the next step

It's been an exhausting weekend. After sobbing on my bed Friday afternoon and making all the important calls, you know - Mom, sister, family, close friends - while Scott went to his work and explained why he wouldn't be in on Monday, we packed up to leave for the weekend. (I know, what the hell was I thinking?)

I tried to get away so that we would be the only parents at daycare when we picked up Weston. We weren't so lucky. Hugs and pity and genuine sorrow just flowed from everyone straight into me. Our daycare provider, Weston's other mom, helped explain to my little guy that Mommy wasn't feeling too well, and that both Mommy and Daddy are pretty sad. This resulted in lots of hugs from Weston. Just what I needed! I held it together and managed to keep the tears in until I was in the car. We drove north to spend the weekend with Scott's family. Lots of texts from friends, one of our daycare moms is actually making us dinner for tomorrow night, and has agreed to take pictures of Weston's last swim lesson for me since I won't be there.

8 days old

Weston and his cousin Mackenzie, he's so happy!

  Ok... the whole point of going north was to see our brand new Great-Niece, obviously on Scott's side. She was born just a week ago. We made it to Scott's Mom's apartment in Cherokee late Friday night, in a torrential rain storm. We drove up to Hartley to see the new baby the next afternoon. I was feeling a lot better Saturday, nothing felt any different. I was nervous about holding a baby after what we had going on. I was super chatty in the front seat with my mother-in-law. Scott couldn't hear a lot of our conversation. We were talking about cars and how I want to upgrade to a minivan. And she had the nerve to say, "You don't have any more kids. You don't need a bigger car." Yeah... the day after finding out that our pregnancy wasn't viable. I'm still pregnant and she said that to me. She seriously is in need of some sensitivity training. I told her that I was "Acutely aware of the fact that I didn't have another baby. Thank you."

Smiling in her sleep as we said goodbye

Anyway, I held our new niece Mackenzie. And it was ok. She is beautiful. It was soothing, comforting, good, healing. Weston loves her. And I know that they say that new babies don't smile, but she totally smiled at Weston - with her whole face. We stayed for about 4 hours, and as the fog rolled in, Scott's mom said it was time to go. And after checking the weather for NW Iowa and everything between there and Des Moines, we decided to pack up and head back to the 515 as soon as we got back to Cherokee. It was a long ride in super thick fog and the occasional rain storm, but we made it home at midnight - only an hour or so longer than our usual trip, and we had a stop or two along the way.

It's been a slow, but good normal day. My stomach has been very upset and crampy. I'm not sure if it's because of something I ate, the pregnancy symptoms that have been consistent since day one, or my anxiety over tomorrow's D&C. Probably all three. Every time I use the bathroom, I am deathly afraid that my body has finally caught on, and that I am miscarrying naturally. I want nothing to do with nature. I want this to happen in a hospital, the majority taken at one time.

So, I remembered what the doctor had called what happened to us in the middle of the night Friday... she said that what we have is a Blighted Ovum. Here's what I've found out from the American Pregnancy Association:

• A Blighted Ovum happens when a fertilized eggs attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. A blighted ovum occurs in the first trimester, often before a woman even knows that she is pregnant. (Unless, you're me and track everything to the minute. Though I wonder if our super light pregnancy tests were telling us something?)
• A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman's body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor sperm or egg quality. (I also read elsewhere that the placenta can continue to grow, hormones can still be produced, and bodies still act like they are carrying a healthy pregnancy. I have one of those.)
• A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one.

So... tomorrow is going to be so stressful. But the logical side of my brain says, there never was an embryo. Yesterday that seemed to make it easier. When I looked at the ultrasound, all I saw was an empty sac. It has to be better than seeing a baby without a heart beat on the screen. Right? Probably not... at least yesterday I was ok. Today I've been home in a new rain+ice+sleet+snow storm, and I was randomly  teary all day. It just happened. I imagine that tomorrow will be horrible. And every day after will be a bit better. Then again, I have to go to work, so it could be awful for a while. So I am told. I'll try to post soon. I hope this wasn't too much rambling, I just needed to get it all out.