I couldn't sleep and was worried about Weston getting to school on time. I rushed through my shower, wanting to be as fresh for surgery as possible. And then Weston wanted me to go with them to daycare. The roads in Altoona were so bad that we thought we'd need to leave early for the hospital. We didn't, it took 8 minutes to get to Mercy. The difference between the Des Moines road crews, and Altoona's lack of road anything.

My view for 3 hours - hospital socks

We got to the hospital by 9:30, and were in pre-op by 10am. And had all the blood work, IV, EKG, etc done by 10:45. Then everything got pushed back. thank goodness for WiFi, my iPhone, Facebook, and the generosity of my friend Jessica for messaging me while waiting. I waited so long, I got visited and checked in by 2 anesthesiologists! Which was actually a great thing. I have problems with anesthesia, and while it's been ok lately, this doctor was able to pull my anesthesia records from Oct. 2007 and see what was done so well that time. I was taken back at 1:15. Great OR staff, super nice and considerate, helped keep me covered all the time. It faintly smelled like McDonald's in there - not kidding, like a Big Mac. The surgery went pretty fast. Scott had spoken with my OB by 2pm, and was grabbing lunch (McDonald's of course) while I was the surgical recovery bay. I had some breathing issues in recovery- every time I fell back asleep, my O2 levels would drop. Oops. Once I woke up more and coughed, that got better. In fact, every time the alarms went off, I focused on my breathing, and things perked right up. I had to go to the bathroom from the moment I woke up in the recovery bay- which the nurses loved since it proved that everything was in working order.

poor waiting husband
- 3 hours wait pre-op

I was moved to the post-op chair around 3:15pm, and Scott was with me by 3:20. I was good by then. Bathroom break done, drinking fluids, dressed and wheeled to the door by 3:45. Home by 4:05. This recovery was a lot easier. No big pain meds, no nausea, and I could eat as soon as I got home. Thank God for Ramen Noodles.
Nothing too bad in the after effects either.

I didn't get a lot of rest... Slept maybe 15 mins after I got home, before Weston and then Shannon were there. One of our daycare moms sent dinner home with us, so I had to heat that up. We didn't realize it was frozen, so they had garlic bread and brownies before Swim Lessons. Yes, she sent Brownies and Bread with a pasta casserole. Because she is a woman, and she is amazing and considerate.
On the note of Swimming Lessons - I missed them, but Weston passed Beginner 2 and is ready for Intermediate 3!!! Woo-hoo! We heard that it sometimes takes 2 tries to pass!!!

I was in bed by 10:15pm. 
I was really crampy  and my breasts hurt so bad that I almost cried when I went to sleep, and they woke me up again and again until about 1 am... But the cramps are no worse than a period. I'm hoping it stays that way. It's how I was after Weston's c-section. The Surgical Recovery nurse called this morning, and she said that it actually shouldn't get any worse than it is.

Scott's not doing too well. He's very emotional. As he deserves to be. But I'm not sure how to help him. I feel like I am not emotional enough in comparison to him. And maybe it's because I had a Murphy's Law feeling for all but the last 2 weeks? I didn't say anything because so many people were so excited. And it was so easy to fall into their excitement. I started shopping in the last 2 weeks - I bought a diaper bag, and looked at bottles and car seats and strollers. I was getting so excited at this baby. But for Scott - Scott was in it from Day 1. He told his family, everyone at work - so this is hitting him pretty hard. He didn't understand what the tech was telling us at first. I had to explain it all to him. Many many times.

the beautiful flowers
from our daycare family

 I'm just trying to let him do what he needs to do - even if it's hug and kiss me, and constantly tell me how much he loves me. Right now... I am very sensitive to touching, I don't like to be touched when I'm in pain, physical or emotional, and I strike out. I am doing everything I can to not do that. To accept what he needs to give. To make him feel better. Friday afternoon at the doctor's office, he kept telling me how sorry he was and touching me. I was a little mean. When we got out of the office, I apologized and then explained that I was trying not to cry in front of an office full of happy pregnant women. When we got away and by the car, I broke down and just sobbed, holding onto to him for dear life. I have no idea if I've ever cried like that in front of him. When my Mom got sick, there was hope. I cried, but I had hope. It was an uncontrollable soft cry, tears falling, nothing I could do to stop them, the tear faucet was on. This wasn't hope. It was death. Our second baby had died before it even got to live... it was never even a fetus. It wasn't really a baby to anyone but the 2 of us, and to some of our family. There just isn't anything to be done but sob and be sad.

the face of post-miscarriage

I had to tell the boss this morning, in case I had to go home today. He just looked shocked, and maybe it's because I never told them I was pregnant. I had to tell the 2 guys who figured it out. That was rough, one of them was very sad. And I had to tell someone else who was joking about my long weekend. I was kind of short with him, and I felt horrible about it. They have been so kind that it made me so emotional. My tear faucet has wanted to leak all day.

I've already been called by the recovery team at the hospital. I called my OB and changed my appt to their Ankeny office (I forgot there was an office 10 mins from my work.) I called my fertility specialist and left a message with the updated information. Dr. Cooper called back personally. He is so kind and just great. We talked about things, how it's common even in normal women without fertility issues to have 40-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that we did nothing wrong. And how healthy my recovery sounds. He said we could go back to trying after 1 normal cycle. (My OB said 2... we'll see.) I left a message with my family doctor as well, since he handles my diabetic care. Maybe I should have stayed home to make phone calls.

I'm feeling dazed and teary now, but I'm at work. I'll leave early if I need to, though as the day goes on, it's getting better. I'm feeling fine - other than a scratchy sore throat from the breathing tubes during surgery. Hot tea is helping that.

I am amazed at how many women this has happened to; how many never talk about it. It's a travesty. We could help each other. We should help each other. So many of these women have helped me, saved me. I hope to one day be able to help someone else - though I wish this on no one. Ever.

the next step

It's been an exhausting weekend. After sobbing on my bed Friday afternoon and making all the important calls, you know - Mom, sister, family, close friends - while Scott went to his work and explained why he wouldn't be in on Monday, we packed up to leave for the weekend. (I know, what the hell was I thinking?)

I tried to get away so that we would be the only parents at daycare when we picked up Weston. We weren't so lucky. Hugs and pity and genuine sorrow just flowed from everyone straight into me. Our daycare provider, Weston's other mom, helped explain to my little guy that Mommy wasn't feeling too well, and that both Mommy and Daddy are pretty sad. This resulted in lots of hugs from Weston. Just what I needed! I held it together and managed to keep the tears in until I was in the car. We drove north to spend the weekend with Scott's family. Lots of texts from friends, one of our daycare moms is actually making us dinner for tomorrow night, and has agreed to take pictures of Weston's last swim lesson for me since I won't be there.

8 days old

Weston and his cousin Mackenzie, he's so happy!

  Ok... the whole point of going north was to see our brand new Great-Niece, obviously on Scott's side. She was born just a week ago. We made it to Scott's Mom's apartment in Cherokee late Friday night, in a torrential rain storm. We drove up to Hartley to see the new baby the next afternoon. I was feeling a lot better Saturday, nothing felt any different. I was nervous about holding a baby after what we had going on. I was super chatty in the front seat with my mother-in-law. Scott couldn't hear a lot of our conversation. We were talking about cars and how I want to upgrade to a minivan. And she had the nerve to say, "You don't have any more kids. You don't need a bigger car." Yeah... the day after finding out that our pregnancy wasn't viable. I'm still pregnant and she said that to me. She seriously is in need of some sensitivity training. I told her that I was "Acutely aware of the fact that I didn't have another baby. Thank you."

Smiling in her sleep as we said goodbye

Anyway, I held our new niece Mackenzie. And it was ok. She is beautiful. It was soothing, comforting, good, healing. Weston loves her. And I know that they say that new babies don't smile, but she totally smiled at Weston - with her whole face. We stayed for about 4 hours, and as the fog rolled in, Scott's mom said it was time to go. And after checking the weather for NW Iowa and everything between there and Des Moines, we decided to pack up and head back to the 515 as soon as we got back to Cherokee. It was a long ride in super thick fog and the occasional rain storm, but we made it home at midnight - only an hour or so longer than our usual trip, and we had a stop or two along the way.

It's been a slow, but good normal day. My stomach has been very upset and crampy. I'm not sure if it's because of something I ate, the pregnancy symptoms that have been consistent since day one, or my anxiety over tomorrow's D&C. Probably all three. Every time I use the bathroom, I am deathly afraid that my body has finally caught on, and that I am miscarrying naturally. I want nothing to do with nature. I want this to happen in a hospital, the majority taken at one time.

So, I remembered what the doctor had called what happened to us in the middle of the night Friday... she said that what we have is a Blighted Ovum. Here's what I've found out from the American Pregnancy Association:

• A Blighted Ovum happens when a fertilized eggs attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. A blighted ovum occurs in the first trimester, often before a woman even knows that she is pregnant. (Unless, you're me and track everything to the minute. Though I wonder if our super light pregnancy tests were telling us something?)
• A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman's body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor sperm or egg quality. (I also read elsewhere that the placenta can continue to grow, hormones can still be produced, and bodies still act like they are carrying a healthy pregnancy. I have one of those.)
• A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one.

So... tomorrow is going to be so stressful. But the logical side of my brain says, there never was an embryo. Yesterday that seemed to make it easier. When I looked at the ultrasound, all I saw was an empty sac. It has to be better than seeing a baby without a heart beat on the screen. Right? Probably not... at least yesterday I was ok. Today I've been home in a new rain+ice+sleet+snow storm, and I was randomly  teary all day. It just happened. I imagine that tomorrow will be horrible. And every day after will be a bit better. Then again, I have to go to work, so it could be awful for a while. So I am told. I'll try to post soon. I hope this wasn't too much rambling, I just needed to get it all out.

Blueberry, Anyone?

I keep getting all of these emails telling me at what point of development our baby is at. Most are confusing. Most everything is confusing, and here's why:

I really haven't seen a doctor yet. I mean, I went into my Dr.'s Office, peed in a cup and then was told that I wasn't pregnant, oh wait! I am pregnant. We figured out a date based on my last period and they thought I was 4 weeks along. Dilemma 1. Do you go by the last period or the dates of conception? Dilemma 2. If I'm now 6 weeks pregnant, are we looking at week 7 for the development stuff? Half the sites and apps I use are conflicting.

So, Shannon has a school nurse friend at one of her schools where she is a therapist. And this nurse had the trusty Baby Predictor Dial. (My first family doctor had one, and that's how they estimated Weston's due date in the office. It was about a week off from the ultrasound.) So, based on the average date between the possible conception dates, we have a new due date of October 15th. Dilemma 1solved until March 8th. Onto Dilemma 2 - the app on my phone keeps showing a week ahead of how far along I am. For instance, today, I am 6 weeks, 3 days, so the app keeps showing things for Week 7 - which I guess is the week I am in. A few sites are sending me Week 6 stuff. And I am confused. But I think I am going to go by the app on my phone until I know more.


That being said, today I got an email. "Welcome to Week 7" from Babyzone.com. It explained how our Great Embryolio #2 is evolving from "a tadpole, but by the end of the week it will have transformed into a tiny being that's distinctly humanoid. Its body is continuing to lengthen, the arms begin to bend at the elbows and curve around the heart, which is beating even more rhythmically now. By the end of this week the embryo's whole skeleton--made of bendable cartilage, like a shark--will be fully formed. (It will be replaced by bone soon enough.) The baby has a digestive system now, as well as kidneys, liver, heart, spleen, and even an appendix." Outstanding!

Our little Blueberry Jones

The best part? This week your baby is the size of a Blueberry. Ha! A blueberry! I love it when it's kind of a cute little comparison - anything is better than a Tadpole. :) 

Enjoy your Weekend!!! It's my SeaStar Shannon's 29th Birthday tomorrow and we have plans all day long! Some play time with the kids, a little shopping, manicure for me, pedicures for the girls (I hurt my toe and can't have a pedicure - boo!), then dinner at Ohana with the Girls and out for drinks after! So excited for some girl time!

news...

Have you ever used Postagram? It's an App for my iPhone, maybe other smart phones, that takes a picture from your phone (usually the edited Instagram ones) and allows you to mail the photo as part of a post card. The little square photo pops right out for display. I used it for the first time to send a postcard to my grandparents in Texas with a photo of the great-grandkids in their Halloween costumes.

I like Postagram. Postcards are about $0.99 with postage, that's pretty inexpensive. In fact, I just sent 8 Postagrams yesterday to my and Scott's immediate family. Here's the picture:

get it?
(And don't my feet just look fabulous?!?)

Scott thinks it might be too subtle for some of his family, so I included the following message:

"We're keeping the secret a little longer but couldn't wait to tell you that Baby Jones is expected this Fall! - Anxiously awaiting our little bundle, Scott, Erin & Weston"

So yes... that's our news!!! It's still very, very early, so Weston doesn't really know and we haven't put anything up on Facebook. but the most important people will know in the next few weeks. We have an ultrasound on March 8th to make sure that everything is ok. And maybe after that I'll feel more comfortable sharing the news. I share here because I'm not sure very many people read this blog anymore. Shannon and the nurse both have said that I have no problem being pregnant, I just have a hard time getting pregnant. So I shouldn't worry so much. But I am. This just seems impossible sometimes. I still trying to get my head around it.

As for how I'm feeling, well, some days it's like nothing has changed. Other days, I feel achy and nauseous. mostly though, I am just plain exhausted. Just like my last pregnancy. I can fall asleep at any moment. Also - this baby has already decided that it doesn't like coffee. I had 3 different kinds last week (from 3 different places) and every time it tasted "off" - kind of like the wine tasting tinny at Thanksgiving 2007 (before I even knew I was pregnant with Weston.) The only thing I craved the last time was Coffee, and I've been drinking it ever since. But now... I'm drinking water and Kool-Aid. Even Caffeine-free pop doesn't make me as happy as the Kool-Aid. Can't complain about wanting water based drinks. My blood sugars are high, so I am watching my food to make sure I can control them, but I see insulin shots in my future.

Other than all of that, we are very happy. Very, very happy. :)

Wondering if this baby should also be called The Great Embryolio???

A Big Bummer...

I just got back from the doctor…
First things first – our baby is very stubborn. It would move so that you could hear the movement on the Doppler, but not enough to hear a clear and consistent heartbeat. So, we had another ultrasound, and the heartbeat is 148 beats per minute. Thank goodness. I think this baby loves having it’s picture taken.
I had to take the glucose test this morning to monitor my blood sugar. It was very high. Range should be less than 140 after the test, I was 305. So I was sent immediately to the diabetic specialists at Mercy Medical Center. 2 hours later, my blood sugar should have been under 90, it was still 186. Not good. They are pretty certain that I was a diabetic before I got pregnant, and are obviously certain that I am now. So things could get better after the baby is born, but right now, it’s not good. I have to poke my finger and test my blood sugar 7 (!) times a day, I have to give myself an insulin shot in the tummy every night. And then there’s the diet. 160 carbs a day. Not too bad, until you think about where you can’t eat. Like Fast food. So, now I have to plan everything. Like right now, I am contemplating how many carbs are in a stick of gum….
Yeah… I’m freaking out. A lot. Scott looked shell-shocked, and said that this is “F’d up.” Direct quote. He’s worried.
Oh! We should know what the baby is March 14th. That is, if he/she cooperates.

Test Results

Well, the test results came back this morning (I had to call for them since they were going to wait until my next appt on the 15th.) Everything is NORMAL! The baby looks great and all blood work is healthy for me. Phew.
It's not that I worried. I just wanted the pictures. But after I got the pictures all I could think about was what would i do if something was wrong with the baby? Would I have been happier not to know. Would it change my outlook? Well, I am so happy that everything is ok. I feel guilty for feeling like that, but I am slowly letting it go. Everything is ok, and this is progressing normally, as it should.

Tah-Dah!!!

So, we had our doctor appointment last Friday. Of course, they do not tell you anything about the results of the test or if the measurement they took actually meant anything, but they still shed some light on our baby.
As you can see, the baby actually looks like... A Baby. Tah-Dah!!! (Sorry the picture isn't straight, but it's the clearest scan i got.)
So, onto the light shedding... . Apparently the baby has to be flat on its back in order to get the perfect picture of the correct measurements. Yeah, this is definitely my child. It refused to budge from its side and stomach positions. I sleep the same way. And the fact that they had me turning over on my sides and then back to my back just to get him/her to move, didn't really make an impression on this baby. Since it would move and then flip back to our most comfortable position, it's side. Obviously Stubborness is a genetic trait. But eventually we got the right picture, and they finally let me get off the table. It's heartbeat was 161 beats per minute (fabulous), and she/he is measuring 3 days ahead.
I am finally feeling a little better. I slept almost 5 hours straight each night of the weekend, and realized that if i just get up and go to the bathroom, I may sleep another hour or 2 after that. Oh! And I keep having the most detailed, weirdest dreams. In last night's dream I was Designated Driver at a bar in Clinton, where I kept running into people my sister saw in Clinton this weekend. I was much more pregnant and wearing maternity clothes, but everyone kept saying how Fat I looked. Yeah... that was my dream. Man, hormones really screw with your brain. And it's like that most nights now! : )

Check-up...

So we had our latest check-up yesterday. Baby Embryolio is apparently great. All Blood work is normal, and it's heartbeat is very strong: higher than 140, but less than 170 beats per minute. Which i have been assured is extremely normal. Scott was so cute! His face just lit up, and when we got home, he called his mom and after the niceities said, "Guess what? I heard my baby today!" It was truly wonderful to be around.
I do have to go into the Perinatal Center next Friday (the 25th) for more blood work and another ultrasound. This is normal, we are just doing an early exam for Down's Syndrome and another much worse condition called Trisomy Something that is fatal. I have no worries about our baby, Down's Syndrome is not a curse. I really just wanted more pictures of the Great Embryolio. :)
I have to monitor my diet a little better since my sugars were high enough that they are giving me the nasty tasting Glucose test on February 15th. But other than that, and still being so tired I feel like a Van Winkle, I'm finally getting over my cold and starting to feel well again. Which is the true silver-lining.

Today

Today marks the day that our little Embryolio graduates to the new level of Fetus. Yea!!!!
One more step along the way.

Since this is a tremendously successful step for the Embryolio and its parents, we were wondering if the "The Great Embryolio" is still a worthy nickname for the baby? Any thoughts or creative alternatives out there?

Week 11

As our next doctor appointment approaches, here are my thoughts:

1. Other than the nasty cold, I feel great. I'm exhausted, but that's normal. No sickness, no crazy cravings - much to Scott's happiness.
2. Cravings: Carbonation, most specifically: pop, Caffeine Free Pepsi is my current fave.
3. Hates: Cherry Coke in a can - too sweet, crazy I know. Cooking hamburger & raw meat in general - the smell is atrocious.
4. The Great Embryolio - it occurred to us that some of you may not understand the moniker. It's stolen from the "Great Cornholio" a Beavis & Butthead character from the '90s. Sad, but true.
5. Though most seem to think we are having a boy, I had a very detailed dream about a baby girl. Does that mean anything?

We are hoping to hear the heartbeat at this visit. We'll keep you posted.