Red Lipstick is the answer to everything.

Today my heart hurts.

It sort of feels like an anxiety attack - tightening, heart racing and pounding, then it slows down and right when I notice that - it tightens again. And deep breathing isn't helping. Neither is lipstick.

*****
So that was as far as I got yesterday. That's as far as my heart could go.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday. It was 4 days before I missed anything significant. But I couldn't sleep thinking about the possibilities. And even though my womb feels completely empty - don't ask... it just feels... empty. I can't explain it, I took the test. And it confirmed my emptiness. A Big Fat empty spot on the test... only 1 pink line, not 2 lines. In other words, NEGATIVE.

I threw it away and went about getting ready for work. I told Scott. He didn't seem to notice or care. I'm sure that he does, but he reacts so little, that it's hard to feel anything but alone in this. And no matter how many times I tell him that, nothing really changes for long. He said that we can try again. Then again, that's what he's said every month since the Spring when we started trying. I thought that after the surgery, after seeing what I was willing to go through - the pain for weeks - I thought he would be more sympathetic, more communicative, more anything.

I told my sister on my way to work. She gives me all the emotional support that I need. :)  She was sad too. She once again volunteered to be a surrogate. We laughed at how her work would take that - "Um, I pregnant with my brother-in-law's baby. But don't worry, I'm only taking a week off of work since I won't have to take care of it." It's funny that she forgot to leave my part out of it. :)

Once I sat at my desk, I just felt heavy. And so incredibly sad. I applied lipstick for the first time right then. My heart hurt. I held in the tidal waves of emotions and tears that were threatening to fall. No one at works cares enough about me to notice my silence or glistening eyes. I was so incredibly pale in the mirror that the lipstick stuck out. I kept thinking that if we have to go through IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that we would wipe out our Fertility benefit with our insurance... this would be our very last baby. And as my sister says, you automatically want what you can't have. All I could think about was lost possibilities.

I made it through the morning somehow.

At lunch I went to Walgreen's and bought a new hair color, finished some Christmas stocking shopping. I applied another coat of lipstick, finding the perfect shade of red and headed back into work pumped up by some retail therapy.

The afternoon drug by... I started to feel a little lighter. The mantra going through my head: "I'm ok... I didn't lose anything I ever had. I could still hope."

At 4:15, I applied my final lipstick for the day. I felt better. Not great. Not happy. Just not hurting.
And yesterday, that was enough. It's true, the right shade of Red Lipstick can make almost anything enough.

***UPDATE***
Not Pregnant. The test was right. So, we're onto Cycle #2 post surgery. Here we go again!

Surgery Results...

I met with Dr. Cooper on Nov. 30th.

I am healing just fine. Everything looks good.

Results: I had a lot of adhesions and scar tissue from my last laproscopy and the C-Section from my 2008 pregnancy. So, incisions had to be changed. While inside, Dr. Cooper removed what adhesions, etc. that he needed to move. My liver looks great. (Always a good thing for diabetics!)

In regards to the Endometriosis, there wasn't as much present as there was during the first surgery five years ago. Which I thought was great. That was all removed as well. But Dr. Cooper explained something - just a small amount can destroy my fertility. Basically, there was a study done. fluid was taken from the reproductive areas of 3 women. One had Stage 3 Endometriosis, another had Stage 1, and the 3rd was normal and healthy - no Endometriosis. 3 healthy, normal eggs were placed in the different fluids and fertilization was attempted. The egg in healthy, normal fluid fertilized without concern. The Endometriosis eggs did not fertilize at all. The fluid with a low-level Stage 1 and the Stage 3 Endometriosis was toxic to the eggs. It didn't matter how bad the Endometriosis was... it was still Toxic in any level!
Dr. Cooper also described Endometriosis in another unconventional way:
Think of a small pimple just out of reach on the back of your shoulder. In the mirror it looks small and inconsequential. But when you move your arm, shoulder, or back - you can feel the inflammation and pain in a huge area all around it. Endometriosis is the same... it causes Inflammation that affects everything near it. But removing even the smallest amount, we have removed the affects.

According to Dr. Cooper, I should have 9-18 months of good fertility. :)

I've been prescribed the Femara again to guarantee ovulation. We're going to try it on our own for the next few months. (Hopefully it doesn't take that long!) If that doesn't work... we'll go back for IVF.

new look...

I've updated my look for the Christmas Holiday... and it could go after that. I love the teal/turquoise with red for Christmas. And even the addition of the green! It's like smooshing Winter and Christmas together.

What you can barely see on my blog is the snow falling. I love the look of it, and I may end up changing the background so that it shows up more. So far it's hardly visible.

So... I hope to start putting up our Christmas decorations soon. Are you doing yours? It seems like everyone already has theirs up around here... like I am behind the game and it's not even December 1st yet. :)

I hope you enjoyed the Thanksgiving holiday. I'll try to post pictures soon. And post the results of my surgery.

Until then....

Recovery

I had surgery last Friday.

It was originally scheduled for 7:00 am, but was moved to 10:30am. Not a bad deal actually. I was able to take Weston to preschool myself, and I stopped at the post office to mail invitations I had made for a baby shower. Scott even ran to the grocery store before we left at 930 to pick up Mom in Ankeny. We got to the surgery center and checked in right on time. I think I only waited 5 or so minutes before being called back into the Pre-Op area. Mom came with me, since Scott didn't seem as interested as she did. I had a great nurse named Michelle. We did an EKG, and got me hooked up to the IV. We had about a 25 minute delay due to the surgery prior to mine. The anesthesiologist actually walked me back to my OR holding my IV in his hands. It was nice, and gentle. They loaded me up on the narrow operating table, and buckled me in. Each are was buckled onto a board - I looked like I was shackled to a metal cross. No sooner than they strapped the blood pressure cuff on me, I was out. No idea what they used, but it worked. I was apparently out for an extra hour after surgery too. But it went well. There wasn't much endometriosis to clean up, but they got it as well as some scar tissue and adhesions from the previous surgery. They used only 2 surgical points, instead of 3. But man... I am sore! And nauseous. I'm on Percocet. And back at work today. Though I shouldn't be... and I will probably go home early. I'm just out of it today. Way off. Going to try lunch now... see if the food helps out at all. If not, I'm going home. Mom and Aunt Linda are there with Weston... maybe I can get a little TLC too. :)

Fun new iPhone apps, using Halloween 2012 as inspiration!

Halloween 2012 seemed to go on forever!

This year, we visited the Blank Park Zoo for their Night Eyes event. For a small amount of money, we got to Trick or Treat at the Zoo! Each of us, including adults, got a bag full of candy, and we saw the few animals that could handle our cold weather. Weston wanted Scott to be a frog, and me to be a "One-Eyed Girl Monster." As promised, here's a picture. I built these 2 costumes in about 3 days. Not bad. I think I was channeling Celia from Monsters, Inc. minus the snakes.  We had planned on wearing the costumes again on Beggar's Night here in Des Moines, but it was too cold. (Beggar's Night is what the locals call Trick or Treating, and it's rarely on October 31st. This year it was on the 30th.)

the Frog, One-Eyed Girlie Monster, and Captain America at Night Eyes in the Blank Park Zoo. 10/19/12

So, between Beggar's Night and the actual day of Halloween, we had a lot of fun. But, I also received my new iPhone 4 upgrade from AT&T. I thought it would be cooler than it was, but it wasn't. Apparently the phone I wanted was the iPhone 4S. I didn't get Siri or any of the cool upgrades. In fact, the only improvement over my iPhone 3G was the 5 mega pixel camera with flash and front lens, a huge improvement over the lens-less 1.2 mega pixel camera on the 3G. So, to get over my disappointment, I downloaded some new Apps. These 3 apps were recommended by a website reference on Pinterest. I combined all of our activities over 2 days, including the pictures my brother shared of my nieces!

•  PicFrame - you guessed it... It creates frames! Which I've been trying to figure out for months! you can changes the qty and ratio of sizes, colors, etc.
• Phonto - This allows for type or symbols to be added to any photo/project. It's got a great choice of fonts, colors, sizes, etc.
• Picfx - this one lets you edit square pictures by using a variety of filters... and you can layer the filters too! I really like the Vintage set, and the Light set which gives me the fun flashes of light, including the small hearts I used with the girls.
• Postagram - This may be the coolest one! This allows you to send a Postcard with a removable "Instagram" type photo (or any below) to anyone who can receive snail mail. You create a stamp, add a small comment, and off it goes. I sent the one of the 3 great-grandkids from Halloween to my grandparents in San Antonio. Cost - $0.99 each, but you get 5 for free when you sign up!

My first "frame"! Clockwise from top right: My Halloween headband, Paisley dressed as Strawberry Shortcake, Weston as Captain America, Zoey as Miss Frankie Stein (Monster High), Trick or Treating with Weston's friend Lily, and my fuchsia lace tights and (according to Weston) witch shoes.

I framed and used the "small hearts" filter from PicFx to create this collage of my nieces for my brother. I texted it to him so he could load it on his Facebook page.

This is the Postagram picture that I framed and used Phonto to add the text and the stars to send as a postcard via snail mail to my grandparents in San Antonio.

   I am loving these new apps!!! And I will be upgrading my music to Spotify probably tonight or tomorrow so that I can have more room on the this phone. Right now, I can't even take pictures, I am out of so much room.

SCHEDULED

Surgery has been scheduled.

Friday, November 9th at 7am. The time could change, but as of right now, I am first in line. Which means that we will need someone to take Weston to daycare that morning. He will be better there than with us.

But this means that I will miss my Mother-in-law's birthday. We've had it planned since the beginning of September. We're taking her to the butterfly gardens in Sioux Falls, SD. I've never been to Sioux Falls, or a Butterfly garden - and I was excited about surprising Lila with this road-trip party. We'd gotten most of the family to agree to the Caravan trip. I think I will still send Scott and Weston up. It will give me the bed to myself - more room to recover, right? My mom thinks it's awful for Scott to leave me. And if Weston would sleep in his own room - this wouldn't be much of an issue.

So... I will ask someone to stay with me over the weekend. And I will get cleaned out.

TTC is officially on hold until the end of November. And there is a little relief mixed with a little panic in that. But there is nothing more we can do on our own.

life keeps going

So... we've spent a week discussing the decision that had to be made. Every time I told Scott that we needed to talk, he knew exactly to what I was referring. And that felt like a first. So, I hope that it was on his mind as much as it was on mine. Scott wasn't as helpful as he thinks. He's very "Pro Woman" which means that he's pro-my-choice-for-my-body. So I am responsible for all the decisions concerning conception, since it all happens in my body. And I should be grateful for this, and the support he gives me, but in all selfishness, I just wanted someone to make the decision for me. When Scott didn't do that, and insurance wasn't screaming one way or the other (both options are covered), I went with my gut. We're going to go through with the laproscopy to clean the Endometriosis from my body. It's less time off of work, less money, and as my mom said, "Maybe it's best to get rid of the bad stuff from your body." And she's right. We're going to start fresh. I'm thinking that they will schedule for the 9th of November. I should know more in a day or 2 when I get my monthly reminder that I'm not pregnant and can call and schedule. (I'm not pregnant. I don't feel pregnant, and I took a test last night to satisfy my curiosity.) The 9th is the weekend we had planned to go to Sioux Falls to the butterfly garden for Scott's mom's 83rd birthday. I am looking forward to going... but if the surgery is that Friday, I am packing my boys off to go without me. Mainly so I can sleep uninterrupted post surgery. My mom isn't happy about it. But it's what's going to happen I think. I think it will be best for everyone.

So... while my brain was constantly running 100 mph, life went on. We had a huge weekend of super excitement. Here's some pictures:

Friday night, we went Trick or Treating at an event called Night Eyes at the Blank Park Zoo. We bought advanced tickets, so it only cost me $12 for the 4 of us. And we came home with 5 bags of candy, totally worth it! It got dark very quickly, and it was so much fun! We met our friend Elle there with her grandparents, and she and Weston held hands and just really enjoyed the night. Shannon dressed as a Peacock, I was a Girl Monster, and Scott was a Frog. Obviously, Weston chose Scott's and my costumes, but I made them in 2 days, and I rocked it. :) I need more pictures of those, but Shannon's peacock was beautiful!  We toured the zoo (only the big cats were out), rode the train and the new carousel, and the kids played in the inflatable wonderland of giants slides and bounce houses... they weren't afraid of anything!

Captain America (Weston) and the Lady Bug (Elle) hatch from an Ostrich egg at Night Eyes at the the Blank Park Zoo.

 On Saturday, we met up with our friends April and Glen, and joined Weston's daycare families at the Center Grove Orchard and Pumpkin Patch in Cambridge, Iowa. It's the best Orchard around, and takes about 25 mins to get there. It has a school house, petting farm, corn pool, jumping pillow, mazes, hay rides, and a giant slide! Plus apple and pumpkin picking and a store. Too much fun!

Shannon at Center Grove Orchard, Cambridge, Iowa.

Weston measuring how tall he is: 42 inches!!! Tall enough for all roller coasters and giant slides!

After riding the Giant slide with their daddies, Weston and Meleinna wanted to ride alone, and Lily wanted to ride with Weston! So they went together and side by side with Meleinna - it was awesome and frightening all at the same time!

We had a great weekend and are gearing up for our holiday season. I love this time of year with my family!