Cancer is a Bitch!

on another note... I am feeling angry, and selfish, and miserable... and thrilled by how much these little boys are moving!

My Mom had a sore throat a week ago. But Tuesday she was admitted to the hospital; by 6pm that night she was transferred to the main hospital in the state; by 10pm that night, the doctors had called it a Recurrence of ALL - Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. My mom battled this in 2010, and had a Stem Cell Transplant in 2011. In 2012, she battled a localized spot with radiation and everything was fine.

Mom and me, Sunday, 9/30

To say this is a shock is an understatement. We had so many plans for this Fall... making blankets for these boys, refinishing 2 dressers for their room, decorating all 3 boys' rooms. She was coming out to stay with me for about 2 weeks to pick up Weston from School when daycare is closed. And she was coming out when these boys are born for weeks to help. I feel so selfish thinking of all the things she won't be able to do with me... and wondering how they are going to get done.

Here's what we found out this weekend:

We converged on Iowa City en masse Friday night. We spent 40+ mins with Dr. Carter and here's what we learned: her cancer is fatal, all they can do is try to give her time and make her comfortable. Apparently the team knew that her Stem Cell transplant was considered a "failure" since last year when the leukemia came back localized in her elbow. The doctors just never told us that- and I'm not going to lie, we all got mad at that. They were just waiting for it to come back, and we should feel incredibly "lucky" to have had the time we've had. I'm not feeling very lucky right now. 
Everything revolves around her kidneys. They've been slow all week. If they come back and start to work better, then Mom could have months. If not... We're down to days or weeks. Her oncologist is against all machines to extend life - dialysis and such- He calls it a "Quality of Life" thing. But her kidneys aren't bad enough for that yet - but they very soon could be.
It's a 50/50 battle for the kidneys. And they're slow because the leukemia is reproducing so fast and dumping cellular garbage into her blood that its overloading her kidneys.
 
Saturday was a brighter day. She had started steroids over night and woke with minimal pain and was able to move around all day really well! It surprised her doctors, but we all know what a fighter Mom is. We had some good laughs and some tears - lots of talking, etc. 

Sunday brought the good news of better kidney function (not great, but any improvement is a positive sign for us!), but also a lot of exhaustion and a headache that went away after food - I think we wore her out yesterday! So we visited and painted her nails, and let Mom get some much needed rest. The highlight of my day was Mom walking to the family room to check on her grandbabies - and then the photo op that followed (pictures to follow.)

Mom walked down to the Family Room to
give her Grandbabies hugs and kisses.

I just got a call from my sister that the headaches aren't as simple as we thought... they did a Cat Scan this morning and the results showed 2 small brain bleeds. She had hit her head on the car over a week ago... that could be one of them. But they aren't sure, and she is still bleeding. The plan is to pump her full of platelets and hope that these damned bleeds clot by themselves. There is no way that Mom can have surgery - her counts are way too small. I take comfort in knowing that her personality is the same and that they found them quickly. We're waiting to hear back on what we need to do, but for now, we're hanging out together.

So Pregnancy Hormones plus Cancer. I'm not in the best place most of the time. And the fact that no one wants to stress me out - it's not working. I just want to bury my head in a cold pillow and cry myself to sleep most of the time.

The amount of fear that I am living with makes me worry for these babies. I just want them and my mom to be healthy. I want her to hold them. I want her to be here for all of it. I want her to get out of the hospital and to spend some quality time with her favorite casinos. :)  I want her to go out in her own style.