Reflections

I'm gearing up for my 10-yr high school reunion this weekend. One... I feel so old! Two... I feel like I'm 17 again. You know what I mean. Worrying about what to wear, what everyone will be thinking about me, etc. Why is it that after 4 years of pretending to have tons of self confidence, another 4 years in college trying to claim that self confidence, that after an additional six years I feel exactly the same as I did when I was just pretending? I think it would be different if my closest friends were coming... but for various reasons, I seem to be doing this alone. And I'll admit it - I'm a little scared. The 3 women I've grown up with, the ones who won't judge me or the person I've become, the ones who will understand my "observations" and comments and will respond accordingly, will not be there. They won't even be close, each is 2,000 miles in a different direction. Yes, my husband will be there, but he didn't know me then. He met me after I had matured, quieted down (I was very loud in high school), after I had made the decision to be happy inside instead of career-successful, after I had found it sort of natural to smile - rather than fake it. And then there is the worrying over clothes... ugh. I actually returned the dress I had been planning to wear for months yesterday. Trying to dress more indiscriminately I guess. Ugh! Why is high school so threatening, even 10 years later? I can see why people stop going. But, I'll be there, sending reports back to my friends.