Mom...

So, my Mom is in the hospital battling Round 4 of Chemo.
She has caught yet another infection while in the hospital. You would think that the hospital would be a safe place. That especially the 7th floor, the Bone Marrow Transplant and Adult Blood Cancer floor or the 4th floor, which is technically the Leukemia floor. But yet, their are dust-bunnies floating around, and if you wipe up a spill on the floor, it shows how dirty the floor is. It's ridiculous. The hospital is more dangerous for her than we are. This intestinal infection is so painful for her that my dad says that her doctors have her on Morphine. But if all goes well, she should be released to home tomorrow.
And I just got off the phone with Mom. She sounds awful. She is in so much pain. And then the morphine makes her kind of out of it. There is no way she will be released tomorrow. Until they get this infection under control, I have no idea when she will be released. The sound of her today... I haven't been this scared since the first night. She was sobbing from the pain. Sobbing from the fact that she thought I was crying (which I wasn't), sobbing when she realized that she forgot Scott's birthday (he wouldn't care.) Everything hits her so much more when she is in physical pain. It's like she can only handle one kind of pain at a time. If she is being attacked physically, then she has no defense against the emotional pain. If she's battling emotions, well then she's the strongest person ever. This bitch, Cancer, is hitting on both levels at the same time. And it's hard. She is also suffering from Neuropathy. Which is when you lose the feeling in a part of your body, it can also be accompanied by pain. Mom's neuropathy is in the heels and toes of her feet. Socks even cause traumatic pain.
So... now I feel like vomiting. The feelings inside me are threatening to choke me to death. They sit on my chest, trouble my dreams, follow me around. It feels like a blanket pulled too tight around my entire body. And while I needed to express my feelings, I also need to look toward the future.
Above is a picture taken of my Mom in May. The one and only time she visited our new place in Des Moines. She was resting in Weston's room and I was showing her how I was storing my formal dresses in Weston's closet. She said that she has never tried on a true formal dress. Really? Really?!?!? So I whipped out one of my favorites. This is the one I was supposed to wear at Shannon's almost-wedding. I love it. The color, the fit, the price ($104!!!) So Mom tells Scott to stay out and gets into the dress, and she looks amazing! I have decided to give her this dress for the Cancer Prom that I am throwing for my Mom when she beats this damned disease! We're throwing her a prom (because she never went.) and we'll have a cover charge with all proceeds going to Cancer research!!! As soon as she wins the war!!! Because, we all know she will. And it just might be a beautiful raspberry formal dress that pushes her ahead.

Love you, Mom!!!