Failure in Mommydom

So… I had a rough day yesterday. Ok, let’s be honest, I’ll say it’s been rough lately, most of the last couple of months and definitely since Sunday night.

I’ll admit it. I made a Mommy Mistake. When Weston was a baby, we were so grateful to have him. (Don’t worry, we still are.) And he was sick a lot that first year. Nothing serious, but he had Bronchiolitis and a variety of viruses…. When he had to sleep upright, we put him in a car seat by my side of the bed so I could listen to him breathe. Sometimes he slept with us when he was sick so we could sleep too. (The sheer exhaustion of parenting is a white lie no one talks about. I have been tired for 4 years now, ever since I got pregnant. It hasn’t gotten better.) When he was healthy, and he’d wake up in the morning, we’d bring him into our bed. And we’d cuddle and play. We wouldn’t always go back to sleep, we’d have fun. So, Weston got used to being in our bed – 1^st part of the Big Mistake.

The 2^nd part of said Mistake was not instituting a bedtime. Weston was one of those babies who was awake every 3 hours to eat. It was routine and didn’t change much as he got older. My friend’s baby who was sleeping through the night by 3 months with a bedtime of 8 pm that started at 3wks, no problems. That never happened for us. I kept asking our daycare when we should start a bedtime. She said 6-9 months depending on the baby. That was 3 years ago next week. And I tried. I decided on 8:30 pm. The first week, Weston was asleep by 8:15 every single night. In my arms. No self-soothing in the bed. The next week, he cried and cried and cried. I’d lay him down and he’d scream. After 15 minutes, we’d go in and try to help. After a days of this, I asked daycare again what to do. She said not to talk to him or pick him up – to rub his back and sit by the crib. And he would cry forever! It was horrible and heartbreaking to hear. And inevitably, we’d pick him up. And the bedtime never worked. And it was my fault. Scott works late, sometimes past 9pm. I was alone in the bedtime rituals as I am in the dinners, and pretty much most other things. So… as time goes by, we moved into a craptastic apartment on Des Moines’ NE side. Weston again had his own room. He would fall asleep in our room, and we would move him to his crib at night. About 2 or so months after moving there, we transitioned his crib into the toddler bed, because he was trying to climb out. And every night since, Weston has gotten out of his bed, and climbed into ours. And for the longest time, I would try to walk him back to his bed. And he would cry and come back. And then we’d wait for him to be asleep for about 10 minutes, and then we’d take him back to his bed. And about 6 out of 7 nights, I’d wake up in the morning to find him right next to me. At some point, we just became too tired to move him. Or he comes in, and I don’t even wake up any more. He crawls over me to the middle of the bed and I have no idea he is there until morning. I hate sleeping with a toddler. He’s more than half my height now. So there are legs everywhere! Knees planted in the middle of my back. Arms flung over me like I’m his latest favorite stuffed animal. And Scott’s a bed-hog too. So Scott has his half of the bed, and 75% of the covers, and Weston is trying to take my half of the bed. It’s no wonder that I am exhausted and not sleeping well. All I want is my own bed. And I will never have it. I am trying to figure out a way to get Weston to sleep in his own room. I am thinking of trying out his Twin bed in the room we decorated for his birthday. I wonder what he’d think if I slept in there? So, to wrap the Mistakes up… It’s my fault that Weston doesn’t have a bedtime, and it’s also probably my fault that I do not get up constantly to put him back in his own bed. So, now I need to find a way to remedy this…. Sunday I had knees in my back the whole night. Wednesday he wouldn’t go to sleep. He cried because I wouldn’t turn the tv on. And all Scott said was that he needed to be quiet because people were sleeping. Yeah, Scott was sleeping and had been for over an hour – when it was his job to get Weston to sleep that night. Weston and I made up stories to get him to stop crying, and then until he was ready to fall asleep (in my bed.) I calmed him down and got him to sleep in about 20 minutes. And I wonder why I feel all the burden and responsibility for his behavior and actions? Hmmm…

Weston is not potty trained.

I take that back, partially. He is potty trained at daycare. He’s had maybe 2 real accidents in the last 8 months, and maybe 2 other random “I peed on my clothes while peeing” accidents. It’s a boy thing, trust me. Once, about a month ago, I thought we were in for the home stretch. He woke up and went potty in my potty! Before school, no problems, we were all so very excited. He got to pick a prize (Yes, I am to bribery now) and he took a whole big package of name-brand Goldfish to daycare to share with his friends for snack time. And then he got sick over the weekend… so all training went out the window. I decided to be firm last night. I picked him up from daycare. He was in Big Boy underpants. We went to the chiropractor. He begged me for a pull-up or a diaper. I said no. I held firm. We went to the bathroom. He wouldn’t go. I tried going in front of him. He didn’t care. I held firm, we left the bathroom. 20 minutes of begging ended in crying. Horrible, gut-wrenching crying and screaming and sobbing - it was torture for me. I was sad that he was crying and embarrassed because I knew there were massage therapists trying to invoke peace and relaxation and my son was ruining it. I was angry at him for not making this an easy and simple experience. He does it so easily at school. The pure exhaustion of the week, and then dealing with the potty training… I was so mad yesterday. At the situation, at Weston for never listening, at Scott for not helping with the important stuff but having the nerve to want another baby, at the world and everyone in front of me for being there. I cried from the chiropractor’s office to the mall because of my guilt over my anger at my little boy. I almost cried trying to explain it to Shannon in the Playground at the mall. No one understands around me, and I feel like anytime I say anything, I am just being a nagging bitch. Scott won’t listen when I try to talk to him. It’s like if he doesn’t hear it, then it doesn’t exist. And I hate living in oblivion.

I have to get going… but still, I just had to explain myself. I feel guilty all the time for my frustration, anger, and the inability to change things. I feel like my world is spinning out of control, and that I am failing at everything. And I need someone to catch me. To help me. Please? I love my little family more than anything, but I feel like we need to be a better family. And I'm not sure how to do it.

House of Ick

   With the weather constantly fluctuating between 15 and 55 degrees, you can imagine the number of colds and viruses floating through Des Moines. It seems like everyone has been sick forever. My little family caught our cold December 17th. (Yes I know the exact day.) We went to the Dalton Family Christmas in DeWitt. 50+ people in one house, and someone shared something, because Scott, Weston, me and Shannon all woke up Monday morning congested and feeling generally like Poo. We all spent the week leading up to Christmas on every cold med we could think of... DayQuil, Advil Cold & Sinus, Musinex - well everyone except Weston, because he's still too little for Cold Medication. After Christmas, Shannon had a sinus infection; Scott was sneezing and light coughing all the time; I was coughing so badly it felt like I would lose organs; and Weston had a congested cough that seemed to be on it's way out. Add to that, Mom drank from my soda and wine, even though I told her I had a nasty cold and not to do it. So she got the cold which turned into Bronchitis and some other nasty infection that attacks low immune systems. So, Mom got pretty sick, but I did warn her. Many, many times.
  Fast forward to yesterday, January 15th. Scott's on the mend, Shannon too. Mom's on antibiotics, and I'm mainly coughing at night, and when I run out of breath. Weston on the other hand has gotten a lot worse. He now has a bad cough, really congested sounding, and tires very quickly. Yesterday, he coughed so badly he threw up lunch and breakfast. And then again last night, except the poor boy hadn't had anything to eat or drink since the first time. So it was so sad to watch, my little 3 yr old boy holding onto the trash can for dear life.
  I am leaving now to take him to the doctor. When I called for a recommendation on cold meds, they wanted to see him. Since it's been a month, they want to check his ears and lungs. So, I'm off to the doctor! Wish us luck!

ADDENDUM

  So we went to the doctor. Our regular pediatrician, Dr. Emily Gavin, was unavailable. So we met with the new doctor, Dr. Rhonda Dodge. I loved her! She was awesome. And it's great to have a back up doctor. Anyway, after informing Dr. Dodge that one child at daycare has pneumonia, another is on a nebulizer, and a third went home sick with a fever, it was a surprise to hear that Weston's lungs and ears are clear. that all he has is a virus. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done for him. And we were told that the cough sometimes takes 4-6 weeks to move out of his system. Hopefully we're halfway through that wait time. Dr. Dodge did tell Weston that the only medicine he needs is a lot to drink, mainly water and juice. and he seemed to understand her. So... no meds, and lots of fluids. And hopefully we'll be on the mend soon. We woke up to almost 3" of snow this morning... maybe that hard long freeze is on it's way to kill all the bugs in the air. Maybe....

Brrrrr!!!!

Had our first significant snow fall yesterday. The first since last winter, early 2010. It was 50+ degrees 2 days ago, and now it's a high of 18. Brrr is right! The worst part isn't the snow. It's the wind. 30-45 mph wind makes for a very cold walk to the car. i think I'm going to start my car now... and leave in 10 minutes.

resolutions to revelations

Happy 2012!!!

  I am hoping to be a better blogger this year. Then again, I am hoping to have more time to write and more to talk about. My graphic design business has stalled a bit. One because I am so busy with the new job and holidays, and two, because I am waiting for good high-quality pictures for the job I am currently designing.

  Right now, my little family is trying to just settle into the New Year. Post holidays, we’re trying to be home more and to get more organized, and to work more on our family. I want to be a better wife and mother. I really want to be less tired than I have been in the last year. I want to be “there” for Weston. And I am trying really hard to make the time to play. If it means waiting to eat dinner until 8pm… so be it. It’s not like Weston is eating right now any way. (And he’s not. He eats when he’s hungry. So, he’s fine.) And speaking of Weston, he is now more than ½ my height. Which is crazy! At this rate, he’ll be taller than me by the time he’s 8 or 9. I’m sure the growing will slow down, but I still think he’ll pass me by sometime around 10 or 11 years old. Right now he’s learning about Dinosaurs and Paleontologists. And our daycare is so amazing! Yesterday, Weston and his fellow Paleontologists did a field study outside (thank you 60 degree day in January!) and they “dug” up dino bones. (Cut from paper) and their most exciting find was deer poop in the field. Kids. J So, it’s Dinosaur mania in our house.

  Scott is working, and finally getting home at a decent hour, now that the liquor-fueled holidays are over. He’s hurting a bit… not sure what he plans to do about it. But I’d love for him to feel better soon. Maybe with his chiropractor finally back from a 2 week vacation, he can get his body fixed. These weekends at home are helping too.

  I started my new job at RCS Millwork last week. And on days when I am busy, it’s great. I feel so productive and useful. And then the days when the Project Managers forget that I am here, and they do everything by themselves… well those are the days that I want to fall asleep. And it’s so warm in this office, that if I am not careful, I Will Fall Asleep. Oops.

  I will close with a little insight from a toddler: This has been the best week with Weston in a while. Not that he isn’t great in general; it’s just that this week he has been especially poignant and just plain fun. Case in point: Saturday we had a movie night. He wanted to be in our bedroom and he wanted Auntie Shannon to be with him. So she went. They were watching Curious George and discussing anatomy. Where’s your brain? Weston points to his head. Where’s your heart? Weston points to his chest. And then he says,

“If someone hurts your heart, you might cry.”

Yep. Very astute for my 3 year old, though he’s usually logical. on Monday, we played puzzles, and cars, and in a tent, and wrestled with his 4’ tall stuffed Frog named Phreddie. (Phreddie won.) And when Daddy came home, Weston played with him too. Last night at Shannon’s, he kept making the best faces. And then we played with her Melissa & Doug puppet named: Cupcake (Shannon), Strawberry Shortcake (Weston), and Janice (by me, because she looks like Janice from Animal’s rock band on the Muppets.) It was high-larious! Though the funniest part was when Weston spoke in a high voice for the puppet. I need to get the video from Shannon. Yes, it’s on video.

  My point is this… life is constantly changing. Sometimes for the worse, hopefully for the better. I resolve to try and look at 2012 as a year where things are Good. Things don’t have to be great. But so long as everyone is happy and healthy for the most part, then I will love Good. And I will be satisfied.

I GOT A JOB!!!

Ok, picture this:

Last Friday, I jump up from my desk and then I jump up and down screaming, "I GOT A JOB!!! I GOT A JOB!!!" Over and over again.
Last Friday, I was offered a position with RCS Millwork. Sort of a purchasing, material overseer type position. It doesn't actually exist, they are creating it for me. They wanted me enough to make a position for me! It still doesn't sound real yet. We met yesterday, discussed the terms, and came to an agreement. I accepted! I start on January 3rd. I have all next week off. I am excited, and scared. But the pay is an increase, and allows us some movement in the upcoming year. Hopefully we can find somewhere larger larger and nicer to live. Maybe plan to add to our family in 2013.

So, Merry Christmas, I have a Job!!!

new opportunities!

I've started a new blog for the project that I am working on. I can't call it a company, but it's definitely an exciting possibility. If you are interested in my services, let me know!!!

Affordable Arts Designs... my new logo

the end

My Company is closing.
After 70 years, the Onthank Company has decided to shut its doors. And this is incredibly sad to me. I'm not saying that I love my job (because I don't) but I like it at times. I Love the people that I work with. We have gone through so much. We've had weddings, infertility, babies and grand-babies. We've lost coworkers to other employment and lay-offs. We've lost one friend to tragedy, something that haunts a few of us daily.
I had planned on being at Onthank for a while. Maybe long enough to move up the chain a little more, or to have the company compensate me for all the work I've done.
The last 2 years have been hard. Having to constantly talk around our situation to our customers, having to go against morals and honesty, losing friends to lay-offs.
I should be happy to be able to find another job with a company with less stress. Instead, I am scared to death. I haven't had to look for a job since 2003 when I moved to Sioux City to be with Scott, without any job prospects. It was terrifying. And things are different now, we have Weston. He has daycare, etc.
And to bring my personal feelings into this, because it is personal, it may be business, but it's still personal to me, this puts a real damper on our family planning. We had put into action all the beginnings to try for another baby early next year. Obviously, we can't go through with that at this time. Even the best company would more than likely require one year on the job before granting maternity leave. And there is no way I can have another baby without a job. Everything is dependent on the next job.
So, thank you Onthank Company - for giving me a career that I felt uniquely qualified for (and is becoming glaringly obvious that I will not find again), for now depriving me of spending 8 hours a day with people I love and customers I adore, and for sending my family-planning to the back burner because this in 2011 and not 1950, and we both have to be gainfully employed just to have children.
I think this Friday may be my last day, not that anyone has said anything for certain, and I am not going to promise not to cry.