Red Lipstick is the answer to everything.

Today my heart hurts.

It sort of feels like an anxiety attack - tightening, heart racing and pounding, then it slows down and right when I notice that - it tightens again. And deep breathing isn't helping. Neither is lipstick.

*****
So that was as far as I got yesterday. That's as far as my heart could go.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday. It was 4 days before I missed anything significant. But I couldn't sleep thinking about the possibilities. And even though my womb feels completely empty - don't ask... it just feels... empty. I can't explain it, I took the test. And it confirmed my emptiness. A Big Fat empty spot on the test... only 1 pink line, not 2 lines. In other words, NEGATIVE.

I threw it away and went about getting ready for work. I told Scott. He didn't seem to notice or care. I'm sure that he does, but he reacts so little, that it's hard to feel anything but alone in this. And no matter how many times I tell him that, nothing really changes for long. He said that we can try again. Then again, that's what he's said every month since the Spring when we started trying. I thought that after the surgery, after seeing what I was willing to go through - the pain for weeks - I thought he would be more sympathetic, more communicative, more anything.

I told my sister on my way to work. She gives me all the emotional support that I need. :)  She was sad too. She once again volunteered to be a surrogate. We laughed at how her work would take that - "Um, I pregnant with my brother-in-law's baby. But don't worry, I'm only taking a week off of work since I won't have to take care of it." It's funny that she forgot to leave my part out of it. :)

Once I sat at my desk, I just felt heavy. And so incredibly sad. I applied lipstick for the first time right then. My heart hurt. I held in the tidal waves of emotions and tears that were threatening to fall. No one at works cares enough about me to notice my silence or glistening eyes. I was so incredibly pale in the mirror that the lipstick stuck out. I kept thinking that if we have to go through IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that we would wipe out our Fertility benefit with our insurance... this would be our very last baby. And as my sister says, you automatically want what you can't have. All I could think about was lost possibilities.

I made it through the morning somehow.

At lunch I went to Walgreen's and bought a new hair color, finished some Christmas stocking shopping. I applied another coat of lipstick, finding the perfect shade of red and headed back into work pumped up by some retail therapy.

The afternoon drug by... I started to feel a little lighter. The mantra going through my head: "I'm ok... I didn't lose anything I ever had. I could still hope."

At 4:15, I applied my final lipstick for the day. I felt better. Not great. Not happy. Just not hurting.
And yesterday, that was enough. It's true, the right shade of Red Lipstick can make almost anything enough.

***UPDATE***
Not Pregnant. The test was right. So, we're onto Cycle #2 post surgery. Here we go again!