a note from the Grouch...

"Why are you mad all tonight, Mommy?"

This is what I heard when Weston got out of the shower last night. I was lying in my bed, it was late, like 10:30. Scott's hockey game had just ended. And I was shocked. So I said that I wasn't mad, and why did he think that?
"Because Daddy says that you're grouchy."
"I'm not Grouchy."
from Weston's room, Scott chimes in under his breath, "Yes you are. You're always Grouchy."

Wow. So now you're bad-talking me to our child? Seriously?
Last night, I made each person a special personalized dinner on the grill. I DVR'd Scott's hockey game because he was still at work. I made him a strawberry shortcake for dessert. I catered to Weston like I do every night.

This really hurt my feelings. Granted I am a little more emotional right now due to the pregnancy hormones, but still. Weston banished me from bath time when I got upset that he spit water all over me (after I cleaned up all the spit water on the floor, door, etc., outside of the bath tub. He wanted his daddy. And his Daddy was too busy watching hockey to be bothered. So, I left and crawled, exhausted, into bed. And then I hear that Weston is out of clean underwear... Scott only washed 2 pairs over the weekend. Granted I should have done laundry this week, if I had known. So Scott had to do a load of laundry, which meant talking on the phone loudly, banging cabinets and watching TV until 1:15 am. He woke me up for the final time at 1:15 with more cabinet banging. I got up went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. And I'm the Grouchy one. Maybe it's because I don't get any sleep?

So this morning, I got up all alone and got ready for work. I woke them up around 6:20am. I took care of myself, nothing new there. I feel like I always take care of myself, no matter the circumstances. And then we left to take me to work - I was still stewing about the grouchy thing. I couldn't let it go.

So... in the car, which is the best place for Scott and I to communicate, I laid it all out:
1. He can't bad mouth me in front of our children. No matter what he feels at any given moment, he can't do that. I don't bad mouth him in front of Weston.
2. I am sick and tired of being called Grouchy or asked what's wrong with me all the time. I am not upset all the time. I get asked these questions when I'm being quiet. And I'm quiet because I have nothing to say, or because I am so tired that I can't even think, let alone talk. And you know what? Maybe I am responding to your attitude, to the way that you forget things? Or to the way that you take forever to help your child when he asks? I'm just throwing that out there.
3. I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time. If I don't eat, then I get sick. And I haven't figured out the timing yet. And my emotions are all over the place.
4. I am constantly worried about losing our baby at the ultrasound 1 week from right this minute. I am so afraid to get happy about this baby. I am analyzing every single twinge and feeling in my body. All the time setting myself up to hear the worst possible news for the second time in 3 months. I carry that around with me every step of every day. I worry that our cat's not being all over me is a sign that this pregnancy is also not viable. I worry that we tried again too soon. I wonder if I could survive it again... or if it won't hurt as much because the last loss is so fresh? And mostly I worry that I am not being positive enough for this baby to be healthy.

And it's because of numbers 3 and 4 that you don't understand a single thing. And the fact that you don't ask anymore. It's like this isn't happening to you... oh wait, it's not. so... yeah. We've talked a few times on the phone since then, and it's like nothing at all happened. Everything is fine. When nothing at all is. And they all wonder why I'm frustrated?

As we wait...

So we're now in the middle of a new Wait.... When we were trying to conceive, we had the 2 Week Wait, or 2WW - this is the time period between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. (A cycle starts when Aunt Flo shows up.) Now Scott and I are in the middle of the 3 Week Wait. This is the time period form confirmation of pregnancy to the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Ours is scheduled for June 14th.

We're so afraid to hope for this baby. I keep getting emails that say things like, "Your Baby is the size of a Poppy Seed!" (week 4) to "the Size of a Sesame Seed" (week 5). It's so easy to get wrapped up in our little seed. But then it's so devastating when things go wrong. I almost bought a bassinet yesterday of a FB Sale Page. What was I thinking? Jinx, jinx, jinx!

That all being said (because I needed to say it to someone), the symptoms are interesting this time around.

With the lost pregnancy, the symptoms were traditional, but very severe - nausea, breast tenderness, raging emotions - everything was heightened.

This time... it's a lot like the second half of my pregnancy with Weston. I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep at any point during the day (not helpful at work, trust me.) I'm hungry all of the time. I get nauseated if I wait too long to eat, and I get icky when I do eat. My brain wanders away frequently, and I can go to the bathroom every 15 minutes if I think about it. ;)  So I feel worthless at work. And I have some huge projects for this summer, one due in 3 days. Oh and my blood sugars are all over the charts. Up, down, and back again. And the worst part, ok, almost as bad as the debilitating exhaustion, my legs are swelling - to the point of pain. I am drinking a ton of water and cutting caffeine, nothing helps. I fear I may end up buying Crocs soon to cover the ugliness.

I am hoping that since these are more similar to my healthy pregnancy, that everything is going to be great. :D

Relief and the Waiting Game begins...

I got my test results back today.

My hCG numbers are up to 435!!! Almost double from Monday, and according to Nurse Megan, that's "Great!" And you'd better believe that I questioned her to pieces. :)

So, I am obviously relieved. So very relieved.

But now, I am focusing on June 14th. That is the afternoon of our ultrasound. Once we get past that, I think that I will be able to really enjoy this pregnancy!!!

So, here's to a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy! Phew.

Anxiety Overload

I had my pregnancy confirmed at the doctor on Monday.
She also took a large blood sample.
I got the results yesterday.
My hGC (the pregnancy hormone) was a little lower than they would like, at 222. (I searched, and average is 5-426, the higher the better.) So it could be because we were testing so early. Or for a variety of other bad reasons.
I am going back today to have it retested. We're hoping that the numbers are at least hitting 450. It's important that they double every few days, this shows that everything is growing as it should.

I've been so nervous and anxious. But today, I've also added nauseated (I don't think this pregnancy like eggs too much.) and heartburn (my anxiety default.)

I'm just so scared of going through another loss. Shannon says that I am trying to disassociate myself from potential loss by pretending it doesn't feel real yet. It feels real. It feels too real. Maybe my inner emotions are more Vulcan... too much to let out on the surface? I'm trying to hard. I'm praying to everything and everyone I can.

On another note, we're moving on Saturday. And all of our non-family back up has backed out. I've spent this week just wanting to be sick over the work ahead. Not to mention that I keep falling asleep at 7 pm... and I can't help it. It's like my body just shuts off. Anyway, I just secured movers and that should really help us out. It's going to be costly, but I can make it work.

1 hour until the blood test.... more info to follow.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will."

Getting Medical Confirmation today with a variety of tests. I've demanded blood work, and I am sure that they will make me pee in a cup. I'm nervous and scared... and so very Hopeful. 

I feel like maybe this is the right time... we'll be able to move without issues (and the loss of the guest bed in storage now seems fortuitous since we'll need to get the crib, etc back out), go to my 15 yr high school reunion, and fly to Texas in October for a wedding and family visit. Also... if everything works out... maybe be on maternity leave for Weston's spring break. ;) Just a thought I had. 

I am trying to be hopeful, but until I see the baby and hear the heartbeat... I'm going to be an emotional nervous wreck. And heck, that will probably continue for months.
*Cross your fingers for a healthy, happy 9 months!*

Random Thoughts...

I've been playing with a blog post in my mind this past week, but it doesn't seem to be as easy to write as it is in my head. So, forget it. I'm just going to ramble it all out.

1. As I am sitting here, I am analyzing every twinge, ripple, feeling that could possibly herald the arrival of Aunt Flo. According to the calendar, it's due to arrive today. But it could be a few days late. I have refused to test. I just don't see the point. But more importantly, I am afraid of the answer either way. Negative = another month of heartbreak, the whys, the whens, the hows. The overwhelming feelings of guilt of failure that will just wash over me... and sometimes, they already wash over me. A Positive = Fear, panic... a constant fear of losing another baby. The fear to be happy and relaxed after something so horrible happened. I just don't see a happy feeling either way this week.
2. We get the keys to our new duplex tonight. Did I mention that we're moving? We're moving. In 9 days. We went through our garage last weekend with the help of my parents and aunt. It was traumatic. We lost our guest room mattress and springs to mice damage. And a whole box of good clothes to water damage. Threw away a lot and am selling a lot more. I also measured my hutch, and it is too large for our kitchen. :(
3. I hate packing. I'm not any good at it. So this weekend, I am planning on moving over everything that isn't bolted down and can fit in my car. to avoid packing. Not sure yet how we are packing the dishes. I may need to invest in paper plates for a while... but we don't have a dishwasher at the new place. Oops.
4. Weston's last T-Ball game is this Saturday. It's a reschedule because of the horrible spring weather that we've had. I'm coaching. Yep. That's right. Our coaches are out of town, as well as some other players. No one was expecting this. So I got asked to coach. It should be interesting. :) I just hope that we make it in time... Shannon and I are desperate for some Farmer's Market time. So we're going at the crack of dawn.
5. I came to the realization last night that we would have found out the sex of our baby next week. It's going by so fast. And I'm ok most days, it's just that our daycare provider is also pregnant. And she's talking about it constantly and counting the weeks. And everyone is excited for her. I think I am as well... it's just that it's a constant reminder of what we've lost. I can't seem to get past it.

I'm done rambling. I'm hungry and waiting for lunch. and trying to work to get everything done.

It's never going away...

I have this amazing friend. She's strong and powerful and so very brave. She's loyal and loving and vulnerable too. She taught me to be ok with who I am (as much as I can ever be) and that it's ok to go to Wal-Mart without makeup or in your pajama pants. :)  I've never worn the jammie pants... but the makeup is optional. I've known her for 13 years now, and we've shared so many things. She's like a sister. And now, our married names are the same. That's the funny part!

Anyway, my friend is pregnant. This wasn't a planned pregnancy - she thought she was done having children and wasn't sure about the stability of her marriage - not to mention the three sons she already had. It was rough on her. And she felt so much guilt because of my struggles with infertility. She is amazingly fertile. (She's offered to surrogate for us over and over again.) So... this pregnancy has been a long road for her.

When I was confirmed pregnant in February, I called her to share the news. We were so happy! Our babies would only be 11 weeks apart. They would so close! We were so excited for the possibilities.

When we lost our baby, she was equally as devastated for us. I spent the night alone with her about 2 weeks after the loss. It was so nice to be able to be honest and open with someone. She didn't understand exactly what I was feeling, but she never limited my feelings or emotions.

Today, she had a 3D ultrasound. And they saw that her baby is a GIRL! And I am so excited and happy for her. Especially after 3 boys. I was overcome with happiness for a moment. We talked for a few minutes, and then I had to go. I was remembering...

I remembered how we were so happy that our babies would be close together, how if they were girls they'd be best friends. How we talked about taking pictures and just enjoying it all together.

And then it hit me.

We wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have that. My baby is gone. The plans were empty. Even if I got pregnant today, our babies would be so far apart. And I don't believe I'm going to get pregnant immediately, I'm a realist. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks... the emotional overload. It doesn't go away. It's not going away. I keep thinking that I am better, forcing myself to be ok - everyone else has moved on, why can't I? And at times like these, I just wish I could shut down and hide under the covers. But I can't. I'm at work. With a bunch of men who have no idea what's going on, or care to see that anything is going on. And two women who don't See either.

I feel invisible and suffocating from my overwhelming emotions and, what I am sure someone would tell me, grief. But no matter how logical I am or how many books I read on the topic... nothing seems to change. I feel fine and normal one minute... and then everything crashes the next. Shannon's right, I probably need therapy.