Thoughts...

Ever see that show on The Learning Channel (TLC) called I Didn't Know I was Pregnant? Scott and I watched 3 episodes on Sunday. He thought it was fake. Completely not real. There is no way that a woman wouldn't know she was pregnant. I kept trying to tell him that these are true stories, that TLC doesn't lie. The only thing I didn't tell him was that this has become my biggest fear.
I am scared to death that this will happen to us. That because of my screwed up reproductive system, combined with the crazy-ass birth control I am on, we will find out at my yearly exam on September 14th that I'm like 4-5 month preggers. Now you ask, "Why wouldn't she know? Why does she think this is possible?" Here are my reasons:
1. My reproductive system: I had/have Endometriosis. I have been afraid for the last few months that this disease is coming back with a vengeance. The usual symptoms have been occurring, though not as frequently or as painful as last time.
2. My birth control: the best cure for Endometriosis is to convince your body that it's pregnant or not functioning. Every period and hormone swing associated with a period causes Endometrial tissue to grow and scar. So by using birth control to limit my periods to every 3 months, I am essentially preserving my chance at conceiving in the future. Except my body won't listen. I changed to stronger birth control, and it's worse. Spotting... break through... all things that are not supposed to be happening.
3. I am so tired I can fall asleep anywhere. This was my major pregnancy side-effect the last time. It feels like it's getting worse. And I am sort of sleeping through the night now. So I should be less tired, not more tired.
4. Back spasms... again, something that I had while preggers with Weston.
5. Clothes. I'm not gaining weight, but things are definitely tighter. I am so annoyed.
6. Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Sometimes my personal mantra in life. This is the worst time to even consider having another baby. Weston is thriving and learning and on the go. I am enjoying this age, I do not want another child to take away from that. (Selfish I know.) We cannot afford another child, we can barely afford the one we have now. And we are almost done with formula! I want a break from bottles and baby food. I couldn't imagine double diapers and double daycare. I'd be working to pay for daycare. it's nuts.

So... you can see how this would be a very big nightmare for us. I hope that my body is just being crazy and not incubating Weston's future sibling. I made the mistake of telling a friend about this fear and now it's all i think about. What if? What if? Cross your fingers and toes... we are not prepared for this.