Anxiety Overload

I had my pregnancy confirmed at the doctor on Monday.
She also took a large blood sample.
I got the results yesterday.
My hGC (the pregnancy hormone) was a little lower than they would like, at 222. (I searched, and average is 5-426, the higher the better.) So it could be because we were testing so early. Or for a variety of other bad reasons.
I am going back today to have it retested. We're hoping that the numbers are at least hitting 450. It's important that they double every few days, this shows that everything is growing as it should.

I've been so nervous and anxious. But today, I've also added nauseated (I don't think this pregnancy like eggs too much.) and heartburn (my anxiety default.)

I'm just so scared of going through another loss. Shannon says that I am trying to disassociate myself from potential loss by pretending it doesn't feel real yet. It feels real. It feels too real. Maybe my inner emotions are more Vulcan... too much to let out on the surface? I'm trying to hard. I'm praying to everything and everyone I can.

On another note, we're moving on Saturday. And all of our non-family back up has backed out. I've spent this week just wanting to be sick over the work ahead. Not to mention that I keep falling asleep at 7 pm... and I can't help it. It's like my body just shuts off. Anyway, I just secured movers and that should really help us out. It's going to be costly, but I can make it work.

1 hour until the blood test.... more info to follow.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

Random Thoughts...

I've been playing with a blog post in my mind this past week, but it doesn't seem to be as easy to write as it is in my head. So, forget it. I'm just going to ramble it all out.

1. As I am sitting here, I am analyzing every twinge, ripple, feeling that could possibly herald the arrival of Aunt Flo. According to the calendar, it's due to arrive today. But it could be a few days late. I have refused to test. I just don't see the point. But more importantly, I am afraid of the answer either way. Negative = another month of heartbreak, the whys, the whens, the hows. The overwhelming feelings of guilt of failure that will just wash over me... and sometimes, they already wash over me. A Positive = Fear, panic... a constant fear of losing another baby. The fear to be happy and relaxed after something so horrible happened. I just don't see a happy feeling either way this week.
2. We get the keys to our new duplex tonight. Did I mention that we're moving? We're moving. In 9 days. We went through our garage last weekend with the help of my parents and aunt. It was traumatic. We lost our guest room mattress and springs to mice damage. And a whole box of good clothes to water damage. Threw away a lot and am selling a lot more. I also measured my hutch, and it is too large for our kitchen. :(
3. I hate packing. I'm not any good at it. So this weekend, I am planning on moving over everything that isn't bolted down and can fit in my car. to avoid packing. Not sure yet how we are packing the dishes. I may need to invest in paper plates for a while... but we don't have a dishwasher at the new place. Oops.
4. Weston's last T-Ball game is this Saturday. It's a reschedule because of the horrible spring weather that we've had. I'm coaching. Yep. That's right. Our coaches are out of town, as well as some other players. No one was expecting this. So I got asked to coach. It should be interesting. :) I just hope that we make it in time... Shannon and I are desperate for some Farmer's Market time. So we're going at the crack of dawn.
5. I came to the realization last night that we would have found out the sex of our baby next week. It's going by so fast. And I'm ok most days, it's just that our daycare provider is also pregnant. And she's talking about it constantly and counting the weeks. And everyone is excited for her. I think I am as well... it's just that it's a constant reminder of what we've lost. I can't seem to get past it.

I'm done rambling. I'm hungry and waiting for lunch. and trying to work to get everything done.

It's never going away...

I have this amazing friend. She's strong and powerful and so very brave. She's loyal and loving and vulnerable too. She taught me to be ok with who I am (as much as I can ever be) and that it's ok to go to Wal-Mart without makeup or in your pajama pants. :)  I've never worn the jammie pants... but the makeup is optional. I've known her for 13 years now, and we've shared so many things. She's like a sister. And now, our married names are the same. That's the funny part!

Anyway, my friend is pregnant. This wasn't a planned pregnancy - she thought she was done having children and wasn't sure about the stability of her marriage - not to mention the three sons she already had. It was rough on her. And she felt so much guilt because of my struggles with infertility. She is amazingly fertile. (She's offered to surrogate for us over and over again.) So... this pregnancy has been a long road for her.

When I was confirmed pregnant in February, I called her to share the news. We were so happy! Our babies would only be 11 weeks apart. They would so close! We were so excited for the possibilities.

When we lost our baby, she was equally as devastated for us. I spent the night alone with her about 2 weeks after the loss. It was so nice to be able to be honest and open with someone. She didn't understand exactly what I was feeling, but she never limited my feelings or emotions.

Today, she had a 3D ultrasound. And they saw that her baby is a GIRL! And I am so excited and happy for her. Especially after 3 boys. I was overcome with happiness for a moment. We talked for a few minutes, and then I had to go. I was remembering...

I remembered how we were so happy that our babies would be close together, how if they were girls they'd be best friends. How we talked about taking pictures and just enjoying it all together.

And then it hit me.

We wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have that. My baby is gone. The plans were empty. Even if I got pregnant today, our babies would be so far apart. And I don't believe I'm going to get pregnant immediately, I'm a realist. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks... the emotional overload. It doesn't go away. It's not going away. I keep thinking that I am better, forcing myself to be ok - everyone else has moved on, why can't I? And at times like these, I just wish I could shut down and hide under the covers. But I can't. I'm at work. With a bunch of men who have no idea what's going on, or care to see that anything is going on. And two women who don't See either.

I feel invisible and suffocating from my overwhelming emotions and, what I am sure someone would tell me, grief. But no matter how logical I am or how many books I read on the topic... nothing seems to change. I feel fine and normal one minute... and then everything crashes the next. Shannon's right, I probably need therapy.

Someone's in the Kitchen with... Erin: Hidden Veggie/Kid-friendly Tacos

There are no pictures for this one... I didn't even think about it once. It never crossed my mind. But here's a picture of what mine would have looked like had I taken one.

someone else's Soft Shell Taco

But... I had a pound-ish (I buy 9+ pounds tubes at Sam's Club, and then I break them down into 8 meals, combining 2 portions for a meatloaf, so my portions are almost 1.25 pounds) of ground beef defrosting in the fridge. And I had a 4 yr old crying that he was hungry. I asked what he wanted to eat and got the dreaded answer, "I don't know."

The reason I hate this answer? Because he won't be able to make up his mind. Or after saying "No" to everything, he'll want a Corn Dog. And there is nothing wrong with corn dogs... unless it's all he eats. Weston is like a walking school lunch. His favorite meal consists of corn dogs or hot dogs with cottage cheese and carrots with or without Cheetos depending on his mood. I feel like he needs a real protein, or just a change in his meals.

So, last night, I started throwing ideas out there... Spaghetti ('I don't like Spaghetti!' since when?), Surprise Sandwiches (what we call Sloppy Joes), Tacos like you have at school... he asks about the sandwiches and then actually surprises me with a request for Tacos!!! (I almost did a happy dance for the sheer fact that he would let me cook him a real meal.)

I got him settled with a drink to hold him over and proceeded to make dinner. "Tacos at School" are just ground beef with enough taco seasoning to change the color to orange-ish in a soft shell flour tortilla with Cheese. I had to ask this once to guarantee a similar appearance. Apparently its a shock that every child at our daycare loves these tacos. Woo-hoo for us parents!

So here's the rundown of my Tacos:

Brown a pound or so of lean (we use 90%) ground beef. While it cooked, I finely grated some carrots and added them to the pan. And I would have done the same with some onion if I'd had any. Then I followed the directions on my package of taco seasoning. (Yes, I know that you can make your own taco seasoning. I want to. I'm just not that organized yet.) Now, here's where things get awesome: My sister adds 1 small can V-8 Spicy in place of the water. I never have V-8 on hand. So, I add 1 14 oz can of diced tomatoes in addition to the 3/4 cup of water. So, we now have tomatoes and carrots (and possibly onions) hiding in the taco meat. I take a pair of kitchen shears and cut all of the large pieces of tomato into much smaller pieces. And then I let the whole thing simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Now, you're pretty much done. Warm up some flour tortillas in the microwave. I put some Mexi-blend cheese onto the warm tortilla and add the meat mixture for Weston. fold up the bottom and sides, and call it good. This was an entirely impromptu meal. So we had chips and salsa as a side. I add sour cream and salsa to mine... I didn't have any fresh lettuce or tomatoes. Impromptu, remember?

Weston ate everything. And he only picked 3 tomatoes out of his taco... leaving about 30 in there. :) A big hit at our house. And it microwaves really well.

an open letter to JJ Abrams...

Dear Mr. Abrams,

I am a huge fan. From Felicity to Alias (OMG, Alias!!!) to LOST to Fringe and on to Star Trek, Super 8 and beyond, there is very little that you can do wrong when it comes to my personal entertainment over the last twenty years. (Yes, I enjoyed Forever Young and your early writings too.)
When I had heard that you were taking on the Star Trek franchise, I was beyond excited. When I saw the movie I was enraptured and completely blown away by your lighting and the visual effects.The story was fantastic - a reboot would have been too simple. An alternate timeline though? Brilliant! I loved the casting of hard working but not über-famous actors. We could grow with these characters.
You have made me love this storyline when I only had room in my American NerdGirl heart for Skywalkers and Solos.

That being said... This three year wait has been brutal. I understand that it takes time to make movies of this caliber, I really do. But the selfish movie-lover in me is impatient. I haven't even seen this new movie, and I am already hoping that you are hard at work on the next one.
Please be working on this next installment. Please get a head start. You know the world is on the edge of our seats for the next chapter. Please.

Benedict Cumberbatch, JJ Abrams, and Chris Pine
event for 'Star Trek: Into Darkness' 2013

Oh, and Mr. Abrams - I am expecting the same care and treatment for the Star Wars franchise as you've given Star Trek. I'm just saying....

Sincerely,
an Iowa NerdGirl

P.S. I forgot to mention my favorite of what feel are your signature traits, and it goes back to actors: I Love how you value the actors that you work with. I love how I continue to see them pop up through your various endeavors - Hello, Greg Grunberg in Felicity, Alias, and a single memorable episode of LOST. It says a lot about you and your work, and about the quality people that you work with. Thanks for this too!

Someone's in the Kitchen: a new start

A friend has suggested that I start blogging my recipes. I use Instagram to post pictures of my homemade food and pretty much all other fun food. So, this is my first official recipe post - and I'm also trying so new products! (Also... this is my first post from the Blogger App on my iPhone!!!)

So, the husband went to Hy-Vee Sunday and took advantage of their $1 sale of Split Chicken Breasts at $1/pound. And Prego sauces were 3 for $5. 

Now, I'm not a fan of Prego, I think it's too acidic. But- it was a good deal. So I picked up some new and unusual flavors. One of which was a Creamy Vodka sauce. I LOVE Vodka Sauce. But let's be honest, I rarely have the time on a week night to make a good one. The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond, has one of my favorite recipes, and Bella Italia in Pleasant Hill (Iowa) has my favorite restaurant sauce. Anyway, in my opinion, Vodka Sauce needs a thick al dente noodle to really shine. So I actually decided to try a new-to-me noodle - Barilla's Gemelli - it's a think twisted noodle cut a little shorter than penne.

First things first - preheat the oven to 350°. Rinse and pat dry your chicken breasts. Rub each breast with Olive Oil, sprinkle with Salt, Spanish Paprika, and Italian Seasoning - back first, then the top. I roasted these for 50 mins on a broiler pan. Then I broiled on a low broil for 4 mins to get everything crispy. *Watch while you broil to avoid burning!*

While roasting your chicken, put a pot of salted water onto boil. This pasta took about 13 mins to cook al dente, so time it to be done about 8 mins before the chicken is done. Before dumping the pasta, reserve about a cup of the pasta water.

Turn the stove top down to medium-low. Pour the jar of Prego Creamy Vodka sauce into the pan - Use a little of the pasta water swirled into the jar to get all the sauce into the pan. Warm gently, stirring often.

Take out the chicken when done. Let it rest.

Add a green veggie - I chose broccoli. My favorite is the Steam-in-bag from Sam's Club - it's 4 bags for under $6, and each single bag seems about 25% larger than the Steam Fresh bags from my local grocery. A delicious deal.

Once the sauce is warm, add one Tablespoon of real butter. Let it melt in. This will add a richness to the jarred sauce. I read this somewhere. And let's whisper the truth between us - butter makes everything better - Paula Deen says so. :)

Now a lesson about Vodka Sauce - it always tastes slightly bitter to me when I do a taste test. But once I add the noodles and let them reheat in the sauce and marry all together - I find that the sauce is perfect. No added salt or anything. And I really thought that Prego's was one of the best I've had.

Ok - so portion each onto the plate and add a little Parmesan to the pasta.

And enjoy!

Complete dinner! I debone my chicken breast before sitting down (it's just easier)
and truthfully, I could have split the chicken in half.

***

I thought that the chicken was ok - I think I'd try to get the flavors more into the meat, but really - it wasn't even necessary, the pasta and broccoli were delicious on their own.

Total meal was $7.34 + seasonings for 4 servings.
That's $1.84 per serving, with my lunch not having any chicken.
(The breasts were large enough to cut into 4 servings, but I didn't want any.)

That's a Happy Homemaker win.

Ok, well let me know if you like this post, if you have any suggestions for form or flow.

Thanks for reading!