Grief

I was about 7, so the summer of 1987. Grandma was pretty healthy here. We all were... look at those tans! We were visiting Clinton for the summer then. We lived in Pensacola, Florida at the time.

My Grandma died 20 years ago today, September 9, 1989. Last year I spent this entire day marveling over my almost 6 week old baby. I cried about how he would never know my Munga (the name I came came up with that meant everything Grandma.) She was the best grandma and a little girl's best friend.

I am surprised that I actually still feel so raw inside. I cry at the thought of her. The amount of physical pain this loss still causes never fails to amaze me. It hurts to breathe. When my mind wanders today, my hearts races and my chest tightens. The tears overflow and I cannot stop them, no matter how hard I try. It's like an anxiety attack. I am overwhelmed.
And it's been 20 years...

When I pray, I pray to God first, then I pray to my grandma to put in a good word for me. When I feel that all is lost, I pray only to her. When we were trying so hard to have a baby, I asked her over and over if it was meant to be and would she please try and help.

If I feel like this, I wonder how my mom manages to get through everyday.

I only hope that Weston has his Grammy longer than I had mine. I know that he loves her as much as I loved mine. The thought of us losing my mother is more than I can bear.

I have often been told that I resemble my Grandma in many ways - we have the same lips, tend to chew our food the same, squint our eyes when we smile. She used to tell me that my nose was like a little ski slope (as she "ski'd" right off it with her index finger.) And I remember her calling me "Pumpkin."

Mary Jane Smith, about 7 or 8 years old, so around 1936 or so.

Around the age of 18 or 20, she wasn't generally this serious as a grandma, but I know that her childhood was not easy and that she wasn't able to go to school after the 8th grade because she needed to work. I always remember her as being incredibly smart. She knew everything and always helped with homework, etc. I like to think I was a precocious 9 yr old, but she always kept me on my toes!

Kissing my Grandpa on the Front Porch... I don't know if they were married yet, but they were in love. And they loved each other until they died. My grandpa, Harold Stahl, was 52 (or 53) when he died of a heart attack. I never knew him, nor was he able to meet my dad, but thanks to my mom and Grandma, I always felt like we knew him.

Me and Munga on the USS Saratoga, my Dad's ship (around 1986 I think.) We got to go on a voyage once. It was pretty cool. She looks a little beaten up here. This round of chemo took her hair and it was too windy for the wig.
Cancer is a real bitch.

Go HAWKS!

We had a wonderful weekend. More to come later, I promise. But here's the gist: We started in Cedar Rapids with the family; had a date day on Saturday at the Iowa-UNI game (Weston enjoyed his grandparents and Aunt & Uncle) and then we picnicked with Shannon on Sunday at Easter Lake. Here are the game day pics that I have from my phone:

The Hawkeye Train... it's awesome! It's a double-decker train that speeds from Coralville to a ditch by Kinnick Stadium, on one side is Coraville, on the other is corn. It only took 8 minutes and was super easy and is now my very favorite way to travel in IA City.
This was obviously our first visit inside Kinnick. It was a blast. After this picture, I had Scott hold the camera up. His arms are longer, thus I look better.

This is full Stadium at Half Time during The IA band show... look how nice their formation is. It was obviously "Wear Gold" day... I didn't get the memo.

I ran into someone at Scheels in the Coralville Mall. It was abrupt and hilarious and awkward and I told Scott all about in line checking out. I will definitely give more details another time.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your Consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Oh Hell Yes they can!

I had a Conference Call Meeting today at noon with the 17 North American distributors for DuPont (Corian) and DuPont's Andrea. I take these calls in the back conference room where it is very quiet and there are no prying eyes. I am by far the youngest on these calls. They are managers and vice presidents while I am merely a Purchasing Agent who is also on the order desk, who also does billing and graphic design. So, while I feel inferior over my age and inexperience every single call, I have gradually been getting over these problems. Until today. Today I am early for the call (a first!) and I have my notes, my pen and my Diet Coke (all set!) So, we get on and basically do a roll call. Then we go over the agenda (we're all on "Mute" so we can do other things too, like paint my toenails - which I did! Hey- when else am I sitting still anymore?) As we move into the first topic, I start to notice that Andrea from DuPont keeps saying things like, "This graph shows..." and "Do you see what I am referring to?" Oh, CRAP! She's got visual aids and they are all somehow seeing things that I am not! I am a moron, how did this happen?!?!?! So, I call my friend, Adam, our IT guy, on my cell while listening to the conference call. I have him open up my computer in my cubicle and pull up all of Andrea's emails. Were there any graphs or visuals on these emails? "Nope," he says. Are there any links? "Nope. Sorry," he says and then he goes to lunch. So here I am, listening, taking notes, but not seeing what they are seeing.

I felt like a complete phony who was about to get caught any minute.

The meeting takes an hour. I've been frantically taking detailed notes of the things I am not seeing for over 45 minutes now.

My boss Don, the VP of Surfaces, finally returns to the office. I rush in to take a seat on his 2nd hand 1960's office chair (I love this chair. It's very Mad Men sitting in front of the big boss' desk. Oh, and it's comfortable too.) Don assures me that I am capable and adult enough to do my job, and that, No, I cannot quit because then he'd have to quit. (This about the 4th time in a year that Don has told me that he cannot work here without me.) I tell him that he had better find us new jobs, because I cannot handle feeling inadequate. (I don't think he is taking my inadequacy seriously today.) So, we discuss the issues at hand, determine that we should stop our discussion and move to owner David's office and start the discussion over. It is then determined that Adam the IT guy and I should find a report in our system to assemble a list of products ranked by the amount sold within a 12 month period. We do. It works. The bosses are positively thrilled with this report.

And finally, after 2 hours, the meeting and all of the immediate issues that followed it are all tucked away. I can finally calm down and return to breathing at a normal person's level and my heart rate has slowed and I no longer feel anxious and jittery. (I get anxious and jittery and absurdly hyper whenever i feel overwhelmed or nervous. It's a continuing issue with me.)

I need a Martini (vodka, shaken with 3 olives) just to recover today.

Justified Road Rage.

Driving behind an annoying-as-hell Bosnian couple who are going 30mph in a 45 in Ankeny and just caused me to miss my left turn. Slouched so far down in their ghetto Altima that his giant sunglasses are the only thing visible above the steering wheel! Ugh!

Good-bye, Camelot

This is my favorite picture of the Kennedy brothers: a wishful-looking Teddy surrounded by Bobby and John. They all look so happy and enthusiastic.

I was deeply saddened by the loss of Senator Ted Kennedy yesterday... .

The Kennedy family truly seemed like royalty to the child that I used to be. I equated Jacqueline Kennedy with Princess Diana. To me, they were the same. Ted Kennedy was the head of his family, he seemed to take care of everyone. His eulogy of his nephew, John F. Kennedy, Jr. was perhaps one of the moist poignant speeches given. Here is an excerpt:

"We thank the millions who have rained blossoms down on John’s memory. He and his bride have gone to be with his mother and father, where there will never be an end to love. He was lost on that troubled night, but we will always wake for him, so that his time, which was not doubled, but cut in half, will live forever in our memory, and in our beguiled and broken hearts. We dared to think, in that other Irish phrase, that this John Kennedy would live to comb gray hair, with his beloved Carolyn by his side. But like his father, he had every gift but length of years."

Ted Kennedy served his country as best he could. Because of his voice, spirit and strength, he made America better for everyone. He improved Health Care, Minimum Wage, and Immigration, just to name a few. It seemed as if he were trying to live up to the legacies left behind by his fallen brothers, but I think he outshone them with pure determination. He will be missed.

Little League

(The kid on the far left, #13, never smiled during the whole game. The commentators for ESPN were commenting on it all night, which was sort of hilarious. He was Iowa's starting pitcher.)
Iowa was just eliminated from Little World Series. :-( and yes, we watched the games. I cheered. These Urbandale kids were awesome! I really felt like they were going to pull out a win in the 5th inning.

On a funny note... When the Crowd cheers, "I-O-Wah" I swear it sounds like an Indian war cry. I sort of loved it. Scott's all like, "Weston is going to play ball." and I'm like, "yeah...." He probably will. He loves watching baseball, and he cheers. It's great.

I could not find any happy pictures of our Urbandale team (by the way, Urbandale is another Des Moines suburb) so, I had to use these sad pictures. I was looking for a picture of this fabulous rolling catch that one of our outfielders made yesterday - it was so awesome that it had the New York fans cheering with the Iowa fans.

The 5th Circle...

This week has been awful. If this were Dante's Inferno, we'd have sunk to a new horrible Ring of Hell. Everything everywhere has hit the fan, and I am at a loss as to how to fix it.
On top of the bad, I have returned to the level of exhaustiveness that I left behind with Weston's first month on the planet. He first woke up at 1:25am. He was not asleep when I last looked at the clock at 4am. But he was asleep at 6:30 when I woke up late. And then he woke up in a great mood around 7:15.
The most annoying thing that just tops the cake? The amount of people everyday that call me "Anne" when I answer the phone, "Good Morning/Afternoon, Onthank. This is Erin, how can I help you?" After the first few days, I tried speaking slowly, letting people get used to hearing me on the phones again. I've come to the conclusion that they really don't listen to me. They hear the tail-end of what i am saying and make their own conclusions. I have only corrected one person, and they actually had the nerve to sound offended, like I offended them by insisting that they say my name correctly. I am sorry, but Erin is not difficult. It's 4 freaking letters.
The Best part of my week? And yes, in this mess, there is a best part. I am on Furlough tomorrow!!! Sleeping in (I'll try, but it won't likely happen.) Going to Tango with Shannon, her fundraising gala for Children & Families of Iowa. yea! Adult time.

But the best thing is this:

Yoplait Whips Yogurt. Frozen. Tastes like sherbet!!! love it! and at 140 Calories... totally a happy snack.