It's never going away...

I have this amazing friend. She's strong and powerful and so very brave. She's loyal and loving and vulnerable too. She taught me to be ok with who I am (as much as I can ever be) and that it's ok to go to Wal-Mart without makeup or in your pajama pants. :)  I've never worn the jammie pants... but the makeup is optional. I've known her for 13 years now, and we've shared so many things. She's like a sister. And now, our married names are the same. That's the funny part!

Anyway, my friend is pregnant. This wasn't a planned pregnancy - she thought she was done having children and wasn't sure about the stability of her marriage - not to mention the three sons she already had. It was rough on her. And she felt so much guilt because of my struggles with infertility. She is amazingly fertile. (She's offered to surrogate for us over and over again.) So... this pregnancy has been a long road for her.

When I was confirmed pregnant in February, I called her to share the news. We were so happy! Our babies would only be 11 weeks apart. They would so close! We were so excited for the possibilities.

When we lost our baby, she was equally as devastated for us. I spent the night alone with her about 2 weeks after the loss. It was so nice to be able to be honest and open with someone. She didn't understand exactly what I was feeling, but she never limited my feelings or emotions.

Today, she had a 3D ultrasound. And they saw that her baby is a GIRL! And I am so excited and happy for her. Especially after 3 boys. I was overcome with happiness for a moment. We talked for a few minutes, and then I had to go. I was remembering...

I remembered how we were so happy that our babies would be close together, how if they were girls they'd be best friends. How we talked about taking pictures and just enjoying it all together.

And then it hit me.

We wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have that. My baby is gone. The plans were empty. Even if I got pregnant today, our babies would be so far apart. And I don't believe I'm going to get pregnant immediately, I'm a realist. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks... the emotional overload. It doesn't go away. It's not going away. I keep thinking that I am better, forcing myself to be ok - everyone else has moved on, why can't I? And at times like these, I just wish I could shut down and hide under the covers. But I can't. I'm at work. With a bunch of men who have no idea what's going on, or care to see that anything is going on. And two women who don't See either.

I feel invisible and suffocating from my overwhelming emotions and, what I am sure someone would tell me, grief. But no matter how logical I am or how many books I read on the topic... nothing seems to change. I feel fine and normal one minute... and then everything crashes the next. Shannon's right, I probably need therapy.